AIBU to ask how you co-exist during divorce helll?

[Flappypants]

Posting for traffic.

We are ten days in and I'm losing weight, no appetite, constant CONSTANT searing butterflies in my stomach. We have 2 DC DS nearly 6 and DD 21 months. STBXH has never been that involved with the DC but has turned it on massively with them and of course they are lapping up the new Superdad they have at the moment. He's saying he wants 50/50 shared care (he is self employed In an llp and earns about £100k. I'm full time SAHM and completely and utterly financially dependent on him. He is a controlling narc and has left me suicidal, depressed and desperate) but he's never spent THAT much time with them and accuses me of having blocked him from having a relationship with them. Not true. Totally false. He wants to reduce his hours (I see through his ploy to pay me zero maintenance) and have them a lot now and even though it's only just over a week since we broke up, this morning he said he has been mindful of me but wants a contact agreement soon because he will stop being mindful if it rumbles on much longer. I have a solicitor and both he and another one I have spoken to confirm that the DC are very little still and the little one is still breastfed so he's highly unlikely to get 50% shared care. I am not trying to prevent him having a relationship with them at all but it's all about him (although he would accuse me of the same). He accused me of behaving inappropriately towards him and flirting with him on Sunday afternoon. Weird and delusional.

I can't get a prescription for anxiety as I have low blood pressure and it's so uncomfortable here. He's been through my cupboard and removed papers I had proving his high spending. I'm paranoid he's monitoring everything I do. I've been advised by women's aid to move out but solicitor says stay put. And all the while we have to try and get through each day... I have a petition being drafted but he has already tried to tell me via my solicitor not to petition because he wants to petition me as it's personal and important to him. He's subjected me to this for years and how dare I have the gall to petition HIM.

It's hell. Help!

for you op it sounds so hard
Hopefully someone will be along soon with advice

I would let him
If he’s putting super dad on it won’t last it will allow you to work and get you life back

Petition him, why are you taking any notice?

he said he has been mindful of me but wants a contact agreement soon because he will stop being mindful if it rumbles on much longer.

Aww didums. He's trying to pressure you into agreeing something that will benefit him and not you. I'm not sure what he means but who cares, he's a tosser.

Keep strong.

Its very, very hard. I'm stuck with mine too for now. 1.5st lost so far...

It is hell on earth. Even in the most polite of separations feelings are hurt and egos are bruised, so I can't imagine how much worse this is for you being manipulated in this way.

Don't have verbal conversations; communicate everything via text or email. Let him leave a paper trail of his abusive and manipulative behaviours. Don't get tied into any kind of arguments; if he tells you you've done something wrong, smile patronisingly and let him continue; don't engage. Whatever he throws your way, just do not engage in any of it. It's awful because you'll want to defend yourself and reason and rationalise it, but you won't get anywhere so learn to shut your responses down. It will drive him mad. The other thing to consider is how a 50/50 situation will affect your DC and if it's the right thing for them. It's a different situation but I refused 50/50 when Ex and I split and stood my ground; I compromised on other decisions but could back up why it wasn't right and it was upheld. You don't have to give him what he wants; focus on the things you want, what you want from the divorce.

The other thing to do is to wait. It's awful. It's the hardest thing in the world. But time can and will ease this. You just have to focus on getting through each day; don't think long-term at the moment, focus on what you need to do each day, write a list, tick everything off and go to bed every night knowing you're one day closer to divorcing that utter cunt.

Any paperwork you get hold of, take photos of it with your phone and message it to someone you trust, that or move it all out of the house to somewhere safe, passports, birth certificates, bank papers anything you can find.
He's shown you he can't be trusted, so don't leave anything anywhere. Stay strong, stay safe.

It doesn't matter who does the petition but it sounds as though you have got more grounds. If he wants to do it now, it would have to be on the grounds of your unreasonable behaviour or adultery, or wait 2 years with consent of both parties.

There's a few threads about this on the relationship board, try and look on there as I'm sure you will get amazing support.

I'm sorry yours going through this hard time, focus on getting all your ducks in a row.
Could you get him to take the kids out for the day (let him think he's being an awesome parent) and it will give you time to search the house and get your paperwork in order.

Change all your online passwords.

Find and photograph documents. I found missing documents in the garage. Consider the car or bag.

Don't engage anymore. You don't have to justify or explain. Those days are gone. Agree to disagree. Walk away.

