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Original poster

To think my wedding, my bloody effing choice

70 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/05/2018 15:30

I don't like my mother.

Don't worry, the feeling is entirely mutual. She was very critical of me growing up, cut me out of family holidays because she preferred the company of my brothers, and was just not that bothered about me after about the age of 14. She also totally ignored me when I was i treatment for anorexia, pretty much pretended the whole thing wasn't happening.

I don't actually much want her in my life at all, but because she is, I try and accept she's the way she is. After I met up with her at the weekend as I was in town for some wedding planning, and she talked at me the whole time, didn't listen to a word I said and was just generally pretty draining, I started thinking about my top table.

We've decided we either won't have one, or it'll just include our 'top' people. That's not her. And not DP's mum either as she flits in and out and is pretty absent from her kid's lives, I've met her twice in four years.

I hate the idea of a 'sweetheart table' cringe.

I'm not having bridesmaids, just my best mate as an unofficial maid of honour. I love my Dad, and my step-Grandad, so I want them on the table.

I have a step mum (stayed with her and my dad this weekend) and she asked me what I intended to 'do' about seating arrangements. I told her I'm not sure as it's difficult and I don't want my mum (and I know this sounds horrible) that near to me on the day. I don't want to hear her constant monologue about money and property (she has no job as she pisses off people that she works with but she is obsessed with money) and bla bla bla interspersed with comments that I will know is a thinly veiled dig at me.

She is coming to the wedding. That is enough. I don't want my step mum on the top table either, so it's not like she gets my mum's place or anything.

Step mum is horrified and said how could I do that to my mum, she doesn't agree and my mum will have been dreaming about my wedding day all her life (NOT true) and my dad has said 'oh come on, why on earth would you do that to your mum, what will everyone think about why he's sitting there but she isn't. He's absolutely white-washed every example I've brought up with him about why I don't get on with my mum with things like 'she didn't mean to' 'it wasn't that bad' or 'that's just what she's like'.

I am sure my brothers will be on it soon with trying to persuade me to give her pride of bloody place.

Oh apparently it's fine for DP's mum not to be on the top table. That's totally acceptable, apparently.

I am really starting to wonder why the fuck we didn't just elope and not tell anybody Angry

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 28/05/2018 16:12

I’d go with you, DH, Matron of honour and best man plus their partners on the top table. Shove the rest on family tables (and your mother on a table near the toilets)

DarthArts · 28/05/2018 16:15

I've been to a few weddings with no top tables.

Just the same round tables for everyone and when it came to speeches people just stood u at their table.

Tbh I'd be tempted to do this to avoid any hassle on the day.

Talk about "family" and "friends" tables and then sit at a table in the centre with whoever you damn well please.

You can to place settings so people can be near you, even on a different table or alternatively the "other" side of the round table if you want some distance.

KC225 · 28/05/2018 16:17

Yes, do what you want it is your wedding.

If your Dad keeps going on about 'family' say 'You have your recollection of what happened and I have mine. If anyone asks why she is sitting on another table I happy to tell them'. I would stay away from her in the lead up to the wedding. That shopping trip sounds awful and mentally draining. Keep communication to 'busy' texts (I call them) which entails replying straight away so as not to give them opportunity to keep contacting or accuse you of ignoriing them. Then you text 'Mad busy at the moment but all good. Hope you are well'. Or such like, you can keep people at arms length for ages like that

Good luck OP.

vdbfamily · 28/05/2018 16:18

We let people sit wherever they liked and also encouraged them to move around between courses. that worked really well and we just moved around the tables chatting to everyone.

Peterrabbitscarrots · 28/05/2018 16:18

If your dad is one of your “top” people then why separate him from his partner/wife - wouldn’t he like to sit beside her during the reception? It all sounds a bit messy, I would be considering having no top table but free seating instead. We did this and it was a lot easier all round

Fernandfarrow · 28/05/2018 16:21

Honestly? Don't put any family on your top table if you're going to pick and choose between parents. I agree, your mum sounds like a nightmare and I can completely understand not wanting her near you on the day, but regardless of the merits of your reasoning do you really want to spend the day watching people whisper and wonder about it, or the aftermath fending off questions about why your mums weren't on the same table as your dads? Only you know why you're doing it, no one else will understand quite how bad she is and rightly or wrongly...why make such an obvious thing of it? Why draw that much of a visible line between the parent you like and the one you dislike? Why humiliate her like that, even if that isn't your intention to do so. If she's as bad as she sounds surely you'll just be giving her ammunition to make comments on the day about how wronged she is to be treated as a second class parent.

If I were you I would forget including any family on the top table and surround myself with friends. Plonk family on tactfully drawn up tables where they can "host" their own friends and relatives. Your dad can still make a speech, escort you down the aisle, all those lovely father-daughter moments you want with him.

Lambzig · 28/05/2018 16:21

Please do what will make you and your partner happy.

Just to throw another idea in the mix DH and I had some tricky table issues so we table hopped - moved tables after each course and for the coffee and speeches. It meant we didn’t leave anyone out and that we got to speak to all our guests. Worked for us really well.

Fernandfarrow · 28/05/2018 16:22

Also, to split your dad and his new wife up? I would completely understand if the top table were reserved for family and you were having both sets of blood parents only, but as you've just said, it isn't. I think you're going to have quite a few upset guests.

