Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Female friendships and money disparity?

60 replies

Tmtiger · 19/05/2018 23:51

Are women more likely to be funny about money?

I live in London and my friend lives in the Midlands. She is a single parent of two on benefits so money is tight. It's just me and husband currently and he earns well.l, I earn ok. I rarely go out down south so when j go up to the Midlands I see it as my chance to splurge. So previously when I went out for a drink with said friend I would try and buy more drinks because it was my night out and drinks are so much cheaper buying a few rounds feels fine.

This used to make her really bristly and make comments I had "gone all London"

Now we've not spoken in a month and it turns out the reason is when we out for dinner and drinks a few months ago I suggested me and her pay more of the bill between us as the fiance has brought wine and they had a wedding coming up. I would of been happy for me to pay more but was afraid offering to do so would make me look "all London" so I suggest we split It, then at the pub i got a round in and made a comment about her getting the next round (which may or may not happen) but just said this to make it clear I wasn't taking over by getting a round in.

But now I get told I'm not considering how expensive half term Is, and I don't think about her.

I don't know what to do. If I pay more I'm up myself. If I make it clear she's expected to contribute equally I'm not thinking about her financial constraints.

Me and my husband have had a chat about this. He has had friends with young children with little disposable income and has paid more it's just a non issue.

So is money/comparison of life style more of a thing with women?

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 20/05/2018 05:36

Uuf, when I was a single mother on benefits I had to stop going out, because my friends were perfectly happy to subsidise me but who wants to take advantage of their friends. And that was back in the day when benefits were worth something.

FlyingDandelionSeed · 20/05/2018 05:46

Absolutely agree with Rocinante1.

She wants to pay her own way. In your option one, you are trying to pay for her, which makes her feel awkward. In your option two you are volunteering her for extra costs (!) which she can't afford.

Surely you can see that the is a middle between these two, which is letting her pay for her own stuff but not forcing her to pay for extras?

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2018 05:51

Your post shows exactly how far removed from understanding her financial situation you truly are. You decided how much she paid for the meal. You decided she should get a round in. You may have taken food from her children’s mouths.

speakout · 20/05/2018 06:12

Sounds like you have a drink problem not a money problem.

ittakes2 · 20/05/2018 06:21

I rarely go out and when I do I like to drink a cocktail or two. My friends prefer to share a cheap bottle of wine or something because they have a more limited budget and are pacing themselves as they drink a lot! I just buy my own and if their glass is dry and I'm going to the bar I will also buy something for them. We never do 'rounds'.

Grandmaswagsbag · 20/05/2018 06:41

Your friend is on benefits and you offered on her behalf that she would pay more than her share of the bill? Putting her in a situation where it would be really embarrassing to say no. You sound like a complete idiot and I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone that shows such little regard and understanding.

BanginChoons · 20/05/2018 06:49

I'm a single parent. When i was on benefits I was running a really tight ship. I was very aware of what I spent on a night out and how that money could be spent otherwise. If I went for a meal I would choose a smaller option and drink water. I would have a few drinks before I went out so I only had to buy a couple on a night out. Buying a round in a pub would be my entire budget for the evening, leaving me without the option to buy another drink later on.

I think you should apologise to her for not thinking about her situation. If you do go out again, ask her if she wants to do rounds or each pay for her own.

It's got nothing to do with her being a woman. It's to do with her financial situation. Stop telling her how to spend her money!

confusedlittleone · 20/05/2018 06:53

There's a difference between paying for yourself and paying for other people though. She wants to be able to pay herself not get told she's also paying half of a 3rd persons night out, and you were rude to assume she would

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 06:58

either way we are talking about £20 or £30

Stop it. You are trying to make your much poorer friend sound right, and she is just trying to control her spending because she doesn't have £20 or £30 to chuck away. The polite thing to do here isn't to be Flash Harry, it is to drink less or go to cheaper places, so you don't embarrass your friend by calling attention to her lower budget, or by insisting on treating her all the time.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 06:59

*tight, not right

KinkyAfro · 20/05/2018 07:19

You're

Dozer · 20/05/2018 07:24

You have been U.

Odd Q to post too: a friend seemingly has issues with your behaviour over money and you extrapolate to ask whether WOMEN so?!

