AIBU to ask how you co-exist during divorce helll?

[Flappypants]

Posting for traffic.

We are ten days in and I'm losing weight, no appetite, constant CONSTANT searing butterflies in my stomach. We have 2 DC DS nearly 6 and DD 21 months. STBXH has never been that involved with the DC but has turned it on massively with them and of course they are lapping up the new Superdad they have at the moment. He's saying he wants 50/50 shared care (he is self employed In an llp and earns about £100k. I'm full time SAHM and completely and utterly financially dependent on him. He is a controlling narc and has left me suicidal, depressed and desperate) but he's never spent THAT much time with them and accuses me of having blocked him from having a relationship with them. Not true. Totally false. He wants to reduce his hours (I see through his ploy to pay me zero maintenance) and have them a lot now and even though it's only just over a week since we broke up, this morning he said he has been mindful of me but wants a contact agreement soon because he will stop being mindful if it rumbles on much longer. I have a solicitor and both he and another one I have spoken to confirm that the DC are very little still and the little one is still breastfed so he's highly unlikely to get 50% shared care. I am not trying to prevent him having a relationship with them at all but it's all about him (although he would accuse me of the same). He accused me of behaving inappropriately towards him and flirting with him on Sunday afternoon. Weird and delusional.

I can't get a prescription for anxiety as I have low blood pressure and it's so uncomfortable here. He's been through my cupboard and removed papers I had proving his high spending. I'm paranoid he's monitoring everything I do. I've been advised by women's aid to move out but solicitor says stay put. And all the while we have to try and get through each day... I have a petition being drafted but he has already tried to tell me via my solicitor not to petition because he wants to petition me as it's personal and important to him. He's subjected me to this for years and how dare I have the gall to petition HIM.

It's hell. Help!

I agree with gabriella he sounds like a liability on the road.
Maybe ask your solicitor tomorrow?

Yes I think you need legal advice on what you can do about the driving.
If you tried to stop him, if he is anything like my ex (and he sounds it,) he would take them anyway probably upsetting the children in the process.

Today my STBXH told me I am a monster and that I am notunv more than a nursery nurse who plays with children. I was trying to walk away from him and tried to close the door but he put his foot against it so I couldn't shut it. I said please get out of my room and he said it's my house I've paid for it you've done fuck all and then the nursery nurse comment.

I can't really get him out but he's being slapped with a petition he won't get a chance to comment on and being sent a stroppy letter about driving, going through my stuff, taking all surveillance equipment down and asking him to move out.

I am actually very very worried about what might happen to me once he gets this and the proposal for contact.

He's asking for marriage certificate and birth certificates and they are not in the house. Marriage certificate is with solicitor and birth certificates at trusted friend's. He's using language i have specifically used to my mum and sister so I believe he's tracking, monitoring and tapping everything still.

He's a nasty nasty piece of work.

I can't offer you any help or proper advice, but your situation sounds horrific. Stay strong - I hope you get out of this nightmare soon.

You poor thing. When will he hear from your lawyer?

Hi

He got the letter yesterday. My solicitor didn't hold back. It didn't make for comfortable reading in black and white and I know it must have been a shock to DH. He sent me texts telling me I was a liar and sick and disgusting. When I got home with the DC he opened the front door and said to me to go away for a couple of hours. The DC were upset, wanted to go home (DS is exhausted, wet the bed for the first time in 3.5 years...He's nearly 6...he had a massive spontaneous nosebleed. DD is breastfeeding prolifically - they are stressed out) but I went to my sister's flat and had a carpet picnic and a play with them and they had a bath. It was a lovely simple tranquil time. DH sent me messages but I just asked when I could bring them home. He didn't give me a straight answer but then said it was not good to disrupt them. I said they have had supper and bath play dates fairly regularly...certainly supper and he said they don't seem to have many play dates at all. I replied that I must have imagined them all then. The gaslighting twunt.

Fast forward to this morning and he ignores me (good) apart from to say that I should seriously think about what was said in the solicitor letter and I should retract it and I have until 2pm to do so. I say nothing. He said can I acknowledge what He has said so I told him I would talk to my solocitor. I then text him to say just to confirm that you strongly suggest I seriously consider retracting the letter and by 2pm, and I asked him to clarify what happens at 2pm and he replied "To be clear I said 10am. I wanted to give you the chance to be honest." That was at 9.44am. I called my solicitor who said I could safely ignore all of that and it was clearly an attempt to regain control. We are now waiting to hear from them.

