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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About in laws "helping"

77 replies

PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:21

Have a deadline this week to finish painting new house (upstairs) before carpet goes down next week.
DH and I have booked annual leave, my DF is retired and handy so is helping (and a complete grafter, he's done a lot for the new house, genuinely couldn't have managed without him).

In laws heard we are painting and offered to help, announced to DH that they will be staying with us in current rental house for 5 days while we all work on the new house.

Except they've bloody well turned up without painting clothes, with the intention of maybe helping for a day but mostly want to see the grandchildren (that they won't look after on their own because they don't know what to do if they're upset/don't know what to feed them/don't know how to put down for naps etc and have no intention of learning)!

Fair enough if they would come and look after DCs while we paint but really they are hindering our progress as me and /or DH needs to stay with them and supervise the DCs (otherwise DM would have them for the day).

AIBU to tell them to piss off and let us get on with it?? There's enough to do without wasting my week waiting on them and supervising them seeing the children!!

OP posts:
Thehop · 27/05/2018 15:23

Are there any jobs you can give them?

Take dc to park? Pack? Clean? Iron?

MorelloKisses · 27/05/2018 15:25

Just send DC to your DM. They they either do a job or don’t. But they aren’t hindering.

Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:25

Left MIL with toddler while I had a quick shower this morning - she's still "having a sit down" to recover from the 20 mins of playing!
(Fully healthy and active usually!!!!)

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Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:26

They would be so offended that DM is trusted with children on her own but they are not! Just keep saying it's because the children don't "know them" - not our fault they only visit 4 times a year!

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JaneyEJones · 27/05/2018 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dermymc · 27/05/2018 15:29

Sounds like a nightmare. Drop the kids off with your DM and get on with stuff.

ToadsforJustice · 27/05/2018 15:29

Send the DC to DM. Crack on with the painting. Let them be offended. If they complain tell them straight. You haven't got time for their finer feelings.

robotcartrainhat · 27/05/2018 15:30

How far away do they live? Can they easily get home? I think you should sit down with them and tell them that this isnt a holiday its specific time you set aside to do some work on your house... and that you need to spend this time doing that so could they either actually help as they said they would or return home.

EspressoPatronum · 27/05/2018 15:30

Could your mum come and stay in the house with your in laws while you go paint?!

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 27/05/2018 15:31

Sounds extremely unhelpful but very typical grandparent behaviour Flowers. Would they respond to a bit of tough love - you go out and buy them cheap painting clothes and then they paint while you supervise the DCs (shitty but at least you have 3 adults painting rather than 2) for a few days then you all do something awful while biting your tongue out of constant frustration with them fun with them on the last day and a half?

Agree are there ANY jobs they could do with the DC? If given specific instructions could they go to the park, do a movie afternoon (depends on age of DC) etc? If not you may need a difficult conversation which will only be effective if DH is on board Flowers.

MorelloKisses · 27/05/2018 15:31

I thought that it was their choice not to have DC alone?

Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:32

Youngest is just 1 and a bit whingey - I feel if they can't manage half an hour they won't manage all day! Doesn't help that they've never given him milk/put him down for a nap etc and he's a bit clingy/off with recent jabs.
He knows DM really well and always has fun at hers so I'm tempted but I think DH will side with his parents.

I'm the one pulling long days painting with my DF while DH puts the kids to bed! It's me that will be working harder! (DH is sloooooow at painting)

OP posts:
TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 27/05/2018 15:33

Would your mum come and help you paint leaving DH and his parents with the kids?

Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:35

My mum is great with the DC but a terrible (messy and clumsy++) painter!

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Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:36

It is their choice in essence - I would leave DC with MIL but she's never asked to be left in charge of them and if I asked I think she would refuse.

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ScrubTheDecks · 27/05/2018 15:36

Get DH to say : this isn’t working for us! We can’t stay and help you with tne kids, so I think we need to revert to Plan A and send them to other GP. Would you like to take over cooking and shopping duties! Otherwise come back and stay in new house once it’s fine and we can have nice relaxed time with you”

BlueJava · 27/05/2018 15:38

I'd have them looking after the children and be very dismissive of any problems - just carry on doing what you need to do. Ask her them to cook dinner for you :)

NerrSnerr · 27/05/2018 15:39

This sounds like my inlaws. When pregnant they came to help decorate a room. I was unwell so went for a lie down while MIL looked after our daughter who was 2. MIL couldn't do it, she came and asked either me or my husband every little thing. In the end I came down and took over when she wouldn't even change her nappy.

Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:41

FIL has never cooked in his life and MIL has so many food "allergies" (not allergies of course but reams of things she is intolerant to including non-coeliac gluten,dairy,tomato,onion,garlic,mushroom,caffeine,citrus...) that she is a nightmare in the kitchen!

DH is so protective of them I'm worried about bringing it up. He will just say I favour my parents (I do) - but they are just so much more useful when you need help!!

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Inapickled · 27/05/2018 15:43

We have the same problem with MIL. She wants to “watch” her DGC (which usually just involves someone else looking after them while she sits on comfy chair,) but once she’s in your house she also “doesn’t know where anything is,” and so needs food and drink brought to her. If we do ask her to make a meal, she complains so much that she can’t find her way around “my” (inapickled’s) kitchen or how tired she is, or expects enormous amounts of praise and appreciation and effort to even get her started, that it is not worth it. Her back is also constantly hurting, so even if we try and maximise everyone’s enjoyment and effort, she will always fall back on that.

But will DH ever tell her? No. He says she is older, she will not be with us forever, and why should we deny her the pleasure of watching her DGC in her twilight years. (She is 67.)

Gemini69 · 27/05/2018 15:48

send them home OP. .. this isn't help atall Flowers

Butterymuffin · 27/05/2018 15:50

Send them out to the park with the DC and as BlueJava says, minimise any problems they raise.

Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:51

To make it worse MIL has a horrendous cough - if the DCs catch it (they seem to pick up everything) then it will be tough on DM to look after poorly DCs!

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Fishface77 · 27/05/2018 15:52

Send em home op and if DH kicks of send your DF home and tell DM she can’t help and let him crack on with painting.
Your parents are being treated like the hired help. Fucking rude.

Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:55

I know I feel bad that my DM and DF are doing so much for us - they say they are happy to, they really love seeing the DCs and of course now we are set up in a new house if they find themselves alone/ill when they are older there is plenty of room for them Smile

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