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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve left it too late

72 replies

Boohoo222 · 26/05/2018 09:52

To think I have left it too late to find a man and get married/have kids? Should I get a cat now?

I’m 39 and all the longer term single mid to late thirties women I know have found someone or got engaged in the last 12 months. All but me and now I think I’ve missed my time. I look a bit tired and past it tbh

I don’t have a great social life or many friends and those I do have are all married with kids anyway. I feel like a spare part in all areas of my life and a disappointment to my parents and wider family.

Aibu to think this is it? Sorry, I know I sound a bit pathetic. Wedding of a family friend today - she’s older but a real beaut and has got it sorted. I’m still wandering aimlessly.....

OP posts:
Panda81 · 26/05/2018 10:10

It's never too late to find a man.

Would you consider having a child on your own? Lots of women do this (myself included) and there is a great support network out there for those that do.

laurG · 26/05/2018 10:15

You never know what’s round the corner. Sometimes life can change at the drop of a hat.

Be honest, what do YOU want? Not everyone really wants to get married and have kids. Are you happy as you are? Does thought of ‘ getting a cat’ as you say freak you out or are you ok with it? Who cares what anyone else thinks.

If you do still want to meet someone then you should pursue it. It will be harder and you might have to accept that you may have to comprimise accept someone with kids, younger or other baggage. But if you are open there is every chance it could still be you.

You do not sound pathetic btw. Maybe you need to take some time to figure out what it is that you want and do something that makes you feel good. Go on a trip. Treat yourself. There are actually so many advantages to being single. You can do whatever you want.

From the other side, being married and having babies isn’t absolutely amazing either. It can be hard work and societal expectation doesn’t stop when you put a ring on it! First it’s the wedding, then it’s people scrutinising your every move to see if your pregnant, then there’s expectations around the baby, then the expectation of a second baby, the expectations of grand parents, expectations of your kids .. it NEVER ENDS. So I say enjoy your Singledom in whatever way makes you happy. That may be a one woman mission to Kilimanjaro or just settling in for the night with a glass of wine and a box set.

RainySeptember · 26/05/2018 10:27

I'm older than you so I hope not op.

I think it's fine to have the occasional wallow but tend to think that everyone needs to look to the future with hope and optimism, because the alternative is just too miserable.

You are barely half way through your life, why write off the entire second half?

You will also get lots of people saying to take time to enjoy things by yourself, think about what you really want and to understand that family life is not a bed of roses. If you're anything like me you'll find this a bit annoying - because you enjoy plenty of things by yourself and have done so for years, already know exactly what you want and are happy to take your chances on family life.

Wallow, then get back up and keep on keeping on - plenty of success stories around to keep you going.

SerenDippitty · 26/05/2018 10:28

It’s not too late to meet someone but you need to be proactive. If you don’t like the way you look do something about it. Get a new hairstyle (ask someone whose hair you like where they get it done). A good cut and co,our can take years off you. Be good to yourself, find things you enjoy doing that make you happy, pursue interests, take classes. When you are happy you are more open.

Rocinante1 · 26/05/2018 10:29

It's not too late for you to find someone to spend your life with. But it may be too late to have children; you could adopt though so you can still be a parent.

I know that's not nice to hear, but there's no point in pretending that age doesn't matter when it comes to biology.

userabcname · 26/05/2018 10:30

A dear relative of mine is in her 50s, met a man last year through OLD and they just got engaged! So you have time.
But still get a cat. Cats are awesome!

AllMYSmellySocks · 26/05/2018 10:31

I don't think it's ever too late but however old I was I wouldn't want to make finding a husband my life's ambition. Why would you be a disappoint your family if you never married?

MaryShelley1818 · 26/05/2018 10:32

I got together with DP aged 38, had our DS at 39, and now I’m 40 and planning a wedding and going to start ttc a sibling.
Definitely a whirlwind 20mths so far!! Not too late 😊

GreenTulips · 26/05/2018 10:33

Don't wallow! That man could be at the party! Go look!

sexnotgender · 26/05/2018 10:34

You're only 3 years older than me and I recently married a wonderful man I met online and I'm now 6 weeks pregnant.

