Two terminations in one year

[bambambi]

First post here so please be kind. I had a termination a few months ago, this was due to the coil being ineffective (since been removed), I was heartbroken to have to do it but I already had a baby and was struggling with PND and anxiety.
I've recently found out I'm pregnant again, this time it's my fault. My depression and anxiety got so bad after the first termination that I would book a doctors appointment to get a new form of contraception and then when the time came I would cancel it and just not feel up to going. One time I got so anxious about going that I actually vomitted, I've never been like this about going to the doctor.
So this brings me to now, I didn't end up getting the pill, I only had sex once as I felt that I was letting DP down the way I was being and that brings me to now. I have my phone consultation in a few days and I'm so scared they're going to tell me I have to keep the baby or just that they're going to make things difficult for me. Is this my anxiety speaking or am i right to feel like this? (I know what I did was stupid, please don't comment telling me that)

Thankyou so much everyone, I genuinely was not expecting such lovely supportive replies. It's made me feel a lot more confident that if I explain the situation it will all be fine. DP is generally supportive but he's struggling with what to do to help me so I try not to worry him with how I'm feeling

Bambambi, your DP loves you and I’m certain wouldn’t want you to think you are letting him down or bothering him by talking about your feelings. Please try and be kind to yourself.

bambambi

I can't add anything to the discussion beyond the other posters comments, but wanted to just voice my support for you.

Much love xxx

I really feel for you - I've never had a termination but I have supported friends through them previously.
You need to be strong and take action asap, don't defer and cancel or miss appointments as this will only make matters worse, the longer it goes on.
I would also recommend looking at getting the implant - there is always room for error on the pill and if you're in a place where you absolutely can't go through with a pregnancy you need a contraception that is more absolute - like condoms or the implant.
Certainly take action on your anxiety also - i had 3 CBT counselling sessions, referred by my GP, it totalling changed my life and gave me so many coping strategies. I was also on anti-depressents for anxiety, for about 14 months, again the best thing I've done and nothing to be ashamed of.
Wishing you lots of love and hope, 'the darkness is not a dead end, its a hallway - keep going'

Dear OP,

Please make sure you get some help for your PND. You need to talk to your DP - but having gone through PND I know this is tough to do- perhaps you could talk to him at a counselling session? Your public health nurse or GP should be able to out you in touch with dedicated support for your depression and anxiety which is all related by the way - as in, there is postnatal depression and postnatal anxiety which occur at the same time.

Also, you need support and help for your termination and you will get that and no judgement as others here have reassured you.
Finally, while you are getting help your DP needs to step up to the plate, support you, take full responsibility for contraception and also needs to understand that maybe you do not feel like sex at this time - all of this is perfectly ok. What is not ok is your stress level, so please get in touch with your nurse or GP today to get more specialist postnatal help.

Love to you.

Ohcomeon

Feel free to start a separate thread to discuss the entire issue of abortion. But do not start it in the middle of a thread where a distressed individual, with anxiety and depression is asking for help. That's just cruel.

Bambambi

They'll not judge. For your own sake, though, please try to see your GP both about your own mental health, and about your contraception options. Maybe if someone could go with you for support? The stress of coping with this situation cannot be good for you, so worth thinking how you can best cope with avoiding it in the future.

I got pregnant on the pill twice so it can and does happen, so even if you were taking that it was possible. Please don’t blame yourself for this and please tell your DP so you hopefully don’t feel so alone with it. No one will judge you and no one will attempt to stop you (they’re not allowed to, you are protected by the UK law- thankfully). So sorry you’re going through this . Ask the GP to insert an implant or have the injection (whichever you feel is better) when you go for the termination so it’s all done in one.

My lovely it sounds like you're having an awful time. No one will judge you if you have 2 terminations. It's your body to do what you want with. You sound so depressed and anxious. Is there anyway you could arrange a telephone consultation with your GP? I know mine does this. Tell them exactly how you're feeling, don't sugar coat anything. Failing this could you get a trusted friend/family member to go to the doctors with you? When I had severe anxiety issues, if I had to go anywhere, my aunt accompanied me.

@ohcomeon12321
You are a Twat of the highest order! At conception, the cells have the potential to be a child. It's not a baby! It certainly isn't viable.

Op, I’m sure your partner will be supportive of you.
Your GP will refer you to the relevant services without battering an eyelid. You have to focus on your little one.
No one is going to make you continue your pregnancy against your will or make it difficult.
If you are having any doubts about this pregnancy you are entitled to counselling.

OP, you sound as if you’re going through a horrible time I hope you feel better soon.
I’m not sure if it’s the same in your area, but in ours you can go to BPAS directly so you wouldn’t have to speak to the GP if you are anxious to do so.
That said, the GP won’t tell you you’ll have to keep it and are very understanding. I also think that perhaps speaking to the GP about your mental health via phone call would help, that way you wouldn’t actually have to see anyone face to face.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I'm sorry you have to go through this for a second time.