Nothing said in the letter was untrue. It didn't hold back and was very uncomfortable. I lay awake wondering if I should have allowed it to be sent but I guess that's what He would want me to do. He HAS photographed my diary and gone through my drawers and phone. He HAS refused to talk to me for days and then walked up to me and without a word simply stuck his tongue down my throat (I knew that if I resisted he would continue the silent treatment)...it was worded "forcibly tried to kiss me" which must have got his back up. He HAS touched my breasts and put his hands down my trousers whether I want him to or not and he has done this in front of the children on more than one occasion. He HAS driven at 130mph with DS in the front and DD and I in the back. He HAS put his hands on my throat whilst kissing me. He HAS joked about killing me and disposing of the body on several occasions. He HAS shouted verbal abuse at me in front of the children and DS HAS repeated what he has heard (I have shouted and sworn. I have lashed out at DH. I admit it and I am ashamed. I have logged this with my solicitor because no one is perfect and without blame). I HAVE feared for not necessarily my physical safety but my emotional and psychological safety (although he has punched a hole in the wall, pushed me into a cupboard and broken it, repeatedly pushed me back onto the sofa when i tried to get up and has ripped the stair gates off upstairs and downstairs in a rage...I have also had moments of rage to be fair but he says I am the violent and aggressive one, even before he met me and he has tolerated me for years) and he DID put his foot in the door when I tried to get away and shut it. My brief has said I must call the police if that or similar happens again.

He is trying to bully and intimidate me. He wears people down. His ex rolled over and got less than she could have. He's used to getting his own way and getting an extreme emotional response out of me and he hasn't been able to do it (apart from on the first day of the break up when I got upset and smashed some crockery...nothing like that has happened since and I think it is driving him mad).

I am preparing for the worst.

OP-

Your husband is one cunting bellend of a dick.

I struggled to think of words so I put all the bad ones that came to mind into one sentence. Now Im going to refer to him as the CBoD.

He is nothing but a power hungry manipulative shit. He is doing his best to set limits for you, try to get you to obey him and break you down. I would put money on it that if you had adhered to any of his little 'curfews' he would have been 'nice' to you. Because you behaved.

You say you dont fear for your physical safety but you describe being pushed and violent acts happening in your close proximity- I am not for one second blaming you, but you are normalising events that are not normal or okay at all. Ever. DV doesnt start out on a first date- no one will ever go out with a person who says 'goodnight' then slaps them round the face... he's slowly pushing the boundaries and Im willing to bet youve rationalised it by saying 'oh, well he did X, but that was just temper, at least he didnt do Y'. Not acceptable.

The sexual stuff to me just smacks of ownership. Not love, or anything close. You are mine and I can do whatever I want whenever I want.

Do not beat yourself up for lashing out at him and do NOT use that to mitigate his behaviour. We all have our limits and where you have reached yours he is again trying to use it to manipulate you. He has the nerve to call you violent and aggressive? Normally Id say to tell him where to shove it but you seem to be in such a volatile situation.

Record everything. Photograph everything. Email every single thing to your solicitor and if he makes you feel scared, intimidated or under threat- call the police.

He might be a big man in the house where he is the bully, but he wont be in front of the police. Bullies never are- Id again put money on a sycophantic little 'poor me' story. Call your GP and make an appointment for you and the kids so there is a record externally of the police/court that this is affecting you and your children.

You need this CBoD away from you and your children as soon as is possible.

Good luck x

OP for you. He's awful. Keep a record of all this. Bullies don't like hearing the truth, do they?

Oh OP

He sounds awful, and actually dangerous. This could be a very risky time to be around him. Could you stay with your sister for a while? I am worried about you and your DC.

Please don’t underestimate the danger you could be in. Get out of the house ASAP.

He asked you to leave the house but later pretends he is concerned about the welfare of the dc???

You aren't answerable to his deadlines and threats any more. You're going to need a whole new approach where you don't respond or explain yourself.

He's Controlling cruel, aggressive. Awful.

It's sad your children have to be around him at all.

Agree with everything others say about photos and evidence. Be careful of passwords. Are you sure he doesn't know them?

Based on personal experience I would prepare yourself for him getting worse because you have stood up to him and he won’t like it.

Thank you all. I know he's going to step up the accusations and use my mental health, say I can't cope (but I can cope with flying to Australia and back with two DC by myself when it suits him), say I'm abusive, lazy, controlling, manipulative, aggressive, lacking in consideration...but I've been hearing those messages for nearly ten years. Thing Is, I'm a normal person. I moar definitely DO cope but for so many years I thought he was right telling me I get so stressed out and I would doubt my day to day actions, knowing I was ok but he would piss all over it.

He knows the only way to get to me is through the children. They are all I care about and he will make this as nasty as possible because as PP say, he doesn't like the truth and bring stood up to.

I'm waiting for what today brings. Worried but not showing it

OP hang on in there.

I’m divorcing a narc. Not as bad as your CBoD as bananas helpfully labelled him.

Is there anywhere else you can stay for a bit, or can your solicitor do anything to get your CBoD removed from the property? What you’ve written about his behaviour is deeply worrying. It doesn’t sound safe- but you are the best judge. If you’re in the UK you’d be able to get benefits.

You are in for a long hard ride sadly. The children will see through their father, probably at an earlier age than you would imagine. He might act like super dad at the moment but kids are not stupid. TBH if it was me I wouldn’t be generous with contact time with him, not to be mean, but because he sounds downright dangerous. I wouldn’t let my kids in a car with ANYONE who’d driven it at 130mph (crash at that speed- you die) and his violent outbursts/jokes about killing you, from here sound extremely sinister. Most people don’t think about killing others, much less joke about it.

