to go nc with depressed friend?

[JammyLittleDodger]

I have a friend who is in her mid 30s and suffering from depression. She's had a few things happen to her in the last few weeks (break-up, hates her job, fallen out with parents) etc and is generally very low. I am pregnant for the first time, and having a stressful pregnancy. I've had numerous miscarriages before and am suffering from anxiety which I am just about keeping under control.

This particular friend is very down in the dumps and texts me often about how she can't cope. Whenever I see her she doesn't listen to a word I say and uses me as a sounding board for her problems. She is always negative, isn't supportive of my pregnancy (made comments about how my body is going to be ruined and I'm never going to sleep again, that I'm young to be having kids etc etc). I get this overall sense of jealousy and am starting to wonder why I am keeping her in my life.

AIBU and AIB am awful person to want to cut her out? I'm worried that she will do something silly, and as we work together feel obliged to report my concerns to her manager as I genuinely believe she might do something stupid, but from my side of things, I just can't deal with the negativity anymore. I don't know what to do. It's a real moral dilemma between trying to help her and being totally drained by it all, or focussing on myself to her detriment.

Nope not at all. Prioritise yourself :)

@glueandstick I'm just so worried she's going to do something stupid. I'm so drained by it all.

I had a friend like that. She had undiagnosed BPD.

A group of us were scared witless she would hurt herself. She was a colleague as well as a friend, work knew, HR were concerned, everyone was concerned etc.

I did everything I could, nothing helped and the negativity was all consuming. I got pg, I had to cut contact slowly but surely for my own sanity. She moved on to new people, didnt harm herself, and ultimately sought appropriate help and gained her dx and treatment.

I realised that she was harming me, and I needed to take care of myself first and foremost.

Just don't ghost her, try and let her down gently, don't be so responsive etc. It's ok to look out for yourself but try and be as nice as you can about it.

Tell your friend that due to your own health problems that you cannot deal with hers any more and she needs to get professional help. Then repeat that a few times before you stop answering.

She isn't your responsibility and it is ok if you withdraw a bit I would n't cut heroff but I would certainly keep some distance and probably do text contact.

I wouldn't NC. That could be very damaging to someone in dep depression. But next time you're in contact tell her that her problems seem serious and you don't feel at all able to give her the support she clearly needs, that she deserves professional support. It's also OK to tell her that when she offloads on you, it makes you feel very stressed and that you have a lot of stress yoruself. Depressed people can get deeply self-involved and think they're the only ones in the world with problems.

My DM has BPD and it is absolutely exhausting. Mental illness is not only draining on the person going through it but also the people around them and I think they are often forgotten.

OP you need to look after yourself and your baby. Your friend needs help but they need professional help. I think you need to tell them that and that you care for them but there's nothing else you can do, they need to see a professional.

I know how you feel about worrying that they'll do something. I moved in with my DM after multiple suicide attempts to try and stop her from doing it because she said she missed her children so much (we were all adults). I moved in and she still continued to try and commit suicide despite me being there with her all the time. What she needed was professional help and don't put the pressure on yourself.

What I'm trying to say and probably putting it really badly is that my DM still harmed herself whether I was there for her or not and the same will be of your friend.

Have you said to her that you think she needs to go and see her GP?

Has she threatened suicide before OP?

It sounds hard for you as you have a lot going on yourself but I'm not sure how you can go NC with her if you work together?

She's spoken to her gp. I've acted as a sounding board. I've encouraged her to get help and she just doesn't get better. She's just confided now that she's thought about suicide. What do I do? I'm so out of my depth

I would encourage her to maybe phone Samaritans on 116 123 or email [email protected]. say things like I am really sorry to hear you are feeling so down and then offer the number Itsounds so difficult you don't want to sound condescending to her or you don't care but only offer as much of yourself that you can cope with.

Do you have the same boss?

@GreatDuckCookery we dont. We work in different departments.

I've spoken to her manager. She made a declaration to me that she's seriously thinking about ending it all. I am not a manager, I don't know how to deal with this, I'm anxious about my pregnancy and am stressed already. I didn't know what else to do. If our friendship suffers then so be it however at least I have acted on my concerns. I only did it because I care. Please reassure me I haven't done the wrong thing? Her manager has informed me that I did absolutely the right thing but I can't help but feel there will be a big backlash.

You've 100% done the right thing Jammy, she may not see it now but she will one day.

You've done the right thing. Now distance yourself! You're busy, too tired to meet, etc. Your friend will hopefully get support now. Ultimately she's responsible for her decisions

You've done the right thing

You did the right thing, she needs professional help. It is very difficult bring around someone with mental health issues especially if they won't seek any help. It's not her fault but hopefully her manager gets her the help she needs. I would also explain to her that you are unwell and cannot be her crutch and point her to mind/Samaritans

Someone killing themself is never your fault.
Yes you did the right thing. Now you can back off without guilt. I had a bpd friend, gave all of myself and more. Mistake. Then she kicked off because i wouldnt spend my one day off travelling to hers.
I went no contact after that.

You could also inform her GP. The Samaritans will contact someone, who is at risk of Suicide, they will keep you anonymous.

If there is an immediate risk, ever, the Police are appropriate.

You are at a vulnerable stage in your life and it is easy to get dragged in, but you did what you could to keep her safe.

Well done OP. You've done what you can. Now look after yourself

Thanks all. Feeling strange about it all...

The sad reality is that people who genuinely intend to kill themselves just do it. People who intend to manipulate and control others through threats of suicide just do it. There is nothing you can do. It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility to cure it. I spent 30+ years living with my bpd mother's behaviours and I ended up going nc because I simply couldn't take any more. I had to make that break for my own mh and the mh of my children. You get a lot of "you don't know what they're going through" which is a genuine statement but the family and friends of those with mh problems are not sacrificial lambs. Yanbu to want to prioritise your own health and the health of your baby. You sound like you're doing all you can.

Youve done right.
You need to focus on your pregnancy and the positivity it brings not get brought doen by someone jealous who isnt even bothered about you

Thanks everyone. What a day

There is a rule on aeroplanes that you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help anyone else. Although it sounds hard, in situations like this you need to put yourself and the health of your baby first. You've been a good friend, but now she needs professional help.