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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how much couple / childfree time you get?

71 replies

Spotsandstars · 19/05/2018 21:19

How much couple only time do you get, say over the course of a year?
I'm feeling quite worn down with the daily grind of everyday life and definitely have felt having young children (ds 4 and dd 1 both not school yet) has really made it hard to connect with dh like we used too.
No massive issues just wish we got a bit more together/date/nights away time.
Maybe get a date night once every 2 or 3 months I guess?
In laws live a few hours away and they did stay over one weekend about a year ago so we could have a local night away which was so kind.
My own parents live close by (about half an hour away) but are older, my mum is helpful and can manage my ds overnight but not both together really.
Feeling a bit stuck and sorry for myself, aibu and do I need a good shake?!!

OP posts:

MrsWhirly · 20/05/2018 22:07

Zero. Our 10yr DD is up a 6am every day, and refuses to sleep in her own bed every single night. We get no time together at all and it is really affecting us as an a family.

MiniAlphaBravo · 21/05/2018 07:37

Haha we went out for dinner in 2015 as well, we were out of the house for precisely 2 hours then parents called us to come back. They had left our dd to cry in her cot, which we specifically asked them not to do then we went to a wedding in 2017, my mum stayed over at our house and we couldn’t get back due to bad weather. Then we also had a lunch and an evening at a wedding this year. That’s it since 2014. But my parents do help quite a bit during the week and if kids are ill or something, so it’s hard to ask them for help at the weekends, and they certainly don’t offer. No other family nearby that has offered either.

I do get a bit envious when friends are always out by the looks of things... but then I also feel happy that I’m always here for my kids and they are still only tiny. In a few years we may get a bit more time together. Could you book a day out together when your dc is in nursery? We did that once before dd2 arrived for an extra bit of time.

hairycoo · 21/05/2018 21:33

We get every Friday and if needs be Saturday too. Usually the odd week in the summer holidays as well. Dd is the first and only grandchild on dps side and we live very close to all family. Appreciate we are very lucky tho and won't be having anymore as I don't think in laws would cope with 2 children and I would much rather cling on to my free time.

WineIsMyMainVice · 21/05/2018 21:36

Dc are 5 and 3. We probably get about 3 nights out together a year. Individually we probably have 1 night out a month each - but mainly as we don’t have much energy for much more!!
It’s hard. It really is. I sympathise.

BluBambu · 21/05/2018 23:11

Do you have any friends you could ask? If they have kids could you offer a sleepover with their kids in exchange for one back? Or even just if one of them can sit at yours while your kids are in bed and you do the same so each couple can go out for dinner?

Arrowfanatic · 22/05/2018 14:33

Time together as a couple is hard, although we have family nearby who could babysit they rarely do. We've probably gone out once this year so far, have a weekend planned away in July but having to call in family from 400 miles away to have the kids as the local family won't do it. I know it really bothers my husband that we don't get out more together but I guess whilst we have 3 primary school age children we both need to be patient. It won't always be this way.

NextInLine · 22/05/2018 14:37

Me and my husband haven't had any quality time together in over a year. He often works away, so more often than not I'm on my own with the kids. We have family nearby who could help, but don't, they prefer to have the other grandkids/ nieces and nephews over every weekend instead.

Parker231 · 22/05/2018 14:58

For those who don’t have family locally (our parents don’t live in the same country as us), I recommend asking staff at your DC’s nursery. We used them as baby sitters whilst DT’s were at nursery and also when they were at school. It worked brilliantly as the baby sitters were people we knew and trusted and if DT’s woke up, there wouldn’t be strangers looking after them. The nursery staff also liked earning extra money.

Loopytiles · 22/05/2018 15:13

It works well if you can afford it!

nawnee2 · 22/05/2018 15:17

We make an effort to have date night every 6 weeks. Usually coincide it with a visit from my mum. We have also taken days off work and gone for lunch/cinema.

ocelot41 · 22/05/2018 15:20

Very little - no family nearby. I really miss it too. Wish we had some more cash to hire regular babysitter

Oblomov18 · 22/05/2018 15:25

We have always had a lot. Made it happen. Even when tricky. Put Ds2 in nursery whilst Ds1 at school. Friends to look after ds's, babysitting circle in my PN group, paid a young babysitter. Dh and I took the same day off work and spent it together. Done lots of things. Through choice.

