To feel wracked with guilt for letting my DD down

[PinotMwah]

I posted on here a week or so ago about my DD (7) who has a horrific chronic cough which goes on for weeks and weeks. It's an ongoing saga - initially thought to be asthma but now not suspected. No cause has yet been identified despite an ongoing investigation and nothing works for it. When it happens its utterly debilitating -- neither of us sleep for days or weeks on end and we can't do anything. I'm a LP and no family around who can help so its all down to me.

We're now into the third week of this and last night again, after thinking we were over the worst, I had a night of almost no sleep due to the coughing. I am nearly deranged with sleep deprivation. At about 2.30am I kicked my bathroom door several times in rage and frustration. My neighbour (who is a bit of a nosy parker but may have just been being nice) has messaged me to ask if I'm OK.

I feel utterly appalled with myself. I asked DD today for her forgiveness -- I'm not sure if she heard me kick the door but for not going to be with her. She said she forgave me but that I had let her down a bit. But I feel that I am not fit to be her mother and almost wonder if I need to call social services on my own behalf.

I know I need to sort myself out and calm down. But how bad is this? Do I need to see a psychiatrist or is this something which will pass when things get back to normal?

That sounds like my son. The lingering cough after every infection. It used to be worse and he’s now grown out of it. He’s six and this is the very first year without using constant inhalers and Piriton after every infection had passed.

Have you had her tested for an allergy to dust mites? Our lives have been turned upside by this recently - too soon to know if it's helped. However we're amazed to think we were trying all these steroids etc and the culprit has been the carpet, the pillow, the cuddly toys etc.

I don't think you're reacting badly to this at all. Don't forget the Samaritans are there though - you wouldn't be feeling so bad in the morning.

oddquestion she's tested negative for all known common allergy triggers.

What sort of 7 year old says "you let me down"... Did you put that idea in her head? You stayed up with her and took a break for a few minutes to let our your frustration. That's the right thing to do.

If you'd stayed in the room and took your frustration out on her, then you'd have a problem but you didn't. You left the room, got the anger out, then looked after her. You did not need to apologise.

re the cough - could it be to do with reflux? i had a reflux cough, it drove me to distraction. i eventually had an operation for it (nissen fundoplication) which sorted it but for years before that the only thing that worked day to day was omeprazole and ranitidine taken together at night (high doses)

has she ever suffered with reflux? it can be "silent" with no other symptoms as it was in my case - it had long since gone past being GERD to LPR (laryngeopharyngeal reflux ) (ive probably spelt that wrong as havent googled!)

Sorry to suggest this but could there be a psychological aspect to it? Not consciously of course but maybe she has got in the habit of it.
Just a thought. I don't mean to offend you, just trying to think of everything and anything.

I found this but haven't had time to read. www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/habit-cough

I remember your last thread. I’ve no medical advice or suggestions, but just wanted to say I think you’re doing amazingly well, and you sound like a brilliant Mum. FWIW, I think kicking the door a few times due to frustration and anger is no big deal, sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason(!). I hope you find a reason for your daughters cough and that she gets better soon, and you both get some much needed 💤

I have an asthmatic daughter who does not respond at all the ventolin but she does do well on Fostair, she uses a fostair regime (uses it as a preventer and reliever), she is also a cough variant asthmatic who doesn't often wheeze but does have patches of her lungs that close up completely so she can have silent asthma attacks.

I suspect your neighbour was being kind rather than critical she must understand what it's like
Speaking as an asthmatic who coughed a lot as a child pre diagnosis and have had a few long term coughs in adulthood. I would say don't try everything at once as you want to eventually find out what is working

Humidifier -Really helps a cough
Antihistamine for post nasal drip I have this cough quite badly at the moment it's a pain and can go on for ages
Theophyline/Uniphylin is a good drug for children who cough
Codeine is the best cough suppresant and I was prescribed this for a while as a child, very effective but not a long term solution (some GPs would consider it a very last resort) and it does cause constipation but if you need a few nights sleep it may be the way to go
A really strong antacid, as PP mentioned acid reflux causes a cough
Ventolin try a larger dose than 2 puffs if it takes the edge off but doesn't completely help. Speak to your GP about maybe trying 4-6 puffs.

If you have only seen 1 GP about this it may be worth speaking to a different one for some other ideas.