ConciseandNice · 20/05/2018 07:28

There’s so much wrong here I don’t even know where to start.

MeanTangerine · 20/05/2018 07:28

Go for a picnic next time.

missymayhemsmum · 20/05/2018 07:33

You need to go and see your friend and apologise. She is obviously a proud and independent woman on a very tight budget and you have put her in a humiliating position. If you are a single parent going out with richer friends you plan exactly what you can afford to spend. You sip your drink slowly. You buy your own rather than buying rounds. You choose the cheap dish off the menu, or you don't go.
Alternatively, you could say to your friend in advance that this night is your treat, that you want to take her out, and that when you have kids and she's working again you know she'll do the same. But saying 'it's so cheap in here' when she's thinking 'this is so expensive' was rubbing her nose in it, sorry.

Dozer · 20/05/2018 07:35

It sounds like you are in the area to visit a group of friends, and that her seeing you all is contingent on spending money she doesn’t have on meals and drinks.

If your priority was visiting this friend you’d be doing things within her budget and neither flashing your cash or asking her to sub others.

WhipItGood · 20/05/2018 07:38

Penggwn has summed it up perfectly.

She’s feeling uncomfortable because either approach is drawing attention to her circumstances. Allow her choose the venue and be guided by her pace of spending.

supersop60 · 20/05/2018 07:48

Stop going to places where you need to spend money. And stop talking about it.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 20/05/2018 07:50

I agree with Peng. It’s hard for you to understand because £30 is nothing to you but if I spent £30 over my budget I’d be worried all week.

Just be guided by her and what she wants to do as she has the lesser budget. And admit to her that you messed up a bit. I’m sure she’ll understand.

Also it’s definitely not a woman thing. My female friends are not like this with me. They understand I’m on a budget and they are extremely respectful, somehow managing to make sure I don’t miss out whilst at the same time not making me feel bad.

NewYearNewMe18 · 20/05/2018 07:58

Irrespective of income, most friendship dynamics are 50/50 split the bill or you-get-it-this-time-I'll-get-the-next-one.

So if you opt for the latter, you dictate where you go and vice versa. Then both can stay within budget, honour upheld!

Gwenhwyfar · 20/05/2018 07:59

If anything it should be simpler for women because we have less pressure on us to 'do rounds' like men think they have to. I'd just get my own drinks.

On the other hand, if I had a well off friend who wanted to pay for things, I'd be very happy to accept. I suppose I'm sad that I don't earn much, but I hope I don't have a chip on my shoulder about it - I don't think it shows my actual worth in life if you see what I mean. I think your friend has her own issues.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 08:00

. I suppose I'm sad that I don't earn much, but I hope I don't have a chip on my shoulder about it - I don't think it shows my actual worth in life if you see what I mean. I think your friend has her own issues.

Yes, she is a single mum on benefits. That's 'issues' enough without people adding an imaginary chip on her shoulder too

Gwenhwyfar · 20/05/2018 08:01

"I rarely go out and when I do I like to drink a cocktail or two. "

My heart always sinks when someone suggests cocktails. I bought a round for about 4 people at a birthday because everyone else was doing it and I thought I should (I usually just get my own) and it cost more than my food that night. Was annoyed with myself afterwards.

pinkdelight · 20/05/2018 08:02

Why don't you shut up about the money side of things? Let her decide how she spends what she has. You don't have to bring up rounds or how to split the bill or any of that. Pay for your stuff, let her pay for hers. Rounds can be hideously expensive, despite how you feel it compares to London. And I say that as someone who lives in London and goes back for blow outs in my much lower cost home town. Stop with the detached rationalising about money and have some empathy for how you're making her feel. This might be your jaunt but this is a night out in her home town and not worth getting into debt over. She's presumably doing it to see you and not to be dictated to and made to feel bad.

user1471426142 · 20/05/2018 08:03

I’d have been annoyed with you at dinner (and I’m from a high earning family). You don’t make a grandiose gesture to pay more and publicly put pressure on someone else to do that, let alone someone who is struggling financially. That was really very wrong and unfair of you.

In general, you can be a lot more subtle when there is an income disparity like buying a bottle of wine for the table or something else can be shared with others. There are friends I’d never split a bill with as I know they’d just rather pay for what they’ve had.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread