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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let bio father know I'm in labour

84 replies

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 07:39

The Biological dad of my baby has ignored me for months and despite my attempts to get him to decide whether or not he wants to be involved he only wanted to be involved until I made it clear that he couldn't use her to control me. Ever since then he's ignored me completely. He used to be a regular where I work and hasn't been in since, and it's been 4 months since he's even made any effort to speak to me. I don't want my baby to have a father whose only interest in her is temporary or because he thinks he can use her as bait, but I think maybe I'm being a bit unfair to him. To clarify, it was an unexpected pregnancy because he refused to wear condoms and I had been taken off my birth control for medical reasons ( I know- it takes two to tango, that's on both of us). When I told him I was pregnant he really pushed for an abortion, until we broke up- then he was suddenly very interested in us "being friends" for "the benefit of the baby". I told him I would be civil with him and would never stop him seeing his child but that we would never be friends. I don't intend on asking for child support or anything like that, but I don't want him involved at all if he isn't even interested enough in her to make a decision about involvement. AIBU to not let him know? ( I'm worried that my own feelings are clouding my decision- I was selfish in dating him to please my family and could only stand to sleep with him whilst drunk, which was not fair on him.)

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 26/05/2018 08:33

Also, please don't mix up your ideas about him seeing the child, with financial support. They're totally separate issues.

He owes her financial support because he helped make her. He is her father. Biology says so.

Whether he wants to see her or not, you want him to and so on, is a completely different discussion.

Original poster

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:35

Thanks everyone! I'm going to write him a letter after she's born just letting him know just in case he's forgotten her date or something and he can decide where to go from there. I won't put any pressure on him either way. I'd rather not inform him at all and see if he bothers but that's probably an emotional response. You've all been very helpful.

OP posts:

diddl · 26/05/2018 08:39

"I'd rather not inform him at all "

Then don't.

MothershipG · 26/05/2018 08:41

He doesn't have rights he has responsibilities. Make that your mantra.

He chose to have unprotected sex with you, if he didn't want to be a father he could have chosen not to do that. He made a choice.

Your child is entitled to be supported by both parents. The very least he can do is provide financial support.

Stop worrying about him, there is nothing stopping him getting in contact and building a relationship with his child. Make your child and their needs your priority.

eddielizzard · 26/05/2018 08:50

i wouldn't. he knows you're having a baby and he's blocked you. balls in his court.

Tinkobell · 26/05/2018 08:54

You're on your own here and you made the decision to go it alone a while back. Think about the baby and make the best of it. Best of luck! 💐

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 09:38

If you don't want to tell him, don't.

Mrsmadevans · 26/05/2018 09:43

I think you should tell him OP, he may behave differently espesh after he has seen his DC being born. He will never get the chance otherwise.Good Luck

ItsNachoCheese · 26/05/2018 09:48

I didnt tell my ex i was in labour and i didnt inform him when i finally had ds. I let him find out when the cms got in touch with him. Posters may think i was harsh doing this but he was a nasty bully who tried to manipulate and guilt trip me into agreeing to a termination... needless to say i refused and my ds is 3 next month and i havent seen or heard from my ex since i was 4 months pregnant. op do what you feel is right for you and your baby

lottiegarbanzo · 26/05/2018 10:35

She may be on her own and that's fine, as a choice. The child has two parents, both with obligations towards it.

Rachie1973 · 26/05/2018 11:01

You sound a little immature if you'll forgive me.

My pregnant 16 year old seems to have it lined up in a more orderly way!

She doesn't say 'unexpected pregnancy' she says 'We had unprotected sex and I got pregnant'. She knew the possible consequences and accepts her part in it.

She's not in a relationship with the Dad. They're on friendly speaking terms, but she won't be advising him when she's in labour. He doesn't want to come to the scans etc but has said he would like to be at the birth. That's not happening though. She doesn't want him at the birth. She says she will tell him first, when baby comes as she feels he has the right to know before everyone else.

Then the ball is in his court, he can come..... or he can stay away. He will be paying maintenance though I'm afraid.

Babynut1 · 26/05/2018 20:42

Why bother letting him now.
He knows that a pregnancy lasts for 9 months so at some point he’s going to know that the baby has been born! If he’s interested I’m sure he’ll contact you.

Whether or not he wants to be involved is up to him, but regardless he has a duty to pay for the child he had a part in creating. So he has to pay. Once the baby has been born, put a cms claim in!!

Original poster

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 21:21

Rachie,

I've already said I know I come across as immature in emotional situations. That's why I asked mumsnet for advice. Great that your 16yo has such an excellent outlook on life, but bear in mind that we are in different scenarios. Personally I don't want to be besties with someone who told me I'd never amount to anything and constantly made me feel useless, abd if you read the thread you'd know that i couldn't speak to him even if I wanted to, he blocked me. I should have said "unplanned" pregnancy, sorry if my semantics offended you.

OP posts:

MyLearnedFriend · 26/05/2018 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 21:28

And yes, your 16 yo seems to have it better. Most of that is my fault, and I accept that. But we are here now, there is a child and I will raise it to the best of my ability, as I'm sure your girl will. Does it matter where the love came from, if the child gets the same amount? Does it matter if six months earlier the mother was asking for advice, or instead handling it perfectly fine on her own? I just wanted some advice. It's not a competition, though I'm sure you are proud that your girl would never end up in a situation like this.

