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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how much couple / childfree time you get?

71 replies

Spotsandstars · 19/05/2018 21:19

How much couple only time do you get, say over the course of a year?
I'm feeling quite worn down with the daily grind of everyday life and definitely have felt having young children (ds 4 and dd 1 both not school yet) has really made it hard to connect with dh like we used too.
No massive issues just wish we got a bit more together/date/nights away time.
Maybe get a date night once every 2 or 3 months I guess?
In laws live a few hours away and they did stay over one weekend about a year ago so we could have a local night away which was so kind.
My own parents live close by (about half an hour away) but are older, my mum is helpful and can manage my ds overnight but not both together really.
Feeling a bit stuck and sorry for myself, aibu and do I need a good shake?!!

OP posts:

Minnia · 19/05/2018 21:23

You don't need a shake op, it's hard.

The only couple time we get is a few hours in the evening when the kids are in bed. We've managed I think 3 meals out at lunchtime since having dc and no evenings out together at all.

Usually I'm fine with it but I do worry if it'll have an affect on our relationship long term BUT we are still in the chaotic years of having young dc, I'm sure we'll get more time together as they get older .

neversleepagain · 19/05/2018 21:25

We have 5 year old twins and no family in this country. We've had 3 nights out alone in 5 years. Now that they're at school we occasionally take days off work and go for lunch together

SolemnlySwear2010 · 19/05/2018 21:26

We dont get much time alone. We both work full time so dont like our DD being away from us at weekends as well.

However, we are going away for a few days on Monday to celebrate our anniversary so our DD will stay with my sister. Its our first time away from her thats more than 1 night, so i am a bit apprehensive but she is nearly 4 so i know she will have a great time with my sister and BIL

beepbeeprichie · 19/05/2018 21:26

Absolutely none apart from when they are asleep. No family to help/ babysit. No nursery nurses who live locally that could babysit for a night out.
We’ve had one evening out in 15 months. And nothing on the horizon either
Also worn down and we could do with some couple time. Right there with you OP.
Seems like all the mums I know have DP/ IL who willing to take children overnight at the drop of a hat. Can’t say I’m not envious.

PurplePotatoes · 19/05/2018 21:27

None. Probably twice a year if that.
Parents all live close by but don't really offer and don't have space to have them overnight. They don't even have them during the day, always just visit here so we are there too. Evenings are our only childfree time, when DH is here as he works late/nights a lot.

Our DC are the same age as yours and feel the same as you...feels like me and DH are drifting slightly tbh. Crap isn't it!

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 21:28

Our eldest is almost 7 and we had our first night away a few months ago. It was amazing, we really connected again, came back feeling like I'd been on a two week holiday. It made me realise how little time we normally get. Especially since our youngest just won't sleep for longer than 9-10 hours (and won't fall asleep alone), so we barely get evenings together either.

daphine2004 · 19/05/2018 21:28

Hi, it’s so hard trying g to find that time. We were the same as both work FT (I travel regularly with my role) and DS in nursery also FT, so weekends are precious family time. However, we both missed just being us and also felt guilty as we only have weekends. However there was a local childminder who worked on Saturdays (we knew here as she’d been DS’s key person before she went self employed). We arranged he could go to her one Saturday a month and it was amazing. Unfortunately she is stopping doing Saturdays from September. Is there anything similar near you?

Would you be able to pop them in nursery a few times a week? I know it’s expensiwv, especially for two, but if you’re able to your partner could take some time off occasionally and other times you get some space for you.

FlyingDandelionSeed · 19/05/2018 21:30

None. But my baby is only one. I'm hoping we will eventually get some again...

gryffen · 19/05/2018 21:34

PIL live one street away so they take our daughter on a Wednesday to Thursday for us- too skint to do anythinf so it's normally just a relaxing night in.

Hubby had football season ticket and club he goes too, I'm a SAHM and also 6 months pregnant so tired enough.

We do what we need to do.

OrchidInTheSun · 19/05/2018 21:35

Get a babysitter

Hermie12 · 19/05/2018 21:36

Hardly ever. Dp works long hours and shifts, I work full time and at weekends maximise time with our 3 year old daughter. We went out last Saturday night probably the first time in about 7 months, we were supposed to go out for dinner good Friday but dd was sick! Such is life 😬

Original poster

Spotsandstars · 19/05/2018 21:37

Thankyou all so much for your responses. It's good to know we are not alone and that maybe it's just the stage of life with the children being young I guess?
Ds goes to preschool 3 days a week and dd will be able to do a morning a week in a few months time. TBH I've never considered dh taking time off whilst the children are at childcare as I'm always more desperate for him to use his time off when they are with me for help I do know people with school age children who do this so could be an option in the future.

