I need advice and help. Content Warning: drugs, stillbirth, general misery.

[OverAndOut9]

I've NC for this and fair warning it's LONG.

I need help, I'll try to tell as much if the story as poss to avoid drip feeding etc, my head is a bit all over though, so apologies if I miss anything.

So, I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with DD1. Had a stillbirth last year, DS1 was born sleeping at 38+2. It was his first birthday last week.

My relationship with the father of the children has been a little up and down over the years. We have been together for about 3 years now and are due to get married later this year.

In the history of the relationship there have been drink and drug issues on his part, coke is the drug of choice and featured heavily in his life just before he met me. I explained to him when we got together that I wasn't comfortable with the drugs and if he wanted to continue with them then for me that would be the end of the relationship as I simply didn't want anything to do with them. He accepted this, however there were a few occasions where he used again after we'd had arguments etc, he'd disappear sometimes all night with his friends, getting wrecked and it would transpire the next morning that he'd been on the stuff.
He has done a few disappearing acts with his friends over the course of the relationship which have been a source of great anxiety for me. He would often say he was on his way home and wouldn't return until the next morning, usual dick-ish behaviour.

It got to a point where he wanted to get off the drugs for good, obviously it strained our relationship and rightly or wrongly I didn't LTB, perhaps I should have at that point...

He asked me if he could live with me for a while so he could be away from the people and places he would associate with it. I reluctantly agreed to let him stay with me. The usage stopped and things were better.

Then, late 2016 I found out I was pregnant with DS1. We still had our own houses at this point. I was unsure if we should go through with the pregnancy given the unstable history of his father, but we decided to give things a proper go.

He sold his house and moved into mine. He set up his own company (which has been massively successful) and all seemed to be going well.

Sadly, as mentioned we lost DS, with no real explanation as to what happened.

Things were tough last year after he died but we got through things together. "D"P proposed to me just after DS was born and I said yes. It was very difficult for me to ever imagine a life with another man after what we had been through. That wasn't my only reason for saying yes, obviously I love him and when things are good they are amazing and I'm as happy as I have ever been if not more.

After DS was stillborn there were a few more disappearing acts. I think it was a week after ds was born, DP disappeared on his motorbike all day and wouldn't answer his phone. I eventually got a text from him at 3am asking me to pick him up, (he was 30 miles away) because he was too drunk to ride home. As I was worried about him I obliged and excused his behaviour because we had just lost our son. Obviously he was being a prick but grief does funny things to people.

Since then things have been uneventful. We started TTC again around a month or two after we lost DS, eventually falling pregnant again about 6 months later.

Wedding planning was going well etc, then over Christmas we had another "incident" - I was at my work's Christmas do. DP agreed he would pick me up.
I called him just before midnight for him to come and get me (I didn't know I was pregnant at this point). He answered the phone and said he would be collecting me with his friend, in his friend's car - It transpired that he'd been out drinking with said friend, don't know how much he'd had, he claims not much but probably enough to be over the limit.
He ended up having an accident and writing my car off because he "turned the traction control off" and landed it in a ditch. He was un harmed.

This car was mine and worth a considerable amount of money and was now completely fucked. So thanks to his dickish behaviour I now had no transport (apart from my motorbike, which I didn't want to be riding on icy roads particularly), no way to get to work, etc, you get the picture.

Anyway, we got home and the police ended up knocking at the door at 2am because he had fled the scene and he got arrested. He was eventually released without charge but it was all a fucking mess and it pretty much broke us up.

I found out a week later I was pregnant with dd1.

I told him that if he wanted us to work that he needed to go to counselling to try to sort his head and behaviour out. He reluctantly agreed and has been attending ever since, once a week.

Things seemed to be going well again and he made progress with the counselling and our relationship has been fairly strong since. He has spent time with friends and avoided being a twat and drug, etc.

This last week has been tough, it was ds 1st birthday, I was obviously very emotional and upset. He was supportive and we muddled through it together. Then this week has been a bit stressful for him. We'd had an argument about money or something irrelevant and he's snowed under with work so working pretty much every hour he can.

I was working all day yesterday. I get a message from him saying he's been at work all day and wants to go out with some friends that evening, plans on staying over at friend's house and coming back this morning.

