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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or do you think they were just being helpful

98 replies

starbucks15 · 17/05/2018 16:59

I'm not sure if iabu or not but this is an issue I have with my pil. They have a key to our house which DH gave them. They will ring the bell or knock when I'm there but will often drop in stuff or pick up stuff if I'm not there but usually will tell either me or DH they are dropping by. We came home from holiday recently (day time flight) to find some basic groceries left for us despite living 2 mins away from a shop and some tidying done and our post arranged. This doesn't bother DH but it bothers me as in makes me feel uncomfortable that that they let themselves into our home without asking/telling us. Mil can be quiet nosey which makes me feel uneasy about her being in our house. DH wouldn't even dream of asking for the key back and has stated that if my parents let themselves in and out he'd have no problem with it either. We changed the locks two years ago and mil kept going on about making sure she got a key from us.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 17/05/2018 17:48

It wouldn’t bother me and I think it would upset you’re PILs to ask them to stop. They’re not overstepping they’re being kind.

Curtainshopping · 17/05/2018 17:48

I would hate this incidentally. I’d find it overbearing and stifling.

BertrandRussell · 17/05/2018 17:48

And obviously it's only a tiny step from leaving a pint of milk in the fridge to kicking the bedroom door in....

FizzyGreenWater · 17/05/2018 17:50

It's not irrational at all though.

I'd hate the thought that someone I couldn't really trust not to snoop through my things had a key - and felt entitled to use it unasked.

Lots of folk on here saying the same.

Lots of folk with stories of nosey MILs and mums too.

It's not an unusual situation - needing to put in boundaries with the inlaws. And not a bad thing either. Far more hurtful to stay irritated and then blow up at them surely.

Curtainshopping · 17/05/2018 17:50

It’s not irrational bertrand. It might be to you but people are different and that doesn’t make you right and them wrong.

brassbrass · 17/05/2018 17:50

Her feelings obviously don't matter at all Bertrand. How odd.

Glumglowworm · 17/05/2018 17:51

YABU, they’re being kind and helpful

BUT I would feel the same as you, I wouldn’t like people going in my home without me knowing in advance so I can make sure I won’t be embarrassed by it

HushabyeMountainGoat · 17/05/2018 17:52

YABU, that is a nice thing to do.

brassbrass · 17/05/2018 17:53

It's only nice if OP asked for it. If it's happening against her wishes then it isn't nice at all.

PuppyMonkey · 17/05/2018 17:54

I wouldn’t like it - unless perhaps they had been specifically told by DH or you to please let themselves in and keep any eye on the place while you were away.

Them having a key and randomly doing that while you were away is way out of line, I don’t care how much milk they bought in for your tea.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 17/05/2018 17:55

Id have an issue with this. Yeah its nice they were trying to help obviously... but they didnt ask and havent respected personal space. I think its legitimate to not be okay with this. Its a lovely thing for them to have done had they actually asked to do it.
I think you need to talk to your DH to get across that this is not okay for you. He needs to gently ask them to give notice and ask before entering your home. Different people have different boundaries and thats fine. Those boundaries should be respected. Just because something is totally fine in your family does not mean its not going to make someone else very uncomfortable.
In my family for example this would not be acceptable. My parents would never let themselves into my home without asking and nor would I into theirs. Even when ive had a key (they live abroad now so i dont have a key) I would always just phone to say I was coming or let them know I was going in there if they werent there. Just out of respect for their space.

Original poster
starbucks15 · 17/05/2018 17:55

I can definitely see the kindness of someone dropping round a pint of milk or loaf of bread. The problem I have is mil will wander around our house when she visits, she goes into our bedroom and brings down our dirty washing. When I asked her not as it made me uncomfortable she told me I was being ridiculous and then goes il just get my sons washing so completely missing the point I don't want her in our bedroom. She has used my make up and skin care before without asking and even went into my handbag looking for lip gloss. This all went on when I was in the house so I'm apprehensive about what goes on when I'm not in the house if that makes sense.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/05/2018 17:57

"Her feelings obviously don't matter at all Bertrand. How odd."

Of course they matter. But as green ups we think"Hmm- I would rather this didn't happen. But is it important enough to make an issue out if it and risk upsetting my dh, who likes his parents to have a key to the house, and my pil, who thought they were doing a nice thing? Or shall I accept that on this occasion, I'll be gracious about it, and go with the norms of the family I've joined"

BertrandRussell · 17/05/2018 17:58

AAAAAND here comes the drip feed. Ffs.

brassbrass · 17/05/2018 17:58

OP decides if it's important enough not you.

Mammalamb · 17/05/2018 17:59

My in laws always pop round and leave stuff for our return from holidays; I love it. FIL has been known to pop in while I’m at work and leave some books for me, or to fix something in the house. But perhaps the reason I don’t mind is that they are not generally nosey people

BettyBaggins · 17/05/2018 17:59

Get a lock box for things you dont want her to see. I am a private person too but, if this is her only failing its not so bad, if a bit annoying.

Kidssendingmenuts · 17/05/2018 17:59

Jesus you sound hard work! They did a helpful thing by getting you some groceries in! I know the first thing I want when I get off holiday is coffee and if I had to go to the shop the get milk I'd be miffed!
Be grateful they thought of you you ungrateful sod and say thank you! It's not like they were going through your underwear draw and having a nosey!

whatisthisimleaking · 17/05/2018 18:01

It's sweet of them but aside from that I would hate them having a key. Especially if they're nosey.

Curtainshopping · 17/05/2018 18:01

You massively moved the goalposts there OP, with that drip feed!

brassbrass · 17/05/2018 18:02

As a grown up you get to decide what goes on in your own home. Drip feed not necessary.

Without the nosey element if you don't want someone letting themselves into your home then that should be respected. No one should over ride you if you ask them to stop doing something.

Turquoise123 · 17/05/2018 18:05

I am a pretty closed person - very closed actually- but even I can't see a problem here.

This is what families do . Normal and kind.

CaledonianQueen · 17/05/2018 18:05

Gosh we do this for our neighbours when they are on holiday! We feed their fish when they are away and usually they message us telling us they are coming home . We pile the mail on the kitchen unit so it’s not obvious that they are away and when they are due home we buy a pint of milk, a loaf of bread and a box of eggs. They have young children like us and I know the last thing I want to do when I have been travelling all day is go shopping!

I have Toxic inlaws who I have been NC with for years but would really appreciate it if my inlaws had been so friendly and kind to do this.

fontofnoknowledge · 17/05/2018 18:07

That is quite a massive drip feed op. From a mother in law who pops round AFTER asking and leaves food basics upon return from holiday.. to some boundary stomping mad women who likes to wear your lipstick and wash your smalls..
No problem with the former.
Remove the key from the latter (by force if necessary! )

fontofnoknowledge · 17/05/2018 18:07

That is quite a massive drip feed op. From a mother in law who pops round AFTER asking and leaves food basics upon return from holiday.. to some boundary stomping mad women who likes to wear your lipstick and wash your smalls..
No problem with the former.
Remove the key from the latter (by force if necessary! )

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