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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

the old 'splitting the bil'l with friends!?

116 replies

cutewithsharpteethpossibly · 22/05/2018 17:32

so we(me, dh & dd) went for a meal with another friend, her dh and their dd, they also brought sil. I wasn't drinking and just drank the water due to a run the next day, so there was lots of wine flowing and it was a really good night, lots of catching up and nice to meet sil. So at the end of the night my friends dh said 'lets just split the bill', which meant we paid for half of all their drinks and sil meal. Now I'm annoyed, I'm not normally mean but I just don't think it was on? I also think my DH should have just mentioned it before agreeing to pay half? Is it me, I don't mind being told if I'm being petty!

OP posts:

HotChocChick · 22/05/2018 21:48

I often go out with work colleagues and there can be 20 plus people. There is no way you can keep track on exact cost of what you've had. We tend to split the bill first then add on £2-3 for those drinking and take off £2-3 for those that didn't.

Generally those that didn't drink have more courses in my experience, so it can become as long as it's broad.

Winebottle · 22/05/2018 21:49

@FrangipaniBlue
Why is it bring it up at bill time then?

I might fancy chicken and someone else might fancy steak. I don't see why the choice of drink is different.

It is personal preference and mine is as follows. Don't be friends with piss takers, go to a restaurant you can both afford, order what you want and split it.

As I said, I see the bill as the cost of an enjoyable evening which can either be paid by either or split. Treating it as a food procurement exercise diminishes the sense of closeness to someone. It is not in the spirit of mutual generosity and demonstrates a lack of trust. It is something you would do with colleagues not friends.

Its the same with rounds in a bar. Although it works out roughly the same financially, to me buying someone a drink and getting bought one back feels different to the every man for himself approach.

If I had more, I would let the other person take the lead on how to deal with it and happily pay for what I had if needed but I wold note their tightfisted behaviour for the future.

emmyrose2000 · 22/05/2018 23:28

Winebottle
I don't like tap water drinking penny pinchers. If you are that bother about getting your money's worth, drink the bloody wine. If you can't afford wine, don't come

If you can't afford to pay for all your own wine, then don't order it.

Obviously it's never occurred to you that not everyone can or wants to drink alcohol, so why do they need to pay for your choices?

Whatshallidonowpeople · 22/05/2018 23:38

I'd hate to.go out with most of you. Just split it and stop moaning. Why didn't you say anything at the time?

BigChocFrenzy · 22/05/2018 23:45

What is it with all this bill-splitting and calculating ?
Any restaurant I've ever visited with friends either asks if the bills are to be individual, or they assume they will be.

When it comes to payment, the wait-staff always do the calculations, never us - part of earning the tip

I've been eating out for well over 40 years as an adult, in several countries, mid-price range
Have I really always gone to unusual restaurants ?

OliviaStabler · 23/05/2018 03:02

The trick is to be clear from the beginning. If you are on a tight budget or not drinking, be clear at the beginning of the meal you will only pay for what you have ordered.

tripletrouble · 23/05/2018 04:12

One of the good things about living in the US is that servers always ask if you want separate checks. It makes eating out with friends so much easier! And it’s not a big deal, it’s just done quite naturally and easily . You just tell the server whose food goes on each check.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 23/05/2018 04:20

Agree with Olivia . Just say at the beginning that you will pay separately, way less awkward.

This once happened to a friend of mine, he turned up to meet friends at a bar and they’d already been eating and drinking all day, he ordered a coffee and when the bill came, they asked him to split it! He actually did too! Unbelievable!

Murane · 23/05/2018 04:28

YANBU. I always remember an occasion when I went out for a friend's birthday in a large group and some people ordered wine and steak and liqueurs after dinner... at the time I was quite poor and had gone along with £10 in my pocket and specifically ordered within my means (pizza and a glass of tap water). At the end they suggested splitting at a cost of £25 each and I had to hand over my tenner and say that was all I had. People whinged about the total amount being short and I felt awful because the birthday girl stumped up the difference.

NewPapaGuinea · 23/05/2018 04:30

At the very least splitting the bill should have been done by 5, you pay 2/5 and they pay the rest. In our social groups if somone has not drank or only had one course, they just pay for what they had and the rest is split. Pisstake expecting them to pay the same as someone who had alcohol and 3 courses!!

