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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's invited someone I can't stand

101 replies

brokenglam · 26/05/2018 09:27

Going to the cinema tonight with a friend. I'm driving us both and have messaged this morning about picking her up. She's replied saying that Sarah is also now coming. There was no mention of Sarah coming before and I can't stand her. Her child has always had a hold over mine, leads him astray, teaches him swear words, tells him he's a best friend then an enemy. I don't want *Sarah coming on our night out and I def don't want her in my car. She's so patronising and generally a person I'll say hi in passing to but always try and stay away from. Very annoyed. Original friend I don't see that often and obvs doesn't know any of my issues with Sarah. What can I do??!! AIBU to not want her in my car and invading my night out.

OP posts:
chickenowner · 26/05/2018 11:22

I think it was rude of your friend to invite someone else without checking with you first.

I wouldn't go - it's up to you to decide what reason you give.

Incidentally, someone once pulled this trick with me when we were in the middle of planning a month travelling around Thailand! She couldn't understand why I wasn't delighted that she had invited along someone else who I had only met once before and had annoyed me... I pulled out of the trip.

stevesmithsmum · 26/05/2018 11:24

I've replied to friend saying I'm not happy driving Sarah

"No problems. I’ve organised Sarah to pick both of us up at my place. She’s really looking forward to the evening out"

happypoobum · 26/05/2018 11:24

I think your text is a bit PA and would leave me bewildered. You should have been more honest - "I wish you had run this past me as I don't get on with Sarah. I will leave you two to enjoy yourselves and we can get together a different time."

Agree with PP it's bloody rude of friend to just invite a third party.

pigeondujour · 26/05/2018 11:25

That would piss me off - I'd feel like I had been strategically placed as a taxi for her and Sarah's night out. I think you'd be within your rights to say something like, “Oh, I think I’m going to pull out then and leave you and Sarah to it. I’d rather you checked with me before inviting other people next time. Have a lovely evening.” as suggested by @Furano.

CandleWithHair · 26/05/2018 11:26

Why didn’t you PHONE your friend? That text is ripe for misinterpretation

Gemini69 · 26/05/2018 11:31

you should have just pulled out OP... not mentioned Sarah... Flowers

StealthNinjaMum · 26/05/2018 11:34

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. So a friend invites another 'friend' and you've never said you don't like her so she probably thought she was doing a nice thing. Have the tickets been paid for is someone losing out now?

I think you're now putting your original friend in a difficult position. Are you expecting her to cancel the evening completely or discuss it with the 'friend' why you're now not going.

If it were me I'd have put up with it for one night (after all it's not like you'll talk much about the cinema) and then explained to friend afterwards that you don't like the other one and you'd rather she didn't invite her again.

colditz · 26/05/2018 11:36

This sounds like your friend knows damned well you don't like Sarah, but she DOES like Sarah and is trying to engineer at least a tolerance between you by repeatedly putting you in Sarah's company. I've been stuck int he same piggy-in-the-middle situation with one friend who was blunt as a spoon and another who was as delicate as a violet in April.

I would text back "I will let you and Sarah go to the cinema and catch you another time, without Sarah being there."

She KNOWS Sarah is the problem here, but you need to make it clear that you're not going to try to be friends with Sarah, or even tolerate her company, because you just don't like her.

echt · 26/05/2018 11:39

I think you're now putting your original friend in a difficult position. Are you expecting her to cancel the evening completely or discuss it with the 'friend' why you're now not going

No. The OF is putting the OP in a difficult position. TheOP is not expecting OF cancel it, she is possibly not going herself which leaves OF and Sarah to carry, on as per. And yes,OF should have discussed with the OP first.

StealthNinjaMum · 26/05/2018 11:50

echt Op admits she has never told her friend that she doesn't like Sarah so her friend will have to give an explanation to Sarah why op has cancelled. What if Sarah suggests they rearrange it?

I don't think it's the end of the world if two friends are going out and a third is invited. We don't know the details of how the friend invited Sarah but I can imagine a situation in which I made an arrangement with a friend, bumped into a mutual friend and casually invited them too. Remember the friend doesn't know op hates Sarah.

OliviaStabler · 26/05/2018 11:50

AIBU to not want her in my car and invading my night out.

Not unreasonable. You need to cancel ASAP.

