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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how much couple / childfree time you get?

71 replies

Spotsandstars · 19/05/2018 21:19

How much couple only time do you get, say over the course of a year?
I'm feeling quite worn down with the daily grind of everyday life and definitely have felt having young children (ds 4 and dd 1 both not school yet) has really made it hard to connect with dh like we used too.
No massive issues just wish we got a bit more together/date/nights away time.
Maybe get a date night once every 2 or 3 months I guess?
In laws live a few hours away and they did stay over one weekend about a year ago so we could have a local night away which was so kind.
My own parents live close by (about half an hour away) but are older, my mum is helpful and can manage my ds overnight but not both together really.
Feeling a bit stuck and sorry for myself, aibu and do I need a good shake?!!

OP posts:

DoJo · 19/05/2018 22:44

Hardly any - we are both self employed, so one or both of us are with the kids for 12 hours a day+ and then in the evenings we both work until we drop pretty much. We have had two or three evenings out without kids in the last year or so, but no overnights since the oldest was born 6 years ago.

We do have friends over and go to other people's houses and put the kids to bed, so we do have some grown-up time with other people, which is nice, but I do sometimes find it hard because I am averaging about 5 hours sleep a night and the rest of the time I am either managing boisterous boys or working!

DamsonGin · 19/05/2018 23:09

Maybe two or three evenings a year and a couple of day times during school. No child free nights together, DS1 isn't far off 12.

MillyMolly123 · 19/05/2018 23:21

1 night in just over 2.5 years. I was so tired, I just wanted to go home to bed!

LockedOutOfMN · 19/05/2018 23:29

We have a night out together maybe once a month on average. The DCs go to our in laws and they either babysit at our house or have the DCs to sleep over - whichever they (PILs) prefer. They live 5 mins. drive/30 mins. walk away. Quite regularly they will have the DCs on a Sunday morning or afternoon or for random days or half days in the holidays.

On Saturday morning we (DH, DCs and me) do different sports' activities (separately but more or less in the same place). On Saturday afternoons the DCs sometimes have birthday parties.

DCs don't go away overnight except to PILs or school trips.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 19/05/2018 23:47

When kids are in bed we manage a tv show we're into. At weekends we have a few drinks whilst the kids watch a DVD in bed. We have plenty of time to hang out. It's quality right!?

Treaclepie19 · 20/05/2018 00:09

We have one DS (2.8) no childfree time unless he's asleep. We've been out for one meal and one cinema date.

Sending a hug, it's hard work.

Kingsclerelass · 20/05/2018 00:23

Single mum, I have 8 hours on a Sunday while Ds is with his dad. Plus maybe one weekend in 7 and five days at Xmas.
My recent partner decided I needed to “get rid” of my ds more often if our relationship was going to progress. So I got rid of him instead. .

Kingsclerelass · 20/05/2018 00:29

It is difficult when they are so small but will get better. Do you have a friend you trust to sit with them at your house while you go out. Maybe another mum?

PurplePumpkinPiss · 20/05/2018 00:35

"None, probably twice a year..." well that's not really 'none' is it.

We have no family in the UK and have had 5 nights out in 7 years but always have to travel to get those breaks. We are moving closer to family soon.

AornisHades · 20/05/2018 00:37

We went out for dinner together in 2015.

Juiceylucy09 · 20/05/2018 00:41

Rarely if even ever. 😣

We've family local, they have their own familys, jobs, houses to run. Parents are in bad health.

If we need time out it is usually separately or when they are asleep.

It gets tiring, but I think it is not forever, admittedly Ive wanted to bang on head off the wall the past few weeks, bright evenings\nights bed routine lost. It is relentless I badly need a break.

Semster · 20/05/2018 01:49

You sound quite worn down OP.

Why don't you hire a babysitter?

Jenijena · 20/05/2018 01:59

DS1 was a fairly crap sleeper but fairly reliably stated asleep for the first three hours after he fell asleep in the evening. We’d go out 2-3 times a year for dinner, either when my ILs were visiting or as a babysitting swap with a friend.

DS2 at 2 still stirs loads. We’ve been out twice since he cane along - when GPS came he was screaming and downstairs when we got back. We paid his nursery key worker at Christmas for a night out and would have done so again except I fell pregnant again and have spent the past few months throwing up most evenings and wanting to go to bed at 8...

