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Original poster

To consider forgiving fiancé for sexting another woman?

105 replies

CobaltRose · 23/05/2018 16:18

Hi everyone. I am utterly heartbroken and have no idea what to do.

Bit of background: I am 21 (will be 22 in a few days, happy birthday to me Sad) and my fiancé is 23. We've been together for 18 months, engaged since December, and living together since March. I thought our relationship was perfect, and I love him dearly.

I sadly suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago which devastated both of us, but we emerged from it seemingly stronger than ever (at least I thought so).

Around four weeks ago (so around two weeks after my miscarriage) a woman, who my partner claimed was his cousin, sent me a screenshot on Facebook of what looked to be a sexually explicit message my partner had sent to her. However, she claimed that it looked like my partner's account was hacked and not to worry about it. Indeed, the writing didn't seem to be like his usual style and he also claimed that his account was hacked. Not having any reason to disbelieve him, I (perhaps naively) bought their story. He also proceeded to delete his Facebook account, so that gave me even more reason to believe him. He also gave me his phone to look at, and there was nothing suspicious on it.

Fast forward to today, and this same woman has messaged me to confess that his account wasn't actually hacked, they aren't actually cousins but exes, and that he has been sending her explicit messages and pictures for the whole of our relationship. She claims that she felt guilty after I had a miscarriage and didn't want to lie to me anymore. They haven't done anything physically and she hasn't sexted him back (she is in a new relationship).

She also says that he hasn't messaged her since he deleted his Facebook account and is genuinely sorry. I've sent him an angry text message (he's currently at work) demanding the truth and he's admitted to sexting her once, but denied it was going on throughout the relationship. He's begging me to forgive him and says he loves me, but I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Even his ex is saying he made a mistake, genuinely loves me, and should be given another chance, but I don't know wether to believe her when she says it was happening throughout the relationship or him when he says it only happened once.

This is my first serious relationship. I love him so much but am utterly heartbroken. Sad

Sorry if this is rambling and doesn't make much sense, but I am so shocked and sad.

OP posts:
CollectingCoins · 24/05/2018 11:47

You’re right not to trust him again
He lied she was his cousin
Lied he was hacked
He’s lying that he only messaged her once. Wasn’t there several messages in the screenshots she sent initially?
I’d bet good money they have slept together as well. No way ex is allowing 18 months if unreciprocated messages. That’s stalking she’d be down to police.
He’s a cheating scum bag. You’re well rid do not marry and have kids with him.

Original poster
CobaltRose · 24/05/2018 12:35

Hi everyone. He's grovelling, promising to go to counselling, saying how much he loves me... it's so hard to not reply. I'm still heartbroken and I still love him. Sad

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/05/2018 12:38

Stay strong OP.

Remember that this little worm was sexting another woman, two weeks after you had a miscarriage.

Find your anger. He deserves it!

Nagsnovalballs · 24/05/2018 12:38

Hold strong. He fucked up YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. There is no coming back from that. It wasn’t one little mistake, one little error: your whole relationship was fraudulent as he was cheating the entire time.

You are well out of it. Words are nothing, actions are what count.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/05/2018 12:39

Please block him so you don't have to listen to his grovelling.

Porridgeprincess · 24/05/2018 12:43

I hope you have some good friends or family around you to help you now as you need the support. But I think there is some comfort in knowing you did the right thing as well.

I agree with the previous poster who said that if he had come to you with this himself as opposed to denying it then admitting to a bit of it then you would know that his intentions were to allow you make the decision and not him relaying whats sounds the least worst so that he isn't the one who has to deal with the pain of a break up.

You sound strong and obviously value yourself more than this

I am very sorry for your loss also. This has not been an easy time for you.

Porridgeprincess · 24/05/2018 12:45

Oh yes, of course he is grovelling but this is to make himself feel better as he is obviously feeling pain now.
I would tell him to respect you and leave you think for a week or so and to not badger you.
You will then have had a full week behind you and while you may miss him, you will also have had a break from him and his pestering, then tell him to leave you be full stop.

SomeKnobend · 24/05/2018 12:46

What does he think counselling is? He lied and cheated the whole time, even when his ex exposed his messaging, they concocted a lie together and he lied through his teeth to carry on getting away with it. He's gutted he got found out. He's not sorry he did it, that's who he is through and through.

CluedoAddict · 24/05/2018 12:48

Don't cave in OP. You will never be at ease knowing what he did.

Astella22 · 24/05/2018 12:48

I'm so sorry for you loss OPFlowers , a miscarriage is devastating. IT takes time to heal emotionally afterwards.

Your other half sounds young and immature. You are doing the right thing so try stay strong. Think about your future children and the life they deserve with two parents happy and committed. Not one with this joker who trots out the "only once" lie and even at that its only because you have irrefutable evidence. Move on and find the partner who will treat you like his queen. Such men do exist I promise.