What are your sleeping arrangements? Do you have a sanctuary where he doesn't ever need to Be?

Do the dc know?

Good luck. It's going to be hell but it will be worth it.

Thank you so much all. I have changed solicitor as I really felt very nervous with my first one...typos and terrible grammatical errors in the draft petition and he had represented a friend who got a TERRIBLE outcome for her. He has forgotten DS' lunchbox three times in the last week, fallen asleep while looking after the kids (once with the front door wide open because he was tinkering with his car battery and DS was sitting watching tv and DH fast asleep) and is buying them toys and new clothes knowing I have £47 In the account yo last us until the 26th when he is next due to give me housekeeping. I clothe me and the babes in second hand eBay and hand me downs (I love a bargain but he spent £4k in one month on hobby equipment and £22k on a new car "for me" but conveniently in his name...it doesn't seem right).

He is being sugary nice to my face but still checking on me, for example asking if I'd been outside with the children and starting to say he'd got a notification on his stupid phone of door being opened (he has that Vera thing on EVERYTHING and controls the whole house from his phone which can be so creepy...then I ran a bath for me to get into when kids in bed and he said "are you having another bath. You had one yesterday". I hadn't as a matter of fact but this is the extent of his sad controlling and monitoring of my activities. The sooner he is out of my life on a day to day fucking basis, the better. Honestly. It's pathetic beyond belief.

I'm trying to be unobstructive and calm and reasonable but I want to punch him in the throat. I think he has cameras or microphone around the place and I've taken to doing childish gestures and flicking v signs around the place. Makes me feel a bit better!! Want. Him. Out. Will see what new brief advises on Monday.

And thanks, MN rocks!!!

Can you ask online for advice on how to remove Vera from your house or at least disconnect him from being able to hook up to her? Your home needs to be your safe haven from his utter shit behaviour so do everything in your power to keep your home private and separate. You don't owe him explanations for anything; ignore anything questioning you and do the absolute silent treatment. It's not easy but take your time and push yourself to post on here any time you feel yourself softening or wanting to give him any kind of chance.

Ask your new solicitor if it is possible to make some sort of emergency application asking for an order for him to move out of the family home and remove all electronic devices that he's using in an abusive way. If he was physical abusing you, that's what would be happening. This is clearly abuse and I would say comes under the category of coercive control.

Failing that, are there any friends/family you and the DCs can go and stay with?

He sounds awful and this is hideous behaviour. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

Ok so my new solicitor says tgat he uses a security company tgat would come in and sweep the property for devices and monitoring equipment. I feel so uncomfortable in the house it isn't true. He has always said it's for our security which is plausible as we've had thefts from the garden. The fact tgat he goes through The stuff if awful.

He has overnight sent me a fairly bullying email telling me what he intends to do with the children and when including taking DS away overnight but leaving DD with me because she is still breastfed. I haven't responded and will be meeting the new guy on Monday morning and hopefully getting everything out and sorted. I don't want my kids to lose out on their father and will propose generous contact time but I think I'm at the stage where I want him out and if he won't do it reasonably then I'll have to take it further. To the outside world he is handsome, successful, softly spoken and gentle and he is all of those things here when I toe the line. If not he goes silent and punishing on me.

I am starting to get really effing angry. He is still using his driving to control and upset. Going to buy the children some shoes this afternoon I was singing wheels on the bus, and when we got to the wipers verse he swerved the car from side to side. I paused and he said "is that pause to say you don't want me to swish the car?" A few minutes later he took both his hands off the steering wheel saying something about the car being amazing in electric mode and I said "Yes, but it doesn't steer itself". A little further along the road he did it again and I said "please put your hands back on." He said "So what is going to happen, tell me?" I said "Please just respect my asking when the me and the children are in the car, actually just the children more importantly." He immediately became accusatory and cross and started criticising my driving and "dangerous" lane discipline.

I posted last year about his having hit the roof when I challenged him about driving at 130mph with DS aged 5 in the front seat and DD aged 1 and me in the back.

My whole body screams to get him out of the house or for me and DC to leave but I worry about the children and how confused they'll be in particular as they are only just getting used to their newly interested Daddy. I worry what he will tell all the parents at school (I've not said a word to anyone at school about my marriage or told anyone we habe split up...only my nearest and dearest know)...what effect it will have on my son. I have a DSD nearly 18 who is already siding with her Dad in spite of years of his neglect of her and the babes love her. I once heard her say to her father tgat she doesn't know why she bothers because all he does is play games on his stupid phone.

