AIBU to be upset DP kept this from me?

[user1471605190]

I live with my boyfriend at his Mum's while we are saving for a deposit to get our own place, and hope to move out next year. We are in a really loving and stable relationship - we've never really had a big argument in the five years we've been together, until a few years ago I found out through his mum that he had signed up to Sky despite only staying at his DM's once a week. I was annoyed he didn't tell me and the fact he was wasting money away. Fast forward to yesterday, I found out from MIL that DP has put her bills on his credit card. I didn't know he had a credit card. When he got in from work I asked him outright and he told me he got it last year to put any bookings for holidays on there for an extra layer of security as he didn't trust the tour companies we used etc. This does make sense, but now I want to see for myself how much he has on there. I don't even mind he has a credit card but wish he just told me and I hadn't found out from his mother AGAIN. I feel less confident going into a house with DP when he's hiding things like this that could impact on our future if he doesn't use it sensibly. He has a lot of things on finance - car, laptop, xbox, phone & phone contract and has always paid on time to my knowledge and is always accepted for credit when he's applied so he must be managing it well. I don't feel he makes rash purchases he can't afford but i'm still annoyed he kept it from me.

AIBU to be annoyed and is it acceptable to question him about how much he has racked up or is it none of my business? I'll be putting in the whole deposit for a house so I will have a lot more invested that he will if it goes tits up.

I agree with a lot of the comments about his mum. When I met DP she was very needy as he had been her crutch when her husband (his dad) left them for another woman. Once she called him up when we were on our way out to say she had cooked tea so he left me to go back home! She would make him do chores such as mow her lawn before we could go out on a Saturday (He was 20!) I gave it to him straight he had to man up or it's over and he did, but I agree that his DM still wants too much from him. She did 'well' financially out of the divorce and has a lovely house but has held the same admin job for the last 20 years, moans she has no money but doesn't do anything about it.

Yesterday I spoke to DP about the credit card where he told me there was £150 on it and only has a £3000 limit and assured me the last time he used it before this month was January. I also worked out that it's almost been a year since I stopped paying DParents £250 a month, and also since DP has been paying for our weekly shop and £290 to his mother. That is £4250 in the last year that I have therefore matched and put into an account which is a collective deposit - if we were to split up I would give him half of this so everything would have been equal as up until then. Moving forward I am paying in £300 into the house fund account a month to match the £290 he is paying his mum. Then we are going to have to save what we can on top. At this rate it's going to take 4.1 years to get a deposit which i am not prepared to wait for.

I think we need to sit down and actually work out a plan of us saving as I have not felt comfortable in putting in the whole deposit myself for a long time and I think that's a sign in itself that I don't trust the situation at all. I love him and he really is the nicest person in the world, he's just got too much on finance and subs his mother too much. I'm removing my rose-tinted glasses and going to have to sit down properly with DP and tell him he needs to get his act together. I wish I had asked for advise from you all sooner and not left it so long into the relationship.

@Butterymuffin we shop at Lidl, and shop for 4 meals a week, usually a pasta dish one night, and with a bag of potatoes make chips one day, shepherds pie another for example. As most weekends we are often visiting friends or out for the day we don't buy any shopping for then. I have leftovers for my lunches in the week and DP buys a loaf of bread and fillings on a Monday morning for his own lunches he makes at work. We don't buy cleaning products/toilet roll or cupboard staples etc as we meal plan and buy exactly what we need which is why it sounds cheap. We do spend more on food at weekends depending on what we are doing but again, that then is just taken in turns for either of us to pay for it.

So each month you will pay in 145 (your half of the rent) as his deposit, and 155 for yours? Does he pay towards the 100 you (weirdly) pay your parents?

If I were you I would keep a very close record of who is paying what into your savings account.

The business with his mother has red flags all over the place.
You putting the entire house deposit together is also very worrying, especially as part of the reason he has debt is that he is funding his mother, and buying toys for himself.

He has not manned up is he is covering her bills and her Sky but not telling you. He is just learning to hide the enmeshment better from you.

Seriously, I would walk away from this.

Now that the OP has spelled it out I don't see that it's so unfair. They each put half in to the savings every month.

I'd want to see the credit card statements, and I'd want the limit reduced to £500 and balance paid off every month. At one point my credit card debt went up to about £2,000 and it took forever to pay off, and was such stress! The problem with credit cards is that - daft as it seems - people see the limit as 'cash that I have available to spend'.

I don't know what age the OP is but their life together sounds friggin' miserable to me. Scrimping and saving and living with their parents and £30 a week for food when they're both working, leftovers for lunch.

He's young, why shouldn't he have an xbox, a laptop, a phone? Do you not think most fifteen-year-olds have all those things? How much does Sky cost?