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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Female friendships and money disparity?

60 replies

Tmtiger · 19/05/2018 23:51

Are women more likely to be funny about money?

I live in London and my friend lives in the Midlands. She is a single parent of two on benefits so money is tight. It's just me and husband currently and he earns well.l, I earn ok. I rarely go out down south so when j go up to the Midlands I see it as my chance to splurge. So previously when I went out for a drink with said friend I would try and buy more drinks because it was my night out and drinks are so much cheaper buying a few rounds feels fine.

This used to make her really bristly and make comments I had "gone all London"

Now we've not spoken in a month and it turns out the reason is when we out for dinner and drinks a few months ago I suggested me and her pay more of the bill between us as the fiance has brought wine and they had a wedding coming up. I would of been happy for me to pay more but was afraid offering to do so would make me look "all London" so I suggest we split It, then at the pub i got a round in and made a comment about her getting the next round (which may or may not happen) but just said this to make it clear I wasn't taking over by getting a round in.

But now I get told I'm not considering how expensive half term Is, and I don't think about her.

I don't know what to do. If I pay more I'm up myself. If I make it clear she's expected to contribute equally I'm not thinking about her financial constraints.

Me and my husband have had a chat about this. He has had friends with young children with little disposable income and has paid more it's just a non issue.

So is money/comparison of life style more of a thing with women?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tmtiger · 19/05/2018 23:53

*just to be clear fiance is of a seperated person who is a couple we were out with that night. She is a single parent.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 19/05/2018 23:56

No, it's just a personality thing nothing to do with her sex.

NoFucksImAQueen · 20/05/2018 00:00

you tried to make yourself look generous by volunteering her to split the bill with you and therefore make it more expensive for her when you know she's a single mum on benefits and you can't see anything wrong with that?

Petitepamplemousse · 20/05/2018 00:00

Nothing to do with her sex.

You need to perhaps do less expensive things and suggest less expensive places to go, if she gets uncomfortable with you buying more. So, with my worse off friend, I will go over for lunch and the morning of the lunch I will say ‘don’t bother making anything because I’m bringing a picnic!’ etc. My friend would feel uncomfortable coming to the fancy bars I like going to with other friends, so I work around it. Could you turn up with a meal and a couple of bottles of wine and suggest a night in instead?

She does sound jealous of you but if she’s a good friend i guess you can work through it.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 20/05/2018 00:03

You seem to be the one suggesting who will split what all the time, who should get the drinks in, who should pay more. I'd be annoyed about that if I were her. You've said you know money is tight and she's a single parent, so why do you think you should be the one to dictate terms? I'd be fuming if someone suggested paying more than another person simply because they had a wedding coming up. Why should she subsidise them, especially if she's on a tight budget. No wonder she's off with you. Is this a reverse?

Original poster

Tmtiger · 20/05/2018 00:10

I would of been more than happy to pay more. But the offer to do so has had a very bad reaction in the past. I don't care either way we are talking about £20 or £30 but me saying I'll pay for this or that seems to get her rilled up. But if I say let's split this or that then it's an issue.

OP posts:

KeepServingTheDrinks · 20/05/2018 00:10

Are women more likely to be funny about money?

Not in my experience.

However, I have noticed a big difference in things like
Parents (who have responsibilities) and people without children.
People who live in an expensive area and people who live in a cheaper one

You and your friend are in both of those groups, so your expectations and disposable incomes and prioritites are goign to be very different. But you acted like she's the same as you. She isn't.
posted this without even needing to mention she's on benefits and you earn "ok" by London standards

Poptart4 · 20/05/2018 00:13

Stop doing rounds and just buy your own drinks. That way you can drink as much as you want and she can stay within her budget.

Teacuphiccup · 20/05/2018 00:14

Do you comment every time you buy a round? Maybe she thinks you’re up your arse because you bring up money all the time. Just buy a bottle of wine and don’t mention it, or suggest she gets the taxi or makes you lunch or something that’s a token.

I would be really annoyed if someone suggested I pay more because someone else had a wedding coming up.

Original poster

Tmtiger · 20/05/2018 00:15

To me it felt like if I acted like it was an issue or there was a disparity and paid more she got angry. So assumed I was over compensating and if I acted like there was no disparity and asked her to chip in that would be better equally then there wouldn't be.

OP posts:

Teacuphiccup · 20/05/2018 00:16

Yeah it could be the doing rounds thing full stop that she was commenting on. It’s really annoying doing rounds when you’re on a budget. £20 or £30 might not be much to you but it could be half her weekly budget.

Original poster

Tmtiger · 20/05/2018 00:16

I don't have to comment on rounds but if your getting one in you kind of have to mention it.

OP posts:

Teacuphiccup · 20/05/2018 00:18

Do you? I’ve bought people drinks lots of times and just put it next to them.