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 27/05/2018 02:26

I'd let him find out the baby had been born when he gets the CMS letter.

MyOtherProfile · 27/05/2018 05:52

I'd let him find out the baby had been born when he gets the CMS letter.

This. Totally this. I wouldn't hesitate to make sure he supported my child financially.

SecretStash · 27/05/2018 06:57

So he began this whole saga by saying that he wanted to be friends for the benefit of the baby, and you basically told him where to go?

The baby isn’t here yet. I’m not surprised he’s giving you a wide berth.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 27/05/2018 06:58

The warning bells for me are that he was only interested in your child when it came to influencing you. Then has blocked you from contacting him across all platforms. I would be wary that once your baby is born, that he may try to use this to 'be friends' again.

Personally, I would start thinking two steps ahead. If he's pulling these sorts of childish stunts at this point you need to anticipate it may not change in future and take steps to protect yourself. I dont wish to upset you, but I have known of situations where the father didnt want the baby, ignored the mother, then once the baby was born, used it to make the mother's life hell by taking her to court, refusing to pay, DNA etc. If he is being a dick now, you need to have eyes in the back of your head.

Labour is completely up to you- youre the one giving birth and you need to feel comfortable and completely supported whilst giving birth. Do what is right for you, you dont need to be worrying about someone else's feelings during that time.

Letter sounds like a fab idea. I would write it, photocopy it, and send it via registered post- keep the proof of postage. That way if he does take you to court, or you take him to court, you have proof that you have made the effort to establish contact between him and your child and you are not being obstructive. Keep it cool, calm and clinical.

Get the CMS. You both made the baby and kids are expensive, trust me!!

Frouby · 27/05/2018 07:16

How much does he earn OP? Is he in secure, consistent employment?

Because if he isn't I would be tempted to ignore the CMS situation for now. He absolutely should pay. There is no question about that. But if him being forced to pay means he is going to try and get 'value for money' with a baby he has said he wants aborted, and already has your head spinning with what he might and might not do I would leave the cms claim for now.

Have your daughter. Recover from the birth and the hormones. Get used to being a mother. Get your mental and physical health back. Then decide what you want from him.

Inform him of the birth if you can. A simple note saying she has been born, weighed x and is called y is enough. Then focus on you and your baby for at least 6 months. If he gets in touch and wants to see baby then arrange for him to come and see her while a friend or relative is with you. If you can and want to consider bfing to prevent him demanding unsupervised contact for now.

Good luck with everything.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 27/05/2018 07:21

"The Biological dad of my baby has ignored me for months"

I read that far and YANBU

DollyLlama · 27/05/2018 07:43

Right behind @lottiegarbanzo on that point.

Labour is so undignified and personal. Do not invite someone who you have no real relationship with. He doesn't need to be at the birth to be involved.

I think you should leave it as it is.

I do get the not asking for CM, my friend had her first DS while in a relationship, he left her when their son was 10 months old and appeared maybe 3 times since. Her son is nearly 9 now and she doesn't ask for CM as it seems like an excuse for the asshole Dad to swan in and out as he pleases and all it does is damage her son.

Don't give the child his surname, don't push him to be involved. If he wants to, he will. You don't want your child having a forced relationship with this man if he's that vile surely?

Dancingmonkey87 · 27/05/2018 07:43

@Rachie - please don't attempt to take the moral high-ground over the OP here; you are a mother to a pregnant 16-year old.

This^ talk about judging someone who is in a similar situation to your dd, your in no position to judge and be pretty smug about your mature 16 year old. Who wasn’t mature enough at the time to seek contraception. Surely you could lend abit of support than tear someone down no?

Op we all make mistakes, I got pregnant and had ds at 21years old and was in an EA relationship I wish I walked away when pregnant but I clung onto something that wasn’t there. We split up shortly after ds 1st Birthday. He doesn’t need to be at that the birth but just leave the door open and I think a letter is a good idea.

DollyLlama · 27/05/2018 07:45

I might add with the CM, I do think he should supports the baby, but I understand the side of not taking it as well.

Personally I think he should pay for a child he was stupid enough to conceive since he didn't want to wear protection.

I'm not awake yet and not putting my point across very well!

BlueBug45 · 27/05/2018 07:51

There is another person involved in this - your child and she has legal rights.

Tell him after you have given birth by letter the child exists, chase him for child maintenance, and then leave it up to him whether he wants more contact.

If you don't do that then you risk having a teenager or young adult who hates you for it, particularly if she contacts him and he's nice and welcoming now she's an adult.

If he's useless and flakey when he has contact, unfortunately while you can protect your child some what, she will need to realise herself when she is a teenager how shit her biological father is.

Oh and you better sort your story out for how you got pregnant as telling your child what you posted above when she is old enough to understand is just shit. Plus you are refusing to take responsibility for some of your own actions.

Btw if he doesn't come with you or provide a statutory declaration you can't register him as the father on the birth certificate. However he can go to court at a later date to be recognised as her father and get parental responsibility. As you are unmarried it's up to you what names including lastname you give her whether he comes with you or not. You do not have to agree with him coming with you to register the birth and I wouldn't.

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