OP posts:

Blizzardagain · 19/05/2018 21:38

DS is 5. We get around 12 nights a year. It was more when he was younger as we needed the break! We average a couple of weddings a year and a two night trip away without him. Then odd "date nights" here and there. We don't ask much but have never been turned down for a baby sitter. I realise we are very lucky. It keeps me sane. Pregnant with DC2 now and none of our sitters are in a position to look after a baby so our days are numbered.

Parker231 · 19/05/2018 21:41

We don’t have family in the uk but booked a regular babysitter.

sunshineonarainyday321 · 19/05/2018 21:42

I'm feeling exactly the same at the moment. We have 2 children, 2 and 10 months old. Since we had our first child we've had maybe 5 nights alone since she was born. We haven't had a "date"night alone since March last year and then I was pregnant and feeling unwell so it wasn't exactly the best night out. Our second child won't take a bottle so I haven't left him for more than 2 hours since he was born. I'm craving a night away just the two of us, I would love to be husband and wife again if only for an evening!

I try to think of it as just a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things. It's amazing having kids in many ways and I never want to moan in real life (my brother can't have kids) but it's bloody hard in equal measures. I miss being a couple sometimes.

Original poster

Spotsandstars · 19/05/2018 21:42

Hermie12 that's so annoying isn't it. Total Sod's law!
purple I would it so tough if my parents lived so close but never offered to take them. I find it hard to ask parents and in laws to babysit as I don't want to take advantage and always think as a gp surely it would be better to offer a bit like 'happy to babysit anytime you need a night off' sort of thing?

OP posts:

mindutopia · 19/05/2018 21:44

None at the moment because we have a small baby, but before that, usually we tried to have a date night every other month or so. And then maybe once a year (or twice if it’s a particularly exciting year!) we would have a night or a weekend away. But that’s only probably since our first was 3. So not very often as we don’t have family nearby, but we try to make it happen when we can. Once a month used to be our goal for date nights, but it gets expensive and it wasn’t always possible to book a babysitter for the rate night we had free. Definitely do it more often if you can. It’s wonderful to let your hair down a bit and relax.

Original poster

Spotsandstars · 19/05/2018 21:46

I miss being a couple too. I miss being a wife and feeling like an interesting woman!
BUT I really love the children and wouldn't swap it for anything. We had many childless years full of pain and disappointment (another thread for another time!) which probably highlights the lack of alone time we now get IYSWIM?

OP posts:

Looselytranslated · 19/05/2018 21:47

We haven't been out in over a year. I even won a voucher to a fantastic restaurant and we were given a gift voucher for another restaurant. If I don't book it and arrange childcare etc etc it doesn't happen. I'm sick of being the one who organises everything. Sat here with my gorgeous, handsome husband who is a great husband and a brilliant father... but he's not in tune at all with a romantic, hopeful wife who sits here hoping that one day he'll sweep me off my feet.

Whyohwhy65 · 19/05/2018 21:47

We went out a few months ago for our anniversary. Dd was only 6 months we were out two hours. Got a call to say she was screaming and could we come home. Before that was two years ago. Just before dss moved in with us. Before that was about once a week.
Kids change everything. I don't really miss going out. I just miss having time with dp on our own

dontbesillyhenry · 19/05/2018 21:47

None.
Have healthy parents who live five minutes away but will never have the kids for us.

wejammin · 19/05/2018 21:47

DC are 6 and nearly 4. We've had 2 evenings out since DC1 was born. That's partly because grandparents are not local, partly because DC2 has been a terrible sleeper until about 6 months ago and partly because I am an overanxious parent. We do have days off together about 4 times a year when both kids are in school/nursery. We also have the odd meal out on our own if grandparents offer a couple of hours babysitting. I'm now expecting DC3 so I think babysitting is even less likely in future. We do make sure that evenings are couple time and we don't just both sit on our phones not talking to each other. Snatched moments feel really exciting!

Dozer · 19/05/2018 21:53

If sleep deprivation is an issue recommend daytime childcare for a couple of hours’ time alone or together.

RedPandaMama · 19/05/2018 21:58

We've had (I think) 3 times alone as a couple since DD was born - once when my mum had her and we went to the cinema only gone about 2.5 hours as she'd only just been born, and again all afternoon and evening for my birthday last month (about 8 hours), and once when DP's parents had her for us so we could have a lovely lunch and mooch when we were on a big family holiday together.

There might have been another couple of times where one of our parents has offered to take her for a quick walk in the pram or watch her so we could nap, but I think those are the only dates we've had since she was born.

hugitout10 · 19/05/2018 22:07

we get a babysitter once a week for an evening out together

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