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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my wedding, my bloody effing choice

70 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/05/2018 15:30

I don't like my mother.

Don't worry, the feeling is entirely mutual. She was very critical of me growing up, cut me out of family holidays because she preferred the company of my brothers, and was just not that bothered about me after about the age of 14. She also totally ignored me when I was i treatment for anorexia, pretty much pretended the whole thing wasn't happening.

I don't actually much want her in my life at all, but because she is, I try and accept she's the way she is. After I met up with her at the weekend as I was in town for some wedding planning, and she talked at me the whole time, didn't listen to a word I said and was just generally pretty draining, I started thinking about my top table.

We've decided we either won't have one, or it'll just include our 'top' people. That's not her. And not DP's mum either as she flits in and out and is pretty absent from her kid's lives, I've met her twice in four years.

I hate the idea of a 'sweetheart table' cringe.

I'm not having bridesmaids, just my best mate as an unofficial maid of honour. I love my Dad, and my step-Grandad, so I want them on the table.

I have a step mum (stayed with her and my dad this weekend) and she asked me what I intended to 'do' about seating arrangements. I told her I'm not sure as it's difficult and I don't want my mum (and I know this sounds horrible) that near to me on the day. I don't want to hear her constant monologue about money and property (she has no job as she pisses off people that she works with but she is obsessed with money) and bla bla bla interspersed with comments that I will know is a thinly veiled dig at me.

She is coming to the wedding. That is enough. I don't want my step mum on the top table either, so it's not like she gets my mum's place or anything.

Step mum is horrified and said how could I do that to my mum, she doesn't agree and my mum will have been dreaming about my wedding day all her life (NOT true) and my dad has said 'oh come on, why on earth would you do that to your mum, what will everyone think about why he's sitting there but she isn't. He's absolutely white-washed every example I've brought up with him about why I don't get on with my mum with things like 'she didn't mean to' 'it wasn't that bad' or 'that's just what she's like'.

I am sure my brothers will be on it soon with trying to persuade me to give her pride of bloody place.

Oh apparently it's fine for DP's mum not to be on the top table. That's totally acceptable, apparently.

I am really starting to wonder why the fuck we didn't just elope and not tell anybody

OP posts:

Bridechilla · 28/05/2018 17:12

Bloody "tradition", it's not traditional at all it's a thinly veiled justification of everyone else's opinion of your day.

I feel you OP! Personally I hate top tables all together, and yeah sweetheart is equally weird. Think we're going to be resigned to one due to layout.

I think sticking both the mums together is a great idea. Equal footing, and you can always use the speech as the reasoning for having to have your dad on the top table.

Fuck 'em all it's your day, your way.

JustDanceAddict · 28/05/2018 17:14

We had our friends on our table - no top table. Complicated family situation so was easier this way and no-one offended.

SheepyFun · 28/05/2018 17:14

One friend had three very long tables, each seating about 30 (parallel to each other), with people sitting on both sides of them (as you might at normal, non-top tables). They sat at one of them, but otherwise didn't mark themselves out at all. You can then, if you wish, seat family on the same table, but you've got a lot of space in which to put them, and they don't have to be near you!

boilerhouse2007 · 28/05/2018 17:22

op, you have my sympathies and believe me i have terrible similar family problems-worse than you could possibly imagine. But sometimes you just have to do what you don't want to stop hassle and alot of drama. Is putting her at the top table really that bad? If it will keep ppl happy i'd do it. It's just 1 day.

Missingstreetlife · 28/05/2018 17:24

Does your dad want to sit with your mum?

calzone · 28/05/2018 17:26

My sister sat with her friends at her wedding and family sat on another table.

Worked really well.

kateandme · 28/05/2018 17:33

coulkd your mum be on with your brother.and dps parents on with his other family member then you with your mates.
or just all arrive at the venue an announce go on in everyone,no seating plans just make yourselfves comfy.and perhaps then try your best to go round everyone and say hi thanks for coming etc etc.
also you say the venue is good.perhaps confide in them the situation in part.they must have seen many a family so might be able to offer up some ideas.
another way would be of course to creat king tables.which are the long baquet looking tables in lines.this is more communal and together in feeling and means no one get priority.

takeoffyourpantsandjacket · 28/05/2018 17:35

I wouldn't be having her on and I wouldn't feel guilty about it either. I'd firmly tell your stepmum and dad that that's how you want it and what people think doesn't matter, it's your wedding day. Anyone who knows you well enough will get it.
My friend did similar at his wedding, except we were all seated around one large table (24 of us) for the wedding breakfast. His dad was on his side but enough away so he didn't have to speak to him and he spent the whole time talking to his date.
It wasn't uncomfortable for anyone, as everyone who knew the groom understood why.

Jux · 28/05/2018 17:48

Have a less formal sit down meal. Have something like street food just available over there with seating & tables, but no particular time so people can just grab a plate, choose their food, go and sit down. Keep a table for you if you like, you and your bosom people with name plates, if that helps.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/05/2018 17:52

Dh and I had round tables seating 8. We sat with the best man and friends. Our respective parents sat with relations of a similar age / closest to them on tables either side of ours. I don’t remember hearing them tbh as we were enjoying the day, chatting to the people on our table, walking around and talking to guests, dancing, speeches etc.

ThePants999 · 28/05/2018 17:55

*If your dad and your stepmum are so set on giving pride of place to your mum, then stick the three of them all on the same table away from your own table.

If your dad has any attitude about it then just parrot "She's not that bad" and "that's just what she's like" right back at him.*

Please, please do this. Brothers too, perhaps.

Wolfiefan · 28/05/2018 17:56

I love the idea of a "family" (said in a bad Eastenders accent!) table you don't have to be on.
Stupid idea. Different courses?
How many tables?
Could you and DH move table for each course! See lots of friends n

TheNoseyProject · 28/05/2018 17:59

In your position I’d have a mini top table of you, dh, best mate, dh best man only.

paceyswife · 28/05/2018 18:03

Not rtft but my SIL has just her and her husband and the best man and made of honour - everyone else was on big round tables of 10

Pebbles16 · 28/05/2018 18:06

We didn't have a top table. We sat with some people we liked, parents and in laws sat with people they liked. Put friends and other family together who we thought might get on (they did). It was quite a small wedding.
During our speeches, before the meal, we said "we've done what we hope is best and hope you enjoy new friends and old."

Some people have super traditional ideas. Allegedly people are coming to celebrate your day and not get their knickers in a twist about where they are sitting.

NataliaOsipova · 28/05/2018 18:06

No top table here either - we sat with the people who travelled a long way and we don't often get to see! Put my mum with people she was pleased to see etc. Worked well.

youarenotkiddingme · 28/05/2018 18:06

First stop I'd get off on is

"Dad, you divorced Mum. Clearly you don't want her around you for extended periods either. Respect that I feel the same".

But I also think maybe the motivation if Dad and SM is your way means they won't be sitting together.

peachgreen · 28/05/2018 18:10

I had a similar issue. We had the bridal party on our table (best man and his partner, MOH and her husband) and then a family table with my parents, sibling, DH's dad and siblings etc. It worked well and nobody protested!

Wolfiefan · 28/05/2018 18:14

And this is why we just left the country and married with just us!

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 28/05/2018 19:12

I have a wedding coming up soon and we've done no seating plan and long tables (v informal meal!) so no need to worry about that sort of thing.

Long tables are a good way of getting out of it - i.e. no 'special' top table, just plonk yourself down at one end of a normal table and give yourself a buffer zone of friends before you place your family. That way you're all on one table which should appease their need to be on the bridal party table, but you can be far enough away that you don't actually have to talk to your parents.

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