I too was wondering if it's a 'habit cough'. That's an interesting article link from Pinkkahori

I'm also intrigued by your daughter saying you'd 'let her down'. Was it that she was crying out for you and you went to the bathroom door instead? Or that there is an expectation that you'll come running whenever she coughs?

FWIW, I don't think you've let anyone down. This must be very frustrating and worrying for you both.

pinkkahori ryder I have wondered several times if there's a psychosomatic dimension to it. And I'm sure that the longer it goes on the more it becomes like a tic, something her body is used to doing.

Her dad and I are separated, getting divorced and I have wondered if that could be a factor. Divorce is reasonably amicable as divorces go but dad has had some fairly bad mental health problems and of course its not easy on a kid in the best of situations. I'm generally a total stress puppy at the moment anyway because my job is mega stressful and very long hours as well.

These could all be contributing factors.

heyno I had asked a leading question as to whether she thought I had let her down. I was ostensibly referring to the fact that I hadn't come to sleep with her while she was coughing but also subconsciously to my outburst in the night. I'm not sure whether she heard it or not.

I have really tried not to let her pick up on the fact that her coughing stresses the fuck out of me and makes me want to punch things but inevitably she must realise its very difficult for me.

incywincy I think neighbour was being a nosy parker. She has form for this -- is a complete control freak and is constantly upbraiding me about the upkeep of my garden/my wheelie bins, sent me a rude text one night about using my hairdryer (at 10pm). It's possible she was also being kind but I don't feel inclined to trust her on this.

reflux has been ruled out so its not that.

Theophyline sounds interesting -- is that only available on prescription?

I have seen probably 100 GPs over the years about this, and three consultants at a specialist respiratory department, not to mention dozens of junior A&E doctors. To be honest there's rarely a consistent story on this and quite often I find I know more about the condition than they do.

The consultant she was seeing has a world class reputation but was also a total dick (not uncommon, from what I gather) and is now moving on. So she will be referred to someone else in the department who will no doubt have a completely different thesis.

I take it you are seeing a paediatric respiratory consultant OP?

Could it perhaps be a post nasal drip irritating her throat at night ?
Also a strange one but some patients swear by it never tried it myself , vicks rubbed on the soles of feet and socks , probably rubbish but meant to strangely help a nighttime cough .

Meaning the socks over the vicks feet

Omg you poor love!! Sleep deprivation is SO hideous and sometimes the anger just boils over - as parents, we have ALL had these moments! If it makes you feel better, my daughter used to get it in her head that she couldn't sleep - at the age of 8 we spent hours every night until about 2am with her crying and repeating the words 'I can't sleep'. I distinctly remember 2 times I lost it with her - once I shouted in her face to shut up (really aggressively and I still feel guilty as I am NOT an aggressive person), and the other time I kicked the door of my bedside cabinet in. Literally saw red after MONTHS of the same routine.
If it makes you feel better, she actually laughs about it now, and thank god she sleeps these days!!!

It is fairly common for coughs for physical reasons, to turn into a tic that is still there when the physical reason has gone. So she might have had a cough from a virus, but it is now a sort of habit. Does she cough less if engrossed in doing something else?

oddquestion yes she's being seen by a paed respiratory consultant.

crunchymint yes I think there is an element of that. She can cough less when distracted but sometimes it doesn't make a difference. It's totally unpredictable. Sometimes it will almost disappear for days on end and then come back out of nowhere.

I asked DD today for her forgiveness -- I'm not sure if she heard me kick the door but for not going to be with her. She said she forgave me but that I had let her down a bit.

My five year old put me on his naughty list for making him put his own trousers in the washing basket. He actually asked me for a pencil and wrote it down. Apparently my name will be on it forever. And I need to say sorry.

As they seem to have ruled out everything else how have they ruled out asthma. Like another OP my D'S has asthma system coughing it takes a lot of ventolin to help him. I give him a minimum of 4 puffs if he needs it but he's on a preventative seritied, also stronger then just a plain steroid inhaler. He's only ever had a wease once.

I've done worse, and screamed, cried and shouted in the night in desperation, exhaustion and stress when DD1 was going through a bad phase of not sleeping.

I hope you get it sorted and both get some sleep soon, but really don't worry about kicking the door.

My dd had a cough lasting 6+ months. The lack of sleep for all of us was horrendous.

After getting nowhere medically took her to a homeopath who said grief and lungs are related and prescribed a remedy. She was better not long after whether it be a coincidence or not I don't know.

My df has only died a few days when the cough developed with a temperature etc.