Childcare arrangements

[Idontknow13]

I’m having a discussion with dh about childcare arrangements when I go back to work from maternity in a few months time. I will go back part time 3 days per week. My mother has agreed to have ds (currently 6mo) two days a week, she lives close by, and dh wants his mum to have him for the other day, understandably its important to him to have his mum involved.

I get along well with his mother, we are not particularly close but I like her a lot and trust her with ds. However she lives 30 minutes away (much longer in rush hour traffic) and doesn’t drive, so it would mean an hour round trip, twice that day, to drop off and pick up ds. This would lengthen ds day (I will be 9-5, dh same), I.e he would have to get up and ready an hour or more earlier and get home an hour later. Bedtime currently 7pm although this may change as he gets older I don’t know (first baby).

I’m looking for opinions as to whether I’m being unreasonable to have reservations about taking ds to MIL. It is only one day per week so maybe it would work well. Maybe I’m worrying about nothing. And of course it would be free childcare and he would be cared for by his nanna who he knows and who dates on him.

I’ll be honest at the moment I’m finding conversations about leaving ds with anyone (including my own mother) difficult at the moment as I want to care for him myself full time, but we are unlikely to be able to afford this. I know that sounds pathetic!

[FASH84]

Could you pay for a taxi to you then drop her home? Wouldn't be cheeky and far cheaper than nursery and grandma gets her GC time

[Idontknow13]

Thanks muffy. Congrats on your pregnancy. I’d be exactly the same if ds were to stay over! Also I feel I’ll be missing out on enough time with him having to be back at work, let alone lose a night with him in the week too.

And mil staying over at ours isn’t an option for me, I like my own space too much!

[muffyduffster]

Great posts by fizzy
Just thinking about this today my as it's my day to do the long drive commute tomorrow and other posters have mentioned overnight stay; mine goes overnight... and I hate it. I thought I'd enjoy a night off, a night out! But I got pregnant the week the arrangement started so end up in bed by 9 anyway and I'm horrible to be around on a Wednesday night because I miss her so much!
Hope it all works out for you

[Inertia]

Your husband is coming at this from the wrong perspective. Child care arrangements need to be optimised to be most suitable for the needs of the child, whilst also being actually workable in terms of managing day-to-day life. It isn't about sharing out children amongst family members.

Don't write off nursery- babies and children can get a lot of benefit from the social interactions with other children, and developing routines which will eventually help them to settle into school. The above suggestions of a day in nursery and a day with each GM, or 2 days a week in nursery and alternating days with each GM, could be worth considering.

And I would be having DH do the driving to MIL's , both ways. Men who insist on making childcare arrangements fit their wider family need to handle the consequences of that.

[timeisnotaline]

I too would not want overnight stays at that age. I wouldn’t really want them at any age I think!
Any arrangement should be entirely conditional on dh pulling his weight. You should have a serious conversation beforehand that this is non negotiable. And say in front of him to his mother that it is only feasible because dh is doing half the load , and if anything changes with his job etc so he can’t you will have to look at a closer nursery. If he calls and says I’ve got a meeting say a commmercial nursery will call social services if you don’t pick up (no idea what they do except fine you!) so you have to leave. Pretend you have a bad case of diarrhoea and run darling.
I couldn’t keep my career without dh doing half the nursery run.

[FizzyGreenWater]

He needs to grow up.

He isn't now a 'representative' of his birth family where this is concerned, and he needs to stop seeing himself that way. It's a real perception shift, and if he doesn't make that mental shift now you have a child the odds are not great for a happy marriage.

YOU and his DS are his primary family in terms of where he should see himself. Both grandparents are one step removed. There will be clashes in the future and if he's going to see it as 'insult my mum and you insult me' nonsense... then he's just going to undermine everything. Ask him whether he saw his dad as part of his granny's family rather than a unit with his mum? (if they were together, etc.) Silly, isn't it?

