AIBU to think planning your life is pointless?

[MrsCD67]

AIBU to think that planning your life is pointless?
Saw a girl who was about 20 in our local coffee shop writing in a diary. A barista walked over and saw her writing and asked if she was revising for an exam as she'd been there writing for a long time apparently. The girl responded saying she was writing a 'life plan' with her family and career aspirations in.
Is it just me who thinks this is rather naïve? DP thinks it's sweet

I doubt anyone plans at that age thinking all those things will definitely happen, but it's lovely to day dream. And if you don't plan at all, you might find you can't do all you want to do.

A lot of people are drifting in their 20s and will find it a bit of a shock when they can no longer do the things they want to do.

From the benefit of hindsight something I read but couldn't take on board at the time was "take yourself seriously". It's what the middle and upper classes do naturally.

My nephew (now in his early 20s) revealed recently that he started planning his career at 13, never told anyone, just started working an hour a day on his music after school, then at 14 upped it to 2 hours and at 15 3 hours. He has just been accepted to spend a semester at one of the most prestigious conservatoires in the world.

I've always been a planner - not down to having achievements mapped out by year, but I generally have a clear sense of what I'm working towards.

In my teens & 20s I really noticed my lack of FOMO / peer pressure compared to my friends - I'm not sure how much difference it's made in the long term, as you say life throws us all curveballs. But on balance I'm happy with how things are going so far!

I had a life plan. It's not the life I've got!

I'm quite happy for people to have plans, but make a plan B as well, and you'll probably need a plan C as a final back up.

Never make long term plans but sometimes a general life direction. I do quite a lot of short term planning though, like things for the year.

I have a friend who wanted to be married with kids by the time she was 35. She was still single at 30, so started OLD with a mission. She now has a lovely husband and two kids. She had to kiss a few frogs along the way, but I think the fact she had a plan kept her coming back.

DH and I always have a rough five year plan. It’s not written in stone, it has plenty of room for change and flexibility but it gives us something to worj for.

We’ve had times when everything has gone terribly wrong but then you pick yourself up and write a new plan. It can be a very positive step.

Rubbish. People who let life just happen to them tend to have unfulfilling (shit) lives. Good for her.

Planning my career choice at 12 = got the grades I needed while my peers were drifting and regretted it the moment they left school when they found out that 'up all night partying every day' didn't help them up the job ladder

Planning my area of choice to live in = having saved all my pocket/ birthday/ Christmas money and money from a part-time job to be able to move the moment I left school = best thing I ever did

Planning to move out the moment I left school from the age of 15 = knowing my way around a household (cooking, washing, cleaning) by the time I left school, unlike most of my peers

Planning to cash in on my talents = opportunities being thrown my way, because I actively improved my talents and sought out opportunities, rather than just waiting for them to happen

Planning my love life = ensuring that I could be the best I was when I wanted to be and having a clear vision of who I wanted in my life

I've always been a planner in an environment of drifters. When I was young I had a lot of people like some posters here telling me it's all pointless, life doesn't work like that and I'd fail spectacularly.

Were there hurdles? Countless ones, but a plan helped me stick to doing what I wanted and taking the long-term vision with everything I did.

I've achieved every life goal I ever set myself and the reason that my career, home life and family life are where they are now is because I don't believe that life happens to me, but that I can have a significant influence on it, despite whatever comes up.

We can't change other people, but we can change ourselves - there is a lot of power in the latter. Believing anything else just makes you miserable.

I have always had/have a plan. Obviously shit happens and plans need to flex and adjust but pretty much all going along nicely for the last 20+ years.

@MrsC I agree with you. I think vague goals is fine if you know what you want to aim for (although I never had these, in my early twenties I couldn't even tell you where I wanted to be next week let alone five years) but planning to such a micro degree seems bizarre to me because life is unpredictable and I also err on the side of spontenaity so I can't relate to that at all. In my early to mid twenties I'd simply get an idea in my head of where I wanted to be next and throw myself into making it happen, so I'd react as my ideas and desires formed rather than having them planned out. Now I'm a bit older I have more of a long-term idea but it's still vague and I'm flexible, and this attitude hasn't done me any harm - career and finances are in a place I'm happy with and the dreams I have for the next year or two are achieveable. After that, who knows! I can't predict how I'll feel or what I'll want in 5/10 years

My first response is negative when I think of life plans, because it all seems so smug and pat, and maybe I am a romantic because I don't believe that you can plan to fall in love.

BUT.. with career, I certainly wish I had planned more or planned at all and I do agree with the person who said that you have to take yourself seriously in order to have a life plan and maybe I never could take myself seriously enough.

On reflection, I see now that it's probably best to have a plan, or what maybe some would call aims or aspirations.

I think it’s a brilliant idea to life plan.

I managed to achieve all of my goals that I’d set out to by the time I was 30, and within the time frame too.

It gave me such direction, and meeting my goals gave me more confidence to write more targets for the future. I’m a real planner though, and plan and organise most things.

Well Lennon wrote

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans"

I'm 46, disabled, mentally ill, on benefits, not likely to be working any time soon.

At 20 I was with exh, almost finished my nurse training, he was in the army. I planned to finish my nurse training, do a year as a newbie, then work toward becoming a health visitor. Intending to be married and have first child before 30.

Instead I found I hated working within the nhs but enjoyed geriatric care so went to work in private nursing homes. This was partly due to by now being married to now ex.

We then decided to ttc, I'd already had one mc at 18. But I got ill which put that on hold, then he was in ME for 6 months which made it tricky, when he got back relationship wasn't great. Eventually things settled and we cracked on.

