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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’ve left it too late

72 replies

Boohoo222 · 26/05/2018 09:52

To think I have left it too late to find a man and get married/have kids? Should I get a cat now?

I’m 39 and all the longer term single mid to late thirties women I know have found someone or got engaged in the last 12 months. All but me and now I think I’ve missed my time. I look a bit tired and past it tbh

I don’t have a great social life or many friends and those I do have are all married with kids anyway. I feel like a spare part in all areas of my life and a disappointment to my parents and wider family.

Aibu to think this is it? Sorry, I know I sound a bit pathetic. Wedding of a family friend today - she’s older but a real beaut and has got it sorted. I’m still wandering aimlessly.....

OP posts:

JessieMcJessie · 26/05/2018 11:37

There’s no age limit for finding a partner. My Mum did it in her fifties after she was widowed. A colleague has just got married in her early sixties to someone she only met three years ago. Two of my friends just got married aged 41 to men with late teenage kids (one divorced, one widowed)- neither they nor their partners want children and both are really enjoying spending time with their partner’s children.

I met my husband when I was 37 but we didn’t start ttc till I was 41. We had to have IVF but it wasn’t such a big deal and our perfect DS was born when I had just turned 43. That was using my own eggs- you’ve got even more breathing space if you opt for donor eggs. I wouldn’t recommend prevaricating over ttc as long as we did but at 39 you could still potentially have one or even two if you got on with it fairly quickly. I know a fair few couples who met later and ended up having to skip long engagement and big weddings as the priority was to get on with having a baby pretty quickly but they’re all happy as it was a joint decision. Are you just 39, or nearly 40?

As to how you do it, I was utterly lost and in a rut and had had terrible OLD experiences, then had to move abroad for work and met my husband (a fellow expat) when I wasn’t actually looking very purposefully because the rest of my life was busy. Sometimes it’s worth really shaking up your whole life and seeing where the pieces land.

JessieMcJessie · 26/05/2018 11:43

Without meaning to pour cold water on the comments of those who say “being single is fab” I do think it’s important to say that it’s not shameful to admit that having a partner would make you happier and try to make that happen. I am much happier now than i was in my single thirties. One of my two late-married friends I mentioned above was the archetypal Happy Single but even she has found whole new levels of contentment in marriage. The important thing is not to settle for someone who doesn’t fit just because you want a partner as, of course, a bad relationship is worse than no relationship.

BoudicasBoudoir · 26/05/2018 11:43

Well, I know we're all different, and that I'm very lucky, but it wasn't too late for me. I met my lovely DH at 40. And now we have DD.

However, looking back, I have caused myself a lot of stress by my entrenched belief that it was Too Late for me. I was initially reluctant to get serious with now-DH as I knew that he wanted a family and I knew clearly that that might be difficult or impossible, given the statistics for older women. Plus, he's a couple of years younger than me and I was convinced that he 'should' be with someone younger. I'd kind of already written myself off as a lost cause, if you see what I mean. I nearly walked away so many times... and it was all in my head.

So, from my experience, my top tip is: don't underestimate the benefits of keeping an open mind to what life brings. And another cliche that's true: never write yourself off.

GreyGardens88 · 26/05/2018 11:46

coparenting options?

JessieMcJessie · 26/05/2018 11:47

How about this- at the wedding today you’ll probably meet a few new people. The chances of there being a single and available man there who is also perfect for you are pretty small, but you could use it as a chance to widen your social circle. So when you are seated next to a friendly couple at the meal, exchange numbers and see if you can get involved in something social with them. They might know someone, who knows someone...Charm everyone that you meet and, if you feel brave enough, tell people that you would love to meet a partner- who knows who might have a brother or cousin or old uni mate who’d be just right for you?

JessieMcJessie · 26/05/2018 11:51

Boudicas my DH is younger than me too! I looked him square in the eye and said “are you 100% sure you know what you are letting yourself in for and don’t think a younger woman would be a better option?”. Fortunately he is massively laid back and just laughed it off. Even in the IVF clinic he never wavered, bless him, and now he tells me that he is glad I’m too old to have a second baby as he’s too lazy to have more than one anyway. I struck gold, I really did.

thecatneuterer · 26/05/2018 11:52

Being single and childfree is the best-kept secret out there!

Well that's certainly the truth. Single, childfree and with a couple of cats - better still.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/05/2018 11:52

Please, please, spread the word, everyone, that being single is much better than a shit relationship. Being single is so good that you would need to meet a really exceptional individual to give up singlehood.

There is so much pressure and propaganda aimed at women to the effect that their lives would be incomplete without A Man. It's a lie, the purpose of which is to secure women's domestic and emotional and reproductive labour for men's benefit.

Yeah yeah blah blah there are happy couples; of course there are. But there are many, many women who fell for this bullshit and are now lumbered with lazy cocklodgers, bores, selfish bullies and worse.

