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Original poster

To consider forgiving fiancé for sexting another woman?

105 replies

CobaltRose · 23/05/2018 16:18

Hi everyone. I am utterly heartbroken and have no idea what to do.

Bit of background: I am 21 (will be 22 in a few days, happy birthday to me Sad) and my fiancé is 23. We've been together for 18 months, engaged since December, and living together since March. I thought our relationship was perfect, and I love him dearly.

I sadly suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago which devastated both of us, but we emerged from it seemingly stronger than ever (at least I thought so).

Around four weeks ago (so around two weeks after my miscarriage) a woman, who my partner claimed was his cousin, sent me a screenshot on Facebook of what looked to be a sexually explicit message my partner had sent to her. However, she claimed that it looked like my partner's account was hacked and not to worry about it. Indeed, the writing didn't seem to be like his usual style and he also claimed that his account was hacked. Not having any reason to disbelieve him, I (perhaps naively) bought their story. He also proceeded to delete his Facebook account, so that gave me even more reason to believe him. He also gave me his phone to look at, and there was nothing suspicious on it.

Fast forward to today, and this same woman has messaged me to confess that his account wasn't actually hacked, they aren't actually cousins but exes, and that he has been sending her explicit messages and pictures for the whole of our relationship. She claims that she felt guilty after I had a miscarriage and didn't want to lie to me anymore. They haven't done anything physically and she hasn't sexted him back (she is in a new relationship).

She also says that he hasn't messaged her since he deleted his Facebook account and is genuinely sorry. I've sent him an angry text message (he's currently at work) demanding the truth and he's admitted to sexting her once, but denied it was going on throughout the relationship. He's begging me to forgive him and says he loves me, but I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Even his ex is saying he made a mistake, genuinely loves me, and should be given another chance, but I don't know wether to believe her when she says it was happening throughout the relationship or him when he says it only happened once.

This is my first serious relationship. I love him so much but am utterly heartbroken. Sad

Sorry if this is rambling and doesn't make much sense, but I am so shocked and sad.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 23/05/2018 16:55

Well done.

I was going to join the chorus of for god's sake don't stay.

You're so young!

Yes, it's hard. But you are far too young for any of this. Get out there, have fun, DO NOT take back a man who cannot even be faithful to you at the start of your relationship.

MrsSpenserGregson · 23/05/2018 16:56

Urgh I'm so sorry, what a vile cheating pig of a man he is. Very sorry about your mc.

I was 20, nearly 21, when my first serious boyfriend cheated on me. I stayed with him for several years. During that time I had a total mental breakdown as I just could not trust him any more. Took me years to get past it.

Seriously - this is your first relationship. Don't let it set a pattern for the rest of your life. I am so sorry he has done this; he will do it again. Don't stay with him, no matter what he promises you. HE WILL DO IT AGAIN.

MrsSpenserGregson · 23/05/2018 16:57

X-post. Well done op! It's really hard but you are 100% doing the right thing.

And no - it's not you, it's them.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 23/05/2018 16:59

I think you are doing the right thing. Sexting an Ex, an actual person that he’s been with, throughout your relationship, not just once when it was early days, is a big deal. He’s never actually been in a monogamous relationship with you at any point.

Even if you were to get back together in the future, he’s got a lot to sort out. And if you just forgave him now it would be too easy for him.

He was also prepared to have a child while this was going on. And bringing in an Ex who has also lied and messed you around. It’s their mess and not any way to show love to someone.

Just take it one day at a time and consider going no contact for a month or more to get your head clear. You will know your own mind more with time. Otherwise you may end up giving in very soon and dysfunctional cycle begins. He will want you back. He did with his Ex, he will with you. Be careful.

Original poster
CobaltRose · 23/05/2018 16:59

Thank you everyone. I'm heartbroken but I know I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/05/2018 17:01

He has done this 2 weeks after you have lost your baby. He's a complete no hoper.
I guarantee you forgive for this he'll be out shagging behind your back next.
Get rid. You deserve far better.

AtrocityNeedles · 23/05/2018 17:01

You are doing the right thing. I have been there too. Best thing I did was to walk away even if it broke my heart. I'm now married to the most wonderful man.

peachgreen · 23/05/2018 17:05

You are 100% doing the right thing and don't let him persuade you otherwise.

specialsubject · 23/05/2018 17:06

well done, OP. It's easy to say 'dump' but much harder to do. But you deserve so much better.

take time to pause and heal. There's nothing wrong with you and you've done the right thing by raising your standards. Slow down next time, plenty of time. The very best to you.

