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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU? Normal 7 year old behaviour...

78 replies

Mummyontherocks · 26/05/2018 13:58

My 7 yr old dd reacts very strongly to things, she has high anxiety and she still has tantrums. They can be extreme. For example she has just had a meltdown for 1.5 hours (crying, screaming and kicking) because I explained Daddy said no to her eating in our bed because she makes crumbs. She was devastated that I didn't believe that she doesn't make crumbs (she does make crumbs). My dad thinks that she is bang out of order (fair enough) but can't see that she is 7, and hasn't learnt how to deal with her big emotions yet. I'm worried that there's maybe more to it and the tantrums, plus her anxiety may not be normal for her age. My dad thinks I should just stop her tantruming (no idea how) and that I'm letting her older sister down who is always upset by her tantrums. AIBU to 'let' her get away with this behaviour?

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 26/05/2018 18:26

DD1 is like this at 5 years old. Her tantrums at 2/3/4 years were always hours long. Longest was 8 solid hours which was memorable. 40-45 minutes a couple of times a day are the norm now, thankfully.

She has sensory issues and possibly ASD.

Mummyontherocks · 26/05/2018 19:55

8 hours long stargirl, that is horrific. Huge hugs to you all, glad things have got a little better since then!

To answer the other questions she is adamant that she is in the right, even after the tantrum and she is rational again. No she's not doing SATs, she does very much need to be in control of her life, and I give her as much control as I can (whilst still attempting to be a good parent). But she always wants more. I hadn't thought about this tantrum being about control but of course it was as it was something she had been told no to! Definitely loads to think about here, thanks everyone!

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 26/05/2018 20:01

I would also recommend The Explosive Child as a guide. Lots of practical ideas.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 26/05/2018 20:05

if you have the spare funds I would recommend a child phycologist. This sounds very much like what my BF went Through with her son. His school said he would be asked to leave if they didn’t engage with family counselling and he’d already been expelled by that point. It was a game changer- they learnt to parent him differently and he had help controlling his emotions. He had no learning or physical
Disabilities btw.

Hawkmoth · 26/05/2018 20:07

I just wanted to slightly lower your expectations regarding getting an answer from paeds. Any autism spectrum pathway will take you a good while, though might be less as she's already in the system. It's a process of information gathering then it will go to panel. In our area the wait for panel was 13 months, even with everything in place. However in the interim, DD has been seen by SLT which is really helpful.

Audree · 26/05/2018 20:13

Different approaches work for different kids... dd needed cuddles to calm down, otherwise she would become a sobbing mess. For ds, cuddles would upset him more and he would escalate his whining. I would just ask him to go to his room to calm down, and 10 min later I would find him happily playing.
They didn’t have tantrums at 7 yo though.

Carycach100 · 26/05/2018 20:22

Stop cuddling her!
Jeez!

Curious2468 · 26/05/2018 20:24

A lot of what you have put sounds like my daughter at that age. She now has a diagnosis of moderate autism which she got diagnosed at 9. What is the reason behind the genetic tests? I ask because we have EDS (hypermobility/connective tissue disorder) which does seem to be incredibly common amongst children on the autistic spectrum.

Lucked · 26/05/2018 20:31

My 4 year old is just coming out of a phase of uncontrollable meltdowns, now at 4.5 she is regaining some control when she is upset. My 6 year old occasionally gets very upset about trivial things but this is almost always when he is overtired.

youarenotkiddingme · 26/05/2018 20:33

Can I ask what her physical need is?

My ds has asd and could get very anxious and struggled massively with emotions. He's also struggled physically and couldn't describe he was in pain until 8 and no one took it seriously as 'something' until he was 12.
Since starting a medication for his muscles he's much much calmer emotionally and I'm convinced it's because for the first time in his life he's not constantly in pain.

He's also has genetic testing and atm has a working clinical dx of mild cp.

The asd is still there but he can manage it iyswim?

Mummyontherocks · 26/05/2018 21:46

Yes it is a collagen related issue which she probably has, she has also been tested to rule out a chromosomal disorder. She has a very high pain threshold but yes good point about constant pain.

OP posts:
pearpickingporky84 · 26/05/2018 22:06

Carrycatch100 did you read any of the posts from people who have actual experience of this sort of issue before posting?! The OP is obviously having a difficult time and has asked for advise, snide uninformed judgy comments like yours are not helpful!

Curious2468 · 26/05/2018 22:12

In that case couple with other things in your post it could be worth talking to the paed about developmental issues in general. Both of my children are autistic and also have EDS. Amongst the autistic children we know the vast majority are also hypermobile at the least or have diagnosed connective tissue issues. When my son was diagnosed the paed pointed out the link too and said it is getting better recognised that there seems to be a connection between the 2.

The looooong meltdowns over minor things is very like my daughter at that age. If it helps she has settled quite a bit now she’s older

namastayinbed · 26/05/2018 22:12

Your dd sounds just like mine. We saw the GP and she has been referred for an asd assessment. Message me if you like- it's exhausting!

