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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Warned away from someone with a bad reputation..

93 replies

Cosyhusky · 21/05/2018 12:02

I've known of this person for many, many years but hadn't spoken to them personally. Got talking a few months ago and get on very well. A lot in common, on the same level etc. He is a single dad to 3 kids. Seems to be a great dad. Makes me laugh, I'm attracted to him, blah blah.

Problem is, he has a very 'big reputation' where we live. I cringe even writing is as it sounds like I'm making him out to be some gangster. He's 10 yrs older than me. So even though we are from the same town, growing up we weren't in the same group of friends.

He suffers from a few different mental disorders. Had a very messed up childhood and from what I'm told has a colourful past involving drugs, selling and taking, violence, etc. No prison or anything.

I'm torn. The side I'm getting to know isn't what I've been told. Obviously I'm aware people can pretend to be what they want. I am cautions and aware. I don't know if I believe that people 'change' but I do think people should be given a chance..

Would you give someone like this a chance? Or run for the hills?

OP posts:

AlisonCHaynes · 21/05/2018 12:49

Only joking.

Mousefunky · 21/05/2018 12:49

I said nine years but meant nine months. If it were nine years I probably wouldn’t be alive.

mostdays · 21/05/2018 12:51

He suffers from a few different mental disorders. Had a very messed up childhood and from what I'm told has a colourful past involving drugs, selling and taking, violence, etc. No prison or anything.

People are more than their past. Ask him.

Dvg · 21/05/2018 12:51

Honestly i wouldn't Judge someone unless it was something in my list of nono's (rape, innocent murder, Paedophilia, abuse towards there partner or children etc)

But i'm almost as innocent as they come and even i have dabbled in drugs, haven't sold any but i would have at one point if i had the resources.

I think take it slow and cautiously and always trust your gut, never forgive him if anything comes up that makes you think he hasn't changed.

Just be careful but also just have fun, and feel free to tell him of your reservations as long as you dont sound like you are judging unfairly i'm sure he will understand.

expatinscotland · 21/05/2018 12:52

RUN! Especially if you have kids.

Eolian · 21/05/2018 12:53

I would stay well clear. Drug dealing and violence are things I would feel not a moment's guilt about judging someone for. Maybe he's changed, maybe he hasn't. Getting into a relationship with someone with those things in his past is not a risk I'd even think of taking, whether I had dc or not.

Pengggwn · 21/05/2018 12:58

He sounds remorseful against them all besides the one where he hurt the person who abused his children. Which I 100% understand.

DV?

WeiAnMeokEo · 21/05/2018 12:59

@fannyfelcher so much respect for you, I think you have it right.

Shit starts in life don't have to determine who we become, but the process of becoming someone content and functional can be long, hard and messy. If he is at the end of such a process, he could well turn out to be a great, empathetic person and father for it - that's certainly true of a number of people I know. Mental health issues managed well are a different beast to unmanaged ones, and again having experience of them can be a huge positive in terms of capacity for empathy.

I think in your shoes, I would proceed with caution, zero haste and a lot of talking. If he is decent, he'll want to make sure you are secure in any relationship you develop and will understand your caution. At the first sign of him overstepping a boundary, pull him up on it and see how he reacts - it's a good point upthread that he seems honest but you can't really know for sure.

OutsideContextProblem · 21/05/2018 12:59

What exactly are those mental health conditions? Do you have an independent version of the details of the violence? Where is his children’s mother? What’s his relationship with her?

“Flings” are not necessarily a safe option with some men - there are some men with whom even a coffee is too much.

Original poster

Cosyhusky · 21/05/2018 13:00

He has full custody and parental rights as the mother was abusive towards the children and ‘allowed’ her partner to abuse them also.

I do have children, I won’t bring him into their lives.

This is definitely more for fun. I’ve always lived a sheltered life and I think the bad boy/muscular/tattoo etc is what’s attracting me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cosyhusky · 21/05/2018 13:03

Sorry, to clarify.

The person who he hurt was the boyfriend of his ex. As far as I’m told by himself and others there hasn’t been any DV. I would have already ran if that were the case.

Not that violence in any way is okay

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 21/05/2018 13:04

I've always lived a sheltered life and I think the bad boy/muscular/tattoo etc is what’s attracting me.

Well, if you want Heathcliff, you want him, but don't expect him to act like Mr. Bingley!

