I need advice and help. Content Warning: drugs, stillbirth, general misery.

[OverAndOut9]

I've NC for this and fair warning it's LONG.

I need help, I'll try to tell as much if the story as poss to avoid drip feeding etc, my head is a bit all over though, so apologies if I miss anything.

So, I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with DD1. Had a stillbirth last year, DS1 was born sleeping at 38+2. It was his first birthday last week.

My relationship with the father of the children has been a little up and down over the years. We have been together for about 3 years now and are due to get married later this year.

In the history of the relationship there have been drink and drug issues on his part, coke is the drug of choice and featured heavily in his life just before he met me. I explained to him when we got together that I wasn't comfortable with the drugs and if he wanted to continue with them then for me that would be the end of the relationship as I simply didn't want anything to do with them. He accepted this, however there were a few occasions where he used again after we'd had arguments etc, he'd disappear sometimes all night with his friends, getting wrecked and it would transpire the next morning that he'd been on the stuff.
He has done a few disappearing acts with his friends over the course of the relationship which have been a source of great anxiety for me. He would often say he was on his way home and wouldn't return until the next morning, usual dick-ish behaviour.

It got to a point where he wanted to get off the drugs for good, obviously it strained our relationship and rightly or wrongly I didn't LTB, perhaps I should have at that point...

He asked me if he could live with me for a while so he could be away from the people and places he would associate with it. I reluctantly agreed to let him stay with me. The usage stopped and things were better.

Then, late 2016 I found out I was pregnant with DS1. We still had our own houses at this point. I was unsure if we should go through with the pregnancy given the unstable history of his father, but we decided to give things a proper go.

He sold his house and moved into mine. He set up his own company (which has been massively successful) and all seemed to be going well.

Sadly, as mentioned we lost DS, with no real explanation as to what happened.

Things were tough last year after he died but we got through things together. "D"P proposed to me just after DS was born and I said yes. It was very difficult for me to ever imagine a life with another man after what we had been through. That wasn't my only reason for saying yes, obviously I love him and when things are good they are amazing and I'm as happy as I have ever been if not more.

After DS was stillborn there were a few more disappearing acts. I think it was a week after ds was born, DP disappeared on his motorbike all day and wouldn't answer his phone. I eventually got a text from him at 3am asking me to pick him up, (he was 30 miles away) because he was too drunk to ride home. As I was worried about him I obliged and excused his behaviour because we had just lost our son. Obviously he was being a prick but grief does funny things to people.

Since then things have been uneventful. We started TTC again around a month or two after we lost DS, eventually falling pregnant again about 6 months later.

Wedding planning was going well etc, then over Christmas we had another "incident" - I was at my work's Christmas do. DP agreed he would pick me up.
I called him just before midnight for him to come and get me (I didn't know I was pregnant at this point). He answered the phone and said he would be collecting me with his friend, in his friend's car - It transpired that he'd been out drinking with said friend, don't know how much he'd had, he claims not much but probably enough to be over the limit.
He ended up having an accident and writing my car off because he "turned the traction control off" and landed it in a ditch. He was un harmed.

This car was mine and worth a considerable amount of money and was now completely fucked. So thanks to his dickish behaviour I now had no transport (apart from my motorbike, which I didn't want to be riding on icy roads particularly), no way to get to work, etc, you get the picture.

Anyway, we got home and the police ended up knocking at the door at 2am because he had fled the scene and he got arrested. He was eventually released without charge but it was all a fucking mess and it pretty much broke us up.

I found out a week later I was pregnant with dd1.

I told him that if he wanted us to work that he needed to go to counselling to try to sort his head and behaviour out. He reluctantly agreed and has been attending ever since, once a week.

Things seemed to be going well again and he made progress with the counselling and our relationship has been fairly strong since. He has spent time with friends and avoided being a twat and drug, etc.

This last week has been tough, it was ds 1st birthday, I was obviously very emotional and upset. He was supportive and we muddled through it together. Then this week has been a bit stressful for him. We'd had an argument about money or something irrelevant and he's snowed under with work so working pretty much every hour he can.