I say fine, I was happy to have a bit of time to myself anyway to be honest. I did have the gut feeling of something shit was going to happen though but it's not unusual for me to feel a bit shit when he decides he's going out.

I text him this morning at about 11am asking when he thinks he will be home. He replies saying he's on his was home but he's a bit of a mess.
Of course he's been drinking all night and done coke again, after well over a year of sobriety and two months before his daughter is due to be born.

I am angry, understandably. Also a bit numb. Feel like a mug and that he's just going to keep doing this for the rest of the time we are together if I keep forgiving him.

What the fuck do I do?

He's currently upstairs asleep.
I've told him I want him to leave but he says he can't drive at the minute, he needs to sleep and then he will get his things together and go somewhere.
Don't know where he will go as he doesn't really have anyone close to us here and no family.
The house is mine, mortgaged, he doesn't have claim to anything.
I don't really care where he goes to be honest but I think I need to be alone for a while to get my head around this.

He's said it was a mistake and it wasn't about me or our daughter or trying to hurt either of us. He claims that we are the most important people in his life, however I don't understand how you can do this to someone you care so greatly about.

For context, if it matters, he's 33 and I'm 25.

I just want advice. Would I be stupid to even try to forgive him for this?

I feel so numb I'm not even sure if I care.

Sorry it's so long and rambling.

It sounds like as soon as things get a bit tough your DP uses that as an excuse. Life though, as you've very sadly found out, has lots of tough times (as well as good ones) and he needs to be able to work his way through them, not escape into drink and drugs. Until he feels he can do that, he needs to stay away from situations and people that will tempt him. He should never have asked to go out for drinks at all and especially not with this "mate", knowing where it could lead.

You are in denial.

The financial loss of cancelling the wedding will be far, far less than the financial costs of being tied to him - the car is a classic example.

You just never imagine your life will turn out like this do you.

I think I'm in shock but at the same time not shocked at all.

Sorry to say this OP but I don't think he will change. They make excuses for bad behaviour to justify their selfish stuff. And he s 33 so hardly a teenager.
You lost your son too but you don't get drunk and do drugs and wreck cars.
In my case I wasted my youth and 30 years waiting for DP to end his love affair with alcohol and one day I just had enough.
I remember the anxious small hours waiting for the key in the lock and the stupid excuses. I remember the jobs lost and the rent not paid when DC were little.
Also not knowing what the drunk mood would be like.
Get out while you're still pregnant and get support from family and friends. Your baby deserves better.
And be honest with people who think he s prince charming.

I would be surprised if everyone who thinks you are a perfect couple knows he goes on coke binges, stays out all night without telling you where he is, has drunk and driven and has just had a coked up night out when you are pregnant again.

Have you been honest with them, or hidden much of it?

OP the guy has showed you who he is and you refuse to believe him.

He has drink and drug problems - do you want to bring up a child in that?

The next time he drinks and drives again he will probably end up in prison. How are you going to explain "daddy's little holiday" to your child? What happens if he kills someone while doing it? What happens if he decides to drive with your child in the car?

Kick him out and cancel the wedding plans. You cannot marry him for your own sake otherwise you will be divorced within 10 years.

Also re counselling "He reluctantly agreed and has been attending ever since, once a week."

I would check that he has been attending. I know with counselling things can emotionally get worse sometimes as you work through your issues, but he's been in it for 5mths now.

My friend’s sister married a man like this. Before the wedding it was odd weekends every few months. He promised to stop once they were married. He didn’t.

By the time she left him 9 months later he had run up thousands of £ worth of debt in their joint names including a car rental that she was stuck paying for over the next 3 years.

Sort OP but I would run for the hills. It might be the wake-up call he needs.

I've hidden most of it - again because I'm in denial. I know that I am, it's just scary the thought of being alone, with a new baby and certainly not the life I ever imagined.

Been where you are now. Kick his arse out. It's the only way forward

It’s never going to stop.

You and your baby are not the most important things in the world to him. His needs for drink and drugs are.

Would you want your daughter with a man like this?

If you forgive now, accept that your life and your daughters life will be spent waiting for the next time you have to forgive him.

