Is it selfish to have only one child?

[imagin]

NC for this.

I have three siblings, and growing up I was always told I was so lucky to have this, and how much I'd appreciate them when I'd grown up.

I'm grown up now and only see them a few times a year, we are very different people and not that close.

Me and DP only want one child. We feel it means we can give everything to them, and obviously there will be more money and attention as it won't be divided. Growing up with three siblings we went without things as there was only so much money and time.

We want to get only a two bed house because of this, but so many people say it's unfair on the child for them to be an only child as they'll have no one to play with. Is this really the case? I remember fighting with my siblings and having a lot of grief.

[Fatted]

I always wanted more than one. My mum is an only child and she didn't like it. DH and I are both one of 4. I'm very close to my siblings but DH isn't.

I could never imagine having an only child. Even after having a difficult birth with DS1 and saying never again, within a year we'd both decided to have another.

It's the same as everything in life, having an only child it has its pros and cons. My two are close but they do also fight like cat and dog and they certainly do not like to share anything! But when they're playing nicely together, it's lovely to watch. If we'd only had the one child, we would be better off as a family because I could have stayed in work full time and part of me does regret the road I've had to go down with my job.

I just think it's one of those things, you don't really know any different to what you have. I don't think it's selfish because everyone's experience is different and what works for me wouldn't work for everyone. My nephew is an only child. He has 4 cousins though all similar ages and he's really close to my boys. He seems happy and I'd say he's no better or worse about sharing than my boys.

[Solasshole]

Due to weird custody arrangements I perfectly was an only child even though I have a full biological brother (not half sibling.) I wish I had grown up with my brother or another sibling, I was a very lonely child. I also didn't have any other family, cousins etc nearby aside from my mum and step dad. I saw my cousins maybe 3 times in 18 years growing up. So I wouldn't recommend it myself but everyone's experience will be different so it's impossible to say what will/won't happen iyswim. I think if I'd had cousins nearby to play with it would have been very different so I'd recommend if you do just have 1 child to make sure they have lots of contact with cousins or family friends children etc as it will help with the loneliness

[Solasshole]

*I was an only child

lol I'm not perfect

[Thehop]

Not at all. If you’re happy with one, stop at 1!

[HeedMove]

I have three children. They fight like bloody cat and dog and it drives me and dh demented. Have one child if thats what you want. People saying its selfish are completely ridiculous. I know numerous only children who are perfectly happy as they are without siblings.

[Dreamingofkfc]

I am an only child and hated it. I knew I wouldn't have just one child, if I had a choice. I wouldn't say it's selfish as such, I just couldn't imagine why you would want one and not another

[blitzen]

I'm an only child and I love it!

[Highhorse1981]

Not selfish, no.

Having lost both my parents though I would have been utterly lost without my siblings. After my father died, we sat in the dining room and the three of us laughed and cried together. Being alone would have been horrific.

[LetsGoFlyAKiteee]

Nope definitely not selfish and sad that it's seen that way.

[Oldraver]

I had an only child for nearly 20 years and the only people saying it was unfair was those who had two or more. I took it that they were fortunate enough not to know what it was like for the 'choice' to have only one to not actually be a choice

I've known loads of people with OC over the years and apart form one they have all been absolutely lovely dc's

[Osopolar]

Unfortunately OP you probably will get comments because for some reason it is perfectly acceptable to tell people with one child that they are selfish but completely unacceptable to criticise other family sizes (apart from the very large who also seem to get criticised). Ignore though, only children are increasing and it wouldn't surprise if one day in the not too distant future they became the norm and these conversations will be obsolete :)

[Lifeisabeach09]

I have one child. I don't want another nor can I afford one.
She is not materially spoilt and she is a good sharer. I don't feel she is lonely as we have a strong extended family (close with her cousins) and frequent playdates with her friends.
She is very demanding of my attention though, which she never has had to share.

[kaytee87]

For those talking about caring for elderly parents as an oc being difficult. Remember that having a sibling doesn't guarantee any help with that. My mum has a sister but she has been the one to organise all care arrangements/do all care for my grandparents for the past 7 years now. My grandpa recently died and her sister didn't even sit with him in hospital when he was dying.

I have one dc and plan to have more because that's what we want. I certainly don't think it's selfish to have only one (especially if you'd be stretching yourself financially or emotionally having more).

I do see how much joy my son and nephew have playing together and it is good for children to be around others but that can be achieved without having more children.

[Bojangles33]

It's not selfish at all and plenty of people would argue that it's more selfish to have lots of kids!