AJPTaylor · 28/05/2018 16:25

We went to a wedding recently and they had no top table. Just tables as usual. Thinking back it may have been cos the brides mum died a few weeks before. But it all seemed to flow.

PeakPants · 28/05/2018 16:26

is your dad okay with his wife being seated elsewhere? Is the step-granddad your step-mum's dad? If so, seems pretty harsh to seat her apart from both of them, and you haven't even said what she (stepmum) has done to incur your wrath.

Tiredspice2 · 28/05/2018 16:27

No, family is not thicker than blood, she treated you like shit, it’s your wedding you do what you want. You don’t have to appease anyone. Wishing you a wonderful day.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/05/2018 16:29

Ok, so my step mum has stated before all this that she fully expects not to be on the top table as she's a step. We're not close- we get on ok. She only seems to be kicking off now that she knows my mum won't be on it either. I'll make sure she has plenty of people around to talk to.

My step-Grandad is my mum's step dad. The only 'grandparent' I have left, and I was always very close to my late gran and him.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/05/2018 16:30

No 'wrath' towards my step mum at all Peak. Genuinely curious as to how you came to that conclusion?

OP posts:
squeaver · 28/05/2018 16:31

Yes, you, your dh, your maid of honour (even if she is unoffiicial), best man, their partners if they have them, couple of other close friends.

Have the same number of people on every table, then it won't look 'set apart'.

3luckystars · 28/05/2018 16:32

I didn't have any top table and just sat at a normal roundy table like everyone else. I don't like eating in front of people anyway so the thought of everyone being able to see me eating made me do it this way, but lots of people commented afterwards that it was lovely.

Could you do this maybe?

BananaBlaps · 28/05/2018 16:32

DH and I sat on a table with bridesmaids, their partners and my DHs best man and his other best mate and their partners. So basically with our friends.
Both our parents are divorced and we asked each set to “host” their own table. I’m not even sure what that means but we thought it made it sound better!!

Do what you want OP but I’d try and do it in a way that creates as least fuss as possible.

I also walked down the aisle on my own. I didn’t ask anyone’s opinion about tables or aisle - just told them! Your day, do what makes you happy and feels right.

PeakPants · 28/05/2018 16:34

Sorry, it was just that you said you did not want her on the top table. I would probably seat them both together, but it does sound like she is fine with it.

To be honest, I would not have a top table if I were you. It sounds more trouble than it's worth. Or how about you sit with your step-granddad and seat both parents with partners elsewhere?

StatisticallyChallenged · 28/05/2018 16:40

We had similar problems:
-my horrible mother
-divorced FIL (who hates me) and MIL (nice one of the bunch!)
-wicked step MIL who MIL didn't want to be near
-FIL and SMIL who didn't want to be split, but couldn't decide if this meant top table or not

We ended up doing all round tables. IIRC, it was me, DH, best man, bridesmaids, my bro and DH's bro.

In the end my mum didn't turn up, but we'd arranged it so that mum, FIL/SMIL and MIL were each on separate tables with people who wouldn't throttle them friends/tolerant family. I'd suggest for ease keeping all parents off your table, that way nobody can say they've been treated unfairly.

Original poster
HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/05/2018 16:48

We will probably put my mum and DP's on the same table the shit mum's table

They can wonder together as to why they're not playing a more active part in the day.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/05/2018 16:49

No maasive fanily dramas for us but had my parents and sister (she has social anxiety), MIL&SFIL, SMIL to accommodate. We had all round tables. We were in the middle with our best friends, my sister was with our family, my parents had a table with their friends, in law’s had separate tables an equal distance from ours. If anyone was unhappy we didn’t hear about it.

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 28/05/2018 16:51

Do a fake top table for your family and people you don't like and put it right at the front so they look important. Put extra flowers on it to make them feel special but sit yourself elsewhere, maybe in the middle of the room with friends. Say you're in the middle so you feel near everyone.

MinisWin · 28/05/2018 16:52

I had a similar arrangement to Banana - DH and I, our best man/ushers, my bridesmaids, and all of their respective partners. The warring factions of my family were sat at opposite ends of the room (with my hideous in-laws at one of those tables), and we were in the middle. We did long tables of about 10-12 each. It worked really well and avoided all possible drama on the day. Shame about the run-up but you can't win them all....

Boulshired · 28/05/2018 16:59

To have the wedding you want is probably easiest if you do not give those who take offence the ammunition that they look justified. It makes no difference who is right or wrong if your day is spoilt. The no top table works well, but I would also stop confiding in your DF and his wife.

MumofBoysx2 · 28/05/2018 17:05

Don't have a top table! I think they are elitist anyway (this is us, and that is you, type thing). We had our wedding reception in a marquee in the garden and it was fairly bohemian but pretty, plenty of tables and chairs but no actual seating plan. Also my husband and I made a point of making our way around each table and sitting for a chat for a while throughout the day/evening, so we circulated a lot which you can't do with a seating plan.

LanaorAna2 · 28/05/2018 17:11

Don't have a top table. Really, don't. If you do, DM will do something unpleasant re not being on it and something unpleasant if she is on it.

Serve the other relations their due by asking all the ones who want her there to look after her. All day.

Good luck, you sound lovely.

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