If you were being horrid to MIL then absolutely yes he would have a point, but you aren't- the issue here is a practical one. If I were you I think I'd cut HIM out - talk to MIL yourself, she sounds a lot more sensible. And I think you can assume then from all his shouting about 'fairness' that from now on it's strictly 50:50 with absolutely everything... and that goes for his contribution too :)

[Idontknow13]

Thanks fizzy. I wouldn’t go as far as thinking he’s a twat lol, but our discussion yesterday did turn into a bit of an argument. Dh saying ive written his mother off completely when I’m just trying to have an open discussion with him about the practicalities and asking if he has any suggestions of how to make it work.

[Idontknow13]

Thanks miss duke. I would prefer family to look after him, he’d have that one to one care from someone who loves him to bits. I think I’ll suggest that we try it (obviously tentatively discuss it with mil first to check she’s still up for it!!) and use nursery / childminder as a back up as I’m not opposed to trying that.

[RandomMess]

I would also investigate MIL staying over at yours the night before even if it's just every other week...

[FizzyGreenWater]

it’s coming from dh wanting things to be ‘fair.’

I just know there’ll be some excuse as to why I should pick ds up, it’ll gradually fall to me, like the car seat fits in my car, or he has to drop off colleagues.

Only wants it to be 'fair' if that translates as him feeling his 'side' get their pouind of flesh, but not if it means him actually doing the work?

He really sounds quite the twat. I'd sit him down and say, look, you need to totally rethink the way you see this. This is OUR baby. It isn't a tug of war between two sides and you are actually on a differnet 'side' to me. The only 'side' is our side. I like your mum, I'm keen to see her involved as much as possible. But the real priority is a. our baby's comfort and b. our family's schedule. We're supposed to be the team. It's what works best for US. My mum seeing DS more is a function of me doing more care. If you were at home or on maternity, your mum might see him more. Only she might even not, because she's not wound up about it.

The only person making this into a competition is YOU. So calm down and start thinking why you are taking this so personally. Nobody else is. Your mum is being perfectly reasonable and can clearly see that I like her and want her involved. There'll be times in the future where she'll see DS more than my mum probably , just circumstance.

All your attitude is doing is making me think you're not on our side, you're not even on your mum's side, you're just silly and childish and compettitive and only thinking of yourself and your silly ego.

We'll either make the decisions that work best for us as a family, and that means me and you and DS, or you'll end up pulling us all apart. So stop it.'

[MissDuke]

Not wanting your baby away for overnight stays is not silly at all, my children are much older and still I could count on one hand the number of overnight stays they have had. Nothing wrong with preferring to keep them close!

We did this for a couple of years until we moved closer to the grandparents. It was important to me to have family mind them therefore the longer commute was worth it. What should have taken me 20 mins to get to work became about 70 mins when I factored in my commute and drop off but it was so so worth it.

I guess it really depends on what your priorities are as a family. Prioritising keeping ds in his routine is not unreasonable at all. Do what works for you.

[Idontknow13]

To be fair it isnt mil or dm that are insisting on them having ds, it’s coming from dh wanting things to be ‘fair.’

Creme- Mil would have to get three buses to travel to / from us. I just phoned a taxi service and it would be £34 each way! In this area nursery would be cheaper than a taxi both ways, more expensive than a one way taxi.

I’m leaning towards trying it, with dh doing his share of drop offs. I’m aware that my baby will grow up one day and likely have a family of his own, and I would hope he would want me involved. So I suppose I can’t be too annoyed with dh.

Confused beetle- she has said she would love to look after him but we haven’t discussed it properly yet, as in how long she would have him, how often etc. She has three grandchildren altogether, the other two live in a different country so she doesn’t see them often. I feel this is another reason dh is so keen to have her involved.

Overnight stays are a good idea and would be nice to have some time with dh as a couple, but I don’t feel ready for that yet, I know it’s silly but he’s never been for a sleep over anywhere and I’d rather him be with me. This is at 6mo tho and my feelings may change when he is older and I go back to work.

[Jengnr]

I do it. My Mum lives a 35-45 min drive away and she has mine once a week. Because it’s family you don’t have to get him dressed or anything; just take him in his pjs.
I tend to leave super early to miss the traffic and have my breakfast and do my hair/make up etc whilst there.