[MarklesMerkin]

I have an only and he will always be an only. I may have had more if his dad wasn't an abusive arsehole but he is and that's that. I wouldn't have children from more than one father, not judging those that do but it can often end up in tears, especially if you split from the second father and one father plays a part in their childs life and one doesn't, one leaves theirs a large inheritance and one doesn't ... !

DS does have 3 half siblings (from 3 different mothers) on his fathers side, he meets up with 2 of them a few times a year and that's enough for him. He loves them but finds them hard work and it's certainly put him off the idea of having another one living with him.

I had a full brother, half sister, half brother, 3 step brothers and a step sister (only lived with full brother). None of us are close, I despise my full brother and am only civil with him for the sake of my mum. Half sister and I have only just started talking again after about 5 years NC. In an ideal world we'd all be close and help each other out etc but life isn't always like that. I'd have much preferred to be an only child.

Of course there are pros and cons to both having one child and having many children but it's up to each individual to decide what's best for them and their circumstances but it is absolutely not selfish to have only one child.

[Unfinishedkitchen]

Nope it’s not selfish. DB and I are NC and he’s as useless as a chocolate soldier anyway so I will get fuck all help when parents are old. Siblings don’t automatically equal help or support in many cases.

[wheezing]

I barely see my DB these days and have absolutely nothing in common but I am very grateful that I got to grow up with someone and share those years. I think I would have been very, very lonely without him and conscious of being outnumbered by adults.

My parents were very quiet though and if it was just the three of us I can just imagine us all watching TV in silence and eating our dinner in silence. For a time I didn’t have friends so without my DB I’d really have had noone. With my DB I had an ally.

All this being said, I have one now and I’m not as desperate for two as I thought I would be. I like to think we’re just a more relaxed and happy home though so they won’t need a sibling like I did.

[PositiveVibez]

I think only children tend to be spoilt and find they don't share very well or relate very well to others when growing up

Erm.....how can I put this? Oh I know - WHAT UTTER, UTTER BOLLOCKS

[Paintbox]

I think you should only have one if that’s what you want.
In response to the not sharing debate, I lived with an only child at uni. She wasnt spoilt in that she had everything and she definitely could share things. But... she was exceptionally demanding in her relationships and friendships, she was so used to being the centre of her parents world that she couldnt understand that she wasn’t the centre of everyone else’s. However this is my only experience of being close to an only child so I can’t comment on anyone else.

[TammySwansonTwo]

We only planned to have one but ended up having twins. They interacted a fair bit from about 8-12 months - they’re now 20 months and I can count on one hand the number of times they’ve interacted at all in the last 8 months. They completely ignore each other unless they want what the other one has. Having two kids doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll play together, though I’m hoping they will as they get older. We shall see.

I do find they are more understanding of sharing, waiting etc than my friends who have singletons of the same age. However, if you have an only child and then add another it’s only the second who’d benefit from that I guess!

[Unfinishedkitchen]

I wish more people stopped at one. Their lives would be much easier. I’ve lost count of the number of threads I’ve read where some woman is crying about some waste of space guy. It usually turns out that the guy has been a waste of space from day one but somehow they have three kids and now it’s too hard for her to leave.

[JumpingJetFlash]

I’m one of three, I hated it! It always felt like one of us was the odd one out. As adults I’m not close to either sister but get on well with one sibling when we are together. It would be lazy and wrong of me to assume all families with 3 children are the same and yet no one has a problem doing this with only children.
My daughter has subsequently been identified as autistic, having talked to parents with an autistic child and other NT children - I’m so glad that I don’t have to worry about meeting their needs alongside supporting the child with autism. We can arrange our house/life in a way that reduces my daughters stress in a way that’s only feasible as she’s a singleton. I also strongly suspect that I’m on the spectrum and feel that this was overlooked partly because I’m one of 3 and this has caused me poor mental health at points in my life as an adult. Do what is right for you and your family - there are pros and cons to everything.

[Firstnameterms]

1: “it will be hard looking after elderly parents” - my mother is one of 5. She was the only one who stepped up to look after my grandad in his old age. My friend, one of 3, is in the same position as my mother. Having siblings is zero guarantee of any help.

2) “Only children are selfish and can’t share”- absolute complete bollocks. I know plenty of children who have siblings who can’t share. This is always trotted out and it gets on my goat. My daughter is better at sharing than her cousins, who are extremely possessive over their possessions.

3) “they will be lonely” - yes they might be. So might people with siblings. I know several people who live hours away from their siblings. My dh has cut his off. My sister and I absolutely hated each other until we left home.

[Jessikita]

I don’t think it selfish in the slightest to have only one child. I think the opposite, I think it’s much more selfish to keep have g more and more.

[SandyY2K]

It's not selfish. It's a individual choice. If the two of you only want one child, then that's the way to go.