I do have 2 cats though so you can borrow one if it doesn't work out for you.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 26/05/2018 10:35

It’s not too late but you have to be proactive about it. If you don’t like the way you look at the momen do something to change it. Get your eyebrows professionally shaped, get a hair cut whatever makes you feel better. Go on singles nights out and try online dating. Get new hobbies.

dailymailsucksbigtime · 26/05/2018 10:36

There are OLD sites for people who want to get married. We have friends (she was- he is now) who did this 5 years ago- married 3 and as happy as anything.

DrinkYourGreenTea · 26/05/2018 10:42

You need to decide what you want. If you want to find a partner and have children, it’s definitely not too late. Try OLD, a lot of people find their partner this way.

Bag4lyfe · 26/05/2018 10:42

A lovely friend of mine met her husband when she was around 42 I think (via OLD). (She didn’t want children.) They’re really happy together.

I was 35 when I met DH via OLD.

Most of my friends are single with no kids or married with no kids (I have 2 children) and I don’t see them as pathetic or ‘wandering’ at all! They’re all fully developed individuals living fulfilling lives - and I can assure you that even married-with-kids-and-good-career types have plenty of ‘WTF am I doing’ moments, at least I sure do!

PoorYorick · 26/05/2018 10:45

OP, I absolutely love my child to the ends of the earth but having him did make me realise how many other things you can do when you don't have kids. There are lots of ways to live and lots of paths to tread.

And it is definitely never too late to fall in love.

thecatneuterer · 26/05/2018 10:48

You are young! But I really came on to say get a cat anyway - they're fab and much better than children

TheABC · 26/05/2018 10:53

Definitely get a cat! . And hang out with us on the Cat Adoration threads. I am feeling a bit jaded this morning about the marriage and babies package after my toddler kept me up all bloody night, but if that's what you want, you still have time to have it.

So get out there, be fabulous and find someone who is on the same wavelength as yourself. You will have a good time, whatever happens. Just make the most of the lie-ins. Just saying.

turtletime · 26/05/2018 10:55

No no not at all! But I think you do have to actively pursue what you want, can't expect things just to fall into place. Get online and ask friends to set you up with any eligible guys they know. Yeah you'll have the odd awkward date but things will happen just by putting yourself out there (this is exactly how my aunt met her beyond fit husband). Also, I would spend a weekend dedicated to spoiling/pampering yourself with plenty of rest, you'll realise you're far from past it. 39 is young!

LanaorAna2 · 26/05/2018 11:01

I bust a gut to get out, meet people, and look great - I met no one. But my beautiful cat changed my life.

DaphneduM · 26/05/2018 11:19

Met my DH at 42 - he's the love of my life. It just happened to be the right time for us and we were both open to a relationship, met at Christmas, engaged by February and married in September. Still happily together after 22 years. It's never too late and you never know what's waiting for you OP. Just get out there - you will find it will happen when you are not looking and least expect it!!!

GruffaIo · 26/05/2018 11:19

If you want an easier way to meet people, get a dog rather than a cat?

ToadOfSadness · 26/05/2018 11:20

Don't worry about it, enjoy being single. I wish I still was.

Moominfan · 26/05/2018 11:21

I'd get a cat anyway. Mines my favourite family member by far

chocatoo · 26/05/2018 11:24

Have you considered having a child anyway? You don’t have to have a partner. Depends how much you want kids I guess.
Have you tried online dating? Don’t give up!

ChickenVindaloo2 · 26/05/2018 11:25

Don't make the mistake of assuming you want what everyone else wants.

Being single and childfree is the best-kept secret out there!

I was engaged and it didn't work out and now I feel like I dodged a bullet! (I'm 35 this year no kids, have a cat)

The grass is always greener etc.

And don't just settle for any bloke by the way, not that you would!