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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About in laws "helping"

77 replies

PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 15:21

Have a deadline this week to finish painting new house (upstairs) before carpet goes down next week.
DH and I have booked annual leave, my DF is retired and handy so is helping (and a complete grafter, he's done a lot for the new house, genuinely couldn't have managed without him).

In laws heard we are painting and offered to help, announced to DH that they will be staying with us in current rental house for 5 days while we all work on the new house.

Except they've bloody well turned up without painting clothes, with the intention of maybe helping for a day but mostly want to see the grandchildren (that they won't look after on their own because they don't know what to do if they're upset/don't know what to feed them/don't know how to put down for naps etc and have no intention of learning)!

Fair enough if they would come and look after DCs while we paint but really they are hindering our progress as me and /or DH needs to stay with them and supervise the DCs (otherwise DM would have them for the day).

AIBU to tell them to piss off and let us get on with it?? There's enough to do without wasting my week waiting on them and supervising them seeing the children!!

OP posts:
sprinklesandsauce · 27/05/2018 15:57

Your DH needs to be honest with them, lay out that as you both need to be painting, they either look after DC on their own or DC go to your mum.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 27/05/2018 15:58

Send them home Op, they are a hindrance not a help. Don't let your DH pull rank, remind him bluntly that without you and your father doing the majority of the work & your mother doing all the childcare, that painting aint going to get done so he better decide what is more important. Tell your inlaws they can visit when you are in the new house, but they wait for an invitation & not invite themselves.

Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 16:00

Gahhhhhh I hate confrontation!!!!!

OP posts:
Inertia · 27/05/2018 16:05

Give the in laws some painting clothes and send the children to your mother. If they don’t like it, they know the way back to their house.

Original poster
PaintItBlack1 · 27/05/2018 16:19

I don't know if we can actually ask them to leave!!!

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 27/05/2018 16:23

Yes, send DC to DM and give Pil no attention. Either they paint or go home.

Tinkobell · 27/05/2018 16:25

It's very clear. Stop tip toeing around polite conventions. Say at the beginning that you've limited time and a goal to complete. Allocate tasks and resources. Agree to review each evening and amend plans and crack on.

Tinkobell · 27/05/2018 16:27

If they want a staycation and to dip in dip out might be best to come another time. Take the kids back to theirs maybe?

Tinkobell · 27/05/2018 16:28

Or go to b&q and buy them zip up boiler suits for over their nice clothes.

EspressoPatronum · 27/05/2018 16:32

Honestly, of you're set on avoiding confrontation, is just ask your mum to come to yours and 'help' pil with the kids.

robotcartrainhat · 27/05/2018 16:35

f you dont want to directly ask them to leave then just go down the passive aggressive route of getting on with whatever you wanted to do anyway... leave the kids with your parents/get them to come watch the kids and then go and do the work on your house.. interact with them as little and as coldly as possible... the awkward atmosphere would then hopefully get the point across that this isnt a holiday for you....
sort of cowards way out but maybe the most polite and British way of handling it!!

SometimesMaybe · 27/05/2018 16:35

Just say, I’m really sorry but it’s all hands on deck and DH needs to do some painting today. Would you like to watch the kids or shall I ask DM?
Then they can’t complain about not seeing the kids as they were offered.

Lemons1571 · 27/05/2018 16:42

What have they actually said? That they want to paint for one day or not at all? What did they say about the lack of painting clothes / overalls? if they won’t mind the kids on their own and won’t paint, then I’d just crack on exactly how you would’ve done if they weren’t there. Kids to DM, you paint (if that was the original plan).

TheBlueDot · 27/05/2018 16:44

I’d do as sometimes says, them it’s up to them whether they look after DC or not. Be firm but friendly.

nokidshere · 27/05/2018 16:51

It sounds like you are as reluctant as them to trust them with dc's.

If they are fit and healthy and here to help just let them get on with it. Leave a list of meal and nap times an maybe stuff that the dc like to do, cheerily say goodbye and leave them to it. They will bond much quicker with dc's if you aren't there to take over.

Give them your mums number if they need help or company.

Everyone will be fine

BustopherJones · 27/05/2018 17:08

I sympathise - mine are the same.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 27/05/2018 17:15

If DH is slow at painting, send him, the kids and PIL off out on day trips and you just crack on. You might find you get more done by yourself than with everyone around.

Gizzymum · 27/05/2018 17:25

Could your DM come over and "supervise" the IL's with your D.C.? That way the kids are still looked after by DM, IL's get to spend time with DC, and you, DP and DF get to crack on with painting?

user1andonly · 27/05/2018 17:34

Could you take one dc to your mum and leave the easiest one to look after (probably the oldest) with the pils with instructions that dc would love to visit X-place and then leave them to it. Surely two adults can manage one child between them.

If not, then make sure dh is the one stuck looking after them and the dc while you and your Dad do the painting.

Gemini69 · 27/05/2018 17:45

all these options for OP are a hindrance to the painting which needs to be done before next week though....

TheDrinksAreOnMe · 27/05/2018 17:48

It sounds like they’ve just tried to find an excuse to play with the children at their lesuire. My in laws are awful for this too!

TheWernethWife · 27/05/2018 17:53

Why do people say they hate confrontation so let things happen to them without a bloody murmur. Your DH parents are neither use nor ornament at the moment so should be told to go and come back when the painting is done. If DH moans about it then you and the children go back to your mum's and let DH crack on with his parents faffing about. Stand up for yourself OP or this will become your life, afraid of offending people who don't seem to have a problem offending you.

BustopherJones · 27/05/2018 17:54

It shouldn’t be your job to tell them, OP. They’re not your parents. Their son should be sorting it. Ask him what they’re doing and if it’s actually helping or making work for you.

RibenaMonsoon · 27/05/2018 18:27

Ask them what they'd like to do.
'MIL we've got to have X, Y and Z done by the end of today. Do you and FIL want to look after DC, cook the meals or paint today?"
Don't ask them to help, assume they are already going to be helping. As that's what they've said they would do. Then if they refuse any of that you can then ask them what they were going to be doing to help.

You can then act surprised and confused if they suggest that they aren't going to be helping as that was the purpose of their visit.

Which will then lead you onto the conversation of " If you are planning to just visit, it might have been better if we had arranged it for another time, as you know we've got a lot to do and not a lot of time to get it done. "

AllMYSmellySocks · 27/05/2018 18:30

I would just not wait on them. Tell them "I was going to send DC to my mum's today so we can paint, you're welcome to take them out for the day instead but we won't be around as we're painting.". Then they can either babysit properly or not as they wish.

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