Helloflamingogo · 20/05/2018 00:18

I think in the situation where you’re with other people it’s not your place to volunteer For her to pay more.

In the first situation, she’s told you she wants to be equals so leave it at that. Volunteering her for rounds or to pay more isn’t your place. I see your thinking, but I’d be mad if i were her. If someone decided to buy a bottle of something expensive that’s their look out, it wouldn’t increase or decrease anyone else’s share of the bill unless it was a “shall we buy a...”.

Teacuphiccup · 20/05/2018 00:19

I think you’ve made this an issue in your head and it’s become an issue because you were acting weird around her.
Who picked the venue?

Helloflamingogo · 20/05/2018 00:19

(at which point it’s perfevtly polite to say, I’m happy with my coke but you go ahead for yourself)

Original poster

Tmtiger · 20/05/2018 00:23

You have to ask what people want and then say your going to the bar. I'm not making an announcement out of it. But you do need to speak about it.

OP posts:

Helloflamingogo · 20/05/2018 00:40

Yeah, but you don’t need to decree whose turn it is next!

MidniteScribbler · 20/05/2018 00:43

I have a close friend who is in a very different financial situation to me. She's younger than me, so we're at very different places in life (she's a part time student/part time worker who has just bought her first home with her partner, I'm older, work full time and have already paid off my mortgage). If we go out, I generally let her suggest the venue. She'll usually say 'I've got x to spend tonight' so I'll know and tend to stick to the same sort of amount, and when it comes to drinks, I'll usually buy a bottle(s!) of wine rather than rounds of drinks. She'll often come to my house and we'll hang out in the pool and she'll stay the night rather than us going out so that we can have a few drinks, and I'll cook and have the drinks ready in the fridge so it doesn't really cost her.

It's fine to want to 'splurge', but I do think that nights out should be based around the budget of the person who has the lower budget. You also need to be more subtle if you are happy to chip in a little more. For example, if you're both drinking wine, just grab a bottle, rather than buying by the glass.

BelieveAnything · 20/05/2018 00:46

I think volunteering her to split the bill with you was not ok. I’d have been pissed off with you to.

I would also have been pissed off at you if you had said to me that it was my round next . It’s patronizing and rude.

Rollawolla · 20/05/2018 00:52

Op you didn't do anything wrong she's just odd. In future she can pay for her own drinks and you pay your own if possible

Rocinante1 · 20/05/2018 00:56

@Tmtiger

She wants to pay her own way but you're not actually letting her do that. You're making her spend more using the excuse of "she wants to be equal". No. She just wants to pay for her own stuff.

At the dinner, you volunteered her to pay someone else's share of the bill. You know her situation, you know she can't afford that. The other couple agreed to go out for a meal so they can pay for themselves. If you wanted to pay for them as a contribution to the wedding then fine, but don't volunteer someone else to pay more. She wants to pay her own way and nor have to pay for other people.

At the bar; you just decided to do rounds. Did you ask if that was ok before getting a round and telling her she was next? She wants to pay for herself and not feel like a charity case, so she will pave herself and order drinks in her budget. But no, you took that option away from her by telling her to do rounds- so if others order expensive drinks, she has to pay for them. Getting to order a nicer drink when it's someone else's turn wouldn't make up for the extra money she'd need to spend.

Stop deciding how she sorbds her money. Let her buy her own drinks and pay her own meal - don't volunteer her for anything financial.

How dumb are you that you don't see that and need it explained

emmyrose2000 · 20/05/2018 04:04

It's not entirely clear from your post, but I'm assuming you and your friend went out for dinner with another couple. You then took it upon yourself to decide how other people should spend their money; ie. that your friend should foot the bill for other people.

I'm astonished that you think this is okay. It's not. I'd be pissed off with you too if you thought I should subside the other couple's meal. Their relationship status is completely irrelevant. Like everyone else I know, (if there isn't any prior arrangement) I pay for what I've ordered, and not anyone else's.

Telling her to get other rounds is not okay either. Just buy your own drinks and let her buy her own in her own time. If nothing else, she might not want to drink at the same pace as you.

emmyrose2000 · 20/05/2018 04:07

that your friend should foot the bill for other people
Should be: your friend should help foot the bill...

Weezol · 20/05/2018 04:46

Are you aware of the levels of benefit payments? £20-30 is quite possibly the family food and transport budget for all of them for a week.

Depending on her circumstances, they could be living on as little as £140 a week (excl. Housing Benefit). That has to cover all bills, food, clothing, transport and possibly a contribution to council tax.

If the kids are school age and get free school dinners, she'll need to provide ten meals a week that are normally covered - maybe that's why half term is expensive.

I have absolutely no doubt your intentions are good, but you have inadvertently put her in several difficult and humiliating situations. I'm not surprised she's backed off.

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