AIBU to ask how you co-exist during divorce helll?

[Flappypants]

Posting for traffic.

We are ten days in and I'm losing weight, no appetite, constant CONSTANT searing butterflies in my stomach. We have 2 DC DS nearly 6 and DD 21 months. STBXH has never been that involved with the DC but has turned it on massively with them and of course they are lapping up the new Superdad they have at the moment. He's saying he wants 50/50 shared care (he is self employed In an llp and earns about £100k. I'm full time SAHM and completely and utterly financially dependent on him. He is a controlling narc and has left me suicidal, depressed and desperate) but he's never spent THAT much time with them and accuses me of having blocked him from having a relationship with them. Not true. Totally false. He wants to reduce his hours (I see through his ploy to pay me zero maintenance) and have them a lot now and even though it's only just over a week since we broke up, this morning he said he has been mindful of me but wants a contact agreement soon because he will stop being mindful if it rumbles on much longer. I have a solicitor and both he and another one I have spoken to confirm that the DC are very little still and the little one is still breastfed so he's highly unlikely to get 50% shared care. I am not trying to prevent him having a relationship with them at all but it's all about him (although he would accuse me of the same). He accused me of behaving inappropriately towards him and flirting with him on Sunday afternoon. Weird and delusional.

I can't get a prescription for anxiety as I have low blood pressure and it's so uncomfortable here. He's been through my cupboard and removed papers I had proving his high spending. I'm paranoid he's monitoring everything I do. I've been advised by women's aid to move out but solicitor says stay put. And all the while we have to try and get through each day... I have a petition being drafted but he has already tried to tell me via my solicitor not to petition because he wants to petition me as it's personal and important to him. He's subjected me to this for years and how dare I have the gall to petition HIM.

It's hell. Help!

Hi OP, just read this thread and I feel for you so much. What a piece of work he is. He's losing control so he's upped the ante. You sound amazingly strong. Keep fighting.

You are being so so strong. He is unraveling hence the threats. Do not engage. Mumsnet is here for you

Thank you. He's playing little games and making digs. He hasn't done a single wash of the children's clothes ever and today made a point of telling me he had done "all" their washing (he hasn't but that is irrelevant). It's like he's trying to score points and demonstrate what a shit mother I am. Never mind the years and years of his inertia and disengagement. If he'd helped a bit more he might have got the wife he wanted (well washing ironing fucking etc clearly wasn't what he got either. Not that I had time to iron).

Honestly I have been left with zero feelings towards him. He's had 9 years of me trying to make up for my transgressions, wondering what I had done wrong or will d9 wrong or will he be speaking to me or won't he. Will I be able to move through the room if he's in there without being groped and pawed at?

It's such a relief that I don't have to deal with that on a daily basis. He kept saying he doesn't know how to love "his wife", that he wants to show me how much he fancies "his wife". That he's slept on the sofa because he doesn't want to be rejected by "his wife" again.

These will be grim times. I hope to God I can handle it and that he doesn't get 50/50 care. In fact if I can move away from him and he sees the kids EOW that would be my ideal scenario. I want to just fuck the fuck out of here. But I don't think it's the best thing. Gah.

Good to hear youre being strong OP!!

Although I am slowly beginning to wonder it we have the same ex-Idiot!

That was a veiled threat from him via solicitor and its the oldest trick in the book. CBoD wants you to think he has some sort of dirt on you that you would be ashamed to have mentioned to others or in court. My Idiot tried this when I had a breakdown a few years ago. Judge told him that if what I had alleged about him was true he wasnt surprised!!

Don't mind his waffle, if he feels the need to go on the offensive, he is simply trying to build up the illusion he's superdad. Hence the washing thing.

I'm not in the UK but I cant imagine anyone being awarded 50/50 whilst the children are so young and one breastfed.

Cannot imagine him getting 50/50 at the stage either.

I’d have been tempted to clap when he said about the washing lol! Just ignore. My ex did actually do housework (mostly I had to ask though) but stopped altogether when we split as if he was making a stand. I never commented once so he got no satisfaction from being an arse.

You will get to him more by ignoring. Make sure you do nothing for him. No washing, ironing, cooking etc.