Fell pregnant fairly quickly, mc again. Complex mc meant I was in hospital several weeks, 3 surgeries. Diagnosis of gynae condition. Ttc put on hold so that could be treated.

Tried again! Fell with dd. Had her aged almost 29 so scraped that part of the plan in.

During pregnancy found out I have a rare life threatening condition that only flares in late pregnancy. So that kiboshed the plan for at least 3 DC.

Ex cheated - that kiboshed the 'plan' of staying married and not being a Lp.

I was at uni retraining for a new more child friendly career at the time. Tough doing uni as a Lp but did it.

Was heading to job interview following uni, stopped at red light, hit from behind by another driver. Now disabled as a result, that kiboshed the rest of that year for pretty much anything!

As a result of the car crash became mentally ill which buggered the career I had planned.

Managed to get full time work after treatment in I thought a good company - more senior colleague was a nightmare which meant mental health stuff resurfaced.

I 'planned' for that to be temporary.

Then a series of more crap too outing to post happened, but included dd also being diagnosed with a disability, which meant she had to give up several much beloved hobbies and she needed support and had tons of hospital appointments to be dealt with.

So now my mental health is shit, my disability is really making me feel my age, and dd is a teen which has its own challenges.

I'm seen by many I think as very cynical now, I didn't used to be. I try to be optimistic but find it very hard.

But at 20 you should be optimistic, have dreams and ambitions. But I think if you have things set in stone (In your mind) you are likely to be disappointed, life requires flexibility, the ability to be adaptive which unfortunately I seem to lack.

A pp says they have OCD, that's my main MI, so I wonder if it's to do with that. At least partly.

Doing some planning is sensible. I think the problem comes - and this shines through in some posts above - when the belief arises that a plan a) is enough and b) is solely responsible for someone's good fortune. It's a bit like the 'I worked hard for my success' thing that does not acknowledge the role of privilege, good fortune, a leg up in other ways, and leaves others who have worked equally hard but not gained conventional 'success' (generally = money) feeling inadequate or worse. Ultimately it makes for a harsh, uncompassionate society when we believe that everything can be planned and anyone who has fallen on hard times/been bowled over by one of life's curve balls just hasn't planned/worked hard enough. I also think the notion of a 'life plan' as 20 or younger is quite symptomatic of a certain tendency in our society which prizes material success and showing the world one has made it over flexibility, adaptation and self-discovery (which we as humans will need in the future if/when everything goes tits up with climate change et al).

I say this as someone who is doing fairly well. But largely through flexibility and adaptation, rather than 'planning'.

On another thread I posted regarding certain folk not acknowledging the luck they've had, re the 'I worked hard for my success myth' I also posted the following

digitalsynopsis.com/inspiration/privileged-kids-on-a-plate-pencilsword-toby-morris/

Which I think illustrates it as a myth well.

There's also

www.ted.com/talks/paul_piff_does_money_make_you_mean

Which you may find interesting.

I agree also how 'success' is quantified is up for debate.

I was an 80's teen who thought you had to 'have it all' who once married with a child realised that actually meant 'doing it all' mainly because the bulk of childcare and housework is STILL left to women.

I was in a situation where I lost a lot financially/materially. Seemed a nightmare at the time but it really taught me that 'stuff' matters far less than health, those you love and happiness.

I would normally have said yes you are being unreasonable and that people should plan their life, but then I was extremely ill earlier this year which has completely turned my life on its head. In light of that I think that people should play the curve balls life throws you!

I've always just drifted along, but I wish I'd done more financial planning.

If I'd known at 20 that I'd develop bloody awful arthritis and that the pension age was going to rise to 66 for women, I'd have stayed in the public sector and been able to retire at 60, or possibly earlier.

Instead, I've got to struggle along for another 3 years, but at least my job is a fulfilling one, the mortgage is paid off and I'm very happy generally.

I've built a staggeringly successful adulthood on fortitude, underpreparation and not leaving myself nearly enough time, so I probably lean more towards your way of thinking. My career has been a series of promotions which happened to be in the right place when I was, and six years ago I bought a church to convert into a house on the spur of the moment purely because I saw it for sale in a newspaper. Also, my life would have been quite lacking in all the things I love about it if I'd stuck to the sort of linear, probably reasonably mundane plan I imagine the average 20-year-old conceives adulthood should be about. There are more things in heaven and earth than I imagined I might be doing with my adulthood when I was a teenager.

Yes, some sort of directional outline is probably beneficial if you have very fixed views of specific things you want from life - marriage, kids etc - but conversely the only person I know who has such very fixed views about how she wants her life to turn out appears to be perpetually frustrated and restless because sometimes you can't just make things happen when you want them too - kids and marriage being a case in point.

I wish my DS21 had a blooming life plan.

I think its a nice idea to make a plan, as long as your fully prepared for it not to work out that way! Life has other ideas sometimes, often!

I've only every known one person to make a '5 year plan' that actually worked out...the next 5 years didn't!

Short term 'goals' are a better way I think....'In a year I want to have achieved (this)'...and go from there...

I made a list of things I wanted to do in life when I was a teenager and have broadly been able to tick them off. Sometimes I wish these had been more financially savvy rather than travel/experience based though! I've just had a milestone birthday and this thread has inspired me to create a 10 year plan.

Naive? Goodness me no! Good for her. Goals and ambitions, wants and desires. You need some flexibility aswell. Sounds like common sense to me. Shocked OP sees it otherwise.

In my experience, to plan your life, could lead to major disappointment, illness can often hit like a bolt from the blue and change expectations and the way you planned to live your life. Just because you write things on paper it doesn’t mean they will happen!