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 23/05/2018 04:31

murane So why didn’t you say something so everyone would chip in?

SabineUndine · 23/05/2018 04:33

winebottle you sound like exactly the sort of person who drinks more than anyone else and expects to be subsidised.

Murane · 23/05/2018 04:40

I did. It was humiliating. I said I only had a pizza so here's a tenner, and the person collecting the money said it's £25 each. I said I only had a tenner and was then told I shouldn't have come if I couldn't afford it! I pointed out I could afford what I actually ordered and was told that paying for what you ordered wasn't "in the spirit". I think the birthday girl stumped up to avoid further awkwardness but I felt awful. Which wasn't fair because I paid for what I had! It was several years ago and I never forgot because I felt so small and unwelcome.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 23/05/2018 04:41

I mean why didn’t you say so before everyone had sat down?

Murane · 23/05/2018 04:44

If you can't afford wine, don't come
Lovely. Glad to know I'm not welcome in a group of friends if I don't have as much money as them.

emmyrose2000 · 23/05/2018 04:52

This makes me so thankful that a lot of restaurants where I live require payment upon ordering/entering. Don't pay, don't eat. Simple! It certainly weeds out cheapskates who'd otherwise take advantage of others by ordering lots of stuff and expecting their companions to subsidise it.

I'm also thankful that my friends and family aren't the sort to take advantage of others anyway when we're at restaurants where the bill comes at the end. Each person automatically pays for their own meals/drinks (unless an individual has made arrangements beforehand to pay for someone else). It makes for a very pleasant and relaxing experience.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/05/2018 04:57

Why wasn't SIL included in the splitting?

Sharkwithknees · 23/05/2018 05:03

Wine bottle is so defensive, sounds like a classic pennypincher who stuffs her face and expects everyone to subsidise it

Murane · 23/05/2018 06:17

I totally stuff myself now though. I've been burned too many times and have learned my lesson. If I have a meal with others I absolutely pig out so if they insist on splitting the bill at least I've had my share (and if we don't split I still only pay for what I had, so I can't lose).

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 23/05/2018 06:31

I don’t really drink and this pisses me off too.

I actually quite like a single glass of wine but know if I have it, I will pay for everyone else’s multiple glasses.

If you are in a budget it’s very hard.

Conversely I wouldn’t dream of asking for a split from a non drinker. murane that’s horrible

Mammalamb · 23/05/2018 06:50

Wine bottle with your attitude I’m surprised you have friends. But you are a little obsessed with wine; so I suspect you do have a bit of a problem with it

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 23/05/2018 06:59

Generall speaking I am happy to split the bill if everyone has been drinking and give or take had roughly the same menus.

It’s the vintage wine guzzlers and the ‘oh can I have the £190 stuffed panda on a bed of shredded Siberian tiger starter please’ mob who insist on splitting the bills that piss me off!

Rudgie47 · 23/05/2018 07:16

All this can be avoided if you just say that your getting and paying for your own only. OP you should have said something, not left it for your husband to do.
You could have just said, No we are just paying for ourselves tonight, and that makes it really clear. If they dont like it, so what?

Hoppinggreen · 23/05/2018 07:16

What if I can afford wine but it makes me unwell? (thanks peri menopause )
Should I never go out with friends who do drink wine winebottle?
OP, if was unfair to expect you to pay for another adult. Even if you take the alcohol out if the equation ( which I don’t think you should) there were 3 of them so of course they should have paid more. I remember going out with family and when the bill came my uncle only paid for himself and not my 18 year old working cousin as apparently he “didn’t count “ and we should all cover his meal and copious drinks. I refused and was accused of being awkward. I would have happily paid for my cousins meal if asked but the assumption annoyed me.
However, I’m of the “if you don’t speak up you can’t complain” School of thought so I think you will just have to chalk this one up to experience Op and not let it happen again

StickThatInYourPipe · 23/05/2018 07:19

I only split the bill with people I eat out with regularly as it evens out in the end. I wouldn't if the people I ate with also had wine flowing etc as I don't really drink alcohol. If I do randomly have a cocktail or something I will always pay a little more if I am the only one (I think this has happened once in my adult life) YANBU

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