Mummyontherocks · 26/05/2018 22:35

Thanks everyone, looking more and more like it's the right thing to talk to the paedatrician about it. It is exhausting, and quite overwhelming, i'm feeling quite emotional that she might have other additional needs, on top of the physical ones that is, probably a silly reaction though, will wait and see what the paedatrician says.

OP posts:
tigercub50 · 26/05/2018 22:37

Hawkmoth is SLT speech & language therapy? We are getting DD9 assessed for autism & currently waiting for an appointment from SALT. How did you find it helpful?

Hawkmoth · 26/05/2018 23:16

Yes speech and language therapy.

For DS it was good at trying to get him to express emotions (he has a dx of ASD and ADHD), for DD it was similar, but also tackling her acquired accent and being able to express pain. Plus the therapist was so lovely that DD could be herself so she was the first person to see her stimming (she's an expert master so it was a huge relief).

TheClitterati · 26/05/2018 23:55

M 7yo dd s also highly anxious.

I took some advice on here years ago Re treating tantrums like panic attacks - which in an anxious child is pretty much what they are. This can work. There is no point in trying to talk/reason until after it is all over.

It can be distressing for you all and hard work. I recently discovered an "explanation" for dds anxiety. I'm looking round for help and support and knowledge so I can help her move through this.

"Ignore it and she will stop" is pretty useless advice for treating anxiety (and quite cruel too).

Jenny70 · 27/05/2018 01:31

My now 10yr old was still like that at 7 - he is much better now. He has issues with texture, foods, and other sensory things. Haven't had him tested, but probably has slight spectrum traits... but is very bright and functions well etc. so we haven't gone down that route.

For us, one thing that helped immensely was feeding him more, he spent a lot of the time "hangry" because he hadn't eaten enough, has very fast metabolism and can't cope when he's hungry.

We fed him breakfast when he got up, middle breakfast before school, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea as he walked out of school (before he got to tell us about his day), later snack at 5'ish, then tea at 6:30 - sometimes an extra snack before bed. Just fruit and crackers for extra snacks or nuts, maybe biscuit depending on how he'd been eating. He is underweight, below 1%ile, so we can afford to feed him constantly.

The other thing is to talk it through in calm times, explaining that level of reaction isn't appropriate. It is your bed, and you set the rules. Eating in your bed isn't allowed for these reasons, and she can choose to eat in XYZ places, but not in your bed. If she does it, then she will not be allowed into your room, the door will be shut and it will be out of bounds for her.

Trying to see these big issues erupting and diverting attention is also good, but often they were caused by external things that we couldn't avoid. Or fixed things that we weren't prepared to compromise on.

Flobalob · 27/05/2018 02:20

I have a Hypermobile, anxious 8 yo who has 1.5 he long tantrums. He is currently on the pathway to be assessed for ASD.

His 9yo sister is also hypermobile and has ASD. She doesn't tantrum.

youarenotkiddingme · 27/05/2018 05:57

My ds also has a high pain threshold. But it's worth baring in mind if they are born in pain then they don't experience pain like we do as they are used to it. So any pain they feel is usually because things are actually quite bad.

youarenotkiddingme · 27/05/2018 06:00

I'd also consider they are more meltdowns than tantrums.

It'll certainly help get the professionals to listen if you use this description - tantrums are often just treated and assumed as bad behaviour because they can't have what they want.

This doesn't sound like that.

differentnameforthis · 27/05/2018 06:56

Can we please stop with the "that's not normal" because you are all making it sound like the child is abnormal, and she isn't.

90 minute meltdowns ARE normal in children with anxiety and SN. My daughter is Autistic, and has SPD and it IS normal for her meltdowns to last longer than that as she gets stuck and cannot self regulate very well (she's 9)

differentnameforthis · 27/05/2018 07:15

She does have some other issues as well with clothes, food and noise

Social stuff possibly - she doesn't really have a filter
To those asking about school and with other people, she does get upset but doesn't tantrum as such, she seems to save the tantrums for home.

Red flags for asd, particularly in girls. Girls mask and do copy thier peers.

I will speak to the paedatrician about it all at her next appointment and then I'll know one way or another.*

She does sound like she could have a SN, autism would be my guess as she sounds very similar to my dd.

Please be aware that not all paeds are clued up on asd in girls. Our paed didn't pick it up in dd, and he is the states best paed with a specialty in asd!!!

Please google Tony Attwood for girls & asd. He is very good.

OP very unlikely for SN as it came out of the blue. Doesn't make sense I disagree. We had no idea that dd could be asd until late 2016 after a particularly stressful year at school. Lots of girls suddenly "appear" to have issues where they had none before, because they mask, and hold it together for so long.

If we look closely enough back for dd, there were always signs.

TheClitterati · 27/05/2018 07:35

Have a google around emotional regulation techniques op:

childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/