What's my best step?

Wow what a shit. I think I remember the driving post.

Don't worry about what he says to people at school/friends. Nice people won't be interested or wont believe him.

He loves the power the car gives him. Personally I wouldn't be getting in the car with him again because he's putting you all at risk.

It's something you need to talk to your lawyer about.

I'm not sure how it works hopefully someone else will be able to help more, but is there a safeguarding team at the council. I think his behaviour should be reported to them. It may be relevant later when you arrange contact.

Yes it may be hard for your children. Being in the car with him sounds worse.

Dsd is an adult. I would focus on your young vulnerable children for now.

Do you think he can keep up the super daddy act? If he is anything like my ex he will get fed up of that and do the opposite and stop seeing them altogether or at random times to make your life as difficult as possible.

I would not get into the car with him again. If you are separated do you actually need to?

I lived with exh while we were separated for two years and it was horrendous and he got nasty on divorce so stick to the legal advice you get.

If he speeds that excessively again, surreptitiously film it. And the kids in the car.

STOP BEING NICE.

Time to get a shit hot lawyer and go for the ducking jugular. He is not go8ng to sustain being nice to the children. He will only be nice to them until he has them and doesn’t need to pay you any/much CM. Then he’ll reVert to being the dad he was to your SD.

Start telling everyone! Don’t let him shape the narrative: get your narrative out and stand firm. Otherwise he’ll do the woe is me act.

Stop worrying about money and lifestyle. You and your dc would be better off living in a one bed flat near a bus stop than having his dangerous, slack, callous, unthinking and narc behaviour in your lives. Dont let him have anything more than EOW, even if this comes at a massive price financially/emotionally. The only way he should have more is if you think it would be better for the DC to see what he is really like, so he can’t just Disney dad EOW and turn them against you.

He will abuse and/or manipulate your DC. Work out the best way to minimise this...

You say he's self employed and well paid. How is he going to look after the children when he has them? Is it the sort of business he can just reduce hours?

Remember that you are doing what you’re doing BECAUSE of the kids.

They are allowed to react like the littlies that they are, if they get confused, sad, angry, tricked then ok. It’s better they have short term pain and long term gain. Don’t expect to be anyone’s best friend right now. Get through this period, let time show up your DH for the manipulating bribing shit that he is.

You and your kids have a bright future ahead without him. Throughout their lives, they will recognise you and respect you for the strong caring parent that you are. They will also begin rolling their eyes at him and finding excuses not to see him in a few short years from now. See how much the kids care about new toys the next time they get sick or scared. They know who the real deal parent is, who looks out for their needs rather than their wants.

Good luck, it sounds like the worst time. I augur you clearheadedness, and sunshine ahead.

I would honestly refuse to get in a car with him ever again or allow the kids in with him- I remember your thread last year. He's a dangerous, overconfident arse.
If he senses you are making a stand against him, I.e. You petitioning him, he may even up the ante pulling this kind of dangerous shit.
Refuse to let the kids travel with him and mean it.

I am worried about what I can and can't do in terms of access and not letting them in the car. I have had to let the children go out with him and DSD this morning and hope that he drives sensibly. I will be citing his driving in my grounds, along with his inappropriate sexual behaviour, his emotional manipulation and gaslighting, blaming me for his ill health even to the point if getting chest pains when I tried to end the marriage and saying I mustn't leave the house because he's worried about himself.

Will a court view ME as obstructive and controlling if I limit It and/or ask him to move out? He can definitely afford something small and it will kill this terrible atmosphere at home which is really affecting us all.

he has that Vera thing on EVERYTHING and controls the whole house from his phone which can be so creepy.....this is the extent of his sad controlling and monitoring of my activities
don't forget to cite these also as examples of his abuse.

He's been through my cupboard and removed papers I had proving his high spending
You can't trust him so take photos/get fresh evidence and keep it hidden - ideally with someone else/solc.

I'm paranoid he's monitoring everything I do
i highly doubt you're paranoid - trust your instincts and intuition.
keep this in mind when hiding things or talking to solc/others inside the house.

I understand your concerns about how far you can control access.

However, after what you've seen I think you need to ask yourself how you can ever let them in the car with him again. I wouldn't set foot in the car with him driving. He sounds like a lunatic.

Protect your children!