I had a similar situation and just because it's the right decision doesn't make it easier.

Please do what feels right, and after that talk to your partner about contraception, I understand not wanting to mess up your hormones with other hormones, it can be so tough.

Look after yourself and take the time you need to make the decisions you feel comfortable with.

There are no right or wrong choices.

I strongly recommend you check out these links. The first is a website for post abortion emotional healing, the second is a support forum by the same people.

afterabortion.com

passboards.org

It's not uncommon to feel the way you felt towards sex and bc after an abortion, and not uncommon for that to lead to a second pregnancy and termination. The boards are 100% secular, 100% pro choice, and very very heavily moderated so you will never have an upsetting or judgemental reply to anything you post, and everything comes with lots of trigger warnings so you don't have to read about anything you don't want to. A lot of effort has gone into making it a very safe space and you'll be amazed at how many people share your experience. I often hear people talking on here about how someone should "just get an abortion" as if it's no big deal and everyone just breezes through it without any emotional aftermath, but for a lot of women that's just not true. Even if you're 100% confident with your choice it can still hurt like fuck and take a long time to recover from. So check out those links, get some support in real life as well if you can, and please be gentle and kind to yourself.

If your dp is wonderful and loving then he wants to know how you’re feeling so he can try and help.

Please talk to him. This isn’t and shouldn’t be your burden to carry alone.

Please do talk to your DP, and suggest that he needs to stock up with condoms if he wants you both to enjoy sex again.

No judgement here, you poor soul.

I struggled with (suicidal) PND after DC2 and to say it's a beast is a massive understatement. At the best of times, I have difficulty keeping appointments with the GP. At the worst of times, I just never showed up. I can completely relate to your feelings of anxiety and how life inhibiting it all is. You feel buried by it. Know that there is another side to all of this, a better day ahead. But it takes time and effort to get there.

No one will make you keep the baby. Your body, your choice. I'm sorry you have to face this right now. Remember, your GP is there to support you. That is his/her role, which is sometimes hard to remember when you're suffocated by depression/anxiety.

And yes, because it's a second time for you in one year (honestly, that is so tough on you), your DP needs to think about contraceptive as well... he too needs to take action, not you alone.

NordicNobody

Some of those stories on that board are not pro choice. Well beiled they are I know it’s peoples own stories but one woman says all
the okd cliches a bit like the awful
Pp. I am sure some of it us helpful but some stories can make you feel worse.

To clarify, when I say the boards are pro choice, I don't mean that every single person using them is pro choice. It's a public forum, like MN, made up of real people sharing real experiences, and if course some people will have come through that experience and been left with anti choice views. But it is pro choice in the sense that it's moderation policy does not allow any discussion of pro vs anti choice views, and does not allow any posts or comments on posts that promote anti choice views. It's also, unlike many other (usually religious) post abortion healing sites, not just for people who don't ever want another termination. There's no "let us help you find forgiveness and never do it again" agenda. I'm not sure what stories you've seen, and I didn't see whatever the PP wrote, but unless their moderation policy has dramatically changed any post that was anti choice would be removed pretty sharp.

Of course the mods are only human and some things might slip through the net. We may also disagree on what a pro choice moderation policy looks like. It's a fine line to walk trying to keep a space safe for everyone, without stopping people from expressing themselves and grieving in their own way. One of the things the forum is big on is not dismissing or minimising people's feelings regarding their pregnancy. So a comment about how it was "just a bunch of cells" wouldn't be allowed any more than a comment judging the woman for her termination.

Anyway, I still highly recommend that forum to anyone struggling after a termination, and I have always found it to be a very safe, non judgemental, and well moderated place. But any one using it should take care of themselves there as they would in any other public online space by not reading anything they find triggering and reporting anything that breaks moderation guidelines.

I am struggling a week on and I read something on there that I will not copy as it’s not fair in op.
Yes it was a womans view now, but has me sobbing.

Just another voice of support here. I can totally relate to the anxiety. I'm sure your doctors will want to support you too. Good luck.

Accidents happen and they can happen twice.
You need to do what’s right for you, take care

Don't beat yourself up, I think realistically the Dr will just say we need to consider some long term contraception to prevent this happening again. So maybe the implant, just because it's meant to last so many years, you can have it out when you wish.

Don't blame yourself, you're really struggling, if anything you need a bit more support, possibly with HV coming to you, then getting GP to visit if you're going to struggle leaving the house. You possibly might benefit from a CPN, which is a nurse who specialises in mental health, who works in the community. They can get staff who can prescribe to come out to you.

Wishing you all the best.

Ah OP

Have the abortion
Forgive yourself
Get some antidepressants and some birth control
And abstain from sex till it’s sorted

It’s a horrible sad thing . It’s so unfair sometimes

OP

Wishing you all the best. Be kind to yourself, OK?