AIBU or do you think they were just being helpful

[starbucks15]

I'm not sure if iabu or not but this is an issue I have with my pil. They have a key to our house which DH gave them. They will ring the bell or knock when I'm there but will often drop in stuff or pick up stuff if I'm not there but usually will tell either me or DH they are dropping by. We came home from holiday recently (day time flight) to find some basic groceries left for us despite living 2 mins away from a shop and some tidying done and our post arranged. This doesn't bother DH but it bothers me as in makes me feel uncomfortable that that they let themselves into our home without asking/telling us. Mil can be quiet nosey which makes me feel uneasy about her being in our house. DH wouldn't even dream of asking for the key back and has stated that if my parents let themselves in and out he'd have no problem with it either. We changed the locks two years ago and mil kept going on about making sure she got a key from us.

So, because her husband is ok with it, then the OP’s feelings on it are irrelevant?

I think it was really nice of them, a thoughtful touch. But if they start letting themselves in on a regular basis then something needs to be said.

I would absolutely hate this, but plenty of people don't feel the same way.

I think it's actually really thoughtful and it's not like they went through all your things to have a good root. My parents and ILs will often pop some essentials round (and sometimes a bunch of flowers!) for when we return home from holiday, as we're usually tired from the travelling. I do the same for them too.

Never considered to be anything but grateful for kind little gestures like this from family to be honest.

Honestly, just try and look at the intention behind it, which was to do something nice for you. If it bothers you that much take your key back, but be prepared for it to hurt them and your husband, and potentially damage your relationship with them.

Sorry, no.

It's your home.

If you don't want them to have a key then they do not have one. You have the right to decide.

That trumps DH being ok with them having a key.

Change locks and say you are not giving anyone a key.

If OP is uncomfortable with it why should they have a key. Why does her DH get to decide that on his own? Surely it should be a joint decision. OP no one has our key and I wouldn't like the thought of anyone just letting themselves into my home.

I wish someone would come in my house, put food in the fridge and tidy up when I'm not here Hell, I might even leave the ironing board out...

No, not irrelevant. But in the Balance of Reasonableness, the person who is bothered by a family member popping in to put a pint of milk in the fridge so they can have a cup of tea when they get back from holiday is the unreasonable one.

"That trumps DH being ok with them having a key."
Why?

Relationship will get damaged either way if OP is forced to put up with something she didn't want happening in the first place

But it's not really about milk.

MIL can be quite nosey

That's the thing.

They want more access to OP's personal life than she is happy with. OP has the right to draw the boundary here, not PIL. Just as PIL would be well within their rights to choose to not have OP snooping round their house when they are not there!

Do you have a key to theirs, OP?

Oh for goodness sake. If the OP lets this "damage relationships" she is being off the scale unreasonable.

My parents do this for me, I like it we always get really good stuff from them - butchers sausages, whole chickens etc.

All the people saying how nice it is - if there was somebody you didn't want in your house when you weren't there, for whatever reason, would you really be grateful and appreciative if that person did let themselves in and sorted your post for you? Or would you feel uncomfortable and invaded?

But they didn’t just put milk in, they pop in a lot when the OP isn’t there and they tidied up as well. It’s too much. A key for emergencies is fine, but this isn’t just emergencies.

And now they are "snooping about the house".

I prompted my bf to do this for PIL last year (apart from organise and clear up) - just the fridge part and a loaf of bread. They appreciated it!
I think that's a nice thing to come home to personally

Totally personal preference. As this thread demonstrates, some people don’t see the problem, some people would hate it. Neither is wrong.

However, I do agree that if you don't want them to have a key, they shouldn't have one. I'd be fuming if my bf started giving out keys to his family. Emergency keys can go in a hidden security box in garden if needed?

It trumps the DH being ok with it because it is less of an ask for him to cope with the idea of his parents not having a key.

Them not having a key affects him not a jot, especially if OP is happy to go to them and say, I'm sorry, I just really dislike the idea of anyone coming in my home when I'm not here. I don't want anyone having keys, it's not just you, but that is my boundary.' As long as she's not expecting the DH to be the one to do the dirty work then yes, the decision surely lies with the person who is being asked to wear a situation they are not comfortable with.

One person hates and is scared of fairground rides, another likes them. The scared one shouldn't be forced to go on to keep the keen one company.

The person who is being negatively affected by the Thing gets the final say over the person who thinks the Thing is no problem and is ok with it.

I'd lock all interior doors apart from the kitchen before going away, and hide the keys somewhere.

My MiL drove me crazy coming into our bedroom and rooting through the dirty clothes basket for things to wash. Who the fuck does that? All hints fell on deaf ears. I tried locking the bedroom door, and FiL was triumphant when he found the key up over it. It never seemed to dawn on either of them there was a reason I'd locked it. Then I locked it one day and took the key with me, exH came home while I was out and kicked the bedroom door in. :( And it was all my fault...

I'm a bit weird. I'd be happy with my folks or MIL doing this but not FIL & his wife. Mainly because he'd likely have a look round and comment on stuff (and leave us the receipt for the food).

When DH was staying with me one weekend (before he moved in) his dad came round to visit him. He went to the loo and after he'd been we heard him opening all the upstairs doors and going into the rooms. I was NOT happy.

My Mil cleans our house from top to bottom if we go on holiday, and probably has a good old rummage through my stuff but I don't care cos the house is spotless 😊

Fair enough. If she is prepared to hurt her dh's parents for the sake of her own irrational feeling then she should go right ahead.

Why so , Bertrand?

I was just pointing out that that's what OP says in her OP. She's trying to say it all nicely but that's the bottom line - MIL is nosey. Not said in so many words but yes, spit it out - OP reckons that when they're not there MIL has a snoop, and she isn't comfy with that. She also points out that when they changed the locks MIL went on and on til she got a key again. So it's quite clear what the real issue is - it's not that OP is mortally offended that they bought them milk (tho yes it can be irritating if you've got those kind of family members who make it their business to bustle around you unasked) - it's more that she feels her privacy is invaded by MIL.

My advice would be to get the key back as is her right in her own home.