Is it selfish to have only one child?

[imagin]

NC for this.

I have three siblings, and growing up I was always told I was so lucky to have this, and how much I'd appreciate them when I'd grown up.

I'm grown up now and only see them a few times a year, we are very different people and not that close.

Me and DP only want one child. We feel it means we can give everything to them, and obviously there will be more money and attention as it won't be divided. Growing up with three siblings we went without things as there was only so much money and time.

We want to get only a two bed house because of this, but so many people say it's unfair on the child for them to be an only child as they'll have no one to play with. Is this really the case? I remember fighting with my siblings and having a lot of grief.

[user7469322]

I work with the elderly and a lot of them will tell me regularly how they never had siblings to share life with. A few don't have any children at all and you can see the pain that causes them or you have the ones who had one child and that child now lives miles away and they never see them.

[captainproton]

I have 3 kids and I spend 99.9% of my life devoted to making sure none get left out, that each one gets one-on-one time, they all get same opportunities etc. It is hard work, but I love my family. going from 1 to 2 children is hard work. It takes parenting to a different level. If you don’t have a deep-desire or longing to have another child, or have the resources to give them all the same time/money/space, then don’t have another one. My sister was decided on to give me a play mate and we have never got on. My mother did not really want another child and felt she should. She became very unhappy as more than 1 child is a lot harder.

Follow your heart, no one should have children unless their heart is yearning for it.

[TheScandinavianWoman]

Have one child and see how you feel, you might want another who knows. My point is, it's easy to sit there and speculate over many children you want when you don't even have one yet. Things change, you never know what's in store for you in the future.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

I think only children tend to be spoilt and find they don't share very well or relate very well to others when growing up and fighting isnpartbof that.

Yes I remember other adults used to like trotting out the "spoilt" only child stereotype, especially remember my best friend, who had a sister, a play room, brand new toys, a soda stream etc telling me this. We were very obviously poor, with my council house and jumble sale clothes. Some adults are just like to generalise.

As for fighting, hmmm I really missed out there

[kaytee87]

My sister was decided on to give me a play mate and we have never got on. My mother did not really want another child and felt she should. She became very unhappy as more than 1 child is a lot harder.

Your poor sister! I hope she was never informed of this.

[lanbury]

Personally I think it's selfish to have more children than you can comfortably afford. I think it's selfish to have more children you can comfortably dedicate enough individual time to. I've never really understood the mindset of people saying it's selfish to have one, when I actually think it's the opposite. I'm an only, my husband is an only, my mother is an only, my FIL is an only and we have an only. I've never had a cousin or shared a grandparent. I'm sure I have been spoilt but not in a showered with gifts kind of way, more of a time dedicated to take me places and do things with just me. We're Very close and I feel privileged, but I'm also capable and independent and have always had to work hard. I have lots of friends and can socialise yet equally happy to spend time alone as I don't depend on anyone. I never wanted a sibling. Same for my DS. But I know that's not the same for everyone. Every family dynamic differs and I know my family is "different" but we're all very happy!!

[huha]

I wanted to give my children siblings so they wouldn't have to deal with their parents deaths alone. My MIL was an only child as was my grandma. In addition to this, both had a "my way or else" attitude about them; very used to getting their own way and a little pouty when they didn't. I find this a common trait in only children.

[TittyGolightly]

I wanted to give my children siblings so they wouldn't have to deal with their parents deaths alone.

Absolutely no guarantee of this whatsoever.

[DebBray]

I remember an only child friend of mine saying that having only one was selfish and it has always played on my mind since medical reasons meant we were unable to have a sibling for my son. He is 11 now and is growing up to be a friendly, polite, well adjusted and overall good kid. We are reasonably financially secure so my son has nice stuff so could be accused of being spoilt but that could only be from someone with a materialistic point of view because he never expects or demands anything and judges no one on what they have. I am certainly not going to apogise for working hard and being in position to buy my child expensive things and it would be exactly the same if I had 2 children.
Knowing he was going to be an only child meant I forced myself (I am really not outgoing and totally uncomfortable meeting new people) to take him along to every baby/toddler group going so he could mix with other kids so he didn’t end up like me. We have always invited other children over for him to play, even at times when we really could have done without it, we offer for him to bring a friend if we are going out and now regularly take his pal on holiday with us and we have constant knocks on the door of friends wanting to play. Recently he went for tea at a friend’s who is one of four and on the way home i asked him how it was and he said he had a good time but glad he doesn’t have to live with that noise and squabbling every day!
Do not beat yourself up if one child is what is right for you like I did, just be a great parent like I’m sure you will be.

