AIBU to be upset DP kept this from me?

[user1471605190]

I live with my boyfriend at his Mum's while we are saving for a deposit to get our own place, and hope to move out next year. We are in a really loving and stable relationship - we've never really had a big argument in the five years we've been together, until a few years ago I found out through his mum that he had signed up to Sky despite only staying at his DM's once a week. I was annoyed he didn't tell me and the fact he was wasting money away. Fast forward to yesterday, I found out from MIL that DP has put her bills on his credit card. I didn't know he had a credit card. When he got in from work I asked him outright and he told me he got it last year to put any bookings for holidays on there for an extra layer of security as he didn't trust the tour companies we used etc. This does make sense, but now I want to see for myself how much he has on there. I don't even mind he has a credit card but wish he just told me and I hadn't found out from his mother AGAIN. I feel less confident going into a house with DP when he's hiding things like this that could impact on our future if he doesn't use it sensibly. He has a lot of things on finance - car, laptop, xbox, phone & phone contract and has always paid on time to my knowledge and is always accepted for credit when he's applied so he must be managing it well. I don't feel he makes rash purchases he can't afford but i'm still annoyed he kept it from me.


AIBU to be annoyed and is it acceptable to question him about how much he has racked up or is it none of my business? I'll be putting in the whole deposit for a house so I will have a lot more invested that he will if it goes tits up.

[ijustwannadance]

You pay £100 a month for your parents to keep your room?

1. why?
   
2. why wouldn't your parents let you move back if things went tits up anyway?
   
3. what would they do to the room if you didn't pay? Sex den? Air bnb?
   
   The reason you have saved deposit is because you pay sod all for your living expenses at his mum's house. So he pays out similar to what you save.

[Badg3rday]

Have you worked out how much deposit, solicitor fees, survey, stamp duty, extra fees you need to get a mortgage ? Have you been to see a financial advisor to check if you can get a mortgage ? Paying £100 for a room that isn't used is madness, especially when interest rates for savings are so low ! A credit card is OK if you pay off the balance every month and with zero interest and zero charges. Do you know how much the Sky is per month, this is a luxury, not something I would pay for if trying to save money !

[Catrina1234]

Yes I can't believe you are paying your mother a "retainer" fee of £100 a week, nor can I understand why he is paying £290 (a week or fortnight) seems excessive to me - why charge your own children rent. My kids come and go and I never charge them a penny but they just give me some anyway. It all sounds a bit messy and I'm not sure your DP is trustworthy.

[Isleepinahedgefund]

Are you buying “together” because you won’t be able to get a mortgage on your income alone?

You’ll both have to give full financial disclosure to get a mortgage anyway, it’ll all come out of the woodwork.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

If you can buy the house on your own, then do so, is my advice.
Your boyfriends finances are too mixed up with his mother's, and you didn't even know !

[happypoobum]

AF I will try...

1. I'll be putting in the whole deposit for a house so I will have a lot more invested that he will if it goes tits up. Don't do this.
   

1. Why are you paying your parents £100 a month for a room you do not live in? Who are they likely to rent it out to? Would they turn you away if you turned up on their doorstep with your bags?
   

1. Why are MILS bills being paid for by DP credit card?
   

1. What did you say to DP about the Sky? It sounds as though he bought it for his mum, not you.
   

1. Can you afford to buy a smaller place without him?

[rjay123]

From his perspective, he is paying all of the rent and board for you both, which enables you to save?

So surely half of those savings are attributable to him?

[StepCatsmother]

He pays his mum £290 for us to live there and I do not contribute towards this. I save £400 a month that goes into my own savings account and he doesn't save anything himself

Given this from the OP, I don't think it's entirely fair that he would have nothing to show from the deposit on any house OP & b/f buy. The way this is written, the OP able to save because she isn't paying any rent. The b/f is paying almost as much in rent as OP is able to save. If the rent were split evenly, then arguably, they would be contributing pretty evenly to any future deposit.

I hate to make the 'if this were the other way around' argument but I do wonder what the reaction would be to a situation where a woman was paying rent whilst her b/f lived rent free but then wanted to use what he had saved towards a deposit for his benefit only.

However, this is only one issue amongst numerous issues that jump out from this post and I agree with others that you don't seem ready to combine finances in a way that would be more conducive to purchasing a home together. From the information you have given it's hard to tell whether he is truly secretive about money or you are simply have different attitudes.

[user1471605190]

I pay my parents because we do stay there at weekends and it's just something towards expenses - water/heating etc. It's still my bedroom and i'm welcome to come and go as I wish. Only up until the start of the year I ways paying £250 still until I approached DF and told him I thought it was unfair seeing as I'm never there. For example i've not stayed there for the last 3 weeks as we have been visiting friends.



Yes MiggeldyHiggins , we do our own food shop and usually cook for DMIL in the evenings but that is what he pays.



Maybe I should look to split the cost of staying at MILs with DP and then get DP to save some each month. To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if he spends the savings for when the car needs a service or something. Ah typing it all out makes it sound I right mess! I need to talk with him tonight and work out how we move forward that works for both of us.

[Fruitcorner123]

I pay my parents £100 to keep my room should I wish to move back


if you stopped paying it and then your relationship fell apart would they turn you away?

From what youve described it sounds like he isnt mature enough to own a home. You said he took a car on finance just after meeting you meaning he couldnt afford to go out on nights out with you so you just paid!! I would strongly advise you to buy the house in your name and reconsider some of your arrangements. If you pay half if the rent to his mum and half the food and stop paying your parents you wont be much worse off and all your savings will be yours. By the way him paying all the petrol isnt a big deal its his car. Are you suggesting that he should charge you when he takes you on outings?

