Childcare arrangements

[Idontknow13]

I’m having a discussion with dh about childcare arrangements when I go back to work from maternity in a few months time. I will go back part time 3 days per week. My mother has agreed to have ds (currently 6mo) two days a week, she lives close by, and dh wants his mum to have him for the other day, understandably its important to him to have his mum involved.

I get along well with his mother, we are not particularly close but I like her a lot and trust her with ds. However she lives 30 minutes away (much longer in rush hour traffic) and doesn’t drive, so it would mean an hour round trip, twice that day, to drop off and pick up ds. This would lengthen ds day (I will be 9-5, dh same), I.e he would have to get up and ready an hour or more earlier and get home an hour later. Bedtime currently 7pm although this may change as he gets older I don’t know (first baby).

I’m looking for opinions as to whether I’m being unreasonable to have reservations about taking ds to MIL. It is only one day per week so maybe it would work well. Maybe I’m worrying about nothing. And of course it would be free childcare and he would be cared for by his nanna who he knows and who dates on him.

I’ll be honest at the moment I’m finding conversations about leaving ds with anyone (including my own mother) difficult at the moment as I want to care for him myself full time, but we are unlikely to be able to afford this. I know that sounds pathetic!

[beingsunny]

I would ask work for flexinstart times so one does drop off and starts later the other starts earlier and finishes earlier.

I'd also consider asking if you could stay for dinner, pjs on and in the car in time for bed. Transfer into bed when you get home.

[Caterina99]

I’d maybe see if she’ll alternate one week at your house and one week at hers?

Then like PP have said she could get the bus/stay over/you pay for a taxi. And then on the weeks at her house your DH could do the pick up and stay for dinner and just put DS straight to bed, or DS could stay over sometimes if that could work?

[emmyrose2000]

I would have DH do all the driving to and from his mother's. Then if/when it all becomes too much of a hassle it'll be less of a "thing" when her own son puts a stop to it.

[ohamIreally]

If you each have a car please make sure you've each got a car seat for your baby - that way you'll have more flexibility and avoid logistical problems.

[AgentJohnson]

Whatever you do, don’t start a precedent by doing both the dropping off and pick-ups. Actually, I’d insist that he does both for his Mum and you could do the same for your Mum, you won’t be surprised that his ‘convictions’ won’t be so important if it inconveniences him.

[BlitheringIdiots]

I second a car seat in each car. Way easier. I did all the nursery drops and pick ups as it was by my work. But primary school he did the drops and I did the pick ups

[Sunshinegirl82]

I went back 3 days a week and when you work part time you actually need more flexibility timing wise I find rather than less as there is less of an option to leave things until first thing the next day (as you might not be in and if you are you will be busy!)

I do 3 days and my DH does all the drop offs and pick ups as I do sometimes need to start early/finish late to fit everything in. Plus DH has to actually drive past the nursery and it's a slight detour for me.

I think you'll have to be really clear about this. If he starts trying to get you to do it you'll just have to be unavailable to do so. Stay late at work and don't "rescue" the situation. He wants this to happen so he needs to help facilitate it.

Just a thought but it might be better to set the precedent for MIL coming to you if you can. Babies only need a few toys and a mat and they are happy as they get older it does tend to get harder to keep them entertained all day without their toys/books etc (toy kitchen, garage etc!) Plus unless MIL is willing to sort stair gates and the like it can be stressful having a very young child in a house that isn't set up for them.

Benefit of MIL coming to you is that if DH is late to take her back it's no great shakes and it won't affect your DS.

[Oysterbabe]

It would be better for MIL to come to you. If we'd done this then DS would definitely fall asleep on the drive home and it would mess up the evening / bedtime. He'd be a grumpy little bugger at being woken up on getting home and probably wouldn't get over it until I got him to bed.

[Momo27]

Are you planning on nursery when your child is 18 months/ 2 years ish, and that might be a better option for him? If so, then the arrangement has a ‘shelf life.’ It sounds like hassle but if it’s for, say, 6 months, then you know there’s an end point.

It’s not an arrangement I would want for years, certainly not all the pre school years.

[GummyGoddess]

What would your schedule look like? 6am up, 7am leave, 8am arrive at MIL, 9am get to work? Then the same amount of time in the evening?

[Berthatydfil]

First - has he checked his mother wants to do this?
Is she happy / willing to commit to this or is it him /her playing competitive grand parenting.
What’s her health like? Does she have much of a social life /holidays? Will she be be letting you down because she’s got an outing /holiday planned or not feeling well etc?
Is she likely to let you down ?

Then if your 100% convinced you both need to think long and hard about the practicalities.
She doesn’t drive so will be walking /bussing if she wants to go out anywhere. So she will need suitable pushchair which you can’t realky expect her to buy so it will require yours to be transported to hers and back or something bought for her?
Who will be doing the transporting - I think your dh should do at least half of this and seeing as he’s so keen on his mother doing this would tell him that it’s his responsibility.
Alternatively can she come to yours for the day and one of you (him) run her back after?


Personally I wouldn’t be entertaining the thought of adding that extra time to anyone’s working day or putting the baby in the car for that time unless it was the only way I could afford to work.