[RussianBluee]

Whats selfishness got to do with it? If anything its the ultimate selfishness to have more to look after you in old age or entertain the first. There are no guarantees the siblings will get on, wont move to the other side of the world or be reliable/interested/involved as many see their family a few times a year if that.

[robotcartrainhat]

There are pros and cons to any number of children. I was an only child and so was my husband and we both found it hard so we have decided to have a sibling for our son.
You do what is best for your particular family! It sounds like you have thought it through and decided on one, and I think that is perfectly valid despite it not being the conclusion I came to myself with mine.
You can only work with the insight that you have.

[Redrosebelle]

I’m an only child and don’t have any problems sharing or relating to others! I have wished for a sibling many many times, though. Before my first I swore I only wanted one. Now I’m pregnant with or second and can’t wait to see our first have a sibling.

[captainproton]

Unfortunately my sister and I were well aware. Also how having children had ruined her life. She eventually ended up an alcoholic and died from this. She was not a hands on mother, she had a great support network. One I would love, we have no local family.

She genuinely had children because her friends were having children and it seemed like she ought to.

[Osopolar]

I was a semi only and did always think I would have more than one due to loneliness. However firstly I realised the loneliness was nothing to do with not having siblings and everything to do with rubbish parents. And I had my DS and realised that having more than one child is a lot easier said than done. So like many of pre child thoughts about parenting I have now dismissed it as me being naive

[RussianBluee]

I think its the grass is geener, you want and fantasise of what you didnt have when in reality you could have had siblings that you never liked or got on with. Its not unheard of that you get posters resenting how 1 sibling is doing very little or not at all in terms of looking after their elderly parent and how they are resenting it or how one sibling is the spoilt one.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

Only children always want a sibling. I did. I finally got one when I was 18.

[JacquesHammer]

Only children always want a sibling. I did. I finally got one when I was 18

My DD doesn’t. She is very vocal in her desire to remain an only.

[baylisbaylis]

Do you go through life categorising whether everyone you meet was an only child based on their behaviour?? Would you even know without asking??
I honestly think it's a completely irrelevant discussion.
It just amounts to it being an easy target for other parents to judge you if your child happens to be anything but perfect in public. Is every selfish, naughty child you see an only child? I don't think they will be. Some will be, some won't. Most kids grow up to be relatively intelligent adults who will pick up skills which they haven't learnt as a child.

If you're destined to be a 'good mother', who takes the time to teach your child good social skills, table manners, conversational skills, playing skills etc surely you will do that whether you have 1 child or 2 or 5. The number of kids you have shouldn't (& probably won't) change how you parent.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

Funny Jacques, all onlies I've spoken to felt like me.

[LeighaJ]

I didn't like playing with my older sister as a child because she was always bratty and mean...and she still is at 41 years old.

I don't understand people thinking their input is okay to give in what is a personal choice for you and your partner. Like having a second child is no different then grabbing an extra loaf of bread at the shop.

[robotcartrainhat]

yeah I think it has to do with the family and not the actual number of kids.... I hated being an only and was extremely lonely but that did have a lot to do with how I was parented. I was not close to my parents and we moved around constantly.
As long as your only child has a lot of friends and is close to you then I think the lonliness is much less of an issue.

[JacquesHammer]

Funny Jacques, all onlies I've spoken to felt like me

Funny, my daughter who you’ve never spoken to doesn’t

Isn’t is strange that other people might have different opinions. “Only child” isn’t a hive mind.

[tomhazard]

They won't know any different so just have one if that's what you want.
I thought I only wanted one, but ended up with an unplanned second 2.5 years after DD. They're 5 and 3 now and I'm soooo glad I have DS too. They're turning into fab little play mates and usually enjoy each other's company. They played together on holiday and generally save me and Dh a lot of imaginative play! If they're not close as adults at least they've had a little mate growing up.

[formerbabe]

My parents died young... I'm very grateful I have a sister...I'd have loved more siblings too.

I don't think it's selfish to just have one. I do think there is something very unique about a sibling bond...no one else can really understand your past like them. I do feel sad for only children. I know many on here aren't close with their siblings..I don't understand that.

[captainproton]

The number of children you have does change how you parent. You have 1+ other people’s ages, likes and desires to accommodate. One child will like trains, others like animals, some are scared of animals. Some will eat beans others won’t. Some are confident, some are shy and others hate large parties/gatherings. You cannot just expect a sibling to be a carbon copy of the first child. And the first child will behave in a different way when interacting with 1+ other siblings. Some will get on, others won’t. And you have to be ready for this.