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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my wedding, my bloody effing choice

70 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/05/2018 15:30

I don't like my mother.

Don't worry, the feeling is entirely mutual. She was very critical of me growing up, cut me out of family holidays because she preferred the company of my brothers, and was just not that bothered about me after about the age of 14. She also totally ignored me when I was i treatment for anorexia, pretty much pretended the whole thing wasn't happening.

I don't actually much want her in my life at all, but because she is, I try and accept she's the way she is. After I met up with her at the weekend as I was in town for some wedding planning, and she talked at me the whole time, didn't listen to a word I said and was just generally pretty draining, I started thinking about my top table.

We've decided we either won't have one, or it'll just include our 'top' people. That's not her. And not DP's mum either as she flits in and out and is pretty absent from her kid's lives, I've met her twice in four years.

I hate the idea of a 'sweetheart table' cringe.

I'm not having bridesmaids, just my best mate as an unofficial maid of honour. I love my Dad, and my step-Grandad, so I want them on the table.

I have a step mum (stayed with her and my dad this weekend) and she asked me what I intended to 'do' about seating arrangements. I told her I'm not sure as it's difficult and I don't want my mum (and I know this sounds horrible) that near to me on the day. I don't want to hear her constant monologue about money and property (she has no job as she pisses off people that she works with but she is obsessed with money) and bla bla bla interspersed with comments that I will know is a thinly veiled dig at me.

She is coming to the wedding. That is enough. I don't want my step mum on the top table either, so it's not like she gets my mum's place or anything.

Step mum is horrified and said how could I do that to my mum, she doesn't agree and my mum will have been dreaming about my wedding day all her life (NOT true) and my dad has said 'oh come on, why on earth would you do that to your mum, what will everyone think about why he's sitting there but she isn't. He's absolutely white-washed every example I've brought up with him about why I don't get on with my mum with things like 'she didn't mean to' 'it wasn't that bad' or 'that's just what she's like'.

I am sure my brothers will be on it soon with trying to persuade me to give her pride of bloody place.

Oh apparently it's fine for DP's mum not to be on the top table. That's totally acceptable, apparently.

I am really starting to wonder why the fuck we didn't just elope and not tell anybody Angry

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/05/2018 15:33

Nope. You're right. Have precisely who you like where you like. Tell them that your choices are made. End off. Don't react to their guilt tripping. Good luckFlowers

Ginosaji · 28/05/2018 15:35

Could you do what i did? I didn't bother with a wedding breakfast so there was no need for seating arrangements, had late afternoon ceremony, after which there was a 2 hr gap for photos with drinks and nibbles and then the evening reception with disco and there were tables, but everyone could just sit wherever they wanted

ScattyCharly · 28/05/2018 15:36

Have 2 top tables
Put mum, brothers, fiancés mum and any other pain in ass family members on the “second” top table. Put decent people on the other top table with you

Dljlr · 28/05/2018 15:36

At mine I didn't have a top table, and I simply sat with a group of my closest friends. Relatives sat with the people they were least likely to fall out with. I didn't want my mum or stepdad or dad on a top table with me for various reasons (my dad is wonderful but he'd have felt conspicuous and my mum had an affair with stepdad, so family mixing always awkward). Because we had no top table we had no funny comments either (as far as I'm aware). Could this be a solution?

FatherMacKenzie · 28/05/2018 15:36

I would do what you want with regards to who you have sitting near you, but I would just not call it a top table and also have it set out just like all the other tables so you aren’t all on show.

Ginosaji · 28/05/2018 15:36

Oh and there was a buffet in the evening so nobody went hungry Grin

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/05/2018 15:37

I loved the idea of a sit down meal though, always says I'd do that if it was within our budget. I didn't think about seating when I decided that, though.

OP posts:
RitaSpanner · 28/05/2018 15:38

Do exactly what makes you happy. We are having a top table for two: me and DH2B. We can flit between guests' tables to spend as much or as little time as we want with each of them.

FatherMacKenzie · 28/05/2018 15:38

Yeah, keep the sit down meal if that’s what you want, but just don’t do a top table. Just have 10 (or however many) of the same tables.

MuddyForestWalks · 28/05/2018 15:38

Don't invite your mother and tell the other people to shut their mouths or they won't be coming either. Its your wedding not theirs and they do not get to dictate or guilt trip.

Is it too late to elope? Cancel it all, fuck off to a beach somewhere, get married in a floaty sun dress and bare feet in the sand?

GinGeum · 28/05/2018 15:40

Absolutely do what you want. You don’t even need to have a top table if you don’t want, you can just sit with friends. We aren’t having a seating plan at ours, but it’s a very relaxed garden party so not a three course meal. Could you do something like that? I want to move around and sit next to everyone, not be sat next to my mum and DP for two hours who I see all time Grin

LoveInTokyo · 28/05/2018 15:43

Have your friends at your top table and parents with other people in their own generation.

