AIBU to think planning your life is pointless?

[MrsCD67]

AIBU to think that planning your life is pointless?
Saw a girl who was about 20 in our local coffee shop writing in a diary. A barista walked over and saw her writing and asked if she was revising for an exam as she'd been there writing for a long time apparently. The girl responded saying she was writing a 'life plan' with her family and career aspirations in.
Is it just me who thinks this is rather naïve? DP thinks it's sweet

What @Narkle said!

I've had my life planned since early childhood. I knew what career I wanted from an early age, chose my options to fit that career for GCSEs and A-Levels, applied to the appropriate universities with that aim in mind.

I knew I wanted marriage and a family, and the type of man I wanted them with. Granted, I made a mistake the first time around, but I recognised it and fixed it.

I planned children and the time in my life at which they would be most suitable, and had them (more or less - DS1 surprised me by being conceived 6 months early but my plans have wiggle room!)

Between us, DH and I have planned our house moves, our country move, our life goals. We go over them regularly to make sure we're going in the right direction with them all. We have backup plans and contingencies which I think are the key. Make plans, work towards those plans and be flexible enough to change your plans as and when life dictates.

Ultimately you can never know what's going to hit you - I could be knocked off my bike tomorrow - but it's (imho) unrealistic not to make plans for your future because they may not eventuate.

I wish I had planned more. Everything had worked out well but a bit more direction might have meant some better decisions along the way!

Some people genuinely don't have a clue what career they want from an early age though, whether they want a family, what area or country they want to live in. Some people might want to try out some different scenarios before making a decision on where and how to settle and forward plan, I don't think that's a better or worse way to be than to plan life to the letter

I do admire you all who have plans, I can imagine it must be quite comforting in a way.

DH and I aren’t planners, we tend to decide things on a whim and are fairly spontaneous........ We’ve been lucky so far and have had a wonderful, interesting, fulfilling life.

However our DC are coming up to secondary age (we’re expats about to move to country number 3) and we do need to start thinking of longer term implications of our lifestyle.

Any tips welcome!

I drifted through my 20s and now at 38 I’m quite adrift. It was good in some ways as I experienced a lot and had fun but now I am really not prepared for the future.

Dunno, it can be good to have ambition, as long as you’re not too inflexible.

Lifeplanner here. It gives you something to work towards to give life structure.

Then when life gets in the way detours are had and you recalculate and readjust the plan

Out of interest, because I am not a planner - those of you who planned out your school subject choices, career, promotions etc very early on - do you work in standard professions? As a teen, how aware were you of the vast range of jobs which are out there to be done? Do you ever wonder if maybe you could have been really successful elsewhere if you'd not been set on your choices so young and had the opportunity to broaden your goals based on knowledge of the world which grew as you got older?

I mean, I'm a Director of Strategic Governance and Compliance with a housing association. When I was choosing my A Levels I didn't even know such a role existed, let alone predict that I might want to do it or be any good at it.

I think it's good to plan as long as you keep an open mind about it. People grow, learn and circumstances change. Developing resilience will stand people in good stead.

It's great to plan but some are taking it too rigidly:

Good plan - eg finish Uni/get job/get married/have babies/early retirment.

Bad plan - leave Cambridge with a first/work at LLoyds/marry a virgin/have 6 kids/work till 90.

I never planned and let stuff happen to me which meant my twenties were pretty awful. I feel i've been more in the driving seat in my 30s. I think its good to have an idea of what you want but you need to accept it might not happen. I think more a general idea that specific plans. Wanting to buy a house or get married or have kids by a certain age is maybe too restrictive.

Thanks everyone for your views!
Best wishes to those who have mentioned that illness has affected them

I used to be more of a planner and then life got in the way. I wanted a baby at 29, and about a year into my three year contract so I had plenty of time to settle back in before job hunting. Some time and multiple miscarriages later... I'm about to have that baby at 31, the contract is going to run out imminently and although I would obviously like to have swapped all that heartache and worry for things working out as I'd planned (and I can't help but be very jealous of people who say 'I wanted to have children by X age so I did'), I just feel incredibly lucky to be here at all - lots of people never get their dreams, whether career, relationships or children, at all, let alone to a preordained schedule.

