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Original poster

To consider forgiving fiancé for sexting another woman?

105 replies

CobaltRose · 23/05/2018 16:18

Hi everyone. I am utterly heartbroken and have no idea what to do.

Bit of background: I am 21 (will be 22 in a few days, happy birthday to me Sad) and my fiancé is 23. We've been together for 18 months, engaged since December, and living together since March. I thought our relationship was perfect, and I love him dearly.

I sadly suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago which devastated both of us, but we emerged from it seemingly stronger than ever (at least I thought so).

Around four weeks ago (so around two weeks after my miscarriage) a woman, who my partner claimed was his cousin, sent me a screenshot on Facebook of what looked to be a sexually explicit message my partner had sent to her. However, she claimed that it looked like my partner's account was hacked and not to worry about it. Indeed, the writing didn't seem to be like his usual style and he also claimed that his account was hacked. Not having any reason to disbelieve him, I (perhaps naively) bought their story. He also proceeded to delete his Facebook account, so that gave me even more reason to believe him. He also gave me his phone to look at, and there was nothing suspicious on it.

Fast forward to today, and this same woman has messaged me to confess that his account wasn't actually hacked, they aren't actually cousins but exes, and that he has been sending her explicit messages and pictures for the whole of our relationship. She claims that she felt guilty after I had a miscarriage and didn't want to lie to me anymore. They haven't done anything physically and she hasn't sexted him back (she is in a new relationship).

She also says that he hasn't messaged her since he deleted his Facebook account and is genuinely sorry. I've sent him an angry text message (he's currently at work) demanding the truth and he's admitted to sexting her once, but denied it was going on throughout the relationship. He's begging me to forgive him and says he loves me, but I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Even his ex is saying he made a mistake, genuinely loves me, and should be given another chance, but I don't know wether to believe her when she says it was happening throughout the relationship or him when he says it only happened once.

This is my first serious relationship. I love him so much but am utterly heartbroken. Sad

Sorry if this is rambling and doesn't make much sense, but I am so shocked and sad.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 24/05/2018 13:18

Starts to make you wonder if there's something wrong with me....

One way to reassure yourself that it isn't you, is to find a partner who treats you well, you know, a decent human being. It isn't you, unless you forgive him and take him back. That sends the message that its isn't that bad, that you are prepared to put up with it. Your choice.

autumnleaf1 · 24/05/2018 13:19

Stay strong OP. There are lovely men out there; you don't need to settle for this loser. Focus on yourself, go out, have fun. Life is wonderful, go and enjoy it!

Original poster
CobaltRose · 24/05/2018 13:22

Thank you everyone. His mum is shocked and disgusted but is also saying "But he loves you..." Perhaps, but he still cheated.

I'm feeling really bloody angry today. I mean, how DARE he do this to me?! I've been nothing but 100% faithful to him and he just shits on me. I still love him but right now I'm seething with rage. I'm finding his pleadings boring and pathetic. I've told my best friend and she wants to kick his teeth in...

OP posts:
amusedbush · 24/05/2018 13:26

His mum is shocked and disgusted but is also saying "But he loves you..."

But he obviously doesn't respect you. Don't take him back - it won't get any better.

Original poster
CobaltRose · 24/05/2018 13:27

I haven't even told my mum yet because she really would batter him. Th

OP posts:
Original poster
CobaltRose · 24/05/2018 13:28

Oops, pressed post too soon.

But yeah, lying is inherently disrespectful Sad

OP posts:
Juells · 24/05/2018 13:29

@Popc0rn

I wouldn't trust what this woman says tbh. She sounds bat sht. And a nasty cow to be sending you all this now.*

Better now than later. And why wouldn't you trust what she say? He's admitted 'doing it once' - the once, coincidentally, of the screenshot. Of course he's been doing it, and will again with some other random woman he meets up with online.

Martinimonster · 24/05/2018 13:29

I admire you for having the strength to not take him back.
I was in your shoes once and went on to have his baby. Looking back I was very young and nieve.
He's still a cheat and cheating on everyone. I have a wonderful partner of 7 years who I trust completely and believe me it took a long time to trust again.
Go and live your life and enjoy yourself.

People like him will probably shack up with someone quickly so be prepared for that but just remember what a twat he is.

BadTasteFlump · 24/05/2018 13:31

Starts to make you wonder if there's something wrong with me....

The only thing 'wrong' with you is that you set the bar too low.

