to go nc with depressed friend?

[JammyLittleDodger]

I have a friend who is in her mid 30s and suffering from depression. She's had a few things happen to her in the last few weeks (break-up, hates her job, fallen out with parents) etc and is generally very low. I am pregnant for the first time, and having a stressful pregnancy. I've had numerous miscarriages before and am suffering from anxiety which I am just about keeping under control.

This particular friend is very down in the dumps and texts me often about how she can't cope. Whenever I see her she doesn't listen to a word I say and uses me as a sounding board for her problems. She is always negative, isn't supportive of my pregnancy (made comments about how my body is going to be ruined and I'm never going to sleep again, that I'm young to be having kids etc etc). I get this overall sense of jealousy and am starting to wonder why I am keeping her in my life.

AIBU and AIB am awful person to want to cut her out? I'm worried that she will do something silly, and as we work together feel obliged to report my concerns to her manager as I genuinely believe she might do something stupid, but from my side of things, I just can't deal with the negativity anymore. I don't know what to do. It's a real moral dilemma between trying to help her and being totally drained by it all, or focussing on myself to her detriment.

Gosh. This is such a common issue. I can't believe how many people are going through or have been through the same. Thanks for the support everyone. I'm such a worrier. Shame I can't have a glass of wine!

You are doing absolutely the right thing OP. You are not equipped to deal with her or the amount of support she requires, and she is not a friend to you.

I had to go no contact with my oldest friend who I had known since school. Looking back she has never been a good friend but I had such low self esteem I put up with it for 30 years.

In recent years she began to text me a lot. She has depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia, all of which I was massively sympathetic and supportive with, but she also has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (not the same as OCD) which made her a horrible, judgmental, self-involved monster. She would criticise anything good I had in my life, saying how she would do things differently and how she didn't like whatever it was. If you look up OCPD that's exactly her. She refuses to engage with any help with her mental health because she feels that the way she is is the right way to be and everyone else is wrong.

I have MS myself which she was never sympathetic about or interested in, and she was causing me great stress and exhausting me. I felt a great weight lift when I eventually cut her off. I admit I do sometimes think about her killing herself - but I couldn't help her anyway. Maybe my going nc prompted her to seek the help she needs?

OneStepSideways phrase is perfect. Just answer all texts with 'Sorry, I don't feel up to it today/right now.' Keep saying that. You honestly don't need to feel anxious or guilty about any of this. She is not your responsibility. If she does - worst case - attempt to take her own life, that has nothing at all to do with you or how you react to her. She'll barely register you as a person in her own right with her own needs. She's too far gone. She needs professional help and you need a complete break from being her support.

Think of it this way: Who do you want to be focuse don in 12 months time? Your new baby or your selfish,d emanding colleague? What about in five years time? your child or the endless complaints of your 'friend'? You have a new person in your life who really does deserve your attention and really will need you on top form to keep them alive. And they are your responsibility. So get yourself in good shape - destressed and positive, in preparation. No shame in that.

I don't know if they still do this but The Samaritans used to have a kind of 'flying squad' who would go out to talk down people who were suicidal. Might be worth calling them to tell them about your friend?