3333hh44 · 24/05/2018 12:49

I suspect that he was stringing her along and then withdrew a bit with your pregnancy/miscarriage. She sent that text in the hope you would finish things, but not make boyfriend too angry, and then she got angry when it didn't work out like that and he deleted facebook. It was only then she told you the whole truth. She is a woman scorned.

However, he sexted at least once, possibly more, and what is worse lied about it. He does not deserve a second chance. He is a scumbag.
The lying is worse to me than the actual sexting.

Storminateapot · 24/05/2018 12:51

Yes they all sib and grovel and swear they will spend the rest of their lives making it up to you yadda yadda. He will be attentive and lovely for a while, but once things settle back down to the mundanity of everyday life his treacherous eyes will be on the hunt again. The difference will be that you've given him the message that you will forgive such fuckery if he's clever enough.

Sorry, I'm projecting again. But it seems my experience is not unique. If you want to give him another chance at least slow down wedding plans until you're on a more secure footing & he's proved himself (he won't).

So sorry for you, it hurts so much I know.

Storminateapot · 24/05/2018 12:52

*sob

Huskylover1 · 24/05/2018 12:53

Seems weird for him to send ONE random sext, without any encouragement from her. Surely there was a back and forth dialogue? Seems like she wants to stop it now, because she has a new boyfriend. I can see that she would have deleted the messages, as she won't want her new boyfriend seeing them.

Gloryificus · 24/05/2018 12:54

He loves you after he's been caughtHmm
You were miscarrying and when you needed his support the most he showed exactly how little he loved or cared about you by selfishly sexting someone else.
He can go to counselling all he wants to teach himself how to respect any future partners.
Block him and look after yourself if he wants to sort himself out let him do it on his own time for himself.
You personally don't need to be his support during his break up (self inflicted due to his own chosen behaviour)
You've drawn you line in same and he disrespected that boundary

Waggingmyginger · 24/05/2018 12:56

He can't be honest. Cheaters lie to everyone including themselves. You deserve better. He wants someone who is faithful and there for him no matter what, but without returning that. Run.

Bluebell878275 · 24/05/2018 12:56

As horrible as this is you've got to remember - He CHOSE to do this. It wasn't a mistake or an accident. He CHOSE to look outside of your relationship for a sexual kick. He then CHOSE to lie about it in the first instance. He will do this again. Time to start your life anew Flowers

whymewhyme · 24/05/2018 13:01

Please get rid of him, if he's doing it now 18 months in then he will do it again. Your still so lovely and young don't put up with any shit! You deserve better!

SnowOnTheSeine · 24/05/2018 13:01

Well done for chucking him out, now stay strong!

You are early twenties. Far too young to be going to couples counselling!

At this age, with no DC, it should all be fun and laughter.

WizardOfToss · 24/05/2018 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Herwhogivestoomanyfucks · 24/05/2018 13:06

Hi op, this excat same thing happened with me! I chucked him out he did the whole begging thing I caved and within a month he'd began lying again. He clearly had issues! I thought I'd never get over it, will spend the rest of my life alone (I was the same age as you at the time) but sticking it out was the best thing ever. He met someone instantly and they were in love blah blah blah, I enjoyed my single life. Went on girls holidays, always on nights out and eventually moved back home. I'm now married and expecting our first baby in four weeks, I have absolutely no regrets what so ever. Things really do improve you just have to roll with the bad times first x

Cathena · 24/05/2018 13:06

Stay strong OP!! Time heals all wounds, and when you are older you will be so glad you did it.

My sister is about your age and she has twice gone back to a bad boyfriend. She is currently with him and it’s causing no end of pain to the family. I am 30 and getting married next year to the most wonderful man. I am trying to make her see that if I had stayed with my boyfriend from when I was 22 that I would never have met my fiancé, but she blindly barrels on. I wish she had one iota of your strength. Well done you- your future looks bright.

Thisnamechanger · 24/05/2018 13:12

You're my hero OP! I was you nearly a decade ago I I wasn't strong enough to kick him out. I wasted SEVEN WHOLE YEARS thinking I was a paranoid nutbag wondering what he was up to. Turns out I wasn't paranoid. You've done the right thing.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 24/05/2018 13:12

Oh you poor thing 💐

I really, really suggest you stay STRONG and do NOT take him back. They do a good line at crying & grovelling and it’s SO easy to take them back, but many years and much experience later tells me that as soon as you take them back the resentment builds and before you know it they’re at it again and feel you’ll just forgive them again, you did last time....

Stay STRONG. It’s bloody hard but you CAN do it.

(Expect his Mum to try to get you to forgive him too, she’ll want you together not apart)

MatildaTheCat · 24/05/2018 13:14

Please block his messages, you are so vulnerable to his pathetic pleadings.

He’s a liar. Unfortunately he’s probably told you many lies.

Keep strong, grieve and you will be ok.