InDubiousBattle · 22/05/2018 15:29

Every few months my sister will have our dc for us to go out, we would love it to be more often but she is our only real option at the moment and we don't want to put on her too much! When she has them they sleep at hers which is a big bonus. We try to eat at the table together most nights and add wine and slightly fancier food at weekends to give the illusion of being out!

MinaPaws · 22/05/2018 15:30

We had none for years. Then we moved to a village and I met a group of women who were relaly serious about having time away from DC. There was an active babysitting group, so we managed to get out more, and one of them whisked my DC to hers for the weekend when she discovered that we'd never had a night away together in seven years. WE manage a weekend once a year, but we do go out at least once a month. DC are now old enough not to need sitters so we have no excuse not to make the most of it, but we just got out of the habit of it.

bahookie · 22/05/2018 19:06

we have had one night out together in 13 years.

we find others ways e.g. take a day off together when they are at school or child minder when younger.

WhoAteAllthePercyPigs · 22/05/2018 20:02

Like this thread! Comforting to see so many of us in the same boat. I am envious of the friends I know who have family nearby to babysit...but reading this has shown that having nearby family doesn't always mean they're willing to babysit!

DD 3 and DS 6 months. No family nearby on either side. DS refuses to take a bottle, just like his sister. Because of this, we can't even consider having my parents babysit them for an evening.

Both DC non sleepers (although DD now generally sleeping through). Nights habe been so bad recently that I've been going to bed with DS. Before that DH and I were trying to have an hour to watch tv together or chat...problem is we are so knackered that we just want to sleep once the DC are down!

I'm not too worried though. Things did start to get better with DD once I stopped breastfeeding her at 13 months and we were getting some nights and even the occasional weekend away before DS came along. Going to be tougher with two but we'll get there. My birthday is in July and I'm aiming for a meal out at a place near us!

It does mean that the time we do spend together is much valued by us both, and it's nice to remember why I enjoy spending time with DH. And I love being together as a family, there's so much joy in that.

However, I'm desperate to have a child free meal that's uninterrupted by tantrumming and screeching and nose wiping!

WhoAteAllthePercyPigs · 22/05/2018 20:04

Also, a babysitter will be an option but not till the DC are older. Right now I wouldn't even want to leave them with a close friend, wouldn't be fair to inflict the hell of bedtime on them quite apart from anything else

AthenaAshton · 22/05/2018 20:08

@Spotsandstars When ours were 2 and 4, XH said I should have the occasional hour off. He meant it, but it never materialised. This was partly due to his ineptitude, and partly because I didn't want to leave our DC with anyone (no local family). In retrospect, I wish I had taken up our lovely neighbours' offers to babysit. Mine are now teenagers, and we are now divorced. Please take whatever opportunities you can.

missadasmith · 22/05/2018 20:17

none. we are both working, 2 DC, one severely disabled (i.e. babysitters or so are impossible), no family either and friends cannot cope with DD and her needs. we don't even get the time when the DC are asleep as DD had severe ASD and sleeps very little, very late.

it is shit and tough. our marriage is already on the rocks (stress of working + caring) and getting no time as a couple is definitely not helping.

I think you get more couple time than most parents.

Doje · 22/05/2018 20:22

Do you have any 'mum' friends? I have a couple of people I can call on if I want to organise a night out with DH, and then simply return the favour when necessary, which means no extra cost. They are people that me and the kids see every week, so I know if either of the kids did wake up, then they wouldn't be faced with strangers.

bridgetosomewhere · 22/05/2018 20:36

Maybe three or four nights alone a year? Dc will go to stay with grandparents or aunt.

We often don’t do anything but get a takeaway and sleep in he next day but it’s great just to spend time alone. I wish we had more of it.

Aunt has offered to take the kids for a few days in the summer hols so I am thinking of taking her up on that. Altho I don’t know if I can be away from them for that long....I may be my own worst enemy with this...

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