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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn’t always have to do this?

98 replies

MrsDylanBlue · 20/05/2018 21:24

Step parent so will prob get flamed but here goes.

DSD1 who is 13 told me today at 15:50 (Sunday) that she has cooking tomoz at school and needs ingredients.

They were also getting ready for the 2.5 hour drive home. OH texted their Mum and asked if she could grab what she needs (I suggested that as we had been in town she could of mentioned it then - OH proceeds to tell me she asked him yday) her Mum said no it is our responsibility as our weekend.

Anyway I quickly took her to Tesco express and got the things she needed that we didn’t have so she didn’t get into trouble.

I have also sorted it out for her in the past.

AIBU to think the RP should really be sorting this out. It never once crossed my mind that my ex would provide ingredients for school cooking as he pays me maintenance (as does DH to his ex) also the practicality of transporting says ingredients Home.

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 20/05/2018 22:02

CMA is the minimum and it’s to help the resident parent put a roof over their heads. It does nit abolsve you of all other costs.

He had kids - had can damn well provide more than the minimum. Your attitude stinks. You’re sick of all the extras?!?? They’re his kids... his job is to buy them stuff they need, when they need it. Why are you in here moaning about your SD and having to provide for them? You should be moaning that your husband didn’t give a crap about helping his daughter with school. You should be ashamed of yourself for your attitude towards providing for his kids,

sonypony · 20/05/2018 22:02

we pay maintenance set by the CMA Surely the rate is set lower to account for the nights he has the kids to take into account that he pays for things for the nights he has them, including homework stuff? I agree this was your OH's fault. Their mum shouldn't have to change her plans on your weekend to go out shopping because your DH couldn't be bothered to sort it yesterday when he was told about it. But it's not your problem either, maybe just leave your DH to sort these things in future?

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 20/05/2018 22:03

I hate feeling like this.

With the clothes etc it is expense that isn’t within our control which does my head in.

DSD1 has destroyed 4 phones in 2 years (we bought the first two but I have point blank refused to buy any more). The latest one was broken this week and her mum has given her her tablet instead - no consequences for not looking after her stuff, and her lunch box was chewed terribly by the dog so I gave her one of my kids old ones.

Her school shoes which we got her in March have both the toes chewed off by the dog.

Argh. The ingredients were put in her planner last Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 20/05/2018 22:06

At least once a week DSD1 phones him from school because she has no lunch because she’s forgotten it orvthere was no food at home and he puts money on her card thing.

OP posts:
sonypony · 20/05/2018 22:07

Just seen your update. I'd stop letting them take new trainers, swimming costumes and library books etc back with them. But again your DH can organise telling them to put their school shoes back on to go home and absorb the cost of the new trainers if he doesn't.

Petalflowers · 20/05/2018 22:08

Oh should have purchased the stuff yesterday.

However, has dd was about to travel 2 1/2 hour home, then I’m surprised the dm put her daughter first and buy them.

Rocinante1 · 20/05/2018 22:09

In most cases, whatever the ex is paying in maintenance is a lot less than the resident parents actually spends on the kids. It doesn’t cover enough.
He has to put money on her lunch card.... shock horror.... oh wait, HE’s HER DAD. If mum is struggling so much, then offer to help more. Or sit down and talk about the situation. Talk about solutions to the dog destroying things. But stop acting like you shouldn’t need to spend any more money on the kids. That is a parents job.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 20/05/2018 22:09

That's good she has somewhere to call. It's good he can help. At the end if the day, unless you are the rp you pick up the slack.

SD has a home. If you can offer better then start that conversation with her and mum.

scrumples · 20/05/2018 22:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 20/05/2018 22:11

She snuck the shoes into her bag. The same happens with socks shoes bras etc.

I refuse to check her bag before she leaves.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 20/05/2018 22:12

They don’t want to live here as we live far away, we have asked them.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/05/2018 22:12

I think that’s weird. Food tech/cooking is on a Monday. She goes to school from her Mum’s house. Why wouldn’t the Mum sort it out. I would. It’s far easier to sort from the house they’re going to school from - it’s not ‘weekend homework’ not one bit.

scrumples · 20/05/2018 22:13

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 20/05/2018 22:14

We have.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/05/2018 22:15

I have every sympathy with a teen wanting to take the new shoes/trainers/bra/swimming costume with them. Especially if she's never likely to get new stuff from home, for whatever reason.

Your DP can try to put the responsibility on DSD to bring the things she needs with her from home. That's about all you can do, I guess.

You're getting a rough ride on this thread, but step-mums often do. It's hard, and it doesn't seem to be about the money itself. But your DP needs to be a good father, your DSD needs to be well cared for, and somewhere in all that you need to try to be zen about the annoyance of it all, I guess.

scrumples · 20/05/2018 22:16

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Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 20/05/2018 22:17

He is a good dad. He moved his job near them in the week to be nearer to them.

OP posts:
scrumples · 20/05/2018 22:18

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Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 20/05/2018 22:20

Because they don’t want to and because he cannot afford suitable accommodation as we have a house here where my kids live.

OP posts:
scrumples · 20/05/2018 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocatoo · 20/05/2018 22:21

Your SD will remember that it was you that got it sorted for her. Try to ‘enjoy’ all that stuff, before you know it they don’t need you for any of it...I used to huff and puff when DD would remember last minute that she needed cookery stuff, now I look back and smile when I remember the last minute dash to Tesco’s.

Glumglowworm · 20/05/2018 22:22

But surely the clothes and shoes belong to her, so she can take them back and forth as she wishes? She’s a teenager, presumably she packs her own bag when she comes to stay?

The fines for lost library books and her repeatedly breaking her phone are bad, and should have consequences such as giving up pocket money to cover the cost of fines and not replacing repeatedly broken phones (I know you said you’re now refusing to replace the phone which I think is fair).

She sounds like she has a chaotic home life, DP is her father, he should be supporting her, not begrudging her lunch money!

killinginthenameof · 20/05/2018 22:23

Bloody ridiculous responses. Typical knee jerk anti step parent. Of course it makes sense that the parent who is taking the child to school gets the ingredients ready to take to school on the Monday. It's not homework! Buying ingredients and taking them 150 miles as a matter of principle makes absolutely no sense.

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 20/05/2018 22:23

No they can’t stay there as I would see my husband 4 nights a month 😂😂

I am not a saint!

OP posts:
scrumples · 20/05/2018 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.