Your friend was bloody rude inviting someone along without checking with you first.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2018 11:51

It fucks me off when people do this, especially when they know not all the participants get on. So YANBU in that, but it was unreasonable to just say you didn't want to drive her. I'd have gone with Return's message. Now this is done, just tell her, 'I'm not a fan of Sarah's and don't care to associate with her, so you two have a great evening!x'

echt · 26/05/2018 11:57

echt Op admits she has never told her friend that she doesn't like Sarah so her friend will have to give an explanation to Sarah why op has cancelled. What if Sarah suggests they rearrange it

It's just rude to invite anyone without discussing it first.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 26/05/2018 11:57

It would really annoy me too. I wouldn't go. I had a similar situation where l spoke to a friend about going to an event that we both liked. She then invited two others which would have made it more difficult to organise and they are also quite flakey with arrangements. I told my friend l was annoyed as it wasn't her place to invite others to something that l was organising.

Weezol · 26/05/2018 12:02

Offering lifts without checking with the driver? That would irk me even if I was ok about Sarah.

CharliesSister · 26/05/2018 12:05

Saying you don't want to drive Sarah just sounds petty.
Say you don't want to spend the evening with Sarah, so will bow out this time.

Returnofthesmileybar · 26/05/2018 12:10

Honestly yanbu to not want to go with her or about having your plans changed but that text makes you sound like a petty bitch, go or don't but the I'm not driving her just sounds childish

AlwaysPondering · 26/05/2018 12:11

Rude of your friend to invite another without checking first.

Does your friend know how you feel about Sarah?

I'd probably say "Sarahs alright but she's not someone I'd choose to spend an evening with so lets rearrange".

EggysMom · 26/05/2018 12:12

I went on a girlie trip with a group of friends. One of those friends 'A' told mutual acquaintance couple B&C about the girlie trip - she was good friends with B&C, I tolerated them but didn't like them. Surprise surprise, couple B&C decide to take a weekend break in exactly the same location. 'A' asks whether they can join us on our days out, I objected, nothing more was said at the time.

Shortly thereafter 'A' ghosted me.

I don't believe anybody should invite unexpected guests along to an organised night out / trip / whatever - not without a good discussion as to why they want to do so. In the case of the OP, if her friend had phoned to say "My friend Sarah has had a really bad time recently and could do with a night out, can she join us?" then the OP might be more understanding or at least have the opportunity to decline on friendly terms. Her friend has a cheek to just presume.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/05/2018 12:16

She's your friend. She will understand. The truth will set you free.

Its not rude, its honest. Would your friend really want you to come if she knows you are dreading it?

Why spend time with someone you've already decided is patronising and whose child is regularly upsetting yours. Even if it is the cinema and you are clearly already dreading it.

What's the worst that could happen if you tell your friend the truth?

Also ask your friend if Sarah put her up to it and why she thinks that might be?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/05/2018 12:19

I wouldn't have replied that you didn't want to drive Sarah as that way she can still rock up to the cinema.

I was going to suggest that you should have replied "Aw, shoot. I was looking forward to a night with just the two of us so we could go for a drink and chat after the movie. Such a shame. Well, I will meet up with you another time, without Sarah. Just wondering, why did you invite her?" to see what she says.

thatsscottishtender · 26/05/2018 12:23

I have a friend who always invites other people I have no interest in hanging out with to things. Now I don't see her unless she comes to my house. I'm past the point of feeling obliged to hang out with people I don't like. I would tell her the truth and not go.

Ohyesiam · 26/05/2018 12:23

You’ve fudged it though op. You said you didn’t want to drive Sarah when actually you don’t want to see her at all. Say where you stand to avoid confusion.

But I think it was really unreasonable of her to ask someone else without asking you first. I’ve never had anyone do this, and I’d be a bit Hmm if they did, especially if it was someone who wound me up.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 26/05/2018 12:24

the truth will set you free ^^

Ring your friend

Unless you explain, you're going to appear unreasonable to your friend, who as you say is unaware of your issues with Sarah. Saying you're not happy/"comfortable" driving her just sounds mean.

That said, it's the cinema, what can go wrong? And is it possibly that Sarah is oblivious to how you feel about her?

PurpleCrowbar · 26/05/2018 12:26

I'd go for 'oh you guys go, then...Sarah & I don't get on, so I'll leave you to it.'

The only thing is: how discreet is your friend? Because if she's the sort of blabber who will immediately turn round to Sarah & say 'brokenglam has ditched us. Weird. Something about not getting on with you?!' then your 'say hi in passing' interaction with Sarah has just got loads more awkward.

Personally, I don't mind someone knowing I dislike them if they've given me good reason, but if it was just that I don't much care for their kid & find them a bit irritating, I'd rather keep things neutral/friendly but distant iyswim?