[Idontknow13]

I’m so tempted to say that he needs to do all the driving, but it would mean ds having to get up considerably earlier than if I took him (like 90 mins or so), as dh needs to leave much earlier in the morning to get to work. Ultimately I have to do the best for ds even if it inconviences me. Perhaps we could ask mil to come to us on the bus and dh take her home after work.

Momo I’ll be honest I haven’t really thought about what will happen when he’s 18months, but it is easier to think of this as a temporary arrangement and things will likely change after a short ish time.

His mother has said she would love to have ds but we haven’t discussed the practicalities of it all with her, and whether she would be willing to travel. She may not want to be up at 7:30 so that I can get to work on time, in which case we would make their arrangements she is under no obligation.

She is generally very reliable yes. I think there is competitive grand parenting but not from the grand parents lol! From dh- he wants his mother to be just as involved. I’ve always been close to my mother and seen her regularly, so she naturally sees more of ds when she sees me. I don’t really go out of my way to see mil unless with dh on weekends as we are not really all that close but I do like her if you see what I mean.

[thatwhichwecallarose]

We did this for many years. DD went to nursery 3 days a week but I didn’t want them going there 5 longs days and couldn’t really afford it either. So we drove 20 miles in the opposite direction before driving back any going to work.

It wasn’t too bad. Worked for the kids because we’d get them up early, bottle and take them over still in pjs. Dropped off before rush hour! Home was fine as they’d be ready for bed and would fall asleep on the way back. It’s not as crazy as it sounds, honest!

[timeisnotaline]

It is absolutely fair that she does the childcare one day a week, and not really fair that you are considering saying no mainly because you are closer to your own mum. But,
There have been a few good options here - alternating venues, her staying the night before, staying for dinner and bath at hers before coming home... but the most important thing is that your dh does at least half the work, you can’t overestimate the difference establishing this early on makes to family dynamics. I wouldn’t worry too much about baby having to get up earlier so dh can drive them, babies adjust to all kinds of routines and it doesn’t do them any harm at all.

[Idontknow13]

Ah thanks it’s good to hear that it can work out!

I think I’ll call his bluff (if that’s the right phrase) and say we can do it if he’ll do all the driving, let him think about it and stew over it. Perhaps he thinks that I’ll have most of the responsibility and it won’t affect him so much. So I’ll let him think about what affect it’ll have on him!

[Sunshinegirl82]

I think in that case I'd definitely try to work a late start/late finish into your flexible working request. You can then drop DS off and go to work then it's on DH to collect. You won't be able to due to working late.

It's all well and good your DH wanting his mum more involved and that's great but he has to be involved in the practicalities of what that means.

My concern would be unless he participates you would grow resentful and/or find its not working and want to stop. If he's not being inconvenienced he won't appreciate how much extra effort goes into it and would view your wanting to change things as you not wanting to bother and thus deny his mum the ability to participate.

To be honest it might be worth seeing if he can do some of the pick ups/drop offs to your mum too. The lack of work flexibility that women (as a rule) have to deal with as a result of becoming the default "collector" is a real cause of stagnation in women's careers in my view. I think you need to start how you mean to go on.

[3stonedown]

I just came on to say my DD started nursery at 6 months once a week and settled in fine so he might be ok with just 1 day.

[Idontknow13]

Timeisnotaline- that really isn’t the reason why I have reservations, it is a fact that I’m closer to my mother naturally. But the reason I’m worried is the extra commute/stress for ds and me with travelling to and from her house. I’ve just checked and she would have to get three buses to ours so not really fair to ask that of her.

Sunshine girl I completely agree. At the moment most of the responsibility for ds is on me which I am happy with because I’m not working. But when I return to work, even if part time, I need to be careful that everything does not remain my responsibility and that he realises he needs to share in it. I worded that very clumsily but hopefully you get the gist.

[Idontknow13]

Thanks 3stone down!

[Polkadotraindrops]

If you're considering nursery, maybe check out what your preferred nursery admissions is. Our local nursery won't take babies for less than 2 days a week as they feel they need 2 days to settle into a routine which we found to be the case with most nurseries we looked at.

[Colonelpopcorn]

Not rtft so may have been mentioned.

I’m going back to work in August (baby due next week) my mum is doing one day a week care as she lives so close and baby being so young I want him/her near me.

Hopefully after xmas mil is going to help out. She lives 35mins away though.
To get around this we are hoping to meet her half way making that bit of the day about 20 mins long instead of 35.

[wasthataburp]

I would not do it personally, its far too much to add on to your day. It will be hard / tiring enough as it is. Either tell her she needs to come to you or get your DH to do drop offs and pick ups. Your will inevitably have sleepless nights etc when you go back to work and adding this stress on top would be too annoying for me personally.

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

Would you consider overnights as an option?

We had this with my pil when the dc were young. Non-drivers and a half hour drive.

We opted for a weekly sleepover. It worked well as it gave Dh and I the opportunity to be a couple and go out.

[GummyGoddess]

If MIL has overnights then surely ops dm would then want them? Fine if that's what you want but two nights away a week is not something everyone would like.

[Tertiathethird]

No, I’d say if she comes to you then it will work. Nice for the baby to be at home for a day too. Otherwise it makes your life harder not easier. If you agree to it then your DH must do all the driving.