I was working all day yesterday. I get a message from him saying he's been at work all day and wants to go out with some friends that evening, plans on staying over at friend's house and coming back this morning.

I say fine, I was happy to have a bit of time to myself anyway to be honest. I did have the gut feeling of something shit was going to happen though but it's not unusual for me to feel a bit shit when he decides he's going out.

I text him this morning at about 11am asking when he thinks he will be home. He replies saying he's on his was home but he's a bit of a mess.
Of course he's been drinking all night and done coke again, after well over a year of sobriety and two months before his daughter is due to be born.

I am angry, understandably. Also a bit numb. Feel like a mug and that he's just going to keep doing this for the rest of the time we are together if I keep forgiving him.

What the fuck do I do?

He's currently upstairs asleep.
I've told him I want him to leave but he says he can't drive at the minute, he needs to sleep and then he will get his things together and go somewhere.
Don't know where he will go as he doesn't really have anyone close to us here and no family.
The house is mine, mortgaged, he doesn't have claim to anything.
I don't really care where he goes to be honest but I think I need to be alone for a while to get my head around this.

He's said it was a mistake and it wasn't about me or our daughter or trying to hurt either of us. He claims that we are the most important people in his life, however I don't understand how you can do this to someone you care so greatly about.

For context, if it matters, he's 33 and I'm 25.

I just want advice. Would I be stupid to even try to forgive him for this?

I feel so numb I'm not even sure if I care.

Sorry it's so long and rambling.

OP, firstly, here's a strong hand hold. You're expecting a baby, you need a calm environment, you've been through enough Sweet.
Are you ready ? Out means out, not come back tomorrow and work in my house, and maybe still be around when I get home.
Let him take his stuff with him.

Op a hand hold from me too,
l do really feel for you.. you have had a rough ride , but it is clear that this must not continue now a child is on the way.

You CAN do this without him, get a female lodger to help with bills if need be, that can bring in a chunk of extra income £7,500 tax free.

Make your plans without him, and let him be shocked enough to see if he can really stop and turn his life around to be part of his childs life.

Cancel the wedding, let go of the losses it is not the end of the world.

Turn all your focus on getting support for you and your unborn baby from friends and family and really look after yourself, shut him out, don't give him headspace, this is the time to focus on you.

Un mumsnetty hugs for you

So, he's gone.

Well, sort of.
Says he's going to sleep in his van outside the house because he refuses to pay for a hotel and doesn't want to go to impose on his friends, that and he's also embarrassed.

I don't really feel comfortable knowing he's there. I also don't feel like it's the best idea because if he tries to guilt trip me i don't know how likely it is that I will just give in and let him sleep in the spare room which is not the outcome I wanted particularly.

He said to me whilst bawling his eyes out that he thought if he could make it to the birth of our daughter he wouldn't think about drugs any more and it would all go away.
I told him this was not a realistic solution to the problem.

He then said he expected that I would be more supportive and I wouldn't kick him out.

That happened quickly.

Speaking from experience. It might stop for a bit but the threat of it is always there and then bang something doesn't go their way and it's a 'reason/excuse' for it to happen again. You might not feel strong now but you'll find the courage to LTB once it's not just you his binges affect.

You're in grave danger of making a rod for your back OP.
He shouldn't be outside your house, the morning will come, and he'll be hogging the toilet and shower, ending up staying all day.
If you really want him to change, you have to change yourself, be more assertive. His tears will soon dry up, when he gets back in.
Be brave.

Let him sleep in the van. People have slept worse places and survived the night. But I expect it'll only last one night (if that) and when you don't cave then he'll be off to a friend's or a hotel.

And 'no' to using the 'office'. Gone is gone. He needs to make other arrangements, pronto. Letting him use it only encourages him to think he'll weasel his way back as he's already got 'one foot in' by being there daily, 'working'.

Do you have a way to lock yourself in the house once he leaves in case he refuses to surrender the house key?

