AIBU to be upset DP kept this from me?

[user1471605190]

I live with my boyfriend at his Mum's while we are saving for a deposit to get our own place, and hope to move out next year. We are in a really loving and stable relationship - we've never really had a big argument in the five years we've been together, until a few years ago I found out through his mum that he had signed up to Sky despite only staying at his DM's once a week. I was annoyed he didn't tell me and the fact he was wasting money away. Fast forward to yesterday, I found out from MIL that DP has put her bills on his credit card. I didn't know he had a credit card. When he got in from work I asked him outright and he told me he got it last year to put any bookings for holidays on there for an extra layer of security as he didn't trust the tour companies we used etc. This does make sense, but now I want to see for myself how much he has on there. I don't even mind he has a credit card but wish he just told me and I hadn't found out from his mother AGAIN. I feel less confident going into a house with DP when he's hiding things like this that could impact on our future if he doesn't use it sensibly. He has a lot of things on finance - car, laptop, xbox, phone & phone contract and has always paid on time to my knowledge and is always accepted for credit when he's applied so he must be managing it well. I don't feel he makes rash purchases he can't afford but i'm still annoyed he kept it from me.


AIBU to be annoyed and is it acceptable to question him about how much he has racked up or is it none of my business? I'll be putting in the whole deposit for a house so I will have a lot more invested that he will if it goes tits up.

[Yddraigcymraeg]

If you put the full deposit in you need to get a deed of trust set up which will protect your deposit and also have the deeds of the house set as tenants in common. I put in the majority of the deposit on our house and this what we have set up. It basically means that should we split up or have to sell the house the mortgage gets paid off first, then I get paid the amount of the deposit and any balance left will be split 50/50 between me and OH. A solicitor will be able to advise you further.

[Fruitcorner123]

So last month you stayed at your parents 1 weekend and paid them £100? You might as well have had a night in a hotel. I would tell them you are going to stop paying it now that you are there less frequently..

[Popc0rn]

All the arguments about who pays what aside, in answer to "AIBU to be annoyed and is it acceptable to question him about how much he has racked up or is it none of my business?"

Not sure if it's reasonable for you to be annoyed or not, but yes I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask how much he has on his credit cards, especially if you are planning on getting a joint mortgage next year. The fact that he's always been accepted for credit doesn't mean he's not potentially in a lot of debt. Plus alarm bells would be ringing for me if he's buying stuff like an xbox on finance and has no savings at all .

A number of my friends have found out their partners (male and female) are in a LOT of credit card debt late on in the relationship. I'd ask to see his credit card statements, if he's nothing to hide then what's the problem in showing you?

[Iflyaway]

Dump him. He's not honest. And he never will be.

You deserve SO MUCH Better!

You just need to find out for yourself.

[Iflyaway]

He has a lot of things on finance - car, laptop, xbox, phone & phone contract and has always paid on time to my knowledge

The definitive thing being "to my knowledge".

I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling for you, sorry.

Why are you living with this guy but don't even know what is going on?Ask yourself that....

[GeorgeW78]

If he's buying items like an xbox on finance, he's not ready to buy a house.

[lolarosey]

Wait what ! You pay £100 to keep your room at your parents ? I am 35 I've not lived at home for 17 years and my room is still there if I ever needed it. Fair enough my mum has given it a less teenage make over and put a treadmill in there but still. What would they be doing with your room if you didn't pay ?
I'm just hoping my parents aren't on Mumsnet and send me a bill for 20k cos my swimming trophies are still there

[foxyliz26]

He,s a Mumys Boy , , nip that in the bud, mummy can pay her own bills, start that nonsense it will never stop

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Sorry, this bit blew me away - you pay your parents £100 a month to keep your room for you just in case? WTAF??
I know that on here there are threads about adult children paying rent when they still LIVE at home, and I think that's right that they should, because they are using the home, the utilities etc. But paying for an empty room in your PARENTS' house is taking the fucking piss (them, not you).

I'd sack that off straight away. If that meant they gave your room to some lodger, fair play - the amount you're saving you could live in a shared house and still save money instead.

As for the rest, sounds like your boyfriend isn't taking the financial side seriously for you as a couple, he's also funding his mother (a bit of a red flag as he's doing it secretly) and expecting YOU to pick up the tab for a house deposit.

Not happy with this as a situation.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I've seen the update now (was too outraged to read it all before posting) but I don't honestly think that makes it any better!