MissWritenow · 23/05/2018 17:10

Bin him. It's agony right now, I know it feels like he's the love of your life but believe me, the love of your life will respect you. I was treated like this by partners when I was your age - one did worse and I wanted to stay with him. Luckily for me he dumped me a few months later (after I stayed and believed all his lies and promises) and totally broke my heart whilst humiliating me in the process. My husband, that I met at the ancient age of 35, is the love of my life. I would never have met him I'd stayed with the dick I loved at 23. My 5 year old's father messed me around at 32 before she was born despite 4 years and an engagement, she was planned. Difference is I knew what betrayal and disloyalty meant in the long term by then so he's long gone. Don't waste years learning the hard way. If you really love and respect someone you can't bring yourself to fuck them over, no matter how hot you think a third party is. Please take my advice, LTB so you are free - with a gorgeous young body and no DC by a different guy - to meet the real love of your life. I'm sorry you're going through this. You'll be surprised how quickly you begin to move on if you can be strong enough to leave him. The first month or so is horrible. After 3 you'll honestly be shocked that you ever considered settling for this ratbag. Flowers

SandyY2K · 23/05/2018 17:11

Well done for being decisive. How disgusting telling you she was his cousin.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 23/05/2018 17:18

No way would I forgive him.

If my fiancé confessed himself I may be able to move past it.

If it had been a once off, I may forgive.

But what is the chances that this was just once?

Can she provide any messages from the past 18 months to show it's been multiple timed?

I'd like to say she should e told him to fuck off but tbh a guy I knew years back has been doing the same with me (well trying to as soon as he starts talking like that I ghost him) so can understand how uncomfortable and violated it can make you feel.

I'm so sorry OP.

confusedc · 23/05/2018 17:25

It's not you so don't think that. Some people just crave attention from as many people as they can get it from. If your attention isn't enough, don't give him any.

TammySwansonTwo · 23/05/2018 17:26

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but not all relationships are like this. Not all men are like this and you don’t have to tolerate this. You’re doing the right thing. Don’t waste any more time on someone who can’t be trusted.

Barbaro · 23/05/2018 17:28

Got nothing to add other than I'm really sorry you're having to go through all of this.

fontofnoknowledge · 23/05/2018 17:31

You are 21. Was baby planned ? Please don't rush into all of this at once. I know it's hard when you meet someone you really like but please think ahead. Making children with someone you have only known for 18 months and hadn't even moved in with by the time you were already pregnant is just madness. You can't know someone well whilst just dating.

Why the hurry to do everything at break neck speed ? . Leave this sad ass. Ultimately he has no love or respect for you. His actions must surely make you see this. No one sat him down and forced him to sext another woman. He did it of his own free will. Because he CHOSE to, without a single thought for you .

Just take your time . Next person you meet, take your time. Use good , comprehensive contraceptive precautions. Do not add babies into the mix of a new relationship. They are hard enough without this. It also masks true feelings. (Is he with you because he wants to be or feels he should be because you're pregnant and doesn't want to look bad leaving a pregnant woman ?). It just doesn't give you the time or space for you BOTH to decide without pressure that you BOTH want to be with each other without pressure. Then - a few years down the line, when you are sure this is a good person. Who respects you and loves you. Think about children. But get married first. If he truly loves you he will want this for both of you because it provides a legal contract to protect your rights.

Good luck OP. This will be tough but ultimately it will make you strong enough to value yourself as you should be valued.

Puttingthefootdown · 23/05/2018 17:32

Hope you're okay OP. Please check in with us. You're doing the right thing!
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you 💓

MissWritenow · 23/05/2018 17:38

Well done, you've done the right thing for sure. Big hugs OP. Just take it one day at a time and try to stay NC for at least 30 days. It will give you your power back when you see the pathetic texts come through - or it will make you sure you've done the right thing if he gives up easily after a few weeks. Be strong.

BlankTimes · 23/05/2018 17:49

Flowers You are doing the right thing, look after yourself.

Original poster
CobaltRose · 23/05/2018 18:23

Hi everyone. No, baby was not planned (I was on the pill). He has now left for his mum's. He cried and begged and swore it only happened once and he'll never do it again, but I just cannot believe him. I feel like my heart has been stomped on but I know I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:
DailyMailClickbait · 23/05/2018 18:58

You are dong the right thing. Concentrate on being kind to yourself right now. Lean on friends and family and make sure you have plenty of support.

I'd also recommend blocking him on your phone and social media; you don't need to be hassled with begging messages etc.

LeighaJ · 23/05/2018 18:58

He lied about her being his cousin and his FB account being hacked, so it's easy to believe he's also lying about the extent of the sexting.

Once upon a time I naively believed a cheating asshole and then married him, things got much worse after that. With few exceptions I don't think cheaters ever change.

Also it is extra appalling that he did that while you were pregnant and continued sexting her as normal after the miscarriage. He is dishonest and disrespectful of your relationship and you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/05/2018 11:33

How are you this morning, Cobalt?

I hope you got some sleep.

Do you have any one you can talk to in real life?

You have done the right thing.

birdonawire1 · 24/05/2018 11:40

He’s lied throughout the relationship. ‘Only once’ is a blatant lie.
Sorry but the trust is gone. You’re better off without him.

Contrabassista · 24/05/2018 11:46

Well done OP Flowers
Living in suspicion is mental torture. You have done a really brave thing and the self respect you’ll gain from that will do you the world of good when the initial pain subsides. And it won’t take long, promise. Go out with your friends, take a trip, spoil yourself. You deserve it.