I need advice and help. Content Warning: drugs, stillbirth, general misery.

[OverAndOut9]

I've NC for this and fair warning it's LONG.

I need help, I'll try to tell as much if the story as poss to avoid drip feeding etc, my head is a bit all over though, so apologies if I miss anything.

So, I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with DD1. Had a stillbirth last year, DS1 was born sleeping at 38+2. It was his first birthday last week.

My relationship with the father of the children has been a little up and down over the years. We have been together for about 3 years now and are due to get married later this year.

In the history of the relationship there have been drink and drug issues on his part, coke is the drug of choice and featured heavily in his life just before he met me. I explained to him when we got together that I wasn't comfortable with the drugs and if he wanted to continue with them then for me that would be the end of the relationship as I simply didn't want anything to do with them. He accepted this, however there were a few occasions where he used again after we'd had arguments etc, he'd disappear sometimes all night with his friends, getting wrecked and it would transpire the next morning that he'd been on the stuff.
He has done a few disappearing acts with his friends over the course of the relationship which have been a source of great anxiety for me. He would often say he was on his way home and wouldn't return until the next morning, usual dick-ish behaviour.

It got to a point where he wanted to get off the drugs for good, obviously it strained our relationship and rightly or wrongly I didn't LTB, perhaps I should have at that point...

He asked me if he could live with me for a while so he could be away from the people and places he would associate with it. I reluctantly agreed to let him stay with me. The usage stopped and things were better.

Then, late 2016 I found out I was pregnant with DS1. We still had our own houses at this point. I was unsure if we should go through with the pregnancy given the unstable history of his father, but we decided to give things a proper go.

He sold his house and moved into mine. He set up his own company (which has been massively successful) and all seemed to be going well.

Sadly, as mentioned we lost DS, with no real explanation as to what happened.

Things were tough last year after he died but we got through things together. "D"P proposed to me just after DS was born and I said yes. It was very difficult for me to ever imagine a life with another man after what we had been through. That wasn't my only reason for saying yes, obviously I love him and when things are good they are amazing and I'm as happy as I have ever been if not more.

After DS was stillborn there were a few more disappearing acts. I think it was a week after ds was born, DP disappeared on his motorbike all day and wouldn't answer his phone. I eventually got a text from him at 3am asking me to pick him up, (he was 30 miles away) because he was too drunk to ride home. As I was worried about him I obliged and excused his behaviour because we had just lost our son. Obviously he was being a prick but grief does funny things to people.

Since then things have been uneventful. We started TTC again around a month or two after we lost DS, eventually falling pregnant again about 6 months later.

Wedding planning was going well etc, then over Christmas we had another "incident" - I was at my work's Christmas do. DP agreed he would pick me up.
I called him just before midnight for him to come and get me (I didn't know I was pregnant at this point). He answered the phone and said he would be collecting me with his friend, in his friend's car - It transpired that he'd been out drinking with said friend, don't know how much he'd had, he claims not much but probably enough to be over the limit.
He ended up having an accident and writing my car off because he "turned the traction control off" and landed it in a ditch. He was un harmed.

This car was mine and worth a considerable amount of money and was now completely fucked. So thanks to his dickish behaviour I now had no transport (apart from my motorbike, which I didn't want to be riding on icy roads particularly), no way to get to work, etc, you get the picture.

Anyway, we got home and the police ended up knocking at the door at 2am because he had fled the scene and he got arrested. He was eventually released without charge but it was all a fucking mess and it pretty much broke us up.

I found out a week later I was pregnant with dd1.

I told him that if he wanted us to work that he needed to go to counselling to try to sort his head and behaviour out. He reluctantly agreed and has been attending ever since, once a week.

Things seemed to be going well again and he made progress with the counselling and our relationship has been fairly strong since. He has spent time with friends and avoided being a twat and drug, etc.

This last week has been tough, it was ds 1st birthday, I was obviously very emotional and upset. He was supportive and we muddled through it together. Then this week has been a bit stressful for him. We'd had an argument about money or something irrelevant and he's snowed under with work so working pretty much every hour he can.

I was working all day yesterday. I get a message from him saying he's been at work all day and wants to go out with some friends that evening, plans on staying over at friend's house and coming back this morning.

I say fine, I was happy to have a bit of time to myself anyway to be honest. I did have the gut feeling of something shit was going to happen though but it's not unusual for me to feel a bit shit when he decides he's going out.

I text him this morning at about 11am asking when he thinks he will be home. He replies saying he's on his was home but he's a bit of a mess.
Of course he's been drinking all night and done coke again, after well over a year of sobriety and two months before his daughter is due to be born.

