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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go nc with depressed friend?

54 replies

JammyLittleDodger · 22/05/2018 14:34

I have a friend who is in her mid 30s and suffering from depression. She's had a few things happen to her in the last few weeks (break-up, hates her job, fallen out with parents) etc and is generally very low. I am pregnant for the first time, and having a stressful pregnancy. I've had numerous miscarriages before and am suffering from anxiety which I am just about keeping under control.

This particular friend is very down in the dumps and texts me often about how she can't cope. Whenever I see her she doesn't listen to a word I say and uses me as a sounding board for her problems. She is always negative, isn't supportive of my pregnancy (made comments about how my body is going to be ruined and I'm never going to sleep again, that I'm young to be having kids etc etc). I get this overall sense of jealousy and am starting to wonder why I am keeping her in my life.

AIBU and AIB am awful person to want to cut her out? I'm worried that she will do something silly, and as we work together feel obliged to report my concerns to her manager as I genuinely believe she might do something stupid, but from my side of things, I just can't deal with the negativity anymore. I don't know what to do. It's a real moral dilemma between trying to help her and being totally drained by it all, or focussing on myself to her detriment.

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyLittleDodger · 22/05/2018 21:19

Thank you. I'm so drained!

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 23/05/2018 00:07

You 100% did the right thing. Smile

Your priority at the moment is your baby /pregnancy. If cutting off an emotional vampire is the way to do that, then it's more than the right decision. It's the only (logical) decision. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is very boring. Flowers

OutofSyncGirl · 23/05/2018 00:11

I do think you’ve done the right thing. If she is as ill as you say then she probably shouldn’t be at work either.

Unfortunately none of us can fix other people and this woman needs to see that she needs help.

Justaboy · 23/05/2018 00:21

The sad reality is that people who genuinely intend to kill themselves just do it

Very true. However poor you and poor friend. Mental ilnness is a sod of a thing to have and treat. I think you have done about as much as you can, its a bugger sometimes getting someone who is ill to seek help and even admit sometimes they have a problem. Yes it is very draining I lived with a parther who had manic depression for several years but if you have tried to get her to see a professional and she won't do that then you have done as miuch as anyone expects.

Emmyrose. I'd just respectfully ask you to be a little bit more understanding of someone who is mentally ill, be thankfull as i'm sure you are your not so afflicted thanks..

emmyrose2000 · 23/05/2018 04:08

Justaboy
I have every sympathy and understanding for someone dealing with MH issues, however, that does not give them carte blanche to dump all over other people. OP appears to have gone out of her way to help her friend but sometimes enough is enough.

Zoflorabore · 23/05/2018 05:53

Hi op, before I say what i need to, I will state that I too have MH issues ( aswell as physical limitations ) but have never been depressed or suicidal and I have severe anxiety.

What you have done is the absolute right thing. You have probably helped her more than you will ever realise.

I try very hard to limit discussion on how my anxiety makes me feel as it's so bloody draining to me and I know it can affect others.
Negativity catches sometimes :)

Your pregnancy is the most important thing in your life and this has to be protected at all costs, anxiety and stress is really horrible as you know and you've got to look after number one ( without meaning to sound selfish )

I have a friend like yours, I don't think she intends to harm herself and I hope I'm right but it does affect our friendship when you constantly feel like a sounding board for their problems. It's a two way thing.

The best friends are those who listen, you have proved that by listening and acting upon what she has told you.
You can't do any more than that.

Very best of luck for your pregnancy Flowers

hadenough · 23/05/2018 06:08

No you're not but I understand the concern/worries.

I had a friend who had BPD and in the end I had to distance myself - the endless negativity started to bring me down and I had to make a decision. If it wasn't about her she didn't care...

Original poster
JammyLittleDodger · 23/05/2018 09:03

Thanks all. I haven't heard from her since and not sure how to gradually reduce contact. The idea of her phoning me makes me incredibly anxious. Very stressful times. Hopefully I can reduce my stress and anxiety levels a little now!

OP posts:
chavtasticfirebanger · 23/05/2018 09:06

Dont contact her. Dont ignore her-simple responses each time, dont get dragged in to the negativity.

Original poster
JammyLittleDodger · 23/05/2018 11:20

@chavtasticfirebanger argh. I feel so guilty. I just can't do it anymore it's so toxic.