NukaColaGirl · 28/05/2018 15:43

My Mother kicked off about the top table. We weren’t even fucking have one but I told her if she liked, I could pop her in between my Dad and Maid of Honor (her ex Step daughter and my closest sibling) - two people who despise her Grin

She ended up being told to stay the fuck away from my wedding anyway - and she was smart enough to not attend.

TweedAddict · 28/05/2018 15:44

We had round tables and sat in the middle of the room, as we got many different parts to our family. It worked really well as although we had a table - it was a smaller table then the other tables, so it would fit in the middle then all the other tables were round us were equal. That meant the spit families were all happy and the only people we had on ours was people with a part to play in the wedding it’s self

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2018 15:44

You do exactly what you want, it’s your wedding! There have been a couple of threads on here this week including one today from people who felt disappointed by their wedding as it didn’t go how they wanted. Yes, as everyone always says, it’s the being married part that matters, but you have a chance to put your foot down now in the planning stage and you know what she’s like so you have to protect yourself and your hopes for the day.

Is it too late to bin the whole thing off and elope? If not then that’s something to consider. Your dad and stepmum don’t sound very supportive or understanding, it’s not their place to dictate to you either, and DP isn’t close to his mum.

Are you really happy and excited about your wedding at the moment or feeling stressed, anxious and put upon? If it’s the latter then now is the time to take a step back and decide what you really want, which might be a no stress, hassle, fuss day which focuses entirely on the two of you.

The other option is no formal meal so tables aren’t an issue.

Please follow your heart on this. It’s such a special important time and you don’t want to lose sight of what really matters while negotiating buffoonery from people who’ve already had their weddings!

annandale · 28/05/2018 15:46

I would have a fork buffet with lots of informal groups of chairs and small tables dotted about. It may not be quite what you first thought of but I have been to weddings done like this and they were great - people talked to lots of different people but got to sit with people they liked.

Nobody gets to rewrite your experience of your childhood. Sounds like your f and fil are well accustomed to minimising behaviour - they probably need to to survive but not at your expense.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/05/2018 15:47

Thanks, I think a table with people we like on it but that isn't an obvious set apart 'top' table could be the answer. The venue are really good so I'm sure they can accommodate.

Too late to reorganise the whole shebang!

My dad just keeps parroting 'family! There is nothing more important than family!' Like he's Peggy Bloody Mitchell on Christmas Day after a few glasses of plonk.

OP posts:
phlewf · 28/05/2018 15:48

I completely get this. Could you do family tables, so your Mum and brothers, brothers partners and anyone else from that side, likewise for df family. Then sit with you and DH, moh and partner, best man and partner. And make up some guff about smaller tables being cheaper/easier to manage/better for pics. I am calling it bistro style and saying it’s because actually I’ll hardly be sitting there at all so best to keep it small.

AntiHop · 28/05/2018 15:50

I'm surprised you are in contact with your mother at all, given the way she treated you. She has no right to be at your top table. Stick to your guns.

I wanted to elope as so many of my family members are a liability. My dp didn't want to, so we did a normal wedding. By some miracle, my family members behaved well. I hope yours do too.

LoveInTokyo · 28/05/2018 15:51

I think if you have at least one set of divorced parents and you're not lucky enough to just have two sets of parents who all get on and no tension or other issues, it's a good excuse not to have family on your top table. You could always put the top table with your closest friends in the middle and then make sure your dad and step grandad are on the next table right near you. Won't your dad want to sit with your stepmum anyway?

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/05/2018 15:53

I was actually NC with my mother last year, but then both her parents died in a short space of time and she lost her job...and I was guilted into getting back in touch. I wish I hadn't but my brothers were practically begging me as she was apparently so devastated at me being so cold to her that I cracked and thought I could just manage since I knew what she was like.

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 28/05/2018 15:54

Have to confess haven't reward everything as I could feel myself getting wound up.

My mother abandoned me as a baby and I haven't seen her since I was about 19. I'm now late 40's and married 19 years ago. I had a message she had threatened to kill herself if I didn't invite her. I didn't. She's alive still.

Please please please do EXACTLY what you want for your wedding. One day you might not even be talking to her and you'll be so pissed off you've given in to a bully, SM comments, dad comments etc and i5 is YOUR day.

If she starts again I'd be telling her she's no longer welcome at the wedding.

AnotherShirtRuined · 28/05/2018 16:01

No top table is a good idea but do whatever you want, and when people ask, just repeat that 'everything is sorted' ad nauseam. Should do the trick.

Popchyk · 28/05/2018 16:02

If your dad and your stepmum are so set on giving pride of place to your mum, then stick the three of them all on the same table away from your own table.

If your dad has any attitude about it then just parrot "She's not that bad" and "that's just what she's like" right back at him.

And you sit at your own table with just your own mates.

Runkittyrun · 28/05/2018 16:08

I had three tables - the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all on another table far enough away that I couldn't hear any stirring, bitching or arguing. Worked very well and I refused to get into any discussion about it with any of them!