I am angry, understandably. Also a bit numb. Feel like a mug and that he's just going to keep doing this for the rest of the time we are together if I keep forgiving him.

What the fuck do I do?

He's currently upstairs asleep.
I've told him I want him to leave but he says he can't drive at the minute, he needs to sleep and then he will get his things together and go somewhere.
Don't know where he will go as he doesn't really have anyone close to us here and no family.
The house is mine, mortgaged, he doesn't have claim to anything.
I don't really care where he goes to be honest but I think I need to be alone for a while to get my head around this.

He's said it was a mistake and it wasn't about me or our daughter or trying to hurt either of us. He claims that we are the most important people in his life, however I don't understand how you can do this to someone you care so greatly about.

For context, if it matters, he's 33 and I'm 25.

I just want advice. Would I be stupid to even try to forgive him for this?

I feel so numb I'm not even sure if I care.

Sorry it's so long and rambling.

Wedding is supposed to be September. We are meant to be collecting our rings next week

A lot of things are paid for, thousands spent on the venue and food, etc. There's still more to pay and in those cases it would just be the deposits lost.

I've only just arranged to have my hair and make up and nails done. I suppose I could keep those appointments. Might make me feel a little better.

There are lots of sober addict MNetters. I doubt many would advocate staying in a relationship and hoping for the best, when the odds and evidence in this case suggests he will not change.

If he is serious about changing ad your relationship he can get and stay sober, be a good co parent, pay maintenance and try hard to win you back.

You don’t actually know if he’s attending counselling or being honest with his counsellor about his substance issues. Is his GP aware? Has he stopped drinking? Seeing people with similar problems? If not then he’s not actually “trying” at all.

You might find Al Anon useful.

You will probably only lose your deposits. Hair and nails can probably be cancelled for free. Can you return the rings?

You will need all the money you can getZ

Bollocks to the money wasted on the wedding.

Imagine the years, of your life and your DDs that’s you’ll waste trying to get him sober, and stay sober. Imagine the hours and days spent terrified, worrying about him when you should be bonding with your DD, imagine having to keep yourself straight and narrow every time DSs Anniversary Rocks around because you can’t afford to have a breakdown because you KNOW he will and you’ll be too busy dealing with him to have your own grief and upset.

When he's seen the counsellor we will often talk about what has been discussed when he's home and how he feels about stuff etc. It 's more relationship counselling than targeted addiction counselling. I am never present for the sessions so I don't know exactly what is discussed, however he has been better since starting the counselling. Recently the counsellor had asked if he wanted to keep going and he said yes and said signed up for more sessions.

GP is not aware of drug issues as far as I know.

Drinking is nowhere near what it used to be like. He will occasionally drink a bottle of beer after a day at work but he very very rarely goes out for nights out etc. To be honest I can't remember the last time he was drunk, obviously apart from last night.

Will he change? Well, you might possibly sponge the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same. You've been round and round this merry-go-round to many times.

Time to call it a day. And the money you might 'lose' on wedding deposits is a drop in the bucket compared to what you will lose over a lifetime of living with him. Not just money, but in peace and self-respect.

Op I am so sorry about your son.
You are nearly a decade younger than your fiancé and yet far more mature. He is behaving like a selfish man-baby. He seems to be railing against responsibility. That will be even worse when you have a new baby. Babies are stressful, they put even the best relationships under pressure . I agree with the pp who said the drunk driving would have been the end, he could have killed people. Having a child with this man will be miserable. Yes, sometimes people do change after having a child, but he really doesn’t sound like someone who wants to change. He is 33, he isn’t all that young. I hate to say this to you but I would thrown him out.

Here’s a snippet from what ExMIL told me when my DD was 2 weeks old and ExH has just come back from a 48 hour bender (and DD had only been home from NICU for 4 days at the point he went AWOL)

“Please don’t waste any more of your life on him. He will always use DSs death as a piss poor excuse for his behaviour, and you’ll always be on tenterhooks waiting for the next bender. And you’ll always feel like you can’t be angry or disappointed in him because of that excuse. But I can guarantee if you behaved like he is right now, people would have plenty of harsh words for you. Don’t do that to yourself, or to your daughter. You both deserve better, and he can’t even give you the bare minimum.”

OP. I’ve been there. It sucks.

Obviously I'm concerned that things will get worse after DD is born. I am under no illusions about the difficulty of having a newborn and I fear things will spiral out of control.

All he's talked about for the last 5 months is how excited he is for her arrival. He's been involved, present, loving. I don't understand how it can turn into this at the drop of a hat.

I suppose that's the reality of living with a drug addict. Jesus.

Words are easy. He may be genuinely looking forward to it. But he still has big substance problems.

