Childcare arrangements

[Idontknow13]

I’m having a discussion with dh about childcare arrangements when I go back to work from maternity in a few months time. I will go back part time 3 days per week. My mother has agreed to have ds (currently 6mo) two days a week, she lives close by, and dh wants his mum to have him for the other day, understandably its important to him to have his mum involved.

I get along well with his mother, we are not particularly close but I like her a lot and trust her with ds. However she lives 30 minutes away (much longer in rush hour traffic) and doesn’t drive, so it would mean an hour round trip, twice that day, to drop off and pick up ds. This would lengthen ds day (I will be 9-5, dh same), I.e he would have to get up and ready an hour or more earlier and get home an hour later. Bedtime currently 7pm although this may change as he gets older I don’t know (first baby).

I’m looking for opinions as to whether I’m being unreasonable to have reservations about taking ds to MIL. It is only one day per week so maybe it would work well. Maybe I’m worrying about nothing. And of course it would be free childcare and he would be cared for by his nanna who he knows and who dates on him.

I’ll be honest at the moment I’m finding conversations about leaving ds with anyone (including my own mother) difficult at the moment as I want to care for him myself full time, but we are unlikely to be able to afford this. I know that sounds pathetic!

[RedSkyAtNight]

How about you drop the baby off at her house and she brings him back to yours (obviously this will require decent public transport links).

[Stompythedinosaur]

Before our dds were at school dmil used to look after them. Dp used to go after work, get them ready for bed there (dmil would feed them and dp too), leave at 7pm and let them fall asleep in the car on the way home, pop them into bed when they were back. It worked well. Would that be a possibility for you?

I think the relationship with their grandmother might be worth investing in.

[Musereader]

How long is yours or DH commute and is MIL house in direction of one of your workplaces? It woudnt be extra two hours if it is a detour from the route to work would it?

You have to look at it as 30 mins from your house to MIL house and then MIL house to work which is only extra 1 hr for DC in the day not 2

[Feb2018mumma]

My MIL is unable to have my son (DH realised she is too old even though she says she's fine... very wobbly with son and can't hold him well at a few months) so have had to tell my mum she can't have him either, unfortunately in our family atleast MIL plays grandparent wars and we couldn't have one parent baby sit and not the other even though my mum is 20 years younger! Will cost us more in childcare but the price we have to pay to keep the MIL happy... They just don't seem to see practicalities and only see that another grandparent gets more time than them :( annoyingly it sounds like you will be in same situation as me!

[iamkahleesi]

I do virtually the same once a week where my DM has dd, it's not an ideal journey but manageable. The fantastic impact this has had on dd / DM's relationship is immeasurable and I wouldn't change that for the world.

[biscuitaddict]

My MIL has DS one day a week we drop off 7.30 so everyone's up and out by 7 I pick up 4.30/4.45. It's a long day but my DS loves going, MIL loves having him and we save money every month. It's worth it.

[JaniceBattersby]

I’d absolutely be asking your husband to do them drop-off and I’d not worry about the routine, which will change naturally when you go back to work anyway.

I bet it won’t last long.

[User467]

My parents live a distance away so come the night before or occasionally the kids will go there. It's hard the first few times they go for a sleepover but it's worth it in the long run as it makes them more comfortable with doing it. There may be a time in the future when you want/need it and it's a huge relief knowing they will be happy.

[Sciurus83]

No way it's far too much on top of working, she needs to come to your house or it's less regular than weekly

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

I think your DH is being unreasonable to get upset with you for pointing out that the logistics just don't work as well as the arrangement you have with your DM. If he's so determined for MIL to have your DS then I assume he's happy to be the one that does the extra driving?

[Allthewaves]

Could you drop baby off Sunday night at bedtime then pick up monday night that way there's only one late evening.

[beargrass]

The potential problem with a drive at that time of day is: DC falls asleep in car, you want to do bathtime at home. It's not compatible. DC will wake up and not be ready to go to bed as has just had long enough nap, not to go to sleep for the night.

That for me would be a no...and was a deciding factor in which nursery we picked.

[GummyGoddess]

Is that 30 minutes in normal or rush hour traffic?

[Idontknow13]

You lot are brilliant, I’ve only been away a short while and you’ve come up with loads of ideas lol! Can you tell I’m new here?!

I don’t think I’d fancy having her to stay once a week, that sounds awful as I like her, but I like my own space so I’d be the same with anyone!

