AIBU or do you think they were just being helpful

[starbucks15]

I'm not sure if iabu or not but this is an issue I have with my pil. They have a key to our house which DH gave them. They will ring the bell or knock when I'm there but will often drop in stuff or pick up stuff if I'm not there but usually will tell either me or DH they are dropping by. We came home from holiday recently (day time flight) to find some basic groceries left for us despite living 2 mins away from a shop and some tidying done and our post arranged. This doesn't bother DH but it bothers me as in makes me feel uncomfortable that that they let themselves into our home without asking/telling us. Mil can be quiet nosey which makes me feel uneasy about her being in our house. DH wouldn't even dream of asking for the key back and has stated that if my parents let themselves in and out he'd have no problem with it either. We changed the locks two years ago and mil kept going on about making sure she got a key from us.

Hell of a drip feed there, OP!

Caledonian, I assume the neighbors actually asked you to feed their fish though. You didn’t just decide to do it off your own bat without discussing it with them?

If I didn't know they were doing this, it would really annoy me. I'm perfectly capable of booking my own Tesco delivery for the evening when I get back from holiday, or stopping at the corner shop on the way home.

I’d say normal and kind as well.
Last time I went on holidays I gave my neighbor a key (where I live insurance policy’s require someone check the home every 24 hours), I returned to a card “welcome home”, milk and eggs in the fridge.

I wouldn't have a problem with that, depending on what they have done.

If they have just taken in deliveries, put your post in a pile (rather than a heap behind the door so you can't get in) and bought you some groceries so you don't have to go to the shop when you get in then I think that is really sweet and would not be upset.

I would get upset if they had been through my things. I was really annoyed one day when I came home to find that MIL had been over whilst I was at work to tidy our bedroom for us 'because she was over and thought it would be nice'. DH though IWBU until he told him there may be things in our bedroom we don't want her to see. He soon told her never to do it again!

I have this problem with my own DM. She is also a bit nosey and makes comments on what she's found - medicine she's found, and what's in the laundry bin and the rubbish bins! That annoys me. Our health is private. and of course some things in the bin are disgusting, that's why I've thrown them away!
It seems petty to ask for the key back, and she does come and look after the children... she also just lets herself in when we're there so I put the chain on to make a point, as she walked in on DH one time when he was on the toilet. I tidy up / hide stuff when I'm going away so she can't nosey through my stuff.
It's a pain, but: I think it's worth putting up with for the help.

I missed your last post whilst writing Op.

Ok I totally get that, I have had similar. I would either change the locks or I would get the key back.

And to the poster who asked, yes they asked us to feed the fish. We didn’t go in any other room than the kitchen for the fish food and the room with the fish tank.

I wouldn't like it either, regardless of whether it was his parents or mine.

Have these people no fecking boundaries, or can they not pick up signals? 😡

It wasn't a drip feed at all - OP said her MIL was nosy. But she didn't provide examples in her first post so a lot of posters just kind of assumed she must be mistaken

And I think your (drip feed) update is entirely fictional.

Well the drip feed bit would suggest she doesn't understand boundaries at all , that I would put a stop to.

The dropping off/picking up stuff is obviously one of those "different strokes" things as demonstrated on this thread. I actually don't like that myself but I think it's tied to who the dropper off/picker up is. With my parents (my dad in particular), unfortunately I know there'd be a bit of throwing the eye round, just happening to spot that letter you left on the counter, helpfully counting piling the empty beer and wine bottles in a different corner of the utility room (I swear we just hadn't got to the bottle bank for a few weeks!) and such.

So when you already know that a big part of the desire to do something nice for you is actually the opportunity to feel like they've caught you out then yeah, you feel a bit defensive!

"DH wouldn't even dream of asking for the key back and has stated that if my parents let themselves in and out he'd have no problem with it either. We changed the locks two years ago and mil kept going on about making sure she got a key from us."

He can say that about your parents though because it doesn't happen.

Why was MIL given into?

Is pacifying her more important than how Op feels?

YANBU. I don’t like people poking round my stuff.

@CocoPuffsInGodMode

helpfully counting piling the empty beer and wine bottles in a different corner of the utility room

🤣

I can definitely see the kindness of someone dropping round a pint of milk or loaf of bread. The problem I have is mil will wander around our house when she visits, she goes into our bedroom and brings down our dirty washing. When I asked her not as it made me uncomfortable she told me I was being ridiculous and then goes il just get my sons washing so completely missing the point I don't want her in our bedroom. She has used my make up and skin care before without asking and even went into my handbag looking for lip gloss. This all went on when I was in the house so I'm apprehensive about what goes on when I'm not in the house if that makes sense.

Sorry but if all this goes on whilst you are actually home you need to grow a backbone and take the key off her - and tell her, preferably with all four of you present, why you are taking it off her.

You can hardly complain about her leaving you some shopping when she has got away with all of the above for so long.

And anyone - including dh & teens - who went in my handbag would be banished forever!

I would love that - YABU

Oh hell no. I go in to MIL’s house to leave basic groceries/turn on heating/lights etc if she’s been away (we get on great) meaning I go in, bung bits in the fridge, flip a few switches (grab any items I’ve dried in her tumble drier as I don’t have one but invariably drop a sock which she laughingly phones about the next day!!) and then I leave. She does the same in return if we’re away - bless her she has been known to pick up parcels from the P.O. too! That’s what a normal person does. This rooting around for dirty washing etc - er no!

I wouldn't like it either. Not because I object to a close relative popping in with groceries, but because they are all ignoring your discomfort about it. That's what's disrespectful.

You need to talk to them all and tell them how you feel about it.

She helps herself to your makeup? That's just gross.

I agree with you OP. I'm quite a private person and my PILs are also nosey and overbearing. I know they probably meant well doing chores for you but I'd find it too invasive. Need to establish boundaries.

What did you say when she went in your handbag? I mean I can't imagine many people being too timid to say something like " what are you doing in there? " or similar.

Yuuuuuck! I’d tell her I had impetigo scabies and facial herpes (and anything else highly contagious that I could come up with - leprosy if I thought it was believable) to put a stop to that shit. WHO DOES THAT WITH THE MAKEUP AND HANDBAG THING? EW!!!!!