Original poster

Cosyhusky · 21/05/2018 13:05

@Pengggwn

I don’t know who those people are

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 21/05/2018 13:08

Cosyhusky

Heathcliff is the classic literary 'bad boy' from Wuthering Heights - he's rough, violent and sexual. Mr. Bingley is the 'nice guy' from Pride and Prejudice.

People change, but they don't change their essentials.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 21/05/2018 13:09

Raise the bar for yourself. He sounds like a thug. Is that the best you can do?

Caramelapplecake · 21/05/2018 13:11

My main concern would be whether he is telling you the truth about his previous relationship with the mother of his children. The person he was violent against who abused his children - was this his ex partner or her partner? If he has hit an adult male because that person hurt his children - fair enough, but I would take with a pinch of salt anything he is saying about any abuse - physical or emotional in his own relationship because this often gets twisted.

From your update that you aren’t introducing him to your children and it’s just a bit of fun - that sounds positive - but don’t get yourself in too deeply before realising it’s no longer a bit of fun and may be you should have heeded the earnings.

Thewhale2903 · 21/05/2018 13:11

There's no way of knowing how he Wpuld treat you until you have actually been in a relationship, can't help who you fall for.
It also depends if he is still doing these things now, would you want to live that life because I know people that have and it's definitely not all its cracked up to be. What if he did end up in jail and you are married to him with children? I know that may never happen bit never too early to plan ahead.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 21/05/2018 13:12

I would never get myself involved with someone who had a history of violence towards other people..sooner or later you'll find yourself on the receiving end of that violence in one way or another.
Steer clear.

Caramelapplecake · 21/05/2018 13:13

Typo heeded the warnings

Original poster

Cosyhusky · 21/05/2018 13:14

@Caramelapplecake

I know the situation to be correct through mutual friends. She lost custody of all of her children after it came to light. And had her next child removed too. The person he hit was his ex partners boyfriend who was later charged with child abuse

OP posts:

SendintheArdwolves · 21/05/2018 13:14

I’ve always lived a sheltered life and I think the bad boy/muscular/tattoo etc is what’s attracting me

@Penggwn means "if you're attracted by the bad boy thing, then don't expect him to also be the perfect gentleman" which is a very wise point - when most people say they are attracted to "bad boy" types, what they mean is "someone who is mean/violent/intimidating with everyone except me".

There is a kind of mob-girlfriend fantasy, where you get all the benefits of proximity to violence - excitement, danger, feeling protected (no one will mess with you because they're scared of your boyfriend, etc) and also get treated "like a princess" by this other-wise frightening man who turns into a pussycat in your presence. It's a weird mix of ego trip (only you can control him) and submission ("he's so powerful") and lots of people enjoy the fantasy.

In reality, most people who lead lives of professional violence aren't all that sensitive behind closed doors.

SendintheArdwolves · 21/05/2018 13:16

There's no way of knowing how he would treat you until you have actually been in a relationship, can't help who you fall for

Both of these statements are entirely false

BarryTheKestrel · 21/05/2018 13:19

In these situations you need to not get attached and form your own opinion over time. If he disappears, acts cagey etc, chances are he is still doing these things on the quiet.

My friends husband could have been described like this, in fact I did describe him like this when she started dating him. But I knew him years before. He'd grown up. He'd changed. He is an absolute delight now. A brilliant husband, father and all round good guy. He still has a reputation but it's clear to anyone that spends any time with him that he left that behind long ago.

Proceed with caution OP, but don't throw away a chance of happiness based on what other people say.

DextroDependant · 21/05/2018 13:37

I dated a similar man, although he had done a 10 year stretch inside.

He was the most charming, respectful guy I have ever met, however he is also the most terrifying.
He was 'old school' respected his woman but expected certain Standards which were impossible to live up to. He never once raised his nice to me but would let me know when I had disappointed him and in a way it was worse.

I am probably projecting massively OP but I would walk away. Men with a "gangster" past are used to being surrounded by yes men, they expect their bidding to be done. They talk about respect but they mean fear.

Sweatymoose · 21/05/2018 13:50

God forbid anyone has a past Plenty of people have crappy/rough starts and turn into decent people, despite what 95% of MN tells you. The fact he has complete PR for his kids is very telling. Don't let stories on what he used to be like ruin something with potential - but proceed with caution.

One of my sisters was a heroin/crack addict, hung around in drug dens and probably dealed, hung around with murderers and was a bit of a thug. Clean for years and is a brilliant, loving, caring parent. One of my BILs had a reputation for drink/drugs, fighting in his youth, and suffers with his MH, but I couldn't have asked for nicer husband to my DSis or step father to her children.

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