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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’ve left it too late

72 replies

Boohoo222 · 26/05/2018 09:52

To think I have left it too late to find a man and get married/have kids? Should I get a cat now?

I’m 39 and all the longer term single mid to late thirties women I know have found someone or got engaged in the last 12 months. All but me and now I think I’ve missed my time. I look a bit tired and past it tbh

I don’t have a great social life or many friends and those I do have are all married with kids anyway. I feel like a spare part in all areas of my life and a disappointment to my parents and wider family.

Aibu to think this is it? Sorry, I know I sound a bit pathetic. Wedding of a family friend today - she’s older but a real beaut and has got it sorted. I’m still wandering aimlessly.....

OP posts:

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/05/2018 13:43

I agree with the PP who suggested thinking about what you really want. The fact that your similar age friends (and an older one) are marrying and starting families shows that it absolutely is possible, but it is worth thinking what compromises you are willing to make.

Are you willing to throw yourself into online dating, freshen up your look, go out every night, find a willing man who doesn't set your world on fire but he'll do (a common approach at this age), pretend to think he's the best thing ever, or have a child on your own etc etc. You have lots of options, which may of may not work, and may or may not be the options you wanted, but at least you can be intentional about it.

Or you could get a cat - I often wish I had considered that option more positively. A lot of my single friends went through a wobble around 39, but as we edge into our 40s I can't help noticing they have pretty sweet lives...

Wahwahwah678 · 26/05/2018 13:45

Thank you so much for your messages - they have made me cry!

Unfortunately I am not at the wedding today

Reading MN threads is partly why I worry - so many people in bad relationships or with decent guys who they no longer like but trapped. It scares the crap out of me. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is actually happy and most people are putting on a front...?

But I want it, a happy relationship, a family. It just all seems out of reach.

fobiddenfruitcrumble · 26/05/2018 13:47

I really, really understand how you feel. I split up with my boyfriend at 39 - he was the last of three longish relationships in my thirties that promised the world and ended in nothing. I really wanted a family and it seemed like it was never going to happen.

I met DH about 6 months later, told him (on the first date) that I was desperate for a baby and not to fuck me around and he was fine with that. I had DS at 42.

Other friends have not had children due to the absence of decent men, or the proliferation of shit ones. Some have grieved a bit for what they won't have, but all found fulfilment in time.

Weddings are the worst when you feel like this.

Dragongirl10 · 26/05/2018 13:48

Op if your future looks bleak without a child then have you not thought of having one on your own, circumstances allowing?

You cannot control meeting your dream partner, but your fertility has a limit so think about whether this is an option for you.....

Wahwahwah678 · 26/05/2018 13:51

I was in a relationship with a kind and caring man.... but I felt he was more of a friend than a passionate life partner. I left him. Maybe I made a mistake at my age

Some people say don’t settle as it can’t last, others say kindness and companionship is the way to go as passion fizzles out anyway

eightfacesofthemoon · 26/05/2018 14:02

In exactly the same position as you op.
Feel utterly lost about it all.
I would suggest getting your fertility checked out.
I think I am “unique” ie not that many people seem to like me, about 2 st overweight.
Still in love with my ex, so find it impossible to like anyone else.
I just don’t know what to do

montenotte · 26/05/2018 14:08

I look a bit tired and past it tbh
I don’t have a great social life or many friends
I feel like a spare part in all areas of my life

work on these issues OP, spend time doing things that interest you. If you don't know, try lots of things - every week try something new. Every day talk to someone new. Love comes when you're not looking for it.

SilverySurfer · 26/05/2018 14:14

My sister divorced at 60, met someone a couple of years later and they are living happily together so no, 39 is not too late to meet someone.

OliviaStabler · 26/05/2018 14:27

The cat is a reference

Ok, my bad.

VladmirsPoutine · 26/05/2018 14:28

You sound very deflated and as though you've just thrown your arms up and declared that this is your lot and forget it. I don't think you are pathetic. I think that you should consider working on self-esteem and confidence. Relationships and men will always be out there - tis your choice the extent to which you engage with it or not. But writing yourself off is not the best place to start.

Be kind to yourself.

What do you want? It might seem like everyone else has it 'sorted' but does anyone! Who knows what goes on behind closed doors and don't start comparing yourself to anyone - that way madness lies.

Drycleanonly7 · 26/05/2018 14:30

No, you haven't really. I met my husband when I was 37 and had our son at 41. It had only just begun for me. Met him online. I was searching for him though!

Blueflorals · 26/05/2018 14:31

Yes, I would say so, unless you’re willing to take on stepchildren.

romany4 · 26/05/2018 14:33

It's never too late.

My younger brother is 40. Never met the ONE while he was young man and out all the time.
Met a lovely lady last Christmas. Now engaged and planning his wedding for next year. If I'd told him last Summer he would be so happy this year , he'd have laughed in my face.
You never know what is around the corner

formerbabe · 26/05/2018 14:35

Love comes when you're not looking for it

Whatever you do, do not fall for this nonsense. This may happen if you're very lucky but all the women I know who are married or settled down have actively tried to find love.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/05/2018 14:45

I had my DS at 39; he was a surprise but (luckily for all three of us) his father is/was an old pal and a decent chap, who is a wonderful dad but we are happy co-parents with no couple-relationship. I have been single for roughly 20 years: a few flings which were enjoyable enough but I have always managed to avoid living with or marrying anyone, because I don't want to do that.

So if you want a child, OP, look for a male friend who will make a good dad and who wants to be a dad, and see if he fancies co-parenting with you.

JessieMcJessie · 26/05/2018 16:04

wahwah you’re the OP with a neamechange, right? What happened with the wedding?

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 26/05/2018 16:40

OP, I agree with those who’ve suggested online dating. It’s how I met my DH. You may find a person with children from a previous marriage. Or, you could co-parent as others suggest. It may not be the “meet/go out/engagement/marriage/have babies scenario. Your story may need to be different with regard to your age but, you could make it happen 😊

sexnotgender · 26/05/2018 16:45

I agree that you need to go find it. I threw myself into online dating and I'm eternally grateful I did.

applesandpears56 · 26/05/2018 16:55

Have child on your own
Get a make over/hair cut
Focus on your health and nutrition- this is win win as will help with 1 and also get you socialising more and also make you look and feel great
Focus on building up friendships and networks- join clubs, do local activities like walking groups or community stuff

Personally I think online dating awful - just focus on widening your network and then hopefully you’ll meet a like minded man through this

Man can wait - child you need to have now because of your age

Jux · 26/05/2018 18:45

My friend got married 3 years ago. She is 71.
My aunt married when she was over 50.
I got married at 38, which is admittedly younger, but still...

user1492877024 · 26/05/2018 19:38

Of course it isn't too late.

Silvafoxx · 24/08/2019 22:31

I’ve just had my youngest of 4 children and I am 45. I was 41 for my 3rd and 39 when I had my second. I hope this gives you hope. That said there is no time to waste. Maybe you could reignite a passion from your past? That way if you already know the person you won’t have to wait so long before trying for children. Good luck.

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