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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel wracked with guilt for letting my DD down

78 replies

PinotMwah · 26/05/2018 13:51

I posted on here a week or so ago about my DD (7) who has a horrific chronic cough which goes on for weeks and weeks. It's an ongoing saga - initially thought to be asthma but now not suspected. No cause has yet been identified despite an ongoing investigation and nothing works for it. When it happens its utterly debilitating -- neither of us sleep for days or weeks on end and we can't do anything. I'm a LP and no family around who can help so its all down to me.

We're now into the third week of this and last night again, after thinking we were over the worst, I had a night of almost no sleep due to the coughing. I am nearly deranged with sleep deprivation. At about 2.30am I kicked my bathroom door several times in rage and frustration. My neighbour (who is a bit of a nosy parker but may have just been being nice) has messaged me to ask if I'm OK.

I feel utterly appalled with myself. I asked DD today for her forgiveness -- I'm not sure if she heard me kick the door but for not going to be with her. She said she forgave me but that I had let her down a bit. But I feel that I am not fit to be her mother and almost wonder if I need to call social services on my own behalf.

I know I need to sort myself out and calm down. But how bad is this? Do I need to see a psychiatrist or is this something which will pass when things get back to normal?

OP posts:

monkeysox · 27/05/2018 06:33

How did they allergy test? If it was skim prick ld largely ignore.
Blood test for allergies.
Do you use any air fresheners in the house?
Loads of teddy's?
Get her to shower before bed.
Strip down her room as suggested earlier.
It might make no difference but I could help and get you some sleep.

NeverTwerkNaked · 27/05/2018 06:47

Sleep deprivation is beyond awful. There’s a reason they use it as a form of torture. Could anyone else look after her for a couple of nights so you can sleep? You need to take steps to get yourself a rest, even if they seem hard. I ended up very seriously ill from sleep deprivation so I am pleading with you to get yourself a break so you don’t end up in the mess I was in

Ebony69 · 27/05/2018 06:49

“Christ, you kicked the bathroom door because of your ill child?

Can you imagine if a man posted this?”

I do think that’s a valid point.

However, the OP has clearly been pushed to the limit and deserves every sympathy It’s called being human.

It’s just that often on MN, men are not allowed to express such frustration/despair, even in isolation, without being labelled an abuser.

OP, I do hope you and your child get a solution soon.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/05/2018 06:54

You were given loads of advice on the other thread. What did you try?

I suggested a nebuliser. Now lucky has too. You buy pure saline for contact lenses and nebulise 10-15 mins 3/day. The nhs uses it for COPD amongst other things.

mummy2oneandtwo · 27/05/2018 06:57

Has she been on a long cause of anti biotics?

My little boy had a persistent, wet cough, worse at night, and finally a doctor suspected bacterial bronchitis and put him on 4 weeks antibiotics and it's cleared it up. Just a suggestion if you've not tried this already xx

frumpety · 27/05/2018 07:05

The only thing that helped DS when he went through this as a child , was antihistamine on a night , pillows under the mattress to elevate the head of the bed and a large bowl of water in the room, switched off radiators in the room as well, although yours probably are not on at this time of the year.

Sleep deprivation is horrendous, especially when you cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel, I have been guilty of some furniture abuse in the middle of the night caused by sleep deprivation, I came off worse

Abitlost2015 · 27/05/2018 07:09

The bronchoscopy will give information as to why the cough is there, she doesn’t need to recover from the cough to have it.

Booboostwo · 27/05/2018 10:42

That sounds really tough OP.

Apologies if I am suggesting something you have tried but DS is similar, endless coughs after colds with no known allergies and does not respond to ventolin, but he does do well on Desloratadine antihistamine.

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/05/2018 10:49

Do you have mould, OP?
I have mould in different areas of my flat and it triggers respiratory illnesses in my nephew (he doesn't have asthma). He gets fast resp rate and coughing fits.
Not sure what to suggest.

Baubletrouble43 · 27/05/2018 10:57

op I totally sympathise. My dd1 who was a fab sleeper developed a cough aged about 2 that JUST WOULDN'T GO AWAY. She slept through her cough mostly but I didn't. It was sheer hell. Is it just a night cough? My dds was and we stripped the carpets up from her room, removed the curtains and installed a blind and thoroughly hooevered and dusted daily and the change was fantastic. I believe hers was an intolerance of dust somehow. Just wondered if that might help you and your dd.

