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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let bio father know I'm in labour

84 replies

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 07:39

The Biological dad of my baby has ignored me for months and despite my attempts to get him to decide whether or not he wants to be involved he only wanted to be involved until I made it clear that he couldn't use her to control me. Ever since then he's ignored me completely. He used to be a regular where I work and hasn't been in since, and it's been 4 months since he's even made any effort to speak to me. I don't want my baby to have a father whose only interest in her is temporary or because he thinks he can use her as bait, but I think maybe I'm being a bit unfair to him. To clarify, it was an unexpected pregnancy because he refused to wear condoms and I had been taken off my birth control for medical reasons ( I know- it takes two to tango, that's on both of us). When I told him I was pregnant he really pushed for an abortion, until we broke up- then he was suddenly very interested in us "being friends" for "the benefit of the baby". I told him I would be civil with him and would never stop him seeing his child but that we would never be friends. I don't intend on asking for child support or anything like that, but I don't want him involved at all if he isn't even interested enough in her to make a decision about involvement. AIBU to not let him know? ( I'm worried that my own feelings are clouding my decision- I was selfish in dating him to please my family and could only stand to sleep with him whilst drunk, which was not fair on him.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:03

Yeah, and three pints for him. He didn't like to wait to order at a busy bar. If it was quiet he wouldn't order three, but I usually finished at 2 so it was usually quite busy.

OP posts:
outofmydepth45 · 26/05/2018 08:05
  1. Send a note to let him know post birth
  2. Claim maintainance (You make it you pay for it)
Original poster
Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:06

Absolutely, I want my daughter to have a dad who loves her and wants her. If he suddenly unblocked my number and text me saying "how's the baby", I'd give him a full update and ask him to come to the birth. I'm just not sure where I stand here and I know it's as much my responsibility as it is his to find out, but I'm struggling to seperate my feelings from what's right.

OP posts:
Namechange128 · 26/05/2018 08:06

How can he want to be friends for the baby but also have you blocked everywhere? It's one or the other.
In any case, you certianly don't need to have him at the birth, but do go for the child support, it's for your child's sake as much as yours. Also, even if they don't have a relationship, your child may one day want to at least know how to contact their father, and it helps if you can be in touch.

Good luck with your new arrival!

Cheby · 26/05/2018 08:07

Don’t tell him you’re in labour. Concentrate on your baby and don’t give him a second thought. When you are home, have feeding established and are settled (ie a few weeks), write to him to inform him the baby has been born. If he has blocked you this is the only option he has left you with.

Original poster
Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:08

He blocked me after I said we wouldn't be friends.

OP posts:
Cheby · 26/05/2018 08:08

Do NOT invite to the birth! You need zero stress and only supportive people around you. Not abusive idiots. He has no right to be there. Even if you were married and in a happy relationship he would still have no right to be there.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/05/2018 08:10

and ask him to come to the birth

But why? You claim he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. He doesn’t need to be at the birth, you don’t need to go round to his house after.

Coolaschmoola · 26/05/2018 08:11

You were with him to keep your family happy?!

Original poster
Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:12

It's a long story, but basically my dad disowned me when he found out I was dating a girl in my teens, and it did a lot of damage to my mental health. It didn't seem to matter to me at the time that I was ruining my own life but I want better for my daughter

OP posts:
Looselytranslated · 26/05/2018 08:12

I didn't. He is a useless man. She was born three weeks early and he found out from my friend he'd spoken to in the pub when my daughter was 3 weeks old "Has Loosely had the baby yet?" "Uh yeah, 3 weeks ago". He is much older than me, he refused to give me any support and I was young. He came to see her the very next day and then we didn't see or hear from him for a year. It went downhill after that.

If he wants to be involved he will be. If my ex had wanted to be involved I would never have stopped him.

troodiedoo · 26/05/2018 08:14

Agree with pp. Tell him after the birth. Put a claim in for maintenance.

You've not mentioned it, but please don't give the baby his surname.

Original poster
Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:14

Cheby, I wouldn't know what to write, but that's an idea I hadn't thought of, and actually really helpful. That's something I can work with.

OP posts:
jigglepiggle · 26/05/2018 08:14

I was going to say just let him know after the baby is born, but after reading that he’s blocked you I wouldn’t let him know at all. If I was you I’d just get on with my life with my baby.

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/05/2018 08:14

You sound very confused and, in a non judgey way, rather immature.

I mean who drinks something they don’t want in order to have sex with someone they don’t want just because they don’t want to upset that person or their family?!

You do not want someone you’re not friends with or comfortable with to be at the birth, I’ve done it twice and I adore my DH but frankly he’s bloody annoying during labour/surgery!

Original poster
Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:15

Im sorry you went through that, loosely. But I agree, I wouldn't ever dream of stopping him being involved if he wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:19

Apparently, I do. I don't feel judged, when it comes to my emotions I don't have a history of making good choices, which is why I was looking for advice online before I didn't something stupid.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 26/05/2018 08:23

Why would you tell him you're in labour? I have no idea why you would do that. Let him know after the baby has arrived.

Why would you not seek financial support for the child? It's for the child, not for you. You wish to deprive your child of his financial support because... Something to do with your own pride? It's not about you. It's for the child.

He had sex with you without a condom. He knew it was possible you'd become pregnant. He is not some sort of victim of circumstance. He chose this, as a possible outcome.

ChevalierTialys · 26/05/2018 08:23

He doesn't need to be present for her birth, but it would be a nice gesture to have someone let him know when she's born.

robotcartrainhat · 26/05/2018 08:24

YANBU focus on yourself not him. This is going to be hard for you and you need all your energy and strength. Dont bother about him. If he wants to contact you im sure he will find a way. I wouldnt do anything or worry about it at all.... leave it up to him to sort out and communicate what contact he wants, if any. That way you will be spared any of his input if he is lazy and uninterested but if he is fussed about the baby then he will make an effort and you can work with that. Dont go trying to sort it out yourself as you run the risk of getting him involved when he isnt really interested and that can be a nightmare... like you said its better for him not to be involved at all than spend your life chasing after someone who shows little interest unless prompted. That will badly effect both you and your child. Let him do the work and dont worry yourself about it whilst trying to give birth. Flowers

Original poster
Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:25

I just thought that since I had the choice whether or not to keep the baby, he ought to have a choice in whether or not to have a child. Maybe that was wrong. But if he doesn't come with me to the register office and therefore isn't on the birth certificate, can I even chase him for that?

OP posts:
KittenBeast · 26/05/2018 08:27

You fell pregnant 'unexpectedly' after unprotected sex with a man you found so vile you had to be pissed to sleep with? that is a pickle. No, you don't have to inform him, I think it best he remains out of the picture.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 26/05/2018 08:27

From someone who’s been in the same situation, just concentrate on yourself and your baby. That’s what is important right now.

Sort him out later.

Original poster
Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:28

Robotcartrainhat, that's kind of what I was thinking. He knows when she's due, so if he wanted to surely he'd contact me? But I was worried that I should tell him when she was born that it had happened.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 26/05/2018 08:28

Labour is your experience. It's painful, undiginified and unpredictable. It's possibly the experience that really is most 'all about you' in your whole life.

It's not a spectator sport. You don't invite people you feel you have some social obligation towards - that's a BBQ, or Christmas drinks.