What you need, OP, are new friends who are more interesting than the sort of unimaginative numpties who actually think that women still need a male owner to be happy.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2018 11:53

I'd get a cat anyway. And have a child on my own.

formerbabe · 26/05/2018 11:53

You have time but not time to waste. If I was single at 39 and wanting to settle down, I'd be organising a date for every night of the week rather than bothering to bulk buy cat food

expatinscotland · 26/05/2018 11:59

It's all well and good, the anecdotes about meeting Mr Right at 40+ and having several kids, but on Planet Reality at 39 time's not on your side for conceiving so I'd decide what you want most. For me it would be a child so I'd do it on my own.

formerbabe · 26/05/2018 12:04

I think settling down and having kids isn't all its cracked up to be. Take a look at these boards to see!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 26/05/2018 12:10

The wedding of a good friend could be the ideal time to meet someone new! Failing that make sure you ask your friends if they have suitable friends/ colleagues who might be interested in going on a date. I’m sure you can find a gentle way of asking this.

I sometimes think people rely on OLD being a silver bullet for meeting the right person. It seems to me the old way of dating friends of friends is more reliable in many ways,

Alwayslumpyporridge · 26/05/2018 12:11

My friend met her DH at 42, now married and one of the happiest couples I now.

lostinsunshine · 26/05/2018 12:12

No.

Baubletrouble43 · 26/05/2018 12:12

I was single on my 40th birthday, six months later I met my dp and 18 months later we had twins. We are now a happy family of four. Never give up. On the other hand, my best friend is 40 and single and not that bothered about finding a man or having kids. She is highly qualified and respected and successful in her career, is about to buy a gorgeous house, has loads of interesting hobbies, travels extensively and always looks fabulous(whereas I'm fat and tired!). It's what you make of it x

JessieMcJessie · 26/05/2018 12:18

ReanimatedSGB my husband isn’t my owner, nor would he dream of behaving as such. He is my best friend, preferred companion in the things I like to do and my comfort in difficult times - when my brother nearly died in an accident last month he was by my side when I rushed to ICU and through the long days and nights that followed, and promised to support me through whatever happened. I’m sorry but had I faced that experience as a single woman my female friends would not have been able to offer that level of support, lovely as they are.

Each to their own as far as relationships go, but I feel there is sometimes too much pressure - disguised as feminism- put on single women to love being single. We’re all different.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 26/05/2018 12:21

First off, do you WANT kids and/or a partner? That's what's most important.

If you want children, you don't have to have a partner, as long as you can manage more or less on your own. I was perfectly willing to go it alone, but met my partner in a whirl and didn't have to.

Do you have a hobby? Most of the happy people I know met their partners through a shared hobby - the more intense the better, actually! Some people just get so wrapped up in the hobby they don't get around to finding the right one until they fall in front of them. Also, the social groups are small and it's easier to vet people than, for instance, OLD. (Partner and I met through historical reenactment, for instance - and some of those groups are very male-rich!)(and reenactment is a great family activity). If you have something you're even vaguely interested in doing, go find the hobby groups that match that and explore people.

BTW, I conceived when I was just shy of my 45th birthday. Whilst I would NEVER recommend somebody waits that long, I am saying it so you can maybe relax a bit.

JessieMcJessie · 26/05/2018 12:22

And I also think it’s a bit insulting to women to suggest that they will settle for bullies and cocklodgers etc because of societal pressure. They may have poor judgment or bad luck when a seemingly good bloke turns out to be a twat but I don’t think that many end up in that situation against their better judgment because of what society expected. At least not in Western culture.

Hermie12 · 26/05/2018 13:03

I met my fiance OLD when I was 38, l’d accepted I probably wouldnt meet someone or have kids! We had our daughter when I was 40 and are getting married next year. You just never know what is round the corner

sexnotgender · 26/05/2018 13:18

I totally agree that being single is a million times better than being in the wrong relationship.
I approached OLD with very clear thoughts that whoever I met had to make my life better. I was totally content on my own and I wasn’t just looking for any man to tick a box in my life. They needed to bring something to the table- I’m not talking money as I’m more than sufficient in my career.

I met an amazing man and my life is far richer for having him in it.

Don’t settle, you’ll find the right one be it two legged or four.

OliviaStabler · 26/05/2018 13:20

Don't get a cat. Sounds like you want a consolation prize and a cat deserves far more than being a token as your life has not worked out how you wanted it.

GreenTulips · 26/05/2018 13:23

The cat is a reference -

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 26/05/2018 13:28

Possibly but maybe not. Who knows? I was 38 when I met DH and 39 when I had DS. Never say never.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 26/05/2018 13:30

I was divorced with 2 DC at 39 and I met loads of men!

Look your best, pursue goals that make you feel happy, and try online dating.

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