He will try and gaslight you, make you doubt yourself, try and make life difficult for you but stay strong. Have you got much real life support? A bank of friends who can confirm that you’re not going crazy and also just be actual nice human beings is invaluable.

My ex has put me through 3 years of hell, homelessness and mental torture. Although now, his lying is becoming apparent to the legal people and for the first time I’ve got the upper hand and he’s acting like a rabbit in the headlights.

Your CBoD might make lots of noise and bluster now, but you’ll get him nailed in the end OP.

I remember the driving at 130 thread. I don't have any experience in this situation but I just wanted to say what you are doing is really brave and definitely the right thing.

It sounds like it's going to be hard but you need to stay strong and be a champion for your dc. You will all be so much happier when you get through this and undoubtedly safer.

Stay strong, keep in close contact with your solicitor for support and don't let him wear you down. Good luck.

Bloody hell OP - sorry you're having to tolerate this utter crap. He sound psychopathic? Charming, pleasant to outsiders but coldly manipulative in private.... Also he's behaving with impunity. He's not learning from his behaviour, any punishment won't most likely stop his behavior...

All about power and control.... You know this though.

You're doing brilliantly!

I'm concerned about the physical violence : there's research saying hands around throat /'play' strangulation is often predictive of worse violence.

Is the reason you're advised by lawyer to stayi in house to do with access/ownership of the house?

Here
www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/life-and-death-in-your-hands-strangulation-more-common-in-domestic-abuse-cases/

Oh my god yes to the outside world he is wonderful. Someone described him.only yesyerday as a gentle soul!!!! And that's exactly what I thought when I met him. I'm not blameless. He can be amazing and generous and helpful. He's practical and clever and successful. Good-looking and softly spoken. He was insidious in his slow and gradual training of me.

I'm being advised to stay in the house. Strategically it is the best thing to do as if I move out he can argue tgat whatever I end up in is all I need and he can get away with paying very little. But frankly is rather live in a one up one down and not have this any longer.

But I will not will NOT be bullied. Thank you so much x

Bananas your acronym is great. I shall repeat it in my head when I look at him. I used to love him so much and I feel nothing now.

Incidentally didn't know what STBXH stood for for ages!! I thought ShitBagXH StupidBastardXH, ShitTheBedXH. Couldn't work it out. Face palm!

It can be all those things

This post takes me back. I'm sorry OP. Some practical advice for you because this is what you need.

1. Buy some kalms- they take the edge off the butterflies and will make you feel a bit better. If you're really struggling see the doc for some anti anxiety meds.

1. Eat. I know it seems impossible and you feel like you'll choke but you have to keep yourself healthy for the sake of the kids and to keep breastfeeding for as long as possible

1. Get a copy of one of his payslips and keep it in a very safe place. The CMS are hopeless unless you can prove stuff.

1. Keep a diary and write everything down- it will help if you end up in court re the children

1. Get your solicitor to write a letter to him ASAP setting out exactly what behaviour has to stop. It might not work, but it's important he knows someone is onto him

And massive hugs to you. Please PM if you ever want to talk x

If someone is doing a sweep of the home, get them to check he hasn't put a recording device/tracker on your smart phone or keylogger on your computer or however you are contacting the outside world. If he has he can read what you type. Make sure they tell your solicitor in writing what they''ve found which would be evidence of his control. Controlling a house from a smartphone isn't necessarily control, but it would be if he continued doing it after you or your solicitor ask him not to.

KitKat the solicitor did exactly that in his letter. He has been asked to remove it all and to stop driving like a dick and to stop calling the children to him like animals ("come by" etc). He hated seeing it I'm sure. I have just named what he's been doing. I've called him out on it. He is either cooking up something nasty or has realised he's messed up with giving me his deadlines etc.

When j feel like eating I am eating calorie sense things so I'm trying my best. The doctor couldn't prescribe anything because of lie blood pressure. Rescue Remedy is brilliant....can u use Kalms while breadtfeedimg?

How are you today op?

Hi

Thanks for asking!! I'm ok. We heard from his solicitor who has basically passed on a veiled threat to me for saying what I said. Apparently he is devastated by what I said and that he strongly denies the allegations..."Whilst I am instructed to provide a full and detailed response to your letter if necessary, my client is concerned that in doing so, he will be forced to provide details about matters which he previously had no intention of raising through solicitors and which he anticipates both parties would otherwise have preferred to keep between themselves."

My solicitor has said get through the weekend. He will write saying I will not be retracting the letter and that mediation is not appropriate in these circumstances (which I believe to be true). He also said to me that STBXH clearly thinks he can convince me to retract it and back down. Once that happens I reckon it will be gloves off and I must prepare myself. STBXH accused me of flirting with him the other week. I was And amused ...delusional to say the least.

Basically I have named what he did and said how it made me feel and that I .divorcing him because of 9 years of it and I don't want it for a second longer than I have to. My babes deserve to see a normal life and a strong confident mother which I am gradually getting back to being. I will have bad days but by God I am looking forward to the day I am totally free of him.

Has anyone ever successfully charged a narc DH with coercive control?? I will go down that road if I have to.