Since DS1 was small we’ve had a date day in December, when we both take a day off, wander around local Christmas markets, sort of Christmas shopping and hace lunch out. But now we need to stretch our leave to cover school holidays it feels like an indulgence...

elliejjtiny · 20/05/2018 02:10

2 hours a day on weekdays in term time when youngest is at preschool and older dc at school. Although dh is working from home then and I'm doing housework etc. Then an hour in the evenings when dc are in bed. We haven't been out together having fun in over a year. Youngest has autism so nobody wants to babysit.

scaryteacher · 20/05/2018 02:27

It does improve.....when ds is home from university it feels like we have to behave like parents, as opposed to how we are when he's not here.

JobHunting4 · 20/05/2018 08:14

About twice a year. We exhaust all offers of help so we can work. Also both work shifts over 7 days, so don't even have weekends or Bank Holidays as a family.

TuTru · 20/05/2018 08:17

Absolutely none!

EllieQ · 20/05/2018 08:30

Very little. No family locally. We have an evening out every few months using a babysitter (teenage daughter of a friend), usually to see a film or go out for a birthday/ anniversary meal). In laws do offer to babysit when they visit, but usually we visit them (as DH's brothers still live near his parents) so we see everyone. DD has only been put to bed by us or FIL (only done it twice) and can be a bit tricky (she's better for FIL, interestingly!).

We have booked leave on a day while she's in nursery to spend time together, but half the time we use it to do stuff like DIY instead! It is hard. Luckily, once she is asleep she's fairly settled, so we get an hour or teo together to watch TV if we have the energy!

MismatchedStripySocks · 20/05/2018 09:32

Every other weekend which is great. It’s both mine and DH’s second marriage and he only has his 2 every other weekend and my DS who lives with us sees his dad every other weekend. It’s pretty lush. We have no plans for kids together either so it will stay like this

Andrewofgg · 20/05/2018 09:51

From when DS was six to when he was about eleven or twelve we had a Saturday routine; I took him to the Library then to MIL. He had lunch there and I came home. In mid afternoon I picked them both up and we had tea at ours with BILs and their children, or one of them would bring them. MIL was a difficult woman but I will always be grateful for that.

Original poster

Spotsandstars · 20/05/2018 20:05

Thanks all for your responses, it's so great to see what other people do! I'm thinking maybe we haven't got it that hard, as some of you haven't had alone time in years!!!
In answer to the getting a babysitter question, we live semi rurally so not easy and also I'm quite nervous at leaving with someone the kids don't know (I'm only comfortable with family only really) and most people we know have their own family commitments/set ups already. When the youngest us a bit older, I might revisit this and try and 'cultivate' someone....it's also money as well isn't it? Babysitter pay on top of night out! Thanks again everyone, it's really helped me stop feeling sorry for myself!

OP posts:

RedForFilth · 20/05/2018 21:32

My boyfriend have a son each and have been seeing each other a year. We've had one full day together. We class it as time to ourselves once the children are asleep.

RedForFilth · 20/05/2018 21:45

Do any of the kids go to nursery? Some of the carers at my son's nursery do babysitting which is ideal as you know them

Ohlalasayohla · 20/05/2018 21:50

None for us really. We like lunches out with the kids, then have a bottle of wine when they go to bed on a Saturday. We don't have family around and we pay out so much for daycare already I can't afford any more. Also, we work so much I cant afford to leave them again in the small amount of time we have at home.

Pollaidh · 20/05/2018 22:04

We block one week night a week - the DC are fed by the nanny (rather than eating with us), and so once they're in bed at 8pm, we have dinner. Either one of us cooks, or we get something from the deli to heat, or we get a takeaway. Most evenings one or the other of us is working due to conference calls with USA etc.

About once every 1-2 months, the nanny stays on and we go out for dinner or to the theatre or something. If we have parents/ILs staying or are visiting we often get a night off too.

You might struggle to get nursery workers to babysit - it's often in their contract that they can't, to avoid poaching and favourites I think.

As for time away - we had 2 nights away when DD was tiny, and 1 night away when DS was tiny. That's it. Eldest is 9 now. Unfortunately due to DS's health problems, most people don't want the responsibility and we wouldn't be able to go far in case we had to drive back.

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