OP posts:
chavtasticfirebanger · 23/05/2018 11:26

It gets better. Perhaps you have rescuer/codependency issues?! Its fine not to help someone who doesnt take responsibility for their own issues xx

mazz9305 · 23/05/2018 11:33

Hi,

I actually have been diagnosed with traits of BPD myself and to be honest before I was aware I am pretty sure I acted in a similar way to your friend. It's extremely difficult and coming from somebody who has severe issues with abandonment it's hard to say, but you are not responsible for your friends actions and the more you act as an enabler the worse the symptoms and illness will actually get for her. Obviously you have offered her support and tried to give her advice to go to the GP (might be worth her trying to get referred to the Community Mental Health Team) but it is up to her to get the appropriate treatment. Don't feel guilty about having to prioritise yourself :) One day, if she gets the help she needs, she will understand.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/05/2018 11:36

Keep reminding yourself that despite your friendship and support, it doesn't seem to have helped her, so it's not your support that she really needs. You need feel no guilt at looking after your own health.

You were right to raise your concerns. From the Samaritans website:

"Myth: People who threaten suicide are just attention seeking and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

Fact: People who threaten suicide should always be taken seriously. It may well be that they want attention in the sense of calling out for help, and giving them this attention may save their life."

ReanimatedSGB · 23/05/2018 11:36

YANBU. You are not responsible for her. You have been a kind friend, but she doesn't get a free pass to drain you and make you feel like shit because she has MH issues.

Fruitcorner123 · 23/05/2018 11:40

You have dine the right thing reporting her. Its sad that you feel you have to go NC. Are you gping to ignore her calls and texts? When a person is that depressed their friends are important. Her kust knowing you are there for her will make a heap of difference. Can you not just limit your contact and not instigate anything but be there if she needs you. All the things she said about your pregnancy are likely to be a symptom of her mental illness l doubt she really means to hurt you.

chavtasticfirebanger · 23/05/2018 11:44

Fruit you dont know someone with bpd then. It takes every ounce of energy and the more you give the more is taken.
You get anger when you set boundaries.
What are those scared of abandonment actually afraid of? (Genuine question) Being alone is manageable and normal. Nobody can rely on someone else to survive.

Original poster
JammyLittleDodger · 23/05/2018 11:53

@Fruitcorner123 she texts me every day:

  • can we go for a walk
  • can we go for lunch
  • can you come and see me in the office
  • can you call me

Etc etc. I go, every time. The whole time she complains about how awful her life is, tells me she's worthless, no man will ever want her etc etc. I've come to realise that this isn't a friendship. She doesn't ask how I am, she puts me down when I have something positive to say, she drains the living daylights out of me and I don't know what to do anymore. I am her sounding board. I understand completely that she is down in the dumps and not well, but in reality, is being friends with someone simply to keep them happy really the best thing to do? Surely the fact that I just don't want to be friends with her anymore means something? Can you really just be friends with someone and remain in contact for their sole benefit?

As you can tell I'm extremely anxious about this whole thing.

OP posts:
chavtasticfirebanger · 23/05/2018 11:55

By being there for her op is making her worse as she will not sort any problens just moan about them.

MumofBoysx2 · 23/05/2018 12:04

What is nc?

TheOddSock · 23/05/2018 12:04

My partner is like this OP, I completely understand, it is exhausting.
I'm slowly distancing myself and I think you absolutely did the right thing - you need to look after YOU and your baby.

TheOddSock · 23/05/2018 12:04

Mumofboys - no contact

OneStepSideways · 23/05/2018 12:05

You did the right thing.

Now protect yourself. Your baby and health are more important than this woman. She will keep draining you if you let her. You've been very kind but she needs professional help.

Respond to the texts with 'Sorry, I don't feel up to it today' until she stops asking. Blame it on pregnancy nausea/tiredness if it's easier.
You're under no obligation to answer the phone if she rings.

RhythmStix · 23/05/2018 12:08

I had a 'friend' like this who was using me as a sounding board. Every time we met up she would embark on a non stop rant about all the aspects of her life and situation she was angry with, which covered just about everything. I barely would get a word in. I was not a friendship, she needed someone to vent to and I was the mug.

she still calls me sometimes but I never answer - I simply cannot face seeing her anymore, it's like a test of endurance.

Look after yourself is my advice. You have reported her suicide claims to the right people. You are not a trained therapist which is what she seems to need.

ScottMumofGirls · 23/05/2018 12:11

I have a relative who has been like this for over six years. She has texted me some really worring things and I approached my wider family with my concerns. It seems everyone is aware so that made me feel a bit better as I was worried her safety and mental well-being was my responsibility.
I have had a few bad years with my kids myself but last year when my own stressed peaked I cut down on how much I would respond to her disarters. I couldn’t at the time help myself.
I think some times if your a pleaser or problem solver some people can drain you dry. You can’t help anyone if your pulled into depression with them. I know that’s harsh but a relationship is give and take, sometimes you take more and some times you give me. Giving and giving isn’t healthy

imweirdandcool · 23/05/2018 12:21

You're not wrong

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