Warned away from someone with a bad reputation..

[Cosyhusky]

I've known of this person for many, many years but hadn't spoken to them personally. Got talking a few months ago and get on very well. A lot in common, on the same level etc. He is a single dad to 3 kids. Seems to be a great dad. Makes me laugh, I'm attracted to him, blah blah.

Problem is, he has a very 'big reputation' where we live. I cringe even writing is as it sounds like I'm making him out to be some gangster. He's 10 yrs older than me. So even though we are from the same town, growing up we weren't in the same group of friends.

He suffers from a few different mental disorders. Had a very messed up childhood and from what I'm told has a colourful past involving drugs, selling and taking, violence, etc. No prison or anything.

I'm torn. The side I'm getting to know isn't what I've been told. Obviously I'm aware people can pretend to be what they want. I am cautions and aware. I don't know if I believe that people 'change' but I do think people should be given a chance..

Would you give someone like this a chance? Or run for the hills?

Sweatymoose, I take it you've never worked in child protection? There is a very low bar for 'good enough' parenting, and him having residency, doesn't mean much more than he is a better parent than the mother.

@BadTasteFlump @Whiterabbitears

A bit like being warned off somebody because of their past when for him its potentially a decade ago. People do CHANGE you know. I was a very similar person and now totally reformed, highly educated, a volunteer and very good parent.

We were not all born into perfect lives, it takes some people much longer than others to fly straight but that does not mean we do not deserve a chance for fucks sake. Why not just neuter all people involved in drugs as teens? or just euthanise them? save the tax payer money too and your world will be cleaner and sparklier than ever before. You could even dig the graves with your silver spoons

Fanny no-one is entitled to a relationship with someone, no matter how much they’ve turned their life around (which is brilliant BTW and I’m genuinely happy for you that you did). If it came to a choice between protecting myself and my DC or giving someone else a chance because “everyone deserves a chance” I’d Choose the former. Everytime. Because the cost of it going wrong is far too high. Far higher than what he would “suffer” by not enjoying a relationship with me. Women don’t owe reformed men a chance at a relationship with them.

BTW the fact he has children who were removed from their mother due to (sexual??) abuse would be enough for me to move on. Even if none of the other stuff (violence/drugs etc) existed.

fannyfelcher you seem to be projecting quite a lot here, this isn't about you. Oh and take your silver spoon elsewhere

Fanny you're making a lot of assumptions there - all of which are BS...

But yeah, listen to the chinese whispering gossip that goes back forever, that's a REALLY accurate way to gauge a persons worth innit.
Actually, as a single parent, I think the potential risk outweighs the chance it may work and it would be foolish to take it.
How many people in your community would now warn others from you? Likely none, since you have proved yourself. You haven't been violent. An ex drug taker who is now doing a phd is not a risk to a partner in the same way that a man who has been previously violent on multiple occasions is a risk to a single mum.
Another who says run (and well done to the poster above for changing her life)

Do you have children OP?

He reportedly changed after getting residency of his DC? so not upon becoming a father, three times.

He committed violent crime against his DCs’ abuser - so risked jail and (if his ex wasn’t deemed suitable to have residency) his DC being unable to live with either parent. Dick move.

God just have a fling and keep your radar alert

OP - I agree with Zibbidoo’s last couple of posts on this one, where you’re children are concerned.
The potential risks to them do not outweigh the fun you, or he, may gain from this relationship. I wouldn’t expose my children (or their mother) to his chaotic lifestyle

*your

The potential risks to them do not outweigh the fun you, or he, may gain from this relationship. I wouldn't expose my children to his chaotic lifestylelifestyle

Absolutely spot on.

Thanks Whiterabbitears.....I meant to type “DO OUTWEIGH” - oh I need to sleep - been to a spinning class and it has drained my soul 😱

I know what you mean!

My husband has criminal convictions for violence, drugs etc from his 20’s. He was a ‘face’ in our local area from a well known family (I get you OP I’m cringing writing that too) Crucially he had no violence against women, children or ‘innocents’.

We are both in our 40’s now, have been married years, have children. He has never been in trouble once since we got together. He is a truly brilliant husband and father, usually the only one in the room or on a bus to stand up and offer his seat to an elderly person / pregnant lady / disabled person etc. He’s an old school gent and treats us all with the upmost respect and consideration. His daughters have him wrapped round their fingers and he’s still as romantic with me as when we first met. He works hard, is loyal and has helped build us a nice life.

I think it hinges on the when’s, who’s and why’s. Any violence against ex’s run for the hills but not everyone who got into scraps and trouble when they were young are wasters their whole life.

How old are you both? How old are his dc?

Honestly feel if you are warned off then listen, perhaps if you didn't have children but you risk impact to them.

It does not matter if he is reformed from drugs and violence, there is always a possibility he could go back, that is not a risk I would take, especially with DC. It woukd depend on the mental health disorders.