Having dh do one drive and me do the other is a brilliant idea, perhaps if I take him and dh picks him up, would be a good compromise. And also about two days in nursery and alternate weeks at each of the grandmothers. I don’t know if dh would be happy tho as if there is family to look after him most of the time he would prefer that.

I don’t know anything about nursery and babies settling in, and didn’t realise that it might be easier for them to go for two days a week to help them settle in!

[Idontknow13]

Gummy 30 minutes normal, up to an hour in rush hour traffic!

[Looneytune253]

Could you and your dh apply for flexible working so one of you starts at 10am and finishes at 6 and the other starts at 7am and finishes at 3 and can do the journey when they have the extra time?

[GummyGoddess]

An hour each way is too much. They'll be grumpy before they even get there and fall asleep in the evening before they get home. I don't know about yours, but my dc has a super sunshiney personality unless he has been woken when he wants to sleep, waking him for dinner and to get ready for bed at that time of day would be a total disaster.

Can your mil not be brought to yours and one of you take her home once you're both back from work?

[muffyduffster]

I have a similar situation... it's half an hour to her grandma's against the flow of traffic but 60-90 heading back to my work!
I find it's worth it for the nice balance it gives (she goes overnight for one night/two days) with two days of nursery and accept the shite commute one day a week for her to have that time with MIL. I have downloaded a load of audiobooks though for that reverse journey and I only do the outward trip (DH is a teacher so can't be late for work, mine is more flexible on start time so we've worked it that way)

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Definitely recommend you get your DH to share in the drop offs and pickups whoever you are using for childcare, you need to develop a sustainable joint effort with this from the beginning and not let it automatically devolve to you.

[Idontknow13]

I’m on my phone so I’m sorry if I don’t reply to people properly. Yes I agree perturbed I will try not to set a precedence of only me dropping off and picking up!

I do want to support the relationship ds has with his nana so would like it if it could work. I think that some of you are right tho when the reality of all that driving in traffic sets in, it could seem like more stress than it’s worth!

Unfortunately they live in the opposite direction to both of our workplaces!!

I could probably have some flexibility with my hours, more so than dh so that’s something to consider, thank you to those suggesting that. We’ve got a little while to decide for certain, so I may just go back to pretending it’s not gonna happen for a little longer!!

[SharronNeedles]

Christ, I work full time and my commute is 90 mins each day included dropping off DS with my parents or inlaws.
You do what you have to do!

And to a PP who said the point of childcare is to be convenient to you... Just no... The point of childcare is to have someone to care for your child!

[Moo31]

I thought I was reading a post that I had written but didn't remember writing! My current situation is weirdly very similar! Differences being that Mil lives 1 hr away but that she DOES drive so she will come to our house 1 day a week to look after DS. My mum on the other hand lives 10 mins away - but it's 10 mins in the wrong direction (will add at least half an hour to my commute each way) so I'm considering asking her to come to us one day and I'll bring ds to her the other day. I'm under no illusions that the first few weeks (months?) will be tough so anything that makes it easier can only be a good thing! Ime Grandparents would bend over backwards to have time with dgc so a conversation with your mil might be useful to gauge her thoughts on the situation. Good luck!

[mummy2oneandtwo]

My mum and mother in law share childcare of my children. My mum drives and lives 5 mins away, mother in law is about 30 mins away and like yours, doesn't drive.

We either go and get her the night before, and she stays over as there wouldn't be time in the morning, or we pay for a taxi to get her in the morning, which is considerably less than the cost of nursery, so worth the money to get her to ours.

[Idontknow13]

Ah so a few with similar situations to us. Thanks Moo. Sharron that is a huge commute and with full time work, it pales in comparison to my situation.

Am lying here awake, feeling a bit annoyed that he seems to be putting his mother’s feelings above ds’s / my needs. I just know there’ll be some excuse as to why I should pick ds up, it’ll gradually fall to me, like the car seat fits in my car, or he has to drop off colleagues. Anyway I’ll leave the midnight ramblings there!!

[Seahawk80]

Ask MIL to come to you. Mine is doing this one day a week and it is about an hour commute each way on public transport (SW London - Se London). It never occurred to me to take DS to her s it would be a long journey and long day for him plus all his stuff is here and as pp said he sleeps better in his own cot etc. I'm also continuing bookings for a class I do with him on Fridays so MIL can take him. If you put it to her (and DH) like that it makes sense. Even if you alternated weeks it would make things much easier for you and DS.