'...lots of people never get their dreams, whether career, relationships or children, at all, let alone to a preordained schedule'

Yy - and I think there can be an illusion that comes with a life plan followed by success, that the success is entirely in the planning and that conversely non-success must be due to 'drifting' or not planning appropriately. It can be used to give the successful a sense that they are insulated against life's curve-balls and ultimately absolve us (individually and collectively) of levelling the playing field a bit. (This is a general observation rather than being directed at anyone in particular on here - although tbh I'm as guilty as anyone of falling now and again into the comforting 'xyz could never happen to me because I make wise, foresightful decisions' way of thinking).

I think you'll get two kinds of answer to this

• People who have never really had a big reverse, saying planning is important/worth it; and
• People who have had a big shock to their plans, who will be more skeptical about the value of assuming that the future will be as stable/easy as the past.

It is tempting to divide these into young and old, but I don't think that's actually fair. I know plenty of older people who have never really had anything go 'wrong', and plenty of young 'uns who have suffered bad reverses of one kind or another.

Yy ^^

I'm put in mind of the scene in Threads, post-nuclear bomb, of the heroine trying to scrape together some rat carcasses to eat in front of a huge insurance company ad (I think it was Standard Life) which had survived the blast unscathed. OK, that's an extreme illustration, but the point that planning is not a magic insurance policy holds.

I had a similar plan at a similar age - graduate at 22, move in with partner in our first home. Get a job.
Marry at 24.
Baby at 26 and 27
Sahm for 4 years.
Work for a few years.
Baby at 32 and 33.
Sahm for a few years.
Go back to work.

In actual fact,I took an overdose at 22, we broke up shortly after and I found out he'd cheated on me.
I had a few relationships in my 20's and met DH at 29.
Married at 31.
First child at 34.

Either her plan will work our it won't but let her enjoy imagining the life she wants

I think it's a mistake to make too rigid a plan, particularly when it comes to marriage and children which can rarely be scheduled! On the other hand having a clear idea of your goals and how and when you hope to achieve them is a great idea, as long as there's flexibility involved.

It's good to have goals to work towards at least rather than flailing about in the dark

I had a plan for my twenties which I have achieved. Turning 30 this year so need to create a new one :)

Mine was fairly vague. Graduate, get decent job in public sector, marry, have a child, buy a house. I think anything too rigid is a bad idea.

- People who have never really had a big reverse, saying planning is important/worth it; and
- People who have had a big shock to their plans, who will be more skeptical about the value of assuming that the future will be as stable/easy as the past.

I really agree with this. Before the TTC debacle nothing had ever gone wrong for me in a significant way that really derailed my plans and I think I was a bit complacent about 'it will always go pretty much how I want'. I actually ended up having counselling for a bit and we talked a lot about this, about coming to terms with the fact that really huge, central life questions - like whether I was going to have a child - weren't within my control, and what that did to my sense of self. While it wasn't the nicest way to learn it, I am glad that I did learn that before having a child, actually, as I now (and I'm still yet to become a mother, so take these words of wisdom with lots of salt!) I don't think my previous mindset was a good one to enter parenthood with.

for you lisa. It's not an easy journey. I wish you joy and light.

I've known people who have planned their lives, stuck to the plan and it's worked out well for them. I've known people who have planned their lives and life threw them a curve ball and plans had to change. And I've known people who make no plans living day to day and spontaneously. Worked out for some not for others. So, who knows how it will work out for this girl.

I'm not a planner at all for myself and things have worked out fine so far, with some sad reverses at times. No harm in planning flexibly, though, if it gives you focus.

I’ve known what I want to do since I was 17/18 - a fairly out of the ordinary job that none of my family have done but they were hugely supportive - and without my planning and research I probably wouldn’t have gotten where I am today. I’ve got some pretty detailed career plans for the next few years - and the importance of any plan is to build in flexibility so if something does go wrong you can adapt.