Stay strong. Tell yourself every day you deserve to be with somebody who treats you with respect, decency and honesty. He's proven that person isn't him.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 24/05/2018 13:32

I'm glad you've found your anger OP. I understand you are hurting, but imagine a couple of years down the line, when you've forgiven him, and he shits on you again ..... stay away from him Sweet, he's crying because he's been found out, and he's ashamed.
There is someone out there worthy of your devotion, but not that lying rat. Stay strong.💐

diddl · 24/05/2018 13:33

"says he loves me,"

I just can't square that with sexting someone.

You deserve much better, Op.

farine · 24/05/2018 13:34

I think you should tell your mum as soon as you can, you need someone in real life on your side supporting you and reminding you that this is the right decision.

You are worth so much more than having someone cheat on you.

Hold out for someone who thinks you are as precious to them as they are to you.

BasilFaulty · 24/05/2018 13:39

Oh OP four years ago almost to the day I could have written your exact same post (and actually did create one very similar here, try and find it)

I'm not going to lie to you. This will be one of the hardest things you've ever had to go through in your life. It took me a good year and a half to get over it.
You're right when you talk about your heart and your head - it takes a while for your heart to catch up with what your head already knows.

This will not get better.

Your relationship will never be the same again.

He is not who you thought he was.

Please do your future self a favour and bite the bullet now. Your future self will thank you for it.

The best decision I ever made (eventually) was to leave. My heart broke into a million pieces and I was writing exactly the same things you are.

And yet here I am, four years on, with a man who respects and loves me, an amazing new career and a new house.

I promise you you can do this. Flowers

Bluesmartiesarebest · 24/05/2018 13:45

You need to block his number and block him from social media (not just unfriend him). Consider whether you need to block his mum and other family/friends too. It’s much easier to move on once you aren’t getting messages from an ex.

Tinkobell · 24/05/2018 13:49

I'd say end it or at least split for a while .....a physical break. Marriage should be a whole hearted life long commitment through thick and thin. You've already had a heart break and he's fallen short on you. Life later on will be tough...it is for everyone, raising babies, money, having time for each other. Suggest counselling ......see how he reacts to that?! if he loves you enough and is utterly committed he'd jump at that opportunity and confess the lot. Personally I think you do deserve better. Good luck xxx

AnnieAnoniMouser · 24/05/2018 13:51

Also, be warned that your Mum might want to batter him initially (I’d let her at the lying bastard...along with your best friend!). However, it’s really common for people around you to want you to forgive the cheat and stay together because they want an instant fix to your unhappiness with the least disruption. They MEAN well, but it’s NOT the way forward.

If he’s doing this now, he will certainly do it once your married and knee deep in nappies.

You’re worth SO much more than a lifetime of this and no matter what he SAYS it’s what you’d be signing up for if you took him back.

It’s absolutely fucking AWFUL to go through, but it’s FAR better to be doing it now, after a couple of years, than in 8 years time with a couple of small kiddies.

Sending you a HUGE HUG & lots of strength to resist his pleading.

Hideandgo · 24/05/2018 13:54

You’ve made the single biggest decision that will avoid ruining your life. Stay strong. It will be VERY worth it.

Tiddlywinks63 · 24/05/2018 14:04

He's a grubby sleaze op, and only grovelling because he's been caught out.
You'll never trust him again so don't even countenance having him back.
Flowers

Fortysix · 24/05/2018 14:07

My wise friend told me there are just FIVE pivotal decisions in your whole life and what you do on these five days shapes your entire future.

Yesterday was one of those life changing days for you.

You did the right thing Flowers and a month from now you will feel a whole lot better. Concentrate on being kind to yourself.

HuckfromScandal · 24/05/2018 14:12

Please stay strong.
Well done you.
And be kind to yourself.
I wish that I had had your strength at 22.

HoppingPavlova · 24/05/2018 14:26

I hate to say it but what he’s really upset about is that he has been caught out. If he hadn’t have been caught he would still happily be at it and you would be trotting after him none the wiser.

altiara · 24/05/2018 14:48

Stay strong OP!

timeisnotaline · 24/05/2018 14:53

Tell his mum that you are sure you can find someone who loves you and won’t cheat on you, that is the kind of love you are after.

Weezol · 24/05/2018 15:02

Use that anger in a positive way - block on your phone and remove him from any social media. You deserve the time and space to process your feelings about all this.

He can't even let you have a few days peace because it's all about him, isn't it? It's further proof of his utter disrespect for you.

Porridgeprincess · 24/05/2018 15:32

His mother has his interests at heart, and her son is upset and she wants to make his booboo go away. I would probably cut contact with her.

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