Allthewaves · 27/05/2018 11:23

Would u consider talking to gp about getting yourself signed off sick for a couple of weeks - u sound burnt out

Marmitesoldiers · 27/05/2018 11:25

Do u have anyone at all who could look after your daughter for a few hours, maybe taking her to the park, at the weekend so you can get some sleep. Even if you had to pay a babysitting agency. Until you crack that you will not be able to think clearly about anything.

Another thought. Has your daughter been tested for vitamin deficiency? It can be at the root of recurrent infections - eg vitamin D?

Finally, would you consider acupuncture? It may well help if only for the placebo effect?

Marmitesoldiers · 27/05/2018 11:26

Oops another finally. Please do not beat yourself up, you need to be your own best friend atm!

rosesandflowers · 27/05/2018 14:25

I imagine that you're extremely anxious and upset for your poor DD. Combined with sleep deprivation, I wouldn't worry about door kicking. You haven't hurt your DD and didn't do it in a threatening manner. I'd stop being so hard on yourself and go have a long nap, and then some time this week spend a nice day with her. Shopping or out for a coffee, if she's not up to it maybe makeovers or a movie night or just a nice lazy in day! You're doing absolutely fine.

I wish your DD a swift recovery

kitkatsky · 27/05/2018 15:43

You're sleep deprived! But you have a daughter that even when she's unwell can simultaneously forgive you and call you out. That alone marks you out as a blooming excellent parent!

aintnothinbutagstring · 27/05/2018 17:57

Has she been investigated for brochiectasis? My dn has it but has had it from birth though was only diagnosed at about 3/4 yrs old.

ihearttc · 27/05/2018 19:04

Bit random but try and get some Sudafed liquid (We got ours on prescription but Im sure you can get it OTC).

DS2 has a very similar cough (but not as long lasting) which comes at the end of every virus/cold. His is caused by post nasal drip and once he has Sudafed it dries up and he stops coughing.

FluffySlipperSocks · 27/05/2018 20:20

Could it be a postnasal drip?
Also try Vicks on her feet?

Original poster

PinotMwah · 28/05/2018 08:59

littledragon I tried a humidifier, that hasn't worked. My GP has asked me not to nebulise but going in to see her tomorrow and might push that one again.

marmitesoldiers no not really. Her dad has buggered off to the other side of the world, is there for the next two and a half weeks. I have local friends but can't really ask them to look after an ill child.

gstring consultant suspects its not bronchiectasis but this is something which we have to wait for the bronchoscopy to rule in or out.

Thanks all, I really appreciate the support.

OP posts:

UgliCat · 28/05/2018 09:45

Sounds very similar to my dd.
She has cough variant asthma - so no wheezing, just lots of coughing especially after an illness. She coughed so much that she was constantly aggravating her throat.

Two things together have improved it.
One, I've massively reduced all dairy. This may or may not apply to you. But now it's only when she gets a virus instead of weekly gp trips we were doing.

Second is, when it's really bad, a dose of panadol before bed. Not nurofen, that's not good for asthma.
It seems to just take enough of the edge of the tickle that she can sleep through it. and so can I and then it heals faster too.

This ONLY applies for the 'after' cough. Not when she's actually sick.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/05/2018 18:32

Don’t feel guilty. You’re doing your best with the resources you have available. I hope something in this thread will help and hopefully the gp will get to the bottom of it.

VerbenaBoriensis · 28/05/2018 18:57

Hi Pinot you must be exhausted! Don't beat yrself up anyone would react in that situ-u just vented. Realise u have said not asthma but it's worth ringing Asthma UK just to eliminate (GPs not always right plus asthma nurses in nhs seem to give different advice even at the same practice! -from personal experience) Asthma uk are brilliant really patient and explain anything yr not sure of etc without being patronising. Having said that asthma seems to be an overall answer at times when they're not sure. It's also very individual in it's treatment so can be quite tricky as not one size fits all. Hope u get a solution soon. You're doing great. For you- plus

VerbenaBoriensis · 28/05/2018 19:00

Meant to say lots of GPs don't rate allergy testing and I don't know of any that will arrange for it to be done. Hayfever is rife at the moment cos of the hot weather even people who don't usu get it seem to be suffering.

5amisnotmorning · 28/05/2018 19:05

Our son had this. Turned out to be a dairy allergy. A couple of weeks ago he started coughing at night and we checked all the food and discovered a recipe change. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. Go easy on yourself.

MigGril · 29/05/2018 06:10

Sorry OP to ask again but you still haven't said how they have ruled out asthma?

As you can see on hear many children do have asthma with just a cough and can be not very responsive to ventolin either. As others have said a blood allergy test is more accurate so has this been done?

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