I hid it too and made excuses because when it was good it was very very good and we had been together since school.
I now realise all I was doing was enabling and normalising his addiction.
I am worth more. So are you. Don't let this drag on for years.
I know it must be terrifying while being pregnant as well but I can't see any other way to a happy life but to leave him.

He's said it was a mistake It most certainly was. One t hat most adults don't make. Sensible adults don't drink and drive, they don't do coke and drive. Only pissed and coked up twats get in a car, turn off the traction control, have quick race, crash and run away!

... it wasn't about me or our daughter or trying to hurt either of us. Well, there you go, straight from the horse's mouth. What he does isn't about you or your daughter, he isn't trying to do anything to either of you, he is just doing what he does.

You've heard the tale of the frog and the scorpion? Don't be that frog!!

Op - you have tried very hard. He is 33 and I don't think he will change if you go on allowing him to behave like this. He needs a shock, and you need to get on with your life. Congratulations on your pregnancy - take care of yourself.

He won't change.

Time to leave and create a future for you and your soon-to-be-born child.

Something tells me you won't and will try to cling on to him. But at least you can't say you weren't fore-warned.

Well, your choice as to whether you want to bring up your unborn child up with a drug addict or not. I wouldn’t.

My mum had second thoughts about marrying my dad. Different reasons but they weren't suited really. My dad worked hard and isn't a bad man but had other flaws. They stayed together for us kids but separated after 20 years of marriage when she finally cracked. I think it would have been a lot easier for her to have called the wedding off. Divorces are expensive and traumatic too. Do you have insurance so you could postpone wedding?

Put yourself and your daughter first. He's a loser. He's proved it time and time again. You deserve so much better than him. Call it a day. You'll spend the rest of your life waiting for the next relapse otherwise and every day will be clouded by worry and uncertainty.

Being a single mum has to be better than staying in this mess of a relationship.

Don't worry about the wedding money - better to lose it than go through with a pointless ceremony in the hope you'll get your happy ever after.

I am concerned about the financial implications of us splitting too. Granted, I have had my mortgage for around 4 years and always coped by myself. However since being with him I've allowed myself a few treats if you like because money was never a worry.

After the car incident I had to get another in finance as I didn't have anywhere near enough savings to purchase one outright. So now I have that to pay for as well.

I would struggle if I didn't have him helping out. I'm going to really struggle with just maternity pay. No idea how much he would contribute towards anything either.

I'm not suggesting that's a reason t stay together, just another thing to be concerned about I suppose.

The thing you won't hear about on mumsnet, is that people can and do change. I have, you probably have, it happens. An old friend of mine was an alcoholic for many years, certainly when he met his current partner and mother of his two kids. At the start he was pretty bad, he would get better, then there would be another episode of paralytic drunkenness, or a binge. He would be regretful, ashamed, it took years, the episodes got further apart and now he makes good choices all the time. It wasn't easy for her, or him, and he is bloody lucky. But they are rock solid now.
Anyway, you don't have to forgive and forgive and forgive, but understand that sometimes, especially when triggered by darknesses, and when it is an old crutch, alcohol, drugs, these are our go-to's for self-medicating. I rarely consume either, but occasionally i feel the pull of these old habits too. But I've changed too. People sometimes do. Kick him out for a week, make him think about it. But you don't have to make any ultimatums.

No wedding insurance either.

Yes it’s scary being a single parent, but not anywhere near as scary as being married to an addict and jointly financially responsible for the financial costs of their actions. And then there are the emotional costs.

You made mistakes staying and ttc and agreeing to marry this man, but that’s done. Don’t compound it by staying with him when he is clearly not going to stay sober. You have a DC to consider.

You went through something terrible together with the loss of your DS, but that doesn’t bind you to him or mean you couldn’t love someone else as much. Anyway, love isn’t enough.

That's what is niggling at the back of my mind liminality - what if he will get better?

I mean, it's been well over a year since he's done anything of the sort, he's in therapy, he's "trying" to change, or at least it seems that way. I just don't know if enough is enough now.

It wouldn't be easy on you, but I don't think there is any easy out in the situation. You don't have to separate but you could still hold off wedding for a bit. If it's still a bit away you might only lose deposits?