Re. your expenses and contributions - I suggest you both sit down together and create a list of incomings and outgoings for both of you. See where the balance is, and whether it needs to be shifted.

[notangelinajolie]

Something isn't right here and YANBU. I always say go with your gut feeling and I think your instincts are right. Transparency and reading from the same page over money are top priority in any relationship. I don't think you are getting this. My honest opinion is I don't think he is the one for you.

[thebewilderness]

Financial differences are the #1 reason for relationship problems.
He is not in a partnership with you else he would not keep these kinds of secrets.

[ASongOfRiceAndPeas]

...... I actually don't know where to start. I can only echo a PP who said that the two of you are not financially compatible.

You have the ability to live at home (either yours or his parents) to save money for a home and this is how you both choose to? Time to make some sacrifices and have a proper chat with your DP.

[Pratchet]

I would DEFINITELY NOT buy a house in joint names with him. No way and DOUBLE NO if YOU are putting the full deposit in. Just NO WAY. You’d be a complete fool to do that (sorry)

This. You probably will though, and come back for advice when it goes wrong. Which it will.

[londongirl12]

How are you going to afford bills when you do have a house? It's way more than what you're paying and saving now.

[thebewilderness]

I am so sorry he has been deceiving you all this time. No wonder you thought you had a stable relationship. You had no idea what he was actually doing.

[mathanxiety]

The big question here is why his mum has him so much under her thumb that he:

• pays her bills
  
• pays her rent
  
• pays for Sky for her
  
• you and he buy groceries and cook every night you are there
  

• and does not tell you.
  

Your boyfriend is an overgrown kid, way too involved with mum.

Move back in with your parents. Pay them a bit more per month if they insist. Buy your own house.

[mathanxiety]

Your BF's mum knows fully well that he will never have enough to afford a place of his own as long as he is funding her lifestyle.

Did she tell him not to tell you about her bills and the Sky subscription?

She is using both of you. You have to wonder what her motives are here.

[emmyrose2000]

I pay my parents because we do stay there at weekends and it's just something towards expenses - water/heating etc. It's still my bedroom and i'm welcome to come and go as I wish. Only up until the start of the year I ways paying £250 still until I approached DF and told him I thought it was unfair seeing as I'm never there. For example i've not stayed there for the last 3 weeks as we have been visiting friends

This is absolutely insane and your parents are awful for accepting/asking for this money, frankly.

My oldest DC has a job that means he's only home at odd times, but it can be for anywhere from one night to one month. It's never even occurred to me to charge him a "retainer" on his room. The additional costs when he stays are minimal. He does pay for groceries from time to time, but any other time he has offered us money I've refused it and told him he has to save it instead. It's more important to my DH and I that our children have savings behind them, and if I knew he was saving for a house deposit in particular I definitely wouldn't take any money from him!

[AgentJohnson]

Financial planning doesn’t seem to be either of your strong points and you could both commit to getting your own place a lot sooner instead if you could be a bit more sensible.

[Juells]

Sounds to me like the OP would be 'allowed' to put down the deposit, and pay all the mortgage, while he paid for the fun things he wanted. I wouldn't want that kind of CFery in my life :(

As for her parents and the £100...perhaps they intend to let out the room if she moved out completely? So it might be costing them money to keep the room free for her.

I definitely wouldn't buy a house with her DP, she'll end up paying for everything, they'll split up when she's finally had enough of his financial shenanigans, and he'll walk off with half.

[Firesuit]

Being able to make the payments on finance agreements isn't my idea of being good with money. Good with money is not having any debts other than a mortgage. For a young person in their first job I'd maybe also allow the car, if it's necessary to get to work, and not too expensive.

[elephantscanring]

If you haven't already done so, I'd sit down and make a spreadsheet of both our incoming money and outgoings.

He sounds like he has a lot on credit. Too much?

Full financial transparcney is essential too. You have to be able to trust each other.

And I'd stop paying £100 per month to your parents! That's just weird.

[Butterymuffin]

This was the bit I found most strange:

He has paid for our food shop which is around £30 a week for the last two years

For a couple? In which fantasy supermarket is this possible?? I can only think that stuff his mum buys is subsidising this (cooking oil etc) or that you're not actually cooking that much as you're also eating out. Either way, it's not a true picture of your food costs. Rather like your finances as a whole.