His counselling isn’t even for substance problems and his GP isn’t aware! So he’s not even in treatment. You are in denial on that too.

The counselling was for a separate issue really, it was more for relationship counselling to try to sort out his shitty behaviour. At the time the drugs weren't an issue - I thought he had got over it. More fool me.

He's not in treatment for drug addiction, no. I didn't say he was.

Right, so in addition to the benders he treated you badly too.

You said he’d been “trying” and I assumed you meant to address his substance problems. So that’s not the case.

Why are you still with someone who has drug/drink issues that he is not even seeking help to address?

Please go to Al Anon.

You can cut your financial losses with the wedding.

You poor darling girl. You have suffered too much, too young.
I think it is time for a head-over-heart decision .

A wedding will not make a marriage.
Your love now has to be a tough love.
He has to earn and prove his commitment to be your partner and a father.
Much, much love to you. Please MN when you wobble or doubt.

Right, so in addition to the benders he treated you badly too.

Sorry, I don't know if im not explaining correctly...

It was the benders (alcohol) and being treated badly rolled into one that I pushed him to get counselling for. He ended up going to a counsellor who focused on the relationship side of things. Perhaps he thought the alcohol was not a problem, more the lack of consideration for me? I suppose it could be viewed as a fine line .

He's certainly not an alcoholic. He's not dependant on drink day to day at all. It's just the going out with friends, not knowing when to stop and ultimately last night happening.

Perhaps I should have pushed for substance counselling but at the time it wasn't really an issue.

Why are you still with someone who has drug/drink issues that he is not even seeking help to address?

Because things had been ok and I thought that the counselling he was receiving was helping. It was, for a while.

In hindsight I probably should have LTB when he crashed my car.

However I then found out I was pregnant so I thought I'd give it another go for the child's sake and maybe selfishly for my own.
Pregnancy is hard enough, never mind when you've lost a little one. Maybe I didn't feel mentally strong enough to be alone? I don't really know.

He had been supportive up until this point.

He sounds like a man child. I can imagine how hard it must feel to pull away given the emotional depths you have been through together, but you can do so much better.

I have often thought the same OrcinusOrca
I suppose that's probably my answer.

Big red flag that he asked to move into yours to help him to stay sober. It was not your responsibility to keep him away from temptation.

Do you own your property?

If his business is doing well he should be able to afford to pay decent maintenance, but he could also hide money and avoid it.

That was a couple of years ago Loopy - he asked me as he was worried it might escalate into more of a problem if he stayed at his house.

It's my mortgage, yes. He's not on it.

Yeah it's a LTD company so if he wants to hide income he can. Don't know how awkward he'd want to be about it all to be honest.

A small amount of people do change that's true.
I met a lady at my counselling class who was an alcoholic and hasn't touched a drop for ten years but she had to lose everything to wake up and see alcohol wasn't her friend.
She has built bridges With the children she lost touch with through it but it has been very hard.
As long as he has your support he will cling to that and never hit rock bottom enough to change.
Put yourself and dd first right now.
I hope I don't get abuse for this but you could be entitled to certain benefits to help if you're a lone parent

I'm worried that it won't ever end and it will be a continuous cycle of this.

He's still not awake. I think I just want him to leave now

All he's talked about for the last 5 months is how excited he is for her arrival. He's been involved, present, loving.

And he can be all of that whilst living in a separate home from you and your DC. He doesn't have to be living with you to be an involved parent. Plenty of non-custodial parents are excellent and involved parents who put their children first.

And then, when he's on a bender with his first love and incapable of being an involved parent (and you know that WILL happen!), you will have peace and calm in your own home without his bullshit.

and I daren't even think about the amount of money lost on the wedding

It's only money my love.

I'm genuinely so sorry to hear about the loss of your DS.

I see it like this: I think you're viewing your choice as being between walking away or staying with someone who potentially could be really great.

I think your choice is between walking away or staying with someone who has not been great at all and potentially could be even worse.

I do agree with a PP who said that people can change. It's absolutely true, they can. BUT if he's going to change and really wants to change, he can do that just as easily when he's NOT with you as when he's with you. You can always get back together if and when he's got his shit together.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. TBH though I would be very, very wary of putting myself in a position where I'm in a binding legal contract to be responsible for the debts of someone who has shown himself to be careless and irresponsible. Because that's the main thing that marriage is: a legal contract.

He's just packed a bag, not left yet though.

He uses the spare room as an office, which he uses every day for work. He's just asked if he can use it tomorrow and I've said no - I am at work though so I suppose he could use it whilst I'm out and make sure he's gone when I get back. I don't want to be worried about him still being here when I get home from work though.

I don't think I will be able to think straight if I have to keep seeing him.