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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Warned away from someone with a bad reputation..

93 replies

Cosyhusky · 21/05/2018 12:02

I've known of this person for many, many years but hadn't spoken to them personally. Got talking a few months ago and get on very well. A lot in common, on the same level etc. He is a single dad to 3 kids. Seems to be a great dad. Makes me laugh, I'm attracted to him, blah blah.

Problem is, he has a very 'big reputation' where we live. I cringe even writing is as it sounds like I'm making him out to be some gangster. He's 10 yrs older than me. So even though we are from the same town, growing up we weren't in the same group of friends.

He suffers from a few different mental disorders. Had a very messed up childhood and from what I'm told has a colourful past involving drugs, selling and taking, violence, etc. No prison or anything.

I'm torn. The side I'm getting to know isn't what I've been told. Obviously I'm aware people can pretend to be what they want. I am cautions and aware. I don't know if I believe that people 'change' but I do think people should be given a chance..

Would you give someone like this a chance? Or run for the hills?

OP posts:
crunchymint · 21/05/2018 13:51

I would contact the police and ask for a Megan Laws disclosure.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 21/05/2018 13:54

Probably you should dump him.
Having said that, one of my best friends has done time for armed robbery and has been addicted to heroin for years. He is a perfect gentleman to me. However I suspect he is a bit of a one off.

Original poster
Cosyhusky · 21/05/2018 13:55

@crunchymint - What is that please?

OP posts:
crunchymint · 21/05/2018 14:02

Sorry Megans Law is US law. In UK where I think you are, you can only ask about child sex offences. If he has custody, this won't be an issue.

crunchymint · 21/05/2018 14:04

I would be concerned though about domestic violence. Can you speak to his previous partner?

BadTasteFlump · 21/05/2018 14:11

*I do have children, I won’t bring him into their lives.

This is definitely more for fun. I’ve always lived a sheltered life and I think the bad boy/muscular/tattoo etc is what’s attracting me*

Actually now I've seen your updates I'm wondering wtf you're even considering tbh. Is he the only man in the world available to you? Actually, even if he was, I think I would rather go without.

You have DC. If he turns out to be as dangerous as he could be, it won't be your choice whether he is 'in their lives' or not - if he gets to know you, it will effect them when it gets nasty.

You sound incredibly naive and frankly, I think you've been watching too many soaps and gangster movies. You have DC. Grow up and put them first.

I actually feel quite angry now ffs.

Sweatymoose · 21/05/2018 14:13

@crunchymint - the UK has Claire's Law. If OP wants she can phone 101 and ask about it, but I can't imagine him getting full parental responsibility if he has previous for DV.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 21/05/2018 14:14

I’ve always lived a sheltered life and I think the bad boy/muscular/tattoo etc is what’s attracting me.

Naive girl with a romantic notion. Yeah, sounds like you’ve your head screwed on. How perfect that you’ve found a lovely man who fits the bad boy bill. What a coincidence.

Original poster
Cosyhusky · 21/05/2018 14:15

Okay, well thank you for all your input. I’ll leave before it gets ugly. (Him and the thread).

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
wtf2018 · 21/05/2018 14:20

One mental health disorder is challenging enough. A few - no way. People with a reputation and several MH diagnoses are very lovely people often but I've never met one yet who was lovely to be in a relationship with

I'm not saying MH means people can't have successful relationships- but combined with a reputation.... they usually don't

BadTasteFlump · 21/05/2018 14:21

OP I'm sorry to sound harsh but please take some advice from somebody (probably) older and (maybe) wiser.

Before you get involved with anybody, have a really good think about what you want and need from a relationship - and what your DC need too. I think you need to work on your self esteem and why you're setting the bar so low, tbh Flowers

DevilsAttic · 21/05/2018 14:27

So he hit his ex for sexul abuse towards his children and that makes him a violent thug! I'd be a murderer if anyone touched my kids.

Everyone has a past so long as he isn't doing/dealing drugs I don't see the issue. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't of got custody of his DC if he was a druggie or a thug.

crunchymint · 21/05/2018 14:28

It was his ex he hit. I missed that. I would not trust his version of events. A mad or abusive female ex is the oldest lie in the book.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 21/05/2018 14:30

Yes everyone has a past but some of us want and expect better for ourselves than someone who resorts to violence as their go to method of sorting things out.

There is also drug offences in his past. No excuse for any of it in my book. I'd want better.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/05/2018 14:31

No run for the hills, noway.

Original poster
Cosyhusky · 21/05/2018 14:33

It wasn’t his ex that he hit. It was his ex’s new boyfriend. The children’s effective step father. As far as I’m aware he didn’t ever hit his ex. (From what I’ve heard from him and mutual friends with his ex)

OP posts:
crunchymint · 21/05/2018 14:35

Does the ex see the kids?

trojanpony · 21/05/2018 14:37

Christ almighty...🙄
From your posts so far You’ll clearly ignore it but....

Obviously, run for the hills

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 21/05/2018 14:38

You realise there are other men in the world OP? Why so desperate for this one?

fannyfelcher · 21/05/2018 14:40

Honestly OP. You seem to like the guy. There is no reason at all why you have to listen to these over dramatic, pearl clutchers. His reputation will be highly exaggerated by other people.

Go Slow, explain your hesitancy to the man. If he understands then it's a good sign. His past does not define him here, now. It sounds like he is doing a great job raising his kids. Find out if he has a criminal record. What his views are on that now. Does he have regrets?

99% of the world is not like mumsnet would have you believe! People in real life make mistakes and learn from them. But on MN you get one chance and are out the door apparently.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 21/05/2018 14:46

Whatever you do,USE CONTRACEPTION!

We really don’t need another thread from a woman who didn’t listen and is now pregnant with an abusive bastards child.

pasturesgreen · 21/05/2018 14:47

Well, there's colourful and then there's criminal...Confused Involvement with drugs of any kind would be a deal breaker for me, and I'm afraid I don't like the sound of 'a few different mental disorders'.

BadTasteFlump · 21/05/2018 14:47

Good grief. Only on MN can you be called a 'pearl clutcher' for steering clear of somebody with a history of mental health issues, a criminal record, drug dealing/taking and violence.

Pathetic.

Mia1415 · 21/05/2018 14:50

It was a different scenario, but I was warned off someone previously. I ignored all the warnings as I was besotted with him. MASSIVE mistake. Everyone was right and I'm still living with the impact now.

Whiterabbitears · 21/05/2018 14:53

Agree with you Badtasteflump

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