Oh it's just getting worse. He's going away for three nights tomorrow and as it's half term I was going to take the children to see family and be back for his day on Friday. He has sent me an email forbidding me from taking them to see my elderly grandma as I have done a hundred times before (not without guilt trips off him for doing so) on half terms and weekends. He says it's disrupting the children during a stressful time (in fact it is a calm and living environment which will do them and me good).

He also says they shouldn't be taken away from him during tgis time....hez been away for up to three weeks or more with work. He has Sat on the sofa for 8-12 hours and not moved a muscle on weekends while I've bustled about playing with the children, reading, feeding etc. And now they mustn't be away from him because it will disrupt them. The man is a total tool. I'm hanging on until Tuesday morning and getting my solicitor's advice then going (hopefully).

I want to be away from this vile man on a day to day basis. He's bought the children yet more toys tgis weekend while I have barely anything in the account to shop or buy nappies and diesel.

He can't forbid you. You dont need his permission. It's over. He's just trying desperately to hang on to the authority he imagines he has.

Go to your grandmas.

Can you return any of the toys for cash or vouchers?

Do you have an eBay account? Anything to sell? Does he have an Xbox or expensive watch??? You need to get some money...

In writing - email preferably, ask him to send details of a bank transfer into your account to enable you to buy nappies, female hygiene products and to allow you to continue childrens daily activities. (He'll either do it to look good to solicitor or not in which case you have more evidence of abuse)

Hi

Thank you!!! I could sell one of his bicycles but that would be theft!! I'll be ok for a few more days. The fact is, there are £1600 worth of bills due to come out of the account soon as it's an expensive house to run. I can't magic it out of thin air.

Two friends completely independent of each other have said to me to just leave. Get the fuck out of here. The children are behaving strangely, my son is displaying moments of anger and has started hitting himself when he's frustrated. They habe been fractious and scratchy today and I've just kept everything quiet and chilled for them. Not having him around has lifted such a weight off me and therefore them too. I felt a bit like this in the marriage but it's worse now!!!

Can I just leave? It's what he wants of course.

I’d stay (that’s what I was advised). What did the solicitor say today?

Solicitor said of course can go especially as it is something we regularly do without him, he's not going to be at home anyway and he hasn't actually got any grounds for concern. He's sent an email to STBXH solcitor saying I won't retract the letter, I still stand by asking him to move out and that we need to get financials moving as mediation is not appropriate in these circumstances which is what solicitor, women's aid and others on MN have said when divorcing a narc.

Sorry I thought you meant leave forever, of course you should just go visit. Pack today & go!!

You can't go to visit someone? Tell him to shove it up his hole. Its probably beneficial for the kids to have a break when there is tension at home.

Have you considered play therapy for your DS? When things were really fraught at home for me, play therapy was really useful for my DD who would have been about the same age as your son. It can help when they dont have the vocabulary to express what they are feeling and picking up on.

Take pics of the house before you go. If he gets the letter saying youre pressing ahead with this and then go away, you may find some of the more valuable assets go missing. If he is sneaky enough to have removed papers you had regarding his spending, then you know he is playing dirty. Dont trust him as far as you can throw him because now he knows you are sticking to your guns, the gloves are off.

How's things now @Flappypants ?

Just to say my exp was like this. Even had the gall to justify his affair by saying I should have been a better wife.
I couldn't do right for doing wrong when.we were together and during the separation he was gunning for me.

I had to move out, on my solicitors advice as ex made the house uninhabitable. We are not in the UK but I had a professional inventory done before i left. Also where i am, there is "no theft between spouses" so he stripped the house of anything of value. I would be very careful about going away at half term, without moving anything.of value / importance. To be honest, I would use the 3 days he is away to get a couple of friends / family over to help. Remove all your paperwork & copy all.of his.
I know it sounds dramatic but he sounds like a narcissist. They don't "play fair". I have spent 2 years fighting guerrilla war.

However run everything past your solicitir

I have just read this and it has occurred to me that if he has been filming you then he has also got footage of his own behaviour which would also be admissible in court. Perhaps a private investigate would be able to locate where he has this and you could use it against him?

Flappypants I hope you are ok.