It’s really not much trouble.

[Tertiathethird]

Agree - if she’s keen - that you could pay for a taxi for her both ways, if that works out less than the nursery fees then it would be worth it. I’d always prefer my children to be looked after in their own home rather than elsewhere. I think they feel secure at home.

[Confusedbeetle]

Has mother in law asked to do this or are you just assuming? As a grandmother of 10, I can tell you it is a big commitment. I am quite happy to let some of the families on mums side do the lions share. Why don't you see how she feels first. Don't put her on the spot by saying your mum is doing 2 days. If she has any sense she will offer to pick up the extra slack, fill in for emergencies, sickness etc. There is a huge assumption that we are all thrilled and excited to take on regular child care. It can be hard to say no. Also free child care always comes with some disadvantages. It doesnt sound too practical to me. I find it easier to help with the families tht live very close. I have done it for one family half an hour away for 4 years, it was not easy

[CremeDeLaCrap]

It also helps MIL build a close relationship with DS - it would be a shame if she felt put out or sidelined when your own mum is having DS twice a week.

[CremeDeLaCrap]

How are the public transport links for your DM?

I do shift work and my own mum works office hours. Often she helps with weekend childcare and rather than one of us having to do a full 2 hours round trip to collect or drop off DS, she meets me halfway with him. Would that be a possibility?

[MondayTuesdayWednesday]

Your childcare arrangements should be about what suits your child and your working arrangements, not about doing other people a favour by letter them mind your child even if it is not very convenient for you.

[Metoodear]

Can you can mil a cab to yours it’s only once a week and she can get the bus home


It would still be much cheaper than paying for a
Says child care a can of £15

[confusedlittleone]

Instant no- and I'd be having serious words to your DH as he has little regard for your dcs wellbeing

[Metoodear]

However it’s worth the hassle you will never hear the end of this other wise plus your not paying for it

[Metoodear]

Can she not get to you

[Ansumpasty]

I think it’s worth the hassle. It will mean the world to her to have that close relationship with her grandchild and lovely for the child, too. They will be off to school before you know it and it won’t be an issue. You’re very lucky, many of us can only dream of having grandparents who can take on the childcare.
Let them have those special days, life is short and it’s special days like that that make life worth living

[FizzyGreenWater]

Your DS isn't a toy that everyone should have an equal go on. And childcare is supposed to make stuff easier, not harder.

Also this:

Am lying here awake, feeling a bit annoyed that he seems to be putting his mother’s feelings above ds’s / my needs. I just know there’ll be some excuse as to why I should pick ds up, it’ll gradually fall to me, like the car seat fits in my car, or he has to drop off colleagues.

Well a big fat no to that. As soon as he starts it, you start talking about how you can see it's a problem, ok I'll look at nursery, if you can't do it any more that's fine... Do NOT just cave.

Your DH sounds really immature.

My solution would be this. It's only one day a week so yes, if MIL wants to do it then it's great for your DS to be with his other granny. But NOT if it's a travel nightmare. I would only agree to:

Wk 1: You take DS to MIL, DH picks him up.

Wk 2: MIL gets bus to you, does care at yours, either you or DH take her home.

DS never has to do a really early start, he shouldn't be the one suffering for this arrangement - so DH never takes him.
MIL only has to travel once a fortnight, one journey.
You NEVER agree to do both trips in one day. Never. If DH starts weaselling on it - nursery chats start.
If DH gets more and more delayed, longer hours etc. - nursery. Note: on every day that DH has to pick him up from MIL/take MIL home, he's never doing the dropoff, so there is no reason why he can't choose to go in super early on those days so that he can leave in plenty of time to do the evening run.

[Tertiathethird]

And I wouldn’t worry about the baby’s routine too much. I agree with the other posters that it’s really really important to get your DH to make the adjustments too. So that your work is not just about you adapting. You are setting out family dynamics. I know plenty of families where the mum works full time but bends over backwards to do all the running with childcare etc and the father just carries on oblivious. It’s a leftover of maternity leave and it’s so unfair!