[3333hh44]

The rent and bills there, your parents rent, food and the car which you also benefit from, are all your joint expenses. So some of your savings are also his savings.
I think you need a big sit down discussion about the way forward.

[Domino20]

That doesn't seem fair that all the savings would be yours when the reason you can save so much is that he is funding your life?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

It sounds unfair that you’re not really contributing to joint expenses. Those savings have been possible because he’s subsidising you. If you’re only managing to save £400pm with limited expenses, I’m not sure you can afford to buy a house.

[ittakes2]

Maybe he is mainly paying for the sky for his mum and doesn't want her to feel like its charity. I would not expect my boyfriend to tell me about a credit card - but if you do it's important you are on the same page about finances before you make a financial commitment to him.

[Fruitcorner123]

The way this is written, the OP able to save because she isn't paying any rent

its not qiite that straighforward as she is paying her parents £100 rebt and he stays there too. The situation is xlearly not fair. if you are actually going to own the house together you should sit down and organise finances fairly. it isnt fair at the moment.

[user1471605190]

I would disagree with the comment about DP funding my lifestyle - we pay everything equally outside of the rent money to his DM and I do contribute a lot more if we go on holiday for example so it's the bigger, one off things that I tend to pay more for. I think I would prefer splitting the rent with DP and him then saving so that way we are equal and both contributing either way. I will let you know how it goes.

[Fruitcorner123]

Good luck. Assuming you both earn similar amounts i would siggest a joint account which you both contribute the same amount to for joint things like rent, holidays etc. and also a joint savings account for the house. Then your budget for your social life is yours to spend as you wish and if he wants to buy sky for his mum with that money so be it. It can get a bit much if you and your partner need to know everything about each others financial situations and are scrutinising every spend.

[TheMythOfFingerprints]

I used to stay at my mum's with the children every now and again.

We would all wash, eat, use the electric etc.
We didn't have to pay monthly for it, this is insane

[Solina]

Your finances sound messy. I would suggest looking at how much both of you earn combined and then what the essential outgoings will be and reviewing the amount you could save. If you are staying at his mums I don't see why he couldn't save anything at all.
You also want to find out what his credit rating as this will affect the kind of mortgage you can get. Not to mention what happens if he ends up in so much debt he cant keep paying for it. Also make sure you have a credit history as it will be difficult for you to get a mortgage without one.

And stop paying your parents when you dont live there. Visiting is not the same as living there.

Good luck with it all.

[LakieLady]

I would not buy a house with someone who isn't open and frank about their finances!

My friend's husband went mad with credit cards etc, it got to the point where they had no money to live on and they ended up going bankrupt and losing their house, which was her dream home. They actually split up for a while, she was so devastated and felt she couldn't trust him.

They got back together, and are now back on an even keel financially, but she has access to all their accounts, keeps her own money separate, and he doesn't buy anything over about £100 without discussing it with her first.

[Mamabear14]

How can you moan at him for paying for sky when he was only there one day a week yet you give your parents £100 for a room you barely use?!
I would agree that you can only buy a house because you aren't contributing to any rent, bills or food. £290 isn't a lot for 2 adults, feel a little sorry for his mum. She must be struggling to have to put her bills on his credit card.

[lindyhopy]

I think you are being really unfair to your DP, you are only saving because he is paying for everything- the holidays you said you pay more as you are the one who wants to go.

[lostinjapan]

we pay everything equally outside of the rent money to his DM

Except he pays for all the groceries too. And the car, which you don’t drive but you benefit from. Just the food and rent alone means he’s paying £5K a year more than you (let’s say the car and your parents room equal each other out). Even if you paid 100% of the holidays you’d still have a good deal, but the fact you’re paying a ‘larger sum’ just doesn’t cut it.

Why not pay for the food shop yourself from now on? It would make things a lot more equal.

[WatchingFromTheWings]

Definitely stop the £100pw to your parents! You don't live there. When my kids move out I'd be chuffed if they wanted to stay once in a while/month/week. Just pay your expenses whilst there. Or take your parents out for a meal!

[AnnieAnoniMouser]

She has been saving LONG BEFORE she met him!

The car is his expense.

She pays £100 to her parents for THEM to stay there - until recently it was £250
He pays £290 to his Mum for them to stay there

Not much difference there.


She pays the Lions share of holidays.
She paid for the vast majority of their ‘going out’ because he couldn’t afford it.

He has a lot of stuff on finance.
She does not.

They split ‘going out’ expenses now.

Therefore the SAVINGS to date, are HERS.

I think it’s time to look at their finances and make some new arrangements, but the savings SHE has, up until now, are HERS.

OP

Why do you stay at your parents at the weekend?

I really can’t understand your parents charging you, but maybe that’s because my parents were comfortably off, maybe yours aren’t? If yours are, then it’s pretty shitty of them. This is an attitude & an expense you really need to evaluate.

I think you need to be fair, but very cautious with finances with your DP.

I think you need to work out what joint expenses you have, such as...

• the payment to your parents if you choose to keep paying it.
  
• the payment to his Mum
  
• grocery shopping
  
• entertainment
  

& go halves on those things.

Discuss PROPERLY if he REALLY wants to buy a house and IF he does have SEPARATE savings accounts, but discuss how much each of you intend to save each month. Then agree to show each other the balances every couple of months. See how it goes.

Explain to him that you need total transparency re finances and that he needs to tell you how much he owes to who, because if you find out any more secrets it’s a deal breaker.

I honestly don’t think you’re financially compatible and that you’ll forever find yourself playing mummy. It’s not sexy and it’s fucking frustrating. Personally, I’d be out of that relationship because it’ll drag you down. But sometimes the truth is too hard to hear and we need to make our own mistakes. Just for god sake, ring fence the savings you already have and the ongoing savings YOU accumulate.

You’ve worked HARD to get them, don’t let anyone diddle you out of them.