Let him sleep in his van, he’ll move it soon enough.

No to the office. Presumably he has phone and laptop, and can take any paperwork today.

Yes, the house was locked from the inside and keys left in the door. I took his house keys off him straight away anyway yesterday, it was pretty much the first thing I did.

The office is an actual office, masses of computers, printers, etc. It's not a laptop and paperwork job but it can be moved, it would just take time.

He said to me yesterday that he has to work or how else is he going to look after me and DD - which is true enough but equally I've looked after myself since I moved out my parent's at 18 years old.

I'm leaving for work later this morning so will see if he's still there then and see what happens. Sadly there's no way for me to sneak out of the house and him not see me should the van still be there.

Sorry I don't have much advice but I just wanted to say that at 25 you sound like a very strong woman after loosing your son, with a mortgage of your own and working 45 hours a week whilst very pregnant.

Put yourself and your child first and keep going. You will look back in 10 years and will be proud of yourself.

Also, sorry if this has already been asked, but what did your partner do with the money he made from selling his house? Can't he just buy a flat nearby with the proceeds from that?

He used it all for starting up his own business.

Just walk past the van. No need to engage with him.

You say his business is successful, so he can afford to rent a workspace or a small flat for himself to live in with space to work.

It should only take him a few days to sort out somewhere and move the essential stuff. There are plenty of flats, or short term, low cost business workspace rentals easily available.

He has to work, yes, but he doesn’t have to work from your flat.

This is true.

He's still out there. Just saw him when I was returning from a dog walk. I didn't look at him though, just saw him in the mirrors.

I think you know that you are going to forgive him. You always have.
The problem with this relationships (I have plenty of experience) is that when you love a man and you are dumb enough to have children with them they suck you into their caos.
I was married with one of those for 3 years. Got two kids and my life was miserable. My only regret is the pain we cause our children.
If you decide to forgive him he'll do it again and again.
I'll say don't marry him to protect your assets.
He hasn't replaced your car money and he'll take half your house eventually.
He may change but understand that you live with an addict.
I know I sound harsh but that's the reality of living with people that struggle with addictions.
Good luck and I hope you find a way to fix this. Please don't have any more children after this one.

When the chips are down, you cannot trust or rely on this man. He makes promises and breaks them and is (psychologically at least) hooked on illegal drugs. He destroyed your property and could have killed himself or someone else through drunk driving. How on earth do you think he is a suitable person to settle down with into family life with a child? Yes, he could change. Pigs might fly.

Oh and however hard/expensive/awful you think it would be to cancel the wedding and split up now, do you think it will be any easier to divorce years down the line?

No, I don't think divorce would be easier at all.

I don't know how easy being a single parent would be either, especially after losing one child already, I'm probably psychologically speaking going to be an absolute mess.

That said it probably wouldn't be much better if we were together anyway.

I'm worried about a lot of things, both if I stay with him and if I don't.

That's why I asked for advice.

I know, and it must be awfully hard. As they say, I suppose you have to 'choose your hard'.

I think life is a lot easier when you don't have someone else sabotaging your life and draining your emotional energy.

Life is hard as a single parent, but it's mostly the practical things, which can all be managed.

I don't think he's going to change, OP.

Don't think about what you've spent on your wedding. If you marry him then legally you would be sharing everything you own with him, including your house.

I think you've fallen for the sunk costs fallacy. You feel as though you've invested time and money and emotion into this relationship, you've been through a lot together, and you're having a baby with him. That naturally gives a lot of weight to wanting to carry on.

But he is a drug addict. He went on a drunken bender a week after you gave birth to a stillborn child and got you to come and pick him up at 3am. That should tell you everything you need to know about who this man is.

Being a single parent will be hard but at least it will just be you and your child and you will know where you stand. Imagine next time he calls you drunk and coked up in the middle of the night asking you to come and pick him up and your baby is sleeping. Imagine next time he writes off your car or gets himself arrested and you have to cope with that at the same time